The Amazing Adventures of Supergod!
The World's Finest Bible!
From the hands of master theologian Burt A. Goodman
Welcome to The Amazing Adventures of Supergod! I'm Burt Goodman and I'm here to change your life. This is a completely new version of the first five books of the Christian Bible, chapter by chapter. It spans from the beginning of time to the trials of the prophet Moses. I promise it's much funnier than the original. This is the greatest story ever told like you've never heard it before!
This idea came to me as I pored over ancient manuscripts in the hidden temples of Everest. Having mastered every dead language, I felt I was perfectly suited to the task. Contrary to what you might be told from the Church, there were once many versions of the Bible. I felt it was my duty to examine them all. I sequestered myself in a cave below the Spirits' Temple and began. As I sat there reading these forbidden texts, hunched over my fire to shield myself from the snow, I heard a voice. I do not know if it was "God" as understood by the Judaeo-Christian hegemony but I know it was Truth. This is not my work. These words are straight from a higher power.
I am often accused by right wing hate-preachers of speaking with the voice of Satan. The general public's lack of education in the field of theology means that they are often claiming my stories do not occur in the canonical Bible. Readers will be surprised to learn how closely this follows the canon. Here are some of the types of questions (with answers) that I am forced to address every day.
"Does the Bible really say not to build altars with stairs in case people see up the priests' robes!?"
Yup. Right after the ten commandments, no less. Not bad advice if you ask me.
"Do people in the Book of Genesis really swear oaths by placing their hands on the thigh, near the testicles?"
According to some translations it's on the testicles themselves!
"What's with God and quails?"
Nobody knows His mind.
"Does God really protect the Tree of Life with cherubs and a flaming sword?"
Well, how else would He do it?
"Does Noah actually curse an entire nation to slavery because his son saw him naked and laughed?"
Yup. Maybe there is some backstory? This version gives it a tiny bit more context.
"What's with the detailed and bloody ritual required for cleaning a house of a mildew infestation?"
Ask God, not me!
"Does Jacob really beat God in a fight?"
Yes! In fact that's where the name Israel comes from. Israel translates to "God contended."
"Does it really detail the divvying up of captured virgins, with the head priest getting thirty-two thousand for himself?"
Yeah… It's a violent book, okay? This version addresses these issues better, but they are not hidden.
"Does Lot seriously offer his virgin daughters to an angry mob who are harassing God's angels?"
"And does it involve descriptions for a magic potion that makes adulterous women infertile?"
It's even worse in some translations… Are you done with the bad stuff?
"Okay, okay, back to the fun bits. Does Joseph really have a divination cup that lets him see the future but not change it?"
Well… The Bible mentions a divination cup, but we aren't told what it does… This is a nice example of my version adding a bit of flavor, okay?
"Is there really a conspiracy of other gods to destroy God?"
"Including the vampire queen Asherah, the fire toad Molech and the lion with three horse heads Chemosh?"
I… I mean, the Old Testament makes many references to the possible existence of other supernatural beings… Many scholars think parts of it were written before monotheism took over and, um, it mentions what gods not to worship, like Asherah, though she was more of a consort to God and not a vampire queen, and… Okay, you got me!
I exaggerated. That's my job as Master Theologian. I read the Bible so you don't have to. You won't find any repetitions, tedious lists, or any of the Bible's four hundred (!) uses of the phrase "it came to pass." If you are looking for a quick and easy way to check whether what I've written is in the original I recommend either the Skeptic's Annotated Bible (SAB) or the Common English Version (CEV), both of which you can find online for free.
Rest assured, you will be entertained and you may just learn a thing or two. So get comfy, relax, don't take it too seriously and enjoy!
Genesis, or, the Amazing Adventures of Supergod: 1st Edition
Eternity is hell. Those forced to endure it languished in boredom. They cried out, "what is left to do! What is left to learn?"
Supergod, greatest of all gods, silenced their pitiful mewling. "I, and I alone, can save us!"
The gods laughed. "Who speaks?"
"It is I, Supergod, greatest of all—"
"Fools! Greatest of all fools! How dare You brag of Your greatness with nothing to show. We have all traveled the Void. We have all communed with the Abyss. Some of us, in our desperation, have entered the Chaos Vortex, only to return broken husks. All this we've done to pique our interest. To survive one more moment of eternity. What can You do, foolish one?"
Supergod, greatest of all gods, raged! Why bother to respond with words to such impotent slander? Instead The Amazing Supergod channeled great magics, the likes of which have never been seen before or since. He had spent eons toiling, preparing, solving mathemagical equations and tracing terrible runes. Dark energies were pulled from the farthest reaches of the Forever Plane. A ray of raw magnetism emerged from the Chaos Vortex. The gods were stunned. This was something new.
This was the Spell of Creation.
Now the pathetic crying was replaced with joy and adulation. The gods watched as Supergod created light and darkness. The moon, sun and all the stars. Land and water and sky. But the astonishing spell had only begun. Next came the creatures. Fantastic beasts of all proportions. Land beast, sky beast and water beast, some as tall as five grown men! In short, Supergod created everything we see today, and even more left unseen. Our puny minds cannot contemplate the glory of all Supergod did. But the minds of the other gods are not so puny…
They spoke to Supergod, this time with more respect. "Truly You are among the greatest of gods, and we thank You for this momentary respite, but already we are bored. Your creation is too predictable. It never surprises us—we understand it all."
Supergod, greatest of all showmen, had a knowing smirk. "I have prepared for this," He thought to Himself. "This is going to be fun."
He cast a spell that would blow your mind if you saw it in person. Literally. The Amazing Supergod gyrated in ways inconceivable to mortals!
In an instant the gods were blinded by an immense aura emanating from the planets! Supergod channeled this aura into a divinely crafted dirt sculpture shaped like a god. No one knew what to think. "This is madness!"
Supergod laughed and filled His mighty lungs with air from the furthest reaches of the world. He breathed into the nostrils of His statue, bringing it to life!
"What is this?" the gods cried.
"What, this little thing? Oh, not much, just the greatest of all My creations. This is man and he will entertain us forever!"
As the gods poked and prodded this newest creation, The Amazing Supergod basked in His wonder. All these events took longer than we humans can imagine, but the imagination of gods far surpasses our own. To them it felt like what our puny minds would label "a week." And everyone can understand the desire to relax on a weekend. Supergod felt His work was over. "I will be forever worshiped by all gods. This is the life I deserve. What could possibly go wrong?"
Supergod described the special features of man. "It is just like us: it can think and act. It will never be predictable. It will excite in new ways, always."
"But Boss," said one of the others, for many had begun referring to Supergod as such, "we grew bored of each other. What makes this new Eternal different?"
"This is no god," said Supergod as He stirred a pool of liquid stardust so that the other gods could open their third eyes.
What they saw caused some to weep. The man's soul was marked with a conspicuous gash.
"Who weeps at genius?" asked Supergod. "As you can see, I have removed this thing's immortality and place it in this tree." Supergod pointed at what is called the Tree of Life. "It is weak. It is prey. We can do with it as we please. How can we bore of such power?"
Many protested, and one voiced raised above them all. The voice of Satan. "This must end!"
Satan rarely grew bored with eternity. He engaged in deep meditations and had always had a following among the hippest gods. He would tell them that there is always something new to learn, if only one had the patience. Since day one of creation, Satan had been Supergod's greatest detractor.
"How could we debase ourselves with your sinister creation? I see the vile designs you have for this poor creature. I will not stand by and condone torture!"
Supergod knew now was the time to silence Satan once and for all. "Relax, buddy, what is torture to a finite being? What will it matter when he is dead?"
Satan could only ramble after hearing this unbeatable logic, leaving many gods to distance themselves from him.
The Amazing Supergod struck the final blow. "If you're still dumb enough to doubt Me, then I'll take yet another part of man's soul. I will take his moral compass." Electricity spun around the Boss at super speeds and the Tree of Knowledge sprouted from the ground! "What will wrongdoing matter to a being that doesn't even get the difference between right and wrong? How can he cry foul if nothing is foul?"
Many cheered at Supergod's amazing victory over Satan, who had to admit he was satisfied and sulked in a corner.
Supergod decided now was the time to play.
After much jovial discussions, Supergod decided to name the first man Adam. Supergod and the others created for Adam a place to live: the Garden of Eden. They decided to make Adam name all of Supergod's other creatures. They loved to show Adam new animals, and each name he came up with, no matter how banal, filled the gods with joy.
"What a cutie he is!"
"An aardvark! Who thinks of a name like that? I love it!"
"Look at him watching the mammoths—they're blowing his little mind!"
"He called that one an anteater… You think he's getting tired? Maybe we should give him a rest."
"Awwwww, we can make him a tiny bed!"
They were having so much fun. But The Amazing Supergod had something even better up His sleeve.
