AUTHOR: Kelly Rowe
RATING: PG-13 (light swearing)
DISCLAIMER: Buffy, Angel and all other characters (except those I make up) are the absolute property of Joss Whedon, Fox, Mutant Enemy, UPN and Warner Bros (If I owned them, do you think that they would be acting this ridiculous right now).
SUMMARY: Anya was pregnant when Xander jilted her at their wedding. Anya hides her pregnancy from Xander and raises their child alone. What happens when Xander finally finds out?
SPOILERS: BTVS seasons 1-6 – to be on the safe side.
TIMELINE: Approximately 2020.
DISTRIBUTION: You want you can have it; just tell me where you put it. Any Yahoo lists and DMCA just take it. My site:
CATEGORY: Challenge fic from The Dark Magick Challenge Awards.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Lyrics are by LeAnn Rimes.
AUTHOR'S NOTES 2: Challenge will be posted at end of fic.
AUTHOR'S NOTES 3: Anya's POV.
//Life can take your dreams and turn them upside down//
I feel miserable and it's not simply because the so-called love of my life has just disgraced me in front of everyone we know, it's also the so-called morning sickness that does not live up to its name, striking at all hours of the day and night. I know, I know Xander's a rotten bastard for ditching both me and our unborn child… at least he would have been had I told him that I was expecting his child. But how was I to know that he was an idiot and would run away from our future together? If I had I might not have saved the news of the baby as a wedding present for the jackass.
I guess it doesn't matter in the long run anyway; I can't stay here in Sunnydale and except pity from Xander's friends, my friends. I Anyanka do not except pity from anyone. I used to be the one who caused people – okay men – to be *pitied*. I can't stay here. I can't let Xander be in my life right now and if I stay he will find out about the baby, he will want to be in it's life and then suddenly he's back in mine.
No, its better that the baby and I leave; that I raise this child alone somewhere safe and away from the Scooby gang's knowledge base. I'm not sure where I'll go yet, I can't go to LA or those pesky investigators will inform the others, besides I think I want to get away from California altogether.
Packing the remnants of my short mortal life into the suitcases that I had intended to take with me on the honeymoon, a sudden and yet familiar chill washes over me. Turning around I see the portal that I had once longed for, the one that leads straight to D'Hoffryn and in the apex stood one of his many messenger's, Plaxy.
"Anyanka… he awaits you."
Suddenly I felt a smile become visible on my tear-stained face; my options had certainly opened right up. Picking up as many of the suitcases as I could manage and leaving the rest for Plaxy, I hurried into the magickal porthole and hopefully to a much better place.
//Life can be distance between us
Days even years could pass on//
"I don't see why you want to go to UCLA when you got into Harvard with a *full* scholarship," I scream at my extremely annoying teenaged daughter.
At the tender age of barely eighteen she wants to move across country to attend college in the fall. I can't help but think that somehow she simply wants to escape me, to escape from being 'that kook's daughter' - as the neighbours call me. Well, that and I think some part of her wants to head there to track down that loser who fathered her, sometimes I want to do that myself and no I don't have vengeance on my mind when I think about doing it either.
Alexandria just looks up at me with those big puppy dog eyes that she inherited from Xander and I feel my resolve begin to waiver on the subject. "I just want to go there. Do I need some special reason?"
"He's not in LA," I tell her.
"Mother I don't have any idea…"
I cut her off, "You think I don't know what you're up too? Is it really that important that you find him?"
Alexandria turned away from me, "I just want to know who I am, okay? Maybe I want to know I'm more than the child of a part-time vengeance demon called Anyanka. That somewhere in this freaky life is a normal part."
Sighing I lean against the doorframe and look at my baby girl all grown up. Everything was so much simpler when she was four and had no idea where babies came from or that she was supposed to have a daddy. Back when all she cared about was having D'Hofferyn read her a story and play with her while I was off causing vengeance. She had so much demonic potential and instead she simply wanted to be a normal girl.
"If you promise to take the scholarship Harvard is throwing at your super intelligent feet," I say reluctantly. "I promise we'll head out to California and track him down."
"Yes," I managed to mutter through my clenched teeth.
Alexandria jumps up from the bed where she was pouting and leaps into my arms reminding me so much of when she was smaller. "Thanks mommy. You won't regret this."
"I hope you just don't expect that we're going to walk in and miraculously you're going to get a mom and a dad living together," I say trying to keep her grounded. "Because it will *never* happen."
