I can't help be feel I've been writing to much in the way of fluffy fan- fiction the past couple of weeks (and yes, I mean even the gritty parts of The Hunter), so I've decided to address the balance and write something a bit darker.

I died the other day

I died the other day, although to lock at me, you wouldn't know it. I stand here, looking out of the window at the Drift, knowing that while the others are there, I have to stay here and watch the Maru.

I died the other day, and I don't think they realise how hard it is for me, staying on a ship after what happened, but then, they could never understand. They don't know how alone a feel right now: I've never been truly alone; I've always had someone with me, but not now.

I died the other day, and all they can do is think how it affects them. Yes, even Trance, the one person I thought might notice how I feel. But, like the others, she's more concerned with keeping Dylan from going mad, and doesn't see the pain in my eyes; she doesn't hear it in my voice.

I died the other day: I've lost friends before, both before and after the fall, but never like this. I know how SHE felt about me, the things she had said, about me being just an extension of her, but we both new that wasn't true for a moment. Despite how it may have looked to the others, we where, in a way, two separate people: two minds, two body's, yet only one soul. God I wish Rev was still around, he'd know what to say to make the pain go away, even if only for a little while.

I died the other day, and I know Dylan blames me for it, even though he'll never say so, not even behind my back. But then, in a way, it was my fault: I was too proud to say I was scared, that I was not as sure as I sounded. I was a good little warship, and told my captain that I could do what he asked of me. But I couldn't, and now a part of me is dead: I killed her with my pride and my lies, sure as if I'd fire the missiles myself. Her blood is on my hands.

I died the other day, and I wish I could lay down and rest in peace, but I can't: he still needs me, and I need him more now more than ever. I know the others morn the loss for their own reasons, but Dylan is the only one who's grief comes close to my own, the only one who could ever understand how I feel right now.

I died the other day, and people will say it was for the best, that I did the right thing. But they'll never understand how hard it was for me to lay down my life like that, knowing what it would do to Dylan, even though I knew the alternative was even more death and destruction.

I died the other day, and now I must face the fact that no matter how much Dylan needs me, he'll never want me the way I want him, he'll never feel for me what I feel for him. That part of my life is gone, and can never be recaptured.

I died the other day, but for now, life goes on.