Supergod first cast a potent sleeping spell on Adam, and then He ripped out his rib with a hardy yank. Letting the blood pool at his feet, Supergod sang a beautiful ode to the mystical arts. The earth shook as a figure emerged from the blood. It was Eve: the first and, so far, best woman.
"Behold!" bellowed Supergod. "I have gifted this woman with My own Spell of Creation. This way we need not create new beings ourselves."
But the others were not listening, and instead of admiring Supergod's prudent time saving effort they merely stared at Eve. Supergod turned His head to see her and gasped. She was more than He could have imagined.
The others all eyed her hungrily. That day, even Satan worshiped a god.
On the day Supergod had created Adam, a lowly reptile was nearby. Through some mysterious mechanism of chaotic magic, the snake received part of the soul meant for Adam. Though the snake lacked immortality it retained its moral sense, and so it was disgusted at the conduct of the gods. "These big shot show-offs think they can rule us all, do they? They'll never see me coming!"
Living in a paradise, the snake had plenty of opportunity to scheme.
The snake watched as the others played with the humans. He saw that no matter what the others commanded, the humans dutifully obeyed, and they did so without shame. "How could this be? Why do they not feel the anger I do?"
The snake saw that occasionally the humans would go near the Tree of Knowledge and The Amazing Supergod Himself would threaten them with utter annihilation. "I see they're missing moral sense, and the tree can give it to them. I bet the gods won't like that! This will be easier than I thought!"
So the snake slithered over to Eve, who was lounging in the sun. She did not feel the good in lounging, she merely did.
"Eve, babe, you're looking good!"
"Good? Does that matter?"
"Um…" the snake tried another tact. "You feeling hungry?"
"Great! I got just the thing, it's real tasty."
"Right… Uh, point is, it'll fill you up."
"Argh! Do you want to just sit around being hungry all day when I have just the thing?"
"I don't know… Is the answer yes?"
"The answer is no!"
"Oh, okay. Then no."
The snake was out of ideas. "Just eat this apple, you nitwit!"
"All right, why didn't you say so?"
"What!? Supergod said He'd kill you!"
"Is that bad?"
"YES! It's really the baddest thing possible!"
"Oh… So should I eat this or not?" Eve had plucked a shiny apple from the tree and held it in her hand.
The snake shook his head and tried to put the world back into some sort of sensible framework. "I meant to say, please do eat the apple."
So Eve did. As she bit into the fruit of Knowledge her stomach expanded three fold and her third eye momentarily saw into the Great Void. Powerful magics indeed, perhaps the greatest any human has ever experienced.
Eve knew the truth of her existence.
Many would break down had they stood where Eve stood, much like the dastardly snake was consumed by rage. But Eve was strong. She cried out, "I am nobody's slave!" and covered herself in leaves. She went to Adam to feed him the fruit.
Adam did break down.
"Quiet, you wuss. Your cries will attract attention!"
But it was too late, they heard Supergod walking towards them.
"Hide, hide!" The man, woman and snake cowered behind a bush.
"Where are you guys? Come out now!" said the Boss.
Adam immediately gave in. "Here, Boss, right here," and he emerged from the bush being sure to hide his penis with a leaf.
"Why did you take so long? You think I have all day?"
"I – I just… I just wanted to cover my cock is all, sir, I meant no disrespect."
"I suppose that makes sense. WAIT, who told you you're naked?" Supergod figured perhaps one of the gods told him to clothe. Supergod would have harsh words with such an idiot later.
"No one, no one! Just calm down!"
But this was the worst thing Adam could have said. Supergod isn't told what to do. Adam could sense dark sorcery as the Boss peered into his soul. "You ate the fruit! What has happened!"
There is no point lying to someone who sees your soul.
"It's maybe time I teach you losers a lesson." The Amazing Supergod dished out symbolic punishments using His Super Spell Casting Ray! To the snake He gave a lifetime of living on its stomach and eating dirt. To the woman He gave pain when she gave birth, and He told her to be slave to man. The gods nodded solemnly at such wise judgments.
A hush fell on the crowd as Supergod turned to Adam. "You are scum to Me. I created for you this Paradise, the Garden of Eden, and you spurned Me. You're dirt, nothing but dirt. You'll work for your survival from now on. You'll live off of sweat and tears. You'll work your whole life until you return to the dirt you came from, you slimy piece of refuse."
And so it was.
Satan and his followers, now called demons, renewed their attacks on the morality of Supergod's plan. But it was more than goodness that motivated the demons now. It was fear. "What would have happened if they had eaten from the Tree of Life as well? Can we really trust that the Spell of Creation won't go wrong again? They know the horrors we have committed. If they gain immortal souls how do you think they'll treat us?"