Alexandria looks at me with a totally innocent expression plastered across her gorgeous face, but I can still see the twinkle in her eyes. "Of course not, I am way too old to have that hope."
I hug her close again and wonder what I have just let myself in for and if somehow I didn't want to do this for myself. After all it would be an excellent form of closure on the past, a chance to put it all behind me. I am just so full of bull-shit; truthfully part of me – a large part – just wants to go back to Sunnydale and boff Xander's brains out. Anyway who knows, I may get to do both.
//I could try to forget you but the
Memories keep lingering on//
Less than a month later I find myself standing at the address the phone book listed for one Mr. Alexander LaVelle Harris and stare. It was the house of my fantasy, the one that I had spent endless hours describing to him one night after our special pirate night. Every detail – at least from what I could see – was correct and it tore me up on the inside that he could share this, what should have been hours with someone else. I didn't delude myself into thinking that he hadn't found someone else since we parted; his sexual appetite alone would have put him on the hunt immediately.
As I walk up to the front door I become increasingly grateful that I managed to convince Alexandria to remain at the hotel while I first approach her father. If she was here she would have bounded ahead knocked on the door and who knows what she would have found that could possibly have hurt her – or me.
Gathering up my courage and my vengeance attitude I knock on the door and no one answers. This totally pisses me off. I fly across country with *our* teenage daughter and the jerk isn't even home when I knock on his damn door. Not quite sure about what to do next, I plonk myself down on his doorstep to think it all out.
I had finally decided to look up the old gang – specifically Willow, she always knew where Xander was – when I heard a car pull into the driveway. Glancing up I see him for the first time in almost nineteen years and curse myself for simply not shoving Alexandria on a plane and wishing her good luck in finding him. He looks good, better than he should considering what he did to me, to us that day.
Standing up I walk towards his car and notice that he apparently hasn't seen me yet and I smile sardonically, imagining the look on his face when he finally looks into my eyes after all this time. Eventually – after what seems like an eternity – he turns around and does something I had never expected him to do in a million years, in my dirtiest fantasies yes, but not in reality.
He kisses me.
I try to stay strong really I do, I need to for the sake of Alexandria – for my own good. However my memories cannot compare to the reality of Xander's warm lips pressed against my own and for a brief moment I consider going with the flow, letting Xander bed me before I tell him about our child, but apparently the years have mellowed me. I break away from the place I want to be and put a small distance between us.
"Anya?" I hear him question in obvious disbelief.
"Who else did you think that you were just kissing?" I retort. "Willow?"
Xander shakes his head in confusion, "What are you doing back here? You take off years ago and suddenly…"
"Excuse me, but I'm not the one who dumped my fiancé at the fucking altar. Of course I left town do you think I was going hang around here for twenty or so years and hope that you got your head together and wanted me back?"
"It only took me a year."
I can't believe him. "How nice for you. However in a year a lot can change for a person, for example I had a lot to do by then."
"Willow told us all about your vengeance gig," Xander answers. "Did you hate me that much that you just jumped right back in?"
"Vengeance isn't about hate, Xander. It's about love *so* deep that when you lose it you're in pain and you want them to feel the pain too. So I didn't hate you so much that I jumped straight back in, it was because I loved you so damn much."
Xander look somewhat shocked at my revelation. "Why are you back?" he asks a few moments later when he finally regains his composure.
"I need to tell you something that I should have told you a long time ago, before our disastrous trip down the isle," I say.
I take a deep breath, "I was pregnant."
"Right now our daughter is sitting at the Sunnydale Arms waiting to meet you," I say frustrated at his lack of response.
"Wait a second here… I have a daughter?"
"But she'd have to be eighteen at least."
Xander looks at me with those damn puppy dog eyes, "Why didn't you tell me before?"
"It was my vengeance," I whisper suddenly ashamed of my actions. I don't know why I feel this way; I have never felt ashamed or guilty of my vengeance before.
"I can't deal with this," he says stalking past me and into his perfect house.
I leave him there and head back to the hotel to tell *my* daughter that her father needs a little time to adjust and pray that he doesn't break her heart the way he broke mine – not only years ago, but also this very day.
Life was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide away//
I had barely entered the room and saw Alexandria was asleep on one of the beds, when there was a knock on the door. Answering it I got a surprise of my own, Xander was standing there, not saying anything just standing there and staring at me.
