Days in Our School

A for the little Muggle-electricity-no-no at Hogwarts thing: Wizards have cameras (Daily Prophet, hello). So, we'll just say.....they invented a magical video camera for surveillance of suspects in crimes and all that. I'm uncreative, please don't sue me.)


"Minerva, kindly pass me that bowl of popcorn?" Albus Dumbledore, headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, said to Minerva McGonagall, fellow colleague and deputy headmistress of the school.

"Of course, Albus," Minerva responded, snatching the bowl of caramel corn from the clutches of Sibyll Trelawney, who promptly stuck her tongue out at the older, therefore wiser, professor.

"Where are my Junior Mints?! I always have them while watching a pathetic teenage gossip session!" Severus Snape, who instructed Potion making, complained, wringing his hands.

"This is a sign. Since you, my dear Professor Snape, have no Junior Mints, the students shown in this video will perish within twenty-four hours!" Sibyll, who you may be able to tell, "taught" Divination, said mistily, waving her hands around for emphasis.

Sadly enough for her, Severus remained unfazed.

"Say, Severus, what do you have when you're watching a catfight?" Remus Lupin, the newest-old Defense Against the Dark Arts professor at the school.

"Sour Patch Kids. I love biting the heads off of them and imagining they're my students."

"Really?" Sofia Sprout, Herbology professor of 28 years, said interestedly. "Does that work for you? I've tried everything from voodoo dolls to weeding when they get me angry.....I've never thought about tearing the heads off of jelly candies." She grinned darkly. "Then you can eat the heads afterwards, and envision them screaming and writhing in pain." She cackled.

Remus stared at her, a little frightened. Minerva placed a hand on his arm comfortingly. "Don't worry," she reassured him. "She has these little lapses in sanity sometimes. She gets over it, though. Especially if the camera has something on that ongoing love triangle....."

"What love triangle?" Remus began to ask, but Minerva shushed him.

"It's coming on," she whispered excitedly.

Indeed, the lights in the staff room were dimming, and a screen came forward from behind a bookcase. It was a rather good television set, a 36-inch flat screen. The teachers had raised enough funds for a 54-inch set, but Sibyll insisted that smaller was better. "Some of the faculty," she had informed them in her typically faraway tone, "has problems with their vision. They have difficulties viewing the entire screen....."

This translated into, "I can't see the whole screen, dammit."

Remus, who had just started joining the group of teachers who watched these tapes, was a little nervous about invading his students' private lives, but the other teachers assured him that "they deserve it, those little bastards."

According to Minerva, the cameras had been originally placed in 1994, when the Triwizard Tournament was going on, as a precaution. The officials wanted to make sure that no one was cheating, therefore they monitored their every move.

The cameras had first hidden in the library and each of the Common Rooms, as well as the Great Hall. No one, to any of the teacher's knowledge, had ever even noticed them.

After the Tournament was over, many of the professors liked the idea of being able to know everything about their students, so now there were cameras everywhere: in each dormitory (except for the first years, because, as Sprout explained in one of her sane moments, "nothing interesting ever goes on with eleven-year-olds"), each classroom (this provided some very steamy material that was often kept for later viewing), and twelve in the Astronomy Tower, for obvious reasons. There were even a couple in the bathrooms, though none in the stalls. That would be just sick.

There was a camera in each and every single suit of armor, and even Mrs. Norris wore a mini-camera attached to her collar when out prowling at night.

After assuring himself again that this would be fun and interesting, Remus leaned back in the comfortable red leather armchair he was seated in and watched the scene unfolding before him.

White letters said:


8:15 P.M.




{Padma, Terry, and Susan are seated at a round table in the farthest corner of the library, supposedly studying. Of course, everyone knows they're just talking.}

Padma: Did you hear that last night Lavender Brown got up on the Gryffindor's couch and started stripping? My sister told me.


Severus looked up from his candy (he'd settled for Milk Duds) and inquired mildly, "Do we have a tape of that?"

Minerva shrugged. "I don't know. This is just the library tape. We'll go to Gryffindor Common Room next," she assured him, patting him on the shoulder.

Severus nodded. "Good."


Terry: You know, all Gryffindors are whores.

Susan: You call Hermione Granger a whore.

Terry: I'm sure she is one. She's just hiding behind that facade of being the school model student. I bet you she's an exotic dancer by the time she's 21.


"You know?" Severus said thoughtfully. "I think the lad has a point."

Minerva shot him a dark look; Hermione was one of her favorite students.

"No, I mean seriously," Severus continued, ignoring the glare. "I met a hooker once in the back of the Three Broomsticks. She was in my old class, and now she's a hooker. A cheap one, too."

He blushed a brilliant red. "Not that I....." he said, desperately trying to cover for his mistake.

"Shut up, Severus," Remus said lazily. "You're already gone."

Severus nodded, surprisingly. "I was ten minutes ago."