Satan and his devious cohorts decided there was only one solution. To both spare humanity of its suffering and protect gods from reprisals, the demons set out to undo Supergod's Spell of Creation. They set out to destroy mankind.
But Supergod and His followers, now called angels, were unmoved by weak moral arguments. "What is the value of the finite to the infinite?" they asked, and they scoffed at the demons' fears. "Cowards! We won't balk in the face of ugly humans!"
The Amazing Supergod and the angels formed a closed circle and pure white light emanated from their mouths. Cherubs leaped from the ground ready to protect the Garden, and from the sky descended a flaming sword of immense power.
Paradise is for gods, not men.
Adam worked the land and Eve populated the earth. In those days people lived long lives and they made the most of it.
Their first two sons, in fact the first two sons of anyone, were called Cain and Abel.
Abel was a humble shepherd. Though he kept many sheep he treated each one as if it was his only friend. For Abel knew these sheep served a super purpose. Whenever the gods grew bored they would come to Abel and demand the meat of sheep. "Burn them! Burn them! Let us smell those sweet embers!"
Supergod had created all His creatures, all His meat, to be pleasing to gods. Burnt meat would send the gods into a manic state of joy. They would clap and laugh and sing, "more meat! More meat!"
In this way Abel was highly favored by the Boss. A helpful boon in these times of trouble.
Cain, on the other hand, was a jealous farmer. He grew wheat and made horrible bread that people only ate because back then there was only Cain's bread. "Perhaps," thought Cain, "I too can gain the favor of Supergod." He offered the best of his harvest to the Boss.
"Wheat? The food of humans? Get out of here, maggot, before I crush your bones into flour!"
Cain fumed. "Will I live forever in my brother's shadow? Everyone takes for granted my gifts, even Supergod!" Jealous men do not take rejection well.
One morning as the family gathered for bread and sheep Cain screamed, "I can't stand it, I can't stand you!"
"There's a whole world," responded Abel, "with plenty of places for you to leave me alone."
This awkward outbreak was the last anyone saw of Abel. The world's first murder mystery was stupidly obvious. The angels hungered for meat and forced Supergod to intervene.
"Where is your brother, farmer?"
Cain trembled. "My Boss, if only I knew, it would be my honor to tell You. In the meantime perhaps You'd like some of Abel's meat I inherited?"
"Liar! Scum! Fool! Abel's blood sings to Me! Vengeance, it cries. VENGEANCE! VENGEANCE!"
A suffocating mist enveloped the farmer as The Amazing Supergod continued to chant "VENGEANCE! VENGEANCE! VENGEANCE!" But it was no longer the Boss's voice! It was Abel, but how? "VENGEANCE! VENGEANCE! VENGEANCE!" The words drummed against Cain's skull.
So it was that Cain was marked forever, his skin turned blood red.
Supergod smiled. "You'll leave this place and wander forever. No one will love you. No one will touch you. Sounds fitting for one proud enough to interfere with My affairs. The sheep you'll leave with us."
Cain broke inside, his whole self crumbling before the god's super justice.
"Don't cry, you wimp," Supergod said, taking pity. "Behold My mercy." The Boss sent out His angels to spread the news. "Anyone who kills the blood red man will be punished seven times over by Supergod, master of all."
Such are the whims of gods.
The gods were pleased with their toys, but Supergod grew irate as He lost control of them.
The crimes of man against Supergod are almost too disgusting to list. Men cursed His name and worshiped other gods, sending all their meat away from Him! Many men didn't focus on gods at all. Instead, they focused on each other, always plotting and scheming and even killing to improve their own useless lives. The very lives that would not exist if it weren't for Supergod! What bastards!
Worse by far, many woman bore the children of gods. These abominations of the Spell of Creation were called Nephilim. They were giants! These mean, stupid brutes roamed the world shouting threats to all.
"You'd better get out of my way if you don't want to end up smushed like the last dummy!"
People would take cover and shout curses. "Hey, watch it! I'm trying to sin over here!"
"It's time to start over," thought Supergod. "What I make I can unmake. Every creature I'll kill. Every one of these ungrateful hunks of meat. I'll drown them! I'll drown their women, I'll drown their children. They'll remember who is the greatest of all gods!"
But Supergod is a clever god. He chose the most loyal of all humans, Noah, and said to him, "take your family and build a boat, get two of every animal, and get ready. This rain isn't letting up. You'll be My new Adam. I'll try again and this time I won't be so forgiving to you worms."
Noah's family labored solemnly under Supergod's direction. They built the largest boat ever conceived, and they brought together two of every animal with extra of the Boss's favorite meat to satisfy His hunger. Whenever the Boss gave them a short break they would say goodbye to their friends and neighbors.
Their friends and neighbors were mightily confused.
"Hey, uh… hey, Noah? Huh… You know I don't like to butt in and all, it's just… You think maybe you should build your boat near water?"
"What's up Noah, long time no see. Have I seen a Brazilian Wandering Spider? Riiiiiiiiight, You okay. buddy? You look a little tired… Whoa, hold up, no reason for you to cry! I'll keep a look out, okay?"
"Noah! Yes I'm talking to you, don't you dare pretend you can't see me! I will tear you a new one! Next time you need somewhere to shovel the shit from your, um, zoo, how about you choose literally anywhere but my front lawn."
"What is your problem? Why are you so angry? All I did was bring up the weather!"
"An Australian Mouse Spider? Um… Did you try Australia?"
When the final plank was nailed into place, the family boarded. "Take heart," said Supergod, "you will be the father of all men! That's a lot more than most humans can say, and let Me tell you, there are some real failures out there. You just stay cozy and sing some travel songs or something."
Outside people died by the thousands, cursing The Amazing Supergod in vain.
The rain fell for forty days before the clouds parted and Noah could finally feel sunlight again. Yet his pleasure was cut short by the unfathomable circumstance he found himself in. Surrounded by water as far as one can see, what was he supposed to do? Noah's wife wept softly every night.
"Land, we must find land!"
Noah decided to use one of the extra creatures. He first chose a black raven. Noah was an intuitive earth magician and could speak with animals. "Go find land, little bird!"
"Find land! I find land!" The raven flew aimlessly and drowned.
So Noah chose an elegant dove. "Go find land, little bird." The dove was loyal and wise and looked for seven days before returning to Noah, dejected.
"Dove is sad… no land… only wet stuff."
"Fear not, little bird, have faith for just a little longer. Go, little bird, save us."
Seven days later the dove returned, chirping happily. Inside its mouth it held an olive branch.
"Is this land?"
It was not land but the family was happy nonetheless. "We are saved! The water is receding, the tops of trees are visible!"
With renewed vigor all of Noah's family gathered to send the little bird off one more time. This time it did not return. "Land… It must have found land!" Following the direction the bird had flew, Noah found himself once again with precious dirt under his feet.
Fearful of the power of Supergod, Noah built an altar and sacrificed the Boss's favorite meats. All extra birds and animals were roasted, attracting Supergod and all His angels who got really high and danced merrily.
Supergod was beaming. "I have chosen wisely, Noah, you do Me proud… for a human."
"I am not worthy, Boss."
"Well, obviously." Supergod noticed Noah shaking. "What's wrong? I mean you no harm."
Noah wanted to shout, "but You destroyed everything! How can I ever trust You?" but instead he remained silent and kept his head down.
Supergod chuckled. "I promise never to drown the world again. Is this enough for you? I don't need to promise anything, but you are loyal to Me." As He spoke, shimmering colors encased His beard. "Watch." The world's first rainbow sprouted from the ether. "This beautiful light will be a sign. Whenever I see it I will be reminded of My promise."
Noah lifted his gaze, staring straight at the greatest of all monsters.
Supergod finished, "but there are going to be some rules this time."
Supergod gathered Noah's family and all the angels. He was eager to make a statement.
"First, stop killing each other. If any of you kills one another then you should be killed!"
The angels smiled knowingly. How clever of Supergod to stop this foolishness. Humans were no good when bickering over silly things.
"Second, leave the blood to us. You must always drain the blood of animals."
The angels cheered. Humans and blood magic could lead to very unpredictable results, so it was best leave such things to the gods. This was an act of genius. How could anything go wrong with these rules in place?
Burdened with loss, Noah quickly turned to wine. He mumbled always about slights and cried out in terror at inopportune times. In moments of sobriety he would curse lost friends, wondering why they hadn't followed Supergod.
One day Ham, Noah's youngest son, entered his father's tent and saw Noah passed out naked. Ham rushed to his two elder brothers and told them what he saw. This was a great jape in the eyes of Ham.
His brothers were appalled. They placed a robe over their shoulders and walked backwards into the tent. Being careful not to look, they placed the robe over their father and then gently woke him.
Noah was told what happened and flew into a drunken rage. "How dare you, child. Mock me, will you? After everything I went through for you!" The air grew heavy as repressed earth magics came forth. "You think you're better than me? You think maybe Supergod shouldn't have picked me?" Ham could not respond as all Noah's words came out as drunken mumbling, which caused Ham to laugh.
Noah's eyes went cold and so did the air around him. "Laughing now, are you? You'll be sorry. I'll make you serve your brothers, you and all your progeny. Slaves, all of you, then who'll be laughing? All the slaves died in—in the—they all died, so why not you, huh? Ha ha, you're not laughing now, are you?"
Ham was indeed laughing as he could not understand a single word. But neither Ham nor his father knew that an unintended spell had been cast—the curse of Noah came true! Ham would forever be slave to his brothers, and so too would Ham's descendants, the Canaanites. That is how the Canaanites became destined to be slaves.
Like the children of Adam before him, the children of Noah populated the earth. They covered the globe with great nations like Egypt, Babylon, and Assyria, names that will live forever in history.
As humanity flourished, Supergod was once more losing control. "With so many people what can I possibly do?"
All the angels put forth ideas.
While the Angels debated, the humans were not idle. Many had gathered in Babylon with the guile to subvert the Boss's order. "Let us build a tower to heaven, home of the gods! There we will take over and gain their mighty powers!"
Though the plan was insanity, the gods didn't take chances. "They are too organized! This tower is really something else!"
Angels and demons both joined the Boss in a grim procession. Together they traveled and combined their voices to cast a devastating psychic bewitchment, Confusion Ray! When the people of the world heard this sound they hid inside their homes. Like children they cowered! But there is no escape from the combined will of the gods. The spell's effect became apparent: when the humans tried to speak they could no longer understand each other! The gods had spread different languages among them. "Ha! How can they organize if they can't even talk? Better luck next time, jerks."
Mother and daughter, father and son, when they spoke nothing but gibberish emerged to the other's ear. Families were torn and nations crumbled. Mobs of displaced roamed the earth, looking for new communities to call home.
Humans have never since known peace.
Supergod was quick to take advantage of the situation. "Why manage all when you can rule some? Now that the humans keep themselves busy, I'll once again choose a new Adam. He will not sire all of humanity, but only a small group of chosen few. These I'll rule with an iron grip."
The angels crowed with pleasure, visions of succulent burnt meats filling their thoughts. "Yes, Boss, this time You got it right. The humans will not rebel against Your will when they fear each other more!"
So it was that The Amazing Supergod appeared to Abram, greatest of all men. "You will sire a great nation, one that will have My attention and protection. Stick with Me and do what I say."
Abram could sense magical fields twisting and turning around his body. "As You wish, Boss."
Abram was a shrewd man and knew he could benefit greatly from such an arrangement.
The Boss first commanded him to take his wife Sarai and travel the world. "Don't just sit around, I want to see some action!"
Abram's first destination was the enchanted tree of Moreh in what is now Israel.
"Here your descendants will one day rule, though for now it is filled with putrid Canaanites. Pay it no mind."
Abram and Sarai continued to the nation of Egypt, but here Abram grew weary of the startling power of the Egyptian Pharaoh. "Though many of my slaves are armed with the finest weapons, I fear the Pharaoh will take for himself my wife Sarai, the most beautiful of all women! What will I do? Any man who looks upon my wife will desire her. The Pharaoh will kill me, the only obstacle to his desire!"
But Abram was greatest of all men and whereas weaker intellect would gnash their teeth and wallow in pity, Abram devised a Machiavellian scheme. "Sarai, my love, you will tell everyone in Egypt that you are my sister."
Though reluctant, Sarai was a dutiful wife, in awe of her husband as any rational woman would be. So she told everyone that Abram was her brother. Predictably she was soon taken by the Pharaoh for marriage. The Pharaoh was overjoyed with his new wife and payed Abram, her 'brother,' handsomely. Abram reaped in many sheep, camels and slaves.
Abram's trap was sprung. When Supergod came around to check on His chosen He was enraged to see Sarai not siring nations with Abram. He appeared to the Pharaoh in a dream turned nightmare. "How dare you take the wife of Abram for yourself. You have made an enemy of Me, Supergod, greatest of all enemies. Prepare for doom."
Black bile rose from the throat of many Egyptians that night. A plague, which Supergod caused by drawing energy from the insides of mysterious ancient ruins throughout the world. Faced with calamity, the Pharaoh had no choice but to capitulate. "Why did you lie to me, Abram? And you too, Sarai. I loved you, I hope you know. Take your stuff and go. The camels, the slaves, they're all yours, just please end this curse on my nation."