"What do you want?" I hiss quietly at him.
"To talk," Xander says. "We need to get through this so we can move on."
"Fine, but we can't talk here."
Xander just stares at me again, "Why not?"
"You named her after me?"
I started to deny it, but I couldn't it was true. "Yes, I did."
Xander smiled and said, "Well, where can we talk?"
"There's a bar downstairs," I suggest casually.
//Heaven only knows
Why this took so long//
We sat at the bar for a long time just sipping our drinks. I think it was mostly due to nerves rather than absorbing each others company, but whatever it was it was comfortable. At least Xander seemed comfortable, my stomach was a bundle of nerves over what he wanted to talk about. After almost two decades I finally faced the very real possibility of losing my baby to him and I didn't like the feeling one little bit.
"I want to get to know her," Xander said suddenly without any warning. "I missed so much, but she's still my daughter."
I didn't have the right to tell him no, only Alexandria did and she wouldn't do that, she was as curious about him as he was her. "Sure."
"And... I want the two of you to stay with me while you're in Sunnydale. To give me more time with her."
Stay with Xander? Could I really do that? I mean we did practically live together at one time, but I still kept a small space for myself. Despite all outward appearances and my lack of social graces I can be a very private person, not often but sometimes anyway.
"Okay, but only because it saves me money," I say trying to cover up my apprehension.
Xander just smiles, "Don't worry, you'll have your own room. I wouldn't force you to do anything."
With a rueful smile I answer, "I know."
//I'll always think of you and smile//
After our well overdue civil conversation, I took Xander up to the room and introduced him to our daughter. The identical looks of shock and interest were almost enough to send me into fits of hysterical laughter. How did I not notice how alike they were in expressing themselves? What other similarities had I put out of my mind? Would these cause her to choose him over me - if it ever came down to it?
They just sat there for hours talking about the same dumb things and I couldn't help but feel like an outsider. They liked the same movies, television programs, hell they even surfed the same websites and had almost identical freakin' email addresses. What did I give birth too? I was the one who endured twenty-two hours of agonizing labor and she turns out to be a Xander clone.
Naturally Alexandria was nauseatingly excited over the thought of staying with her dad and wanted to go straight away. I did point out that we had paid for the night already, but at her disappointment I relented and let her go with him; despite all my reservations. After they left I spent hours just lying on the lumpy hotel bed and listening to the unnatural quiet that surrounded me. I couldn't help but feel like this was my future. I'd be all alone - a lonely old vengeance demon - while Xander had what was mine.
//You'll always be with me
Always be with me
Part of my heart for all time//
I arrived at Xander's early the next morning and was surprised to see Alexandria was already awake. I wondered what was going on because my daughter is *not* a morning person, it didn't take me long to find out what was up. Willow was coming over, Xander apparently wanted to show off his new pride and joy to his best friend.
To stay out of the way I went up to the tiny room assigned to me and dumped out my stuff onto the single bed. I couldn't believe that I was back here again, just down the hall from the one thing I had wanted and had never truly had and our child. Maybe I could get D'Hofferyn to give me an assignment and get me away from this for a few days? No, I couldn't do that, I needed to be here and here I was going to stay.
I hear the doorbell ring and I sigh before I head down to face the one person who was never overly fond of me in the first place, Willow Rosenberg. I was near the bottom when I got my first glance at her, she looked much the same as always.
"Anya?" she said hesitantly.
Could it get any more uncomfortable? I just wanted to go back upstairs and let this little visit happen without my presence, unfortunately my charming daughter had other ideas.
"Mommy, isn't Aunt Willow cool? She's a wicca."
Alexandria grabbed my hand and dragged me over to the couch while I was still in a state of shock. Aunt Willow... since when?
Through the visit I sat there numb, it was happening already. Almost two decades ago I lost Xander and now within the space of a couple of days I was losing the only thing that had kept me sane, kept me from going truly evil and all vengeancey again, Alexandria. At least that was my opinion until about half way through the visit, when Xander and his clone went to get some refreshments leaving me all alone with the red-headed witch.
"It really is good to see you again Anya," Willow said to me out of nowhere. "Xand went pretty nuts when he realized what he had done. He almost seems like his old self today."
I look at her funny, "What do you mean nuts?"
