Exposition Prologue (For the very sensible crowd who never watched Naruto)

(It's also still pretty funny if you have, but you can skip it)

The Day Before Graduation.

Umino Iruka (who's second name was probably Iruka, but maybe not because the weebs enjoy putting their surnames first sometimes, meaning it's nigh impossible to find out which one's which unless they're part of a family) dropped a sheaf of papers down on his desk, and raised an eyebrow at the person sat across from him.

"Care to explain what this is, Naruto?"

Naruto Uzumaki (whose first name was probably Naruto) was sat swinging his feet in the opposite chair, and nodded confidently. "Yup. That's my submission for last week's ninja history homework."

"Then why is it also a detailed manga of an impassioned love affair between Sarutobi Hiruzen and Shimura Danzo?" Iruka asked, turning the page around to show off one particularly steamy panel featuring two old men.

Naruto grinned. He was annoyingly hard to be mad at when he got like this. The boy had the widest smile Iruka had ever seen, bright blond hair, whisker-marks on his cheeks, and an orange jacket that was about the Least Stealthy Thing on the entire planet.

It was difficult to think, looking at him, that Naruto could possibly do anything wrong…which would be a deadly assumption. Iruka knew this from over five years of teaching him. Naruto was a terror, and not for the reason a lot of the adults in the village thought he was.

Poor kid. Doesn't deserve what—Ah, crap, focus!

"Naruto, how did you even make this?" Iruka gestured at it in disbelief. "How do you even know who Shimura Danzo is? That man's existence is an A-rank secret!"

"I tracked down this pale kid who's really good at drawing and asked him for help." Naruto shrugged. "He seemed nice. He was the one who told me about the Danzo guy. Apparently, that's his boss."

"You found Sai?" Iruka clarified, eyes widening. "You found Sai and got him to spill ROOT secrets?"

"Sai works for a tree?"

"Naruto—" Iruka cut off, and sighed. That was Naruto, alright. On the one hand, utterly moronic. On the other, capable of things that would be difficult for even professional ninja.

"Naruto," He said, "I know I told you this homework wasn't that significant—"

"It will be, when the bookshops start selling it tomorrow morning~" Naruto snickered.

"But that's only because your graduation exam is tomorrow!" Iruka finished.

Naruto blinked twice. "Wait, the exam is tomorrow?" Suddenly sat up— "Wait, that's the GRADUATION EXAM?"

"Yes!" Iruka threw his arms up. "Naruto, have you not been studying?"

"Uh. Maybe?"

"So if I asked you to summarise what you should have put in your ninja history homework?"

"I would…have no idea, yeah." Naruto smiled.

Iruka tilted his head. "Naruto, what does Konohagakure mean?"

"No clue." Answered the blond. "Also why do we even use words in the old warring states languages?"

"So you know what the Warring States period was?" Iruka tried, hopeful.

"No, not at all."

"Do you know what a Chunin is?"

"You're one of those!"

"What's a kekkei genkai?"

"That's…a superhero?"

"What's a ninja, Naruto?"

"A badass who kicks butt with superpowers and dope fighting skills." Naruto answered, with complete confidence.

…It took a while for Iruka's mouth to close. Then he sat back down, pulled out a piece of paper, and (showcasing some of the supersonic speeds skilled ninja could reach) scrawled down a long list within a few seconds.

"Okay." He said. "These are the subtopic headings of the basic theory a ninja needs to know. You read this, and you find out at least the summary of what all these things are, you understand?"

"Ugh. Really?" Naruto pulled the paper over, glancing at it. "Shouldn't I just be practising the D-rank techniques we gotta know?"

"The exam has a theory section."

"It does?"

"You've taken it twice already! Did you not do the written test?" Iruka sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Naruto…you know this is serious, right? You're twelve. It's your final year. If you fail this exam, you'll be held back a year, and all your classmates will graduate without you."

Naruto looked down, his face going solemn. "Y—Yeah. I know. I'm trying, I just…I don't know what all the other kids are doing, I mean, I try to mould the chakra and it just doesn't want to go—"

"Then you need to focus." Iruka said, more gently this time. Under normal circumstances, Naruto's appalling chakra control would have had him diagnosed with a physical disorder and kicked from the academy (same as would have happened to Rock Lee, if Might Gai hadn't taken him on as a student). If not for that, his appalling grades would have led to the same result.

Except, of course, that every adult in the village knew exactly what was wrong with Naruto, and they couldn't afford to leave him languishing alone in his flat on the outskirts of town.

"I'm busy this evening preparing for the test," Iruka continued, "so you go to the library and get answers to those questions, okay?"

"But the librarian hates me!" Naruto pouted. "Every adult in this village hates me!"

"Naruto, they don't—"

"They do! And most of the kids, too! There's like…four people in this village that like me, and one of those is you!"

"Well then, it sounds like you have three sources, doesn't it?" Iruka pointed out. "And if they're busy, go find Mizuki-Sensei, he's on revision class duty."

"Mizuki-Sensei would just teach me wrong on purpose." Naruto scowled, and looked away. "He's done it before."

Iruka frowned. "Naruto, he's a professional, I'm sure he didn't—"

"Don't lie to me, Iruka-Sensei." Naruto said, quietly, not looking up.

Iruka closed his mouth. Sighed. "Alright. Good luck, Naruto. Hey, I'll take you to ramen once you pass, alright? My treat."

"Oh, really?" Naruto's grin was back. "Hell yeah! Okay, I'll go now! See you, Iruka-Sensei!"

"Go get 'em, Naruto." Iruka said, chuckling, as the boy set off at a run out into the corridor.

Amazing kid. The world takes everything from him, and he still manages to face the day with a smile…I just wish they'd let me tell him the truth.

Shaking his head, Iruka sat down, and went back to preparing the exam.

And that was more screen time than he would get in the entire ensuing story.

Hinata Hyuuga (see in this case Hyuuga is an important family that's super story-relevant, you'll get the hang of it) was on the verge of a major coronary event.

Naruto (Naruto!) was in her home. How he'd gotten through the estate's many protective seals without triggering an alarm she had no idea, but he was here, and he was looking at her expectantly.

Don't panic. Don't panic. This is a good opportunity. If we're useful, we can make him like us, and maybe if we make him like us he'll want to spend more time with us, and then maybe—

She shook her head to clear it, clapped her cheeks, and blinked owlishly at him with wide, white eyes. "S—Sorry. Chakra?"

"Yeee." Naruto nodded, scratching the back of his head sheepishly. "I…just want a good way to summarise things, you know? I asked Sasuke the other day, but he just said 'the blue stuff', and I had to pretend it had been a joke, and he's kind of my only friend, so…nevermind, I can go—"

"No!" Hinata shouted, making him jump, before coughing. "Of course, I can help you with anything. Anything at all."

"Oh, nice!" Naruto sat down, grinning at her in a way that set her cheeks on fire. "So, chakra?"

"Right." Hinata knelt, thinking. It was such a basic question; she was almost stumped on how to answer it. "Well, chakra is a store of energy contained within the cells of all living things."

"Oh." Naruto nodded. "Like, the Force?"

"The…the force?"

"Yeah. From Star Wars. Or magicka from Skyrim?"

"Uh…sure." Note to self, watch star wars, watch Skyrim. "Chakra is the power source ninja use to cast ninjutsu. We mould it, weaponize it, train to develop it."

"Yes! Ninjutsu! That!" Naruto pulled a piece of paper from his pocket. "Okay, so, ninjutsu is the superpowers, right?"

"Right." Hinata nodded. "Ninjutsu refers to all chakra-based techniques, but, typically it only means the elemental ones."

"Like Avatar?" Naruto tilted his head.

"Well, there's seven elements—"

"In Avatar there's four."

"Then not like that. Fire, water, earth, air, lightning, yin, and yang are the 'nature transformations'. Those last two are light and dark. You have to master a nature transformation before you can use its techniques properly."

"Right, and then you can—" Naruto made a set of fake hand signs.

"Yes. Most of the jutsu we're doing tomorrow are so simple they're barely even elemental at all."

"Okay…" Naruto looked back at his list. "Okay, I know taijutsu, that's fighting—"

"Unarmed fighting techniques. Weapon techniques are kenjutsu."

"Totally knew that…" Naruto was hastily scribbling on the paper. "But…genjutsu?"

"Illusions." Hinata said. "Mind affecting, that sort of thing. Rarely a problem for me. Uh, there's also fuuninjutsu and—"

"They're not on the list I don't care."

"Oh."

"Okay cool, thanks, bye!" Naruto jumped up, grinned, and was off.

"W —Wait! I can—" Hinata reached out after him, but he was already running, and it would have been too awkward to chase him down just to offer to help him…

Damnit. Damnit, damnit! No, its fine. That was a positive interaction, right?

Hinata sighed, and turned back to her empty house.

Sasuke Uchiha (another important surname, that one) was running a taijutsu kata in his room when he heard a panicked yelp from downstairs. Paused.

Huh. I thought he'd be here sooner.

"Sasuke!" His big brother's voice called out. "The midget's here!"

"Unhand me, foul demon!" Followed Naruto's much angrier and higher pitched voice.

Sasuke rolled his eyes, called "Yeah, he can come in. Itachi, you don't have to catch him every time he sneaks into the house!"

The door opened, and a yellow-and-orange missile was flung through to land on the bed with another screech.

"If I don't, your father will, and he might not be so nice about it." Itachi, a spitting image of his younger brother's raven hair and sharp features, gave Sasuke a wink. "Enjoy your date."

"It's not a—Oh, go fuck yourself." Sasuke rolled his eyes as the door closed, turned to where Naruto was disentangling himself from the sheets. "And you. You don't have to break into my house every time you want to come over, asshole! Knock!"

"Last time I tried 'knocking', your scary dad didn't let me in!" Naruto huffed, sitting up. "Relax, I'm getting better. He won't catch me next time."

"Sure." Sasuke chuckled. He knew full-well that his brother (despite only being five years older than him at seventeen) was easily in the top five most powerful ninja in the village. Naruto wasn't getting past him for a long while.

"So? I take it you haven't come for a study session?"

"Actually," Naruto pulled out and brandished a piece of paper. "I have, in fact, come for that thing."

"You what?" Sasuke gaped. When Naruto didn't immediately say 'psyche' and laugh, he whistled. "Well, shit, alright. You're actually taking this seriously."

"I take everything seriously, what do you mean." Naruto looked down at his paper, looked back up. "What the heck is a clan?"

Sasuke barked out a short laugh. "What—Really? A clan?"

"Well this says I need to know about 'the clans and their history', so, you know, good place to start."

"How have you survived school for this long…" Sasuke ran a hand through his hair. "Okay, clans (in the context you mean), are just big families of ninja. Well, mostly big. Hinata's, you know—"

"Alone too, yeah." Naruto looked down for a few seconds, before shaking his head and looking back up. "But normally, big?"

"Yeah. There's almost a hundred Uchiha. My dad Fugaku is the clan head, which makes Itachi and me clan heirs." Sasuke smirked, more than a little proud of the fact. "Konoha has a couple dozen clans, but the only ones that actually matter are the Uchiha, Hyuuga, Sarutobi, Yamanaka, Akimichi, Aburame, Nara…maybe the Senju, but they're basically extinct."

"Okay, so I won't remember any of those." Naruto warned.

"I'll write you a list." Sasuke rolled his eyes. "You know, the Uzumaki used to be a big clan too, right?"

"Wait, really?" Naruto blinked. "As in…I have people?"

Sasuke's gut wrenched. "Had, sorry. They were a clan from a big village allied with Konoha, but they got attacked in…I think the second Shinobi World War, got wiped out."

"Damn." Naruto bit his lip, looking away. "Uh…sorry, distracted today."

"No, it's fine, dude." Sasuke waved a hand. "And hey, apparently there were a lot of refugees from that war. I mean, your parents must have made it to Konoha. Odds are you'll probably meet one someday, right?

Naruto perked up at the idea. "Yeah, totally. Odds are they'll be super evil and super strong and I'll have to fight them."

"Eh, probably. Anyway, yeah, Shinobi clans."

"And Shinobi is just weebspeak for 'ninja', right?"

"Please do not call it 'weebspeak'. Yes."

"Neat." Naruto squinted at his paper. "Uuuuuh, final thing. What's the difference between a hidden jutsu and a kekkei genkai?"

"Oh, that." Sasuke raised a finger. "That part's fun. So, most clans have special techniques that only they know, and they don't teach it to outsiders. That's how Shikamaru can do that shadow puppet thing, and we can't learn it."

"And those are hidden jutsu?"

"Yeah. But, some clans (I.E, mine), go one better. Because we could steal the scrolls to those hidden jutsu if we wanted to. But nobody is ever going to copy…this." He screwed his eyes shut and focused.

A few seconds passed.

Naruto tilted his head. "You, uh. You okay? You look constipated."

Sasuke opened his eyes and sighed. "Ugh, kinda hoped that would work. I was trying to turn on the Sharingan."

"The what?"

"Uchiha kekkei genkai, or 'bloodline limit'. Basically, there are some powers that you can only use if you inherit them from your parents. Mine is the Sharingan. It's…well, my eyes go red and swirly, and I can see faster."

Naruto wrinkled his nose up. "The heck does 'see faster' mean?"

"It makes sense if you don't think about it." Sasuke waved him off. "Generally, bloodline limits are either eye powers, combination nature transformations (like being able to put together water and earth to make wood style), or weird things."

"What's under 'weird things'?"

"Itachi once fought a person who was two people."

"What does—You know what, it's probably not on the exam." Naruto shrugged, looked down at his paper…and paused, then looked back. "Hang on. Hinata's in a clan. Has she got a bloodline limit?"

"What—" Sasuke shook his head in confusion. "Yes. What, did you not see her eyes? She doesn't have pupils!"

"I thought it was a condition! I didn't want to bring it up!"

"Oh, for Kami's sake—"

In the highest room of the tallest tower in Konoha sat an old man in white-red robes. He had a pipe in his hands, but the usual wide brimmed, triangular white hat that came with his office was laid on the desk before him. It was very useful for covering up all the paperwork he was meant to be doing.

This was Sarutobi Hiruzen, the third (or technically fifth) Hokage.

There were about half a dozen people in the world (at least, that Hiruzen knew about) who could sneak up to his office without being noticed by his guards. But there was only one person in the world that was actually allowed to waltz in anytime he wanted. And naturally, Hiruzen's senses were sharp enough to pick up Naruto Uzumaki's presence pretty much the moment he entered the building.

That might have been aided by the music.

"Soooome…" Hiruzen braced himself, and then the door slammed open— "BODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME, I—"

"Good evening, Naruto." Hiruzen interrupted, his voice (though quiet) immediately silencing the boy's singing. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Oh, hey, gramps." Naruto ran forwards, hopped up, and sat on the desk. "Teach me history."

Hiruzen blinked. "…History?"

Naruto nodded. "Yep. History of Konoha, you have five minutes. Go."

Questioning Naruto was almost never, ever worth it. Hiruzen leaned backwards, and subtly signalled to the ANBU guards waiting tensely outside his office to stand down.

"Alright, history. Let's see…" He raised his pipe to his mouth, puffed on it. "Our knowledge of history only really goes back a few hundred years, to the Warring States period. It was a time when the world's myriad clans were constantly scrabbling for power and territory. Then, one day, the leaders of two powerful clans met. Hashirama Senju, and—" Ominous thunder crackled in the distance— "Madara Uchiha."

There was a significant pause.

"…What are the odds he's not dead and/or comes back to life?" Naruto asked.

"Not zero." Hiruzen admitted. "They were very good friends despite the fact that they were at war with each other, and brokered peace between their clans. Eventually, an alliance made between those two, the Hyuuga, and the Sarutobi clan—"

"That's you!" Naruto pointed.

"That is me."

"Do you have cool secrets?"

"I have a summoning contract with some apes."

"Dope."

"…came together to form the first Hidden Village. We are the village hidden in the Leaves, Konohagakure—"

"That's what that means!"

"—And the first of the hidden villages. There are five important hidden villages, and a few others that aren't relevant to the plot."

"Gucci." Naruto scooched forwards. "And the Hokage is the boss, right?"

"The Kage are. Hokage refers to the boss of the Leaf. Me." Hiruzen smiled. "The other ranks are Genin (cannon fodder), Chunin (side characters), and Jonin (actually competent)."

"You don't…normally talk about them like that."

"Well, since you're here on the evening of the graduation exam…" Hiruzen paused, waiting for Naruto's concerned chuckle, "I figured I'd try something that would stick in your head."

"Eh, I'll try my best." Naruto pulled some paper from his pocket. Hiruzen recognised Iruka's handwriting, and smiled. Need to remember to give that man a raise…

"Okay, yeah, last thing on the list is…" Naruto's face fell. "Oh. Right. Bijuu."

"Ah." Hiruzen took another drag from his pipe. "The tailed beasts. Would you still like to know?"

"Y—Yeah. Probably should." Naruto shifted position on the desk. "It, uh. It was the nine-tails that attacked our village, right? The day I was born?"

"It was." Hiruzen nodded. "There are nine tailed beasts in the world. The first with one tail, the second with two, all the way up to nine. All of them are incredibly powerful, incredibly dangerous. And the nine tailed fox, the Kyuubi, is the strongest and most dangerous of all. It broke free, that day twelve years ago, and caused untold destruction in our village. It killed the fourth Hokage, my successor, and forced me to reprise my role."