Padma: Hermione Granger is not, and will never be, a hooker. She's not hot enough. Anyway, not all Gryffindors are whores. My sister's not.

Terry: I wouldn't exactly call your sister the picture of innocence, Padma.

Padma: And what is that supposed to mean?

Terry (ignoring her): Or you for that matter.

{At this time Padma is blushing furiously}

Padma: I haven't a clue what you're talking about.

Susan: Oh, come off it Padma. Ron Weasley......

Padma: Ron Weasley and I never even danced together. It's unthinkable that we would shag!

Terry: Justin Finch-Fletchley..........

{Padma is really getting red now}

Padma: We did not .......what you guys walked in on was a snog session!


Before Remus knew what he was doing, he found himself asking, "Do you guys have a tape of that?"

Dumbledore nodded solemnly. "It did not look like a snog session to me," he said firmly.

Remus could never have imagined those words coming out of Dumbledore's mouth. But somehow, they just seemed right.

"Ah," he said.


Susan: Both of you in the Prefect's bathtub......?

Terry: Unclothed......?

Susan: Snogging like there's no tomorrow.........?

Terry: And you screaming, "OH, JUSTIN!" at the top of your lungs........?

Susan: I've never had a snog session like that.

{Padma looks like she's burning up with fever, she's so red}

Terry: Well, Susan, dear, you've never had a regular snog session.

Susan: I have, too!


Sofia Sprout and Sibyll Trelawney, at the exact same time, said, "No, she hasn't."


Padma: But that is beside the point.

Terry: What's the point, exactly?

Padma: I don't know. Susan?

Susan (muttering under her breath): .....have too had a snog session.

{Padma rolls her eyes and throws a quill at Susan}

Padma: Shut up about your nonexistent love life, okay? What's the point of this conversation?

{Susan looks blankly at Padma}

Susan: My love life is not nonexistent.

Terry: Oh, God.

[The scene fades to black slowly]


All of the teachers were laughing.

"I will never be able to look at Susan Bones with a straight face again!" Remus wheezed through gales of laughter.

"Oh, tell me about it!" Sprout giggled.

"My dear professors," Dumbledore said calmly. "I hate to interrupt your commentating, but the next scene is starting, and it appears that it involves Mr. Finnigan, Miss Brown, and Mr. Thomas."

Severus dropped his Milk Duds. "Ooh," he said eagerly. "Minerva, get me a Coke from the mini-fridge, would you?"

"Well," Minerva huffed, opening the small white refrigerator and taking out two glass bottles of cola. "I don't see what it is with you and this strange food ritual, Severus."

Severus shrugged and popped the lid of the soda bottle off and took a long swig. "It's comfort food."

"What's the story with Seamus, Lavender, and Dean?" Remus asked.

"Well," Sibyll said with relish. "Finnigan and Brown are screwing each other, right?"

"Sibyll!" Minerva said, shocked. "Don't be so vulgar!"

"Well, they are," Sibyll replied haughtily. "Anyway, they're having intercourse, but on the side, Brown is messing around with Thomas, who has been snogging quite passionately with Parvati Patil lately, though I have seen her giving Finnigan the eye during my classes when she thinks I'm not paying attention."

Remus rolled his eyes. "I really did not need to hear that," he said. "Now I'll start looking to see if Parvati Patil is flirting with Seamus Finnigan. It's disturbing."

The white words arranged themselves on the black screen again to form the words:


7:19 P.M.




Lavender: She was making eyes at you again!

Seamus: Who? Who was making eyes at me?

Lavender: Parvati!

Seamus: Really? Where is she now?

{He cranes his neck, obviously looking for Parvati}


"Idiot boy," Sibyll said calmly, popping four Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans of the same color into her mouth. "He's obviously thinking with his--"

"Sibyll!" Minerva scolded quickly.

"Well, where do you think I hear it from?"

"Oh, do shut up Sibyll. You're fifty-four years old--"

"I'm forty-two!"

"You were only forty-two twelve years ago. You're fifty-four years old, not six. You learned this obscene language on your own, probably when you were in school. There is no use blaming it on the children."

"I hardly think it's fair to call them children," Sibyll said haughtily. "What with all the shagging they're doing. Five of those kids will probably get more this term than you've gotten your whole life."

"SIBYLL!" Minerva screeched, her face purpling.


{Lavender whacks him with her rather large, probably heavy, flowered tote bag}

Seamus: Ow! What the hell was that for?

Lavender: For looking at her.

Seamus: I can't look at her?

Lavender: No.

Seamus: Not even in a platonic form?

{He angles his head so that he is staring directly at Parvati, who is reading in an armchair}

{Lavender whacks him again}

Lavender: Hello?! Am I just a potted plant or something?

Seamus: She dresses like a slut. That catches my attention. It's like she's a beaming neon sign saying, "Girls! Girls! Girls!"