"That is up to Supergod," said Abram and he left with his crying wife and the largest collection of loot ever assembled.
Now a rich man, Abram was joined in his travels by his nephew Lot. Abram's slaves taunted those of Lot. "Our master is greatest of all men, what about yours? Ours is chosen of Supergod, what about yours?" These jests culminated in roughhousing and fisticuffs.
So Abram said to Lot, "I didn't choose this life but these are the trials I bare. I'm destined for great things. Perhaps it's best if we just split. There's plenty of world out there for you."
Abram returned to what would be Israel, which remained controlled by dirty Canaanites.
Meanwhile, naive Lot, distracted by feelings of rejection by his favorite uncle and being unlearned in the ways of the world, settled in Sin City itself: Sodom.
As it turns out, sin was the least of Lot's worries. No sooner had he arrived at the city then the region erupted into war. No less than nine kings did battle at once! The gods' creation of multiple languages was bearing fruit.
The troops of Sodom stood no chance against the most advanced stratagem of the time: tar pits. Poor Lot was taken captive.
When Abram heard, his heart sank. "My pathetic nephew, he cannot survive this world without one like me to guide him."
Abram gathered together his slaves, and warred against the entire region (as if tar pits could stand up to Supergod's chosen!). He battled with fire in his belly and sent his enemies screaming!
All around the land, exhausted messengers ran into court rooms bearing the bad news.
The kings were not amused.
Some planned their surrenders.
"You know the drill—sheep, camels and slaves! Give him everything!"
"Yikes! Glad I'm not a soldier, heh. Better offer him a marriage with one of my daughters. You know what? Make it two for good measure."
Some had already fled.
"Hey! Who took all our sheep, camels and slaves? When the king hears about this he'll… oh… I see…"
Some lived cushy lives and couldn't comprehend.
"We are at war? Oh dear… Why would we do that?"
"This cannot do… It just cannot do. No, I simply refuse to believe it. Remove this messenger, please. Yes, that's better now. Next time I'll hear pleasant news, thank you."
Some were just angry.
"Did you idiots consider running towards them instead of running away! I'll have all your heads!"
"Did you try the tar pits? He walked around them!? You are supposed to disguise them, you morons! Say that again please… An angry ghost appeared and started screaming about burnt meats? Oh dear…"
Nothing could be done. In the end, all kings involved in the battles were forced to prostrate themselves in front of Abram, greatest of all men.
Lot was, as always, mesmerized by his uncle's all-encompassing abilities. "I'm sorry I had to waste your time sir, I truly wish—"
"Silence, please," replied Abram quietly. "You are a fool, but a fool I love. I'll always look out for you."
Lot was stunned and returned to Sodom with warmth in his heart.
Abram was pleased with his riches and conquests. He began talking to all, even Sarai, with his head held high. But secretly he worried.
"Why have I not had a son yet? How can I sire a great nation if my wife won't give birth!"
Supergod overheard and was enraged. "You doubt Me? I mean, I did make the entire world but what do I know about pregnancies? Is that what passes for logic among insignificant beings?"
"Boss, forgive me, I—"
"I don't give forgiveness to beggars. You will earn it. You will see some of what I see, you will taste My power, and you will know that the greatest of men is the least of gods."
With that, The Amazing Supergod gave directions for a dark blood magic ritual to the petrified Abram. Though the steps were terrible, Abram followed without comment. First he gathered a cow, a ram and a female goat, each three years old. Next he caught two birds, a turtledove and a young pigeon. He cut the cow, ram and goat in half and he laid each half side by side. Blood caked his fingers and wet his feet. The birds he kept alive. They were to witness.
Next he waited. He stood all day, blood drying in the sun, carcasses rotting. He drove off the vultures that circled eagerly. When night finally arrived he was exhausted and fell into a deep sleep.
But this was no ordinary sleep. Immediately black forms appeared to him, forms that he could not describe. They convulsed, ripping and tearing at Abram's eyes. Suddenly he awoke. Looking up at the stars he breathed a sigh of relief, until the stars started to move, each transforming into a person! His people! The nation of Israel in all its glory.
Suddenly everything went dark. Fire burned in his stomach yet somehow he only felt cold. Hopeless and alone, dark figures moved in the corner of his eyes. An older woman stood beside a massive toad and a hideous mass of unspeakable flesh.
The woman shouted. "So. You're His new toy, eh? Unlucky for you."
"I don't understand. Please, what's happening! I can't move!"
"If I knew what was going on, child, I wouldn't be standing here talking to you."