"Well for starters he bought this house thinking it might somehow draw you magically back to Sunnydale and him," Willow said. "He stopped being Xander. No more goofing off or joking around. Hell, he even stopped calling Angel, Deadboy."
"I did that?" I finally whisper.
"No, he did that," Willow whispered back. "Not that it matters any more, you're back."
I didn't get a chance to respond because they returned to the living room, but I was even quieter than before - if that was possible. Willow had given me a lot to think about and consider. Was I really back? Could I go back? Was it truly possible to start over without hurting Alexandria?
A few hours later when Willow left to head back to LA where she lived with her husband, Wesley - how bizarre is that? I closed myself up in my temporary room and tried to sort through the clutter in my head and figure out my own feelings on Xander and Alexandria.
//You walk in and my strength walks out the door
Say my name and I can fight it any more//
It was the middle of the night before I came to any actual conclusions and even then before I made a decision I needed to ask Xander something. I padded down the hallway in my over-sized t-shirt that I used as a nightie - hell it's not like I expected to want to impress someone with my dazzling undie collection - and barged into his room. Seeing his fragile form lying in the middle of our old bed asleep I immediately pounced. I know, I know I should have waited until morning and been sensitive to his need for sleep, but sensitivity has *never* been my strong suit.
"Xander?" I said shaking him to wakefulness.
His eyes fluttered open and he squinted against the hall light shining into his darkened room. "Ahn? What's wrong? Are you and Alex okay?"
"Yes. I just need to ask you something."
"It couldn't wait until it was at least daylight out?" he asked in a whiny voice.
Sighing he sat up and looked at me, "What do you want to know?"
"Do you still love me?"
"Has Willow been talking to you?" he demanded ignoring my question.
"Just answer me, please."
Xander looked shocked, "Did you just use manners?"
"I can do that," I said insulted. "So, do you still love me?"
"Why do you want to know? So you can tear my heart into little shreds as some sort of twisted vengeance."
"No, so I can decide whether or not to tell you I still love you," I yell at his stubborn head.
Xander's shocked face returns momentarily and then suddenly I'm in his arms once again, being kissed like there's no tomorrow for the second time in two days and I can't help but relish it. Sinking down into the mattress beneath him I hope things will work out this time for everyone's sake.
//Heaven only knows
Why this took so long
But only Heaven knows
A love is right or wrong//
Morning did ultimately arrive along with an early morning barge in from our daughter. From the look on her face I don't know whether she was pleased, grossed out or just scarred for life from what she saw. Not that she saw anything graphic, she simply saw me and her father lying together - naked, but she didn't see anything like that either, we were covered over with Xander's blanket.
We made our way downstairs sheepishly a few minutes after Alexandria had left and waited for her reaction. She just sat there staring at us for what seems like an eternity before she spoke.
"You," she said to Xander. "You just better be prepared to marry her this time buddy."
"Definitely," Xander replied.
"Really?" I asked looking at him somewhat shocked. We had only been officially back together a few hours and he was talking marriage.
"Ahn, we already wasted almost twenty years here. You want to waste a few more before you agree to the inevitable?"
"Okay, I'll marry you," I told him. When he smiled at me I added something else, "Stand me up this time and I will vengeance your ass *so* hard you will never sit down again."
Xander leaned over and kissed me. Afterwards he put his arm around me and we all just sat there making wedding plans. Everything was simply too normal and I needed to shake Xander up a bit, after all I've not changed that much over the years.
"On our honeymoon I do think that we should return to using our theme nights."
Xander paled as Alexandria asked, "Theme nights?"
"Yes, it's where your father and I..."
"Ahn, what did I tell you about sharing?" Xander suddenly yelled. When he saw my laughter he merely pulled me into his arms once again and kissed me senseless, I doubt he even noticed our daughter slip quietly from the room with an embarrassed look on her face.
Even I have to admit, life is suddenly good. At least it is until I have to tell D'Hoffryn it's time to find another vengeance demon. But until then I intend to live life to the fullest with *my* family.
Anya was pregnant when Xander jilted her at their wedding. Anya hides her pregnancy from Xander and raises their child alone. What happens when Xander finally finds out? (Note: It's the writer's choice when and how Xander discovers Anya's secret. Their child can be an infant or a bratty teenager or an adult.) Ideally, this should be a romantic comedy fic since Xander/Anya did have that wonderful "I Love Lucy" vibe to their 'ship. No angst/drama please!