Hi guys! This isn't a new story as it's on ao3, but it's new on here! Like I said over there, I've never really written angst before, so bare with me! This story doesn't get updated no where near as often as Where Do You Run, so you'll get a chapter once a week for seven weeks (that's how many I have done now) and afterwards there's no telling when I update. I have way too many stories right now I'm an idiot XD.

Hope you guys like it!


Saturday, November 4, 2017

At age ten, Richie knew that he could be an annoying little shit, it's one of his favorite hobbies, to annoy people. Even at age sixteen (going on seventeen in a couple of months), he knew that. But what most people don't know is the reason behind that. Richie's usually a happy guy, he has awesome friends and his parents are pretty awesome. He's also a giant nerd, that gets picked on and beat up, being called a fag or queer for no reason. Well, there is a reason, because he is bi, but no one actually knows that but himself and himself alone. At least, none of the people in Derry knew.

But he also has anxiety. It started around the age of twelve, in middle school, and has only gotten worse. Not to say that it was a constant thing but… it kind of was. He couldn't sleep, most nights. He over analyzes everything, except for his jokes and random comments. When he does something incredibly stupid or embarrassing, he thinks about it for hours on end, unable to focus on anything other than what he did. And it didn't have to be that day, or the day before. It would usually be something he said or did from months or even years ago.

He's incredibly insecure, he hates the way he looks. His hair is a mess, his nose is too big, he's too tall and looks like a baby giraffe who can barely walk. The only thing he kind of likes are his teeth, which, considering they're too big for his liking, is saying a lot. They used to be crooked as all hell, but his parents got him braces when he was twelve and he got them off when he was fifteen, and he still wears a retainer at night.

He wanted to change, he really did, but he hates change. He likes to make people laugh, or try to make them laugh. He likes the attention, even if he's getting looked at weird or cussed out by one of his friends. The only attention he doesn't like, obviously, is the Bowers gang, but then again, who would like their attention?

Richie never cared about changing until his friends started getting really annoyed with him. More so than usual. He couldn't sit still for anything , and it irritated Stan the most.

"Would you sit still for more than two minutes, Richie? God !" Richie stopped bouncing his knee and grinned at Stan from the other side of the table. The two were studying at the library. Richie didn't need to study, but Stan insisted that he'd get even better grades if he did, so he at least tried for his best friend.

"Sorry, Staniel. I just get oh so nervous in your presence!" He said dramatically, putting a hand over Stan's, who jerked it away from him with scowl.

"Don't touch me." He muttered. "Who knows where those hands have been."

"In your mom's pan-"

"Beep beep, Richie."

Beep beep Richie was the only thing that actually shut him up. If someone told him to shut up he'd continue talking or doing whatever he was doing. He wasn't completely sure why they started saying that, but he thinks it's because it reminds him of clowns and he hates them, so it'll shut him up.

Richie shut right up and continued trying to study. He didn't say anything for a while, so Stan looked at him to see if he'd fallen asleep or something. Richie was staring at the table, eyes glazed over a little.

"Jeez, Rich, did you have an aneurysm over there or something?" He asked, nudging Richie's foot with his own. Richie's eyes snapped up and he blinked. He coughed a little.

"Uh, no, I'm good, Stan the Man. Just thinking about-"

"If you say one thing about my mother I swear to God." Richie grinned cheekily but didn't continue with his sentence. But, he did say,

"I don't understand why we're still here. We've been here for like, three hours and I'm bored."

"It's been thirty minutes, Richie." Stan sighed, rubbing his forehead, already regretting asking Richie to come study with him.

"I'm still bored." He shrugged.

"Go make memes or something. Whatever weird shit you do in your free time."

"I'll have you know, Stanley the Manly, that I have over twenty thousand followers on Instagram because of my amazing ability to create memes!"

"I wouldn't know, because you won't tell me your damn username."

"Private stuff, my dude." He pointed at him and grinned cheekily. "Just so you know, it's one of the greatest things I've ever done." He wasn't lying, either, his Instagram account, his main one at least, was his greatest accomplishment, because that's where most of the thoughts and feelings he had were said. He'd never talked to his friends or parents about them, and he didn't plan to. He didn't really make memes, he just ranted multiple times on his