Sprout shook her head and anxiously bit the head off another Sour Patch kid. There were two rapidly growing piles of the sugary sweet next to her, and she was only on her third box. "Leave him, honey! You've got Thomas to fall back on!" she shouted at the television, throwing a piece of popcorn at the screen. It bounced off of Seamus's forehead and onto the ground again.

"Ah, but my dear Sofia, Mr. Thomas has Miss Patil to contend with," Dumbledore reminded her.

"Screw Patil," Sibyll said.

"Who screwed Patil?" Severus inquired, having just returned from the bathroom. "Which Patil, might I ask?"

"No one screwed either, though Parvati is being a little slut," Sibyll informed him as graciously as one could while using the word "slut".

"Look at her skirt!" Severus shouted excitedly, pointing at the screen. "It's hiking up her leg!"

"Shut up Severus," Minerva said almost tiredly. "We all know that she's doing it on purpose."

"I wonder if she does that in class?" Remus wondered aloud.

"Oh, she does," Severus said in a voice much deeper than his regular one.

Remus had the sudden urge to throw up everything he'd eaten in the past ten years when the picture of Snape looking up poor Parvati's dress came to his mind. He shuddered.


Lavender: If I dressed like her, all of your attention would be mine?

Seamus: Of course.

Lavender: Mmm.....

{She walks to the largest couch and stands on it}

Lavender: May I have your attention, boys?

{Every male head snaps up.}

{Lavender grins and slowly, calmly, takes off her robes}


Remus and Minerva both gasped in surprise.

Sprout, Dumbledore, and Sibyll all looked completely unfazed.

And Severus?

Severus was already in front of the television set, cheering, "Take it off!"

"Severus!" Minerva scolded. "You are going to be banned from this room if you continue to think of the female students in that manner!"

"Oh, can it, Minerva," Sibyll said almost lazily. "You're still angry about my remark about how you're not getting any."


{By this time, Lavender's shirt has now come off. The boys in the Gryffindor Common Room are all staring up at her adoringly, as though she's some sort of Aphrodite.}

Lavender: Do I look like Parvati yet?

Seamus (as well as quite a few other boys): Hell yeah!

{The tape fades to black}


"She should be suspended!" McGonagall shrieked. "This is an outrage!"

"Five Galleons says she's in the Prefect's bathroom with Finnigan right now," Sibyll said dryly, examining a long, crimson fingernail.

Remus sniggered in spite of himself, then sobered as he saw the white lettering appearing on the screen again.


11:27 P.M.




{Lavender and Dean are engaging in quite the snog session, when Lavender suddenly comes up for air}

Lavender: I think I'm going to leave Seamus.

Dean: Mmm, good, baby, good....

Lavender: Dean, would you get off me?

{She shoves Dean away, who had been kissing her neck while she was talking}

Lavender: Anyway, but if I leave Seamus, you've got to leave Parvati.

{Dean's head snaps up}


"Ohh!" Sofia shouted. "He doesn't want to leave his precious Patil!"

"He's a---" Sibyll began, but again, Minerva cut her off.


Sibyll sniffed and said, "Minerva, I do not think it fair that each time I open my mouth you insist on reprimanding me. I was only going to call him--"

Minerva screeched again, but Sibyll was louder. "I was only going to call him an insensitive, unworthy, BASTARD!"

The room was silent.

Biting a head off of a yellow Sour Patch Kid and shuddering at the sourness, Sofia spoke up, "I agree, Sibyll."

"I'm going to predict his death on Monday," Sibyll declared. "Or," she added devilishly, "I could say that there was a betrayal among the students...oh, that's rather good. Does someone have some parchment so I could write it down....? Thank you, Sofia."

"You'd terrify poor Potter and his friends!" Minerva argued. "They would think it had something to do know...the real world."

"What 'real world'?" Sibyll asked, licking the tip of her quill before dipping it in scarlet ink.

Minerva snickered superiorly. "Oh, dear Sibyll, the real world. The world that exists beyond your tower and bloody crystal ball."

Remus nearly fell off of his chair. Had McGonagall just uttered a curse word?


Dean: Lavender, baby, I don't think it necessary to leave Parvati. I mean, things are going so well like this--

Lavender: How are they going well? I love you, Dean, and I'm so tired of having to hide it. I'm tired of not being able to hold your hand as we walk down the hallway, and I'm so goddamned tired of watching Parvati kiss you!

Dean: I thought--

Lavender: You thought. You just thought this was going to go on forever?

Dean: I--I--

Lavender: Well, you're wrong. You're wrong, Dean! It's me, or her.

{Lavender stands and runs out of the room, crying}


The staff room was silent for what seems like hours until Sibyll spoke up, still scribbling her "prediction".

"Ten Galleons says Thomas dumps Brown."


Any dignity I once had is now completely gone. But I hope you enjoyed this rather pathetic piece of soap-opera-like melodrama/satire. It was meant to be satire; I don't think I would purposely make characters say things like: "You're wrong, Dean. You're wrong!"

But anyway. I can't guarantee I'll continue this, but if you'd like to, you can always email me: