Taste of defeat

Warnings/notes : Wufei/Treize, Wufei pov, one hint at Trowa/Quatre

Disclaimer : I don't own Gundam Wing. Wufei especially does not belong to me.

written at 8th march 2003, by Misura

written after watching the episode called 'Going after Treize'.

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He beat me.

I still can't believe it.

I thought I was good with a sword, that all my training meant something.

I was proud. I was overconfident.

No.

I was just self-assured, nothing more.

I got out of my Gundam, knowing what I could do.

Knowing I was good, better than him.

And he beat me.

Easily.

I should have been able to kill him or at least wound him.

I didn't stand a chance.

He could have killed me, I almost wish he had.

At least then it would have been over.

I would not be having these feelings, haunting me.

I want to kill him.

Want to dip my sword in his lifeblood, knowing in the end I was better than him.

Want to defeat him in a fair fight.

Can I?

I'm not sure anymore.

He beat me.

Without using any tricks.

I still feel the coldness of his steel against my throat.

I still see the coldness of his eyes, looking into my own.

I can't forget him.

He chose not to take my life.

How can I continue living, knowing every breath I take is by his grace?

How can I face my fellow warriors, knowing I owe my existence to our worst enemy?

I told them I will beat him at our next meeting.

Yet I'm not sure if I can do that.

He chose not to take my life.

Instead he took my heart.

He lives in my dreams. It's driving me crazy.

Why can't I forget?

Why couldn't I just kill him with a blast from my Gundam?

I should have.

Too late.

He beat me.

He took everything I valued away from me ; honor and pride.

So why do I never dream about killing him?

Is it because I know I'll never be able to kill him, even if his life would ever lay in my hands?

Is that the real truth I'm refusing to face?

Is that, perhaps, even the reason I couldn't win in the first place?

Because I was already possessed of those feelings?

Maybe I should talk with someone about this. But I don't know who.

Trowa does not strike me as a person very knowledgable on the subject of emotions.

Even though I have seen him staring at a picture of a blond boy who is, as far as I can see, not one of his relatives.

He beat me.

And I'll never be able to beat him.

~OWARI [I think it is anyway]~