Hiruzen closed his eyes. Twelve long years, but sometimes he could still smell the smoke…hear the screams…feel poor Kushina's blood on his hands.

There had been many times in his life where he'd fought a battle that seemed impossible, yet won by a combination of luck and quick thinking. But that night had been different. When faced with the demon fox, a beast so mighty it could trample houses, sweep ninja away in droves, and muster chakra that could damn near decimate the village in one blast…

There had been no winning. Just hoping it killed them slowly enough for Minato Namikaze to get back.

"But…we got it, right?" Naruto asked, making him look up. "We beat the fox?"

"Sealed it away, yes."

"Permanently?"

"The Bijuu cannot be stopped forever. And the rest, I'm afraid, is classified." Hiruzen gave Naruto an apologetic smile. "When you become a genin tomorrow, perhaps I will be able to tell you more."

Naruto didn't respond to that statement with his usual outcry of determination, excitement, and 'Believe it!'. He just watched Hiruzen, with eyes that for a moment looked much older than they should.

"It's to do with the fox, isn't it?" Naruto said. "Why they all hate me?"

Hiruzen frowned. "As I said, much information regarding that night is—"

"See I know I'm an idiot, but I've been living with this for twelve years." Naruto interrupted; fists clenched. "None of the other orphans from that attack get treated like this. It's the fact that I was born on that night, right?"

"Naruto—"

"What the hell did I do wrong, gramps?" He stood up on the desk, glaring, "I have a right to—"

"Naruto." The slightest hint of killer intent in Hiruzen's voice, and Naruto froze.

Behind him, the two ANBU special forces guards (who the boy almost certainly hadn't even noticed) did not lower their weapons. Hiruzen had to give the signal twice before they made themselves scarce again.

"It is late," He stood, making him Naruto's height even with the desk advantage, "and you have a big day tomorrow. I suggest you return home."

"Sure. 'Home'." Naruto hopped backwards off the desk, turned, and made for the door. "Goodnight, gramps."

"Naruto?" Hiruzen spoke up again, feeling that he couldn't simply leave it there.

Naruto looked back. "Yeah?"

Hiruzen smiled, with as much warmth as he could possibly muster for the boy. "Good luck, tomorrow. I believe in you. Hold tight to the Will of Fire."

Naruto's eyes widened. Then the grin was back. "You betcha! Just you wait, I'm gonna be the best genin the world's ever seen! Then the best chunin, then the best jonin (cos I know what those are now), and then…then I'm coming for that hat, old man! See you around!"

He waved, then bolted out the door.

The Chunin teacher Mizuki (who didn't have a surname because he died so early in the show) stood alone in his room.

"I'm gonna ruin Naruto's exam." He said to himself, "Then I'm gonna make him steal a forbidden technique for me, then I'm gonna tell him his deep dark secret, then I'm gonna kill him. Sure hope that doesn't happen off-screen."

Howdy, everyone. Ya miss me?

So, it's occurred to me that the other week, when I switched some chapters around and back while fiddling with the document download settings, I accidentally brought this thing back to the top of the 'recently updated' section. That's...weird. And highly exploitable. But as an apology, here's a little extra.

Amusingly, I actually read Naruto fanfiction before ever watching the show. Seriously. I'd just finished HPMOR and was on the hunt for anything like it. Now, I have no idea if there will actually be anybody who's reading this that needs to be taught how the world works before starting, but it never hurts to stick it there. Will this hurt reader retention? Fuckin maybe. But the bonus thousands of views it'll get from jumping to the top of the list will be worth it, and also its finished I don't care. I just missed writing for team seven.

If you're new here, WELCOME! This is my creation, it can't decide if it wants to be funny or serious and its full of more references than a [insert metaphor here], but someone made a TVtropes page for it so it can't be that bad. Give it a read if you're interested. I promise its good.

Well. I promise its okay.

If you're not new, welcome back! Now, this is not an indicator that I'm writing a sequel, sorry. Blue Eyes is still on hold for the forseeable future, because I have no idea how close the Boruto manga is to finishing, and also because 'Blue Eyes' is a really shit name for a fanfic. Sorry.

Anyway, that's that. Have fun watching my writing quality drop by two years of experience when you click to the next chapter!

(I'm really doing a bad job at selling this, aren't I? Eh. Fuck it.)