Chapter 8. Coming Attractions

The following preview has been rated PG (Pretty Goofy). Viewer discretion is advised.

Coming soon to a Theatre of the Absurd near you:


Synopsis: Legolas the elf accidentally ingests a substance that makes him bark like a dog.


Boromir: What's the matter with him?

Samwise: It's almost as if... as if...

Frodo: What, Sam?

Samwise: if he's got hold of some dogwood, somehow.

Merry: (in shock) Dogwood? But that's deadly stuff!

Samwise: Mayhap it affects elves different from hobbits.

Legolas: (whine)

Boromir: He seems to want us to follow him.

Legolas: (barkbark... bark!)

Aragorn: What is it, Legolas?

Legolas (woof woofwoof snarl whine...?)

Boromir: He does want us to follow him! Look! He keeps looking back at us!

Gimli: Where are you leading us, elf?

Legolas: (growl)

Aragorn, concentration writ large over his features: Tell us again, Legolas. What is it?

Legolas: (woof woofwoof snarl whine...?)

Frodo: Pippin fell in the well?

Legolas: (excited barking)


Later, after Pippin is rescued from abandoned well...

Aragorn: I wish we could do something to help Legolas.

Gimli: Och aye, all that whining's getting on my nerves.

Legolas: (growl)

Samwise: Well, there was a remedy I remember from the Shire... I have some in my pack, just give me some hot water and I'll brew him a cup of tea.

Gimli: But will he be able to drink enough to make a difference, lapping like a dog the way he does?

Legolas: (growl snarl)

Frodo: Ahhhh, Gimli, I think maybe you ought to... ummmm... gather some more wood for the fire.

Gimli: (grumbling, leaves the group)

Boromir: Here's a mug of water, fresh from the boil.

Samwise: Let me see, now, I know I had some packets of herbs in my pack...

Frodo: Sam, what's a jar of peaches* doing in your pack?

Sam: O, it's just a little something I threw in, just in case we might need it.

Pippin: What about the solar calculator and portable shortwave radio?

Samwise: Ah, here it is! I just add this mixture and stir, now we'll cover it and wait...

Merry: Is that what I think it is?

Samwise: (sotto voce) shhhh, let's just see if it works as well for an elf as it did for Fatty Bolger. Here, Legolas, drink this up.

Legolas: (lapping from cup)

Samwise: Good boy.

Legolas: (growl)

Samwise: I mean, good elf. I mean...

Frodo: You had better quit while you're ahead, Sam.

Gimli: (returning) Whew, the stuff sure smells strong enough. Bet it'll put hair on your chest.

Legolas: (growl snarl)

Gimli: It were only a joke, laddie, don't take it personal, like!

Pippin: (excitedly) Look! He's trying to speak!

Legolas: (Meow! Meow meow!)

Samwise: (sigh) Must've mixed too much cattail in...

*about the jar of peaches. I don't remember whose story had a jar of peaches in it. I loved it, I really did, I am not making fun of you. It is just that, your jar of peaches got me thinking about exactly what all Samwise is carrying in his pack. Every time someone mentions him digging in his pack I think about that jar of peaches, and all the other things that must be in there... everything, you know, just everything, except, of course, some rope, which he didn't get until Lorien.