Disclaimer: I do not own Draco; I do not own Lucius; I do not own the Malfoy name. Those all belong to J. K. Rowling.... Nothing less than that genius mind could create the scrumptious basis of the Pimp Cane (TM). Other credits at the end.


The Malfoy Code of Conduct
Section 1: Of Birth and Death

By Taricorim

i. Requirements of Birth

Rule No. 1. Every Malfoy must have a suitably complicated and obscure name, preferably of Latin or Greek origin.

Names from history or mythology are acceptable only if they have suitably sinister and intimidating connotations. Every Malfoy is exactly unique by birthright, therefore it is important to remind the world of this fact. And what better way to do it than by giving the new-born Malfoy a unique, high-class name?

Rule No. 2. No Malfoy may be named 'Joy' or something similarly nauseating.

This, essentially, is an extension of rule #1, but it is so important that special attention must be given to it.

Rule No. 3. Heirlooms and money are your friends.

The ills that may befall a wealthy, high-profiled member of society! Bathing in luxuries everyday isn't all fun and games. There is no reason not to start training the Malfoy children in handling money at a young age--it can only be beneficial. Hence, each Malfoy should, at birth, be given a) a ridiculous amount of money with which to serve his every whim and b) a wealth of 'family heirlooms'. Ideally, the child should own nothing that isn't a 'highly valuable heirloom'--not even a nappy. After all, what indicated an old, prestigious, mysterious family more than a hoard of valuables?

Should the occasion arise that there rests no more objects to be given as heirlooms, do not hesitate to Apparate to the nearest high-end boutique and buy some. We suggest Regent Hall Inc., 128 Witchverly Hills, Hogsmeade--quality and sophistication for all the familiy! A few more heirlooms never hurt anyone.

See section 4, category iv. for further extensions on this rule.

ii. Acceptable circumstances of death

Rule No. 4. Malfoys do not die for honour; we die to spite honour.

Hence, no Malfoy may die in the following manners:

- Valiantly in war
- To avenge the death of the righteous
- In aid of another, a non-Malfoy

See section 5, category i. for further information on conduct of this form.

Rule No. 5. A Malfoy that renounces his family name shall die immediately.

Rather self-explanatory, really.

Resistance is futile.

iii. Procreating

Rule No. 6. Malfoys are made, not born.

Because Malfoys are such an important part of society, the continuity of the Malfoy line is vital. Furthermore, the calibre of the Malfoy line must be maintained--we wouldn't want to rob society of its best and most infulential members, after all.

But it is important to note that every Malfoy child is a product of his father's making (not in that way, cretin).

Rule No. 7. A suitable mother is preferable.

Note the following characteristics when seeking a woman to further the Malfoy line:

- Blonde
- Tall
- Aristocratic
- Beautiful
- Pureblood

Everything else is perfectly optional. See section 5, category ii. for further requirements of the (recognised) Malfoy female.

Rule No. 8. The quality of the Malfoy line must be kept pure.

Therefore, practising safe and innocuous methods of disposing of... er... burdens is quite acceptable. Not that a Malfoy would ever use them, of course. And do attempt to keep a leash on it, if only for the sake of the family name and purity. However, if you can avoid being discovered....


A/N: Credit for the original idea of writing the code of conduct and rule #4 goes to K.O.S.H.E.R., located in the Slytherin forum of FictionAlley Park.