Disclaimer: characters and situations belong to J. K. Rowling and Warner Bros. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: Dedicated to the good people of KOSHER (Slytherin forum at FAP), from whom this idea came.

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The Malfoy Code of Conduct

Written by Icarus Malfoy, b. A. D. 330. Revised by Julius Malfoy, circa. 1882

To Draco:

You are eight today. Fine time to begin learning how to act like a true Malfoy—those torture methods I showed you yesterday were just the beginning.

Malfoy isn't just a name. Being a Malfoy is in the way you walk, talk, and look down on others. Malfoys are patricians, Draco; our purpose is to look down on the plebeian masses, and to do that, we must first learn how to rise above them.

My father, Caius Malfoy—your grandfather—gave this book to me on my eighth birthday, much as I am giving it to you today. For the past 1500 years, this book has been passed through the hands of Malfoys. For the rest of your life, this book will be your bible. The laws of the Ministry of Magic are second.

If, by chance, some misfortune befalls you and this book is harmed, you are expected to rewrite it at once. Do not worry about forgetting the content; I guarantee that you will have had this book committed to memory by Tuesday.

Read and remember, boy, and follow the rules. This book will teach you the steps to being a true Malfoy. No one will ever doubt your name; no situation will fail to subside. If all else fails, you can always quote the book at them; the confusion that follows will provide sufficient time for you to think of a better plan.

You will be given a test on the first two sections tomorrow.

Oh, and one more thing: this book is charmed to bite, if you should choose to throw it down in frustration and disgust. I wouldn't try it if I were you—it hurts; I speak from person experience.

Your (lovingly) demanding father,

Lucius Malfoy

P.S. The book is also enchanted to spontaneously combust, set its surroundings on fire, and re-emerge from the ashes if you do not read it in three months.

P.P.S. Bad things will happen if you do not follow the rules.

P.P.P.S. Er... happy birthday, son.

Table of Contents

Section 1: of Birth and Death
i. Requirements of birth
ii. Acceptable circumstances of death
iii. Procreating

Section 2: of Food, Dress, and Shelter
i. Acceptable food
ii. Acceptable dress
iii. Acceptable living standards

Section 3: Business Conduct
i. Regarding others
ii. Regarding self

Section 4: Leisure Conduct
i. Foreword
ii. Regarding others
iii. Regarding self
iv. Important note that deserves a Roman numeral of its own

Section 5: Relating
i. On platonic relationships
ii. On 'romance'

Section 6: of Enemies and Warring
i. Ostensible treatment of enemies
ii. Secretive treatment of enemies
iii. Siding during wars

Section 7: in Practising Magic
i. Requirements
ii. On dark magic

In Closing