So, I finally decided to work on the snippet of a story that I've had sitting on my desktop for a couple of years now. It's my first attempt at writing, so I'm looking for feedback. Please let me know if you notice anything I can improve on: tone, grammar, word choice, whatever.

The idea is that Taylor has the power of a nascent hive mind like the Tyranids. I'm having loads of fun giving the Tyranids some concrete details for their actual biology.

Original snippet


Hmmm. That's inconvenient, Lung tore my arm off.



I pulled back from the fight a little bit to go over that thought; the rest of me was still fighting of course, delaying Lung and avoiding damage as the new tranquilizing unit made its way toward the fight.

So, having my arm torn off was an inconvenience now? Well, it didn't hurt all that much, and I knew I could grow another one, but still. How much had I changed my brain if that wasn't even really important any more? I could still analyze the situation and realize that I should be freaking out, so I wasn't all gone; hmm, I know I would be freaking out if that body were all of me, its just, me was so much larger now. I guess when my mind takes up several bodies, damage to one of them, even if it was the first and most important body, seems trivial almost. I just knew I could grow another arm. For that matter, now that I considered it, I would be fully capable of growing another "Taylor Hebert" body. There wouldn't be two of me though; I was all the creatures connected to my swarm.

Lung screamed as another electric pulse hit him in the back. Wow, an amped up taser really couldn't even slow him down at all at this point. My nets were already being incinerated and torn off and the bio-electric shocks were having less and less effect. It was time to deploy my newest weapon. Normally I would worry about pumping concentrated tranquilizers, sedatives, and paralytics into someone without stopping their heart or diaphragm; there was a reason I hadn't made them standard on my runners yet; but I'm pretty sure Lung could handle it with his regeneration. Hell, I was already authorized to use the sedative mixture on certain targets, Lung inclusive; the only part of the creature that was "untested" was the armored injector necessary to pierce his armor, and I was planning on disposing of it right after this fight.

The newly released runner leaped, armor piercing injector tearing through one of the plates on his shoulder as it pumped its contents into his muscle. The effect took only seconds; lung stumbled, slowing, as he grunted and tried to fight off the effect. His fighting was impressive but ultimately futile as armor started retracting and shrinking, slowly turning Lung back into a human.

I called headquarters immediately. "Lung is down, I managed to tag him with one of my sedatives. He's still breathing, but I would like some assistance to make sure he stays down safely."

"Good work Skitter, Armsmaster is almost to your location, he will take care of it. Were there any injuries to yourself or civilians?"

Oh right, my arm...

"Ahhh, yes. I received some damage, I should be fine by tomorrow. There are eleven non-powered ABB members in nets ready for pickup, one of them might have received some minor burns from Lung, not sure. Heading to my base now to repair my damage and my runners."

"Confirmed, you can fill out your paperwork when you come in tomorrow."