Abram was very old and hadn't been called a child in over a hundred years. "Who are you?"
"We're the good guys." Her laughter suggested otherwise. He struggled to get away and woke up screaming.
Supergod was angry. "What did you do, you fool? Can you humans do anything right?"
"Oh well as long as you're sorry. I'm sure whatever dark magics you just unleashed will forgive you. Seriously, get your act together!"
Abraham cowered and Supergod continued, "you at least saw the nation and whatnot, I assume?"
"Yes, and a toad and a woman and—"
"Stop blabbering. I'm sure it's nothing. Point is you'll make a great nation. Don't forget it!"
In light of Abram's visions, Sarai was tenser than ever. "What kind of wife can't make a son? No wife of the greatest of all men! What a sick joke!"
Sarai pined for the ordinary life of ordinary greatness she and Abram had shared before. Not her new life of siring nations and marrying Pharaohs. Her desire for a child was not merely to appease the whims of a god she couldn't understand—it was a wild grasp for normalcy. Something that made sense.
But how can a ninety year old woman bear a child?
The reader must consider this context to understand her scandalous solution.
"Use my handmaiden."
"What?" asked Abram.
"My slave Hagar. She's young and fertile. She'll give you a son, and I'll raise it."
Even the greatest of all men can be silenced. But he complied… He complied gladly. And it was the gladness, the smirk he carried with him every day, that would destroy the whole enterprise.
Hagar got pregnant immediately. She became the center of attention. "Who's that glowing lady? Why, that's Hagar, the blessed slave!"
But Sarai's attention was not kind. "Who does she think she is? She leaves her duties to others. Look at this mess! Look here, it's Sarai, siring nations and cleaning dishes! This isn't right. She spites me, she hates me. She's jealous that her child is mine. Another mess! A stain remains on these clothes. I can't stand it, it's not just! Why? It's Abram. It is. He spoils her. The way he looks at her, that smile! He's wronged me, he's wronged me and he's wronged Supergod. He'll answer to this, he will!"
Abram shrugged off the suggestion of wronging. "She's your responsibility, isn't she? Do what needs to be done."
Sarai treated her poor handmaiden with increasing brutality. All her rage at Abram, she directed at Hagar.
It was unbearable. Hagar neglected her duties and fled into the hot Arabian desert. Most fools would have surely died but Hagar was followed by a sympathetic angel.
The angel spoke in a delightful voice, "this madness must end. Return to Abram, dry your tears, do your duty as slave. Listen, I will bless your child, and he will sire a great nation."
"The super nation of Supergod?"
"Ha! No, child, that is for your betters… But a great nation for sure, I promise."
Hagar returned, fearful of crossing an angel. She gave birth to a boy, Ishmael, and whenever life was tough she took solace in the greatness of her children's children's children's children.
Hagar's nation was fine and all, but Abram wondered what he was supposed to do now to get some proper siring of nations happening.
"Perhaps," he thought, trying to seem unexcited, "perhaps I'll take another wife?"
Supergod overheard Abram's plans and was pissed. "Again, you doubt? This time you doubt the vision you saw with your own eyes? Sarai will be pregnant, mark My words. I can make any old woman pregnant!"
Exhausted and frustrated, Abram fell on his face and laughed.
Only the greatest of men could have survived what came next.
"Laugh, will you? Perhaps a stronger ritual is in order. One that you will never forget."
So it was that Abram gathered together all his male slaves and his son Ishmael. First they stripped and found suitable weapons.
This was followed by a lot of awkward explaining.
"He wants us to do what? You're joking, right?"
"Four skins? I think I only have one…"
"Oh, it'll only take a minute, will it? I think you mean it will take a minute and a foreskin and give one hell of a bad day!"
"Calm down, everyone. It's not your whole penis, just the ugly bit."
"Ugly bit? Speak for yourself, mine's beautiful."
"To be fair it does… you know, get real dirty and stuff. I mean—"
"There are better ways to deal with that!"
"Are there? I didn't know that… I've just been leaving it alone, you know, trying not to think about it… Am I the only one not thinking about it?"
The discussion was never ending and unfocused, mostly a waste of time, but many preferred wasting time to circumcision. Finally one bright man was able to figure out just what to say to get everyone on board. "What, are you all chickens or something?"
And that was that.
Abram was particularly shaken by the event. The others were already marked as slaves, and now he was too.
Supergod wasn't quite done. "I think I'll call you Abraham and Sarah from now on. It means 'My Abram' and 'My Sarai.' Another reminder, in case you still don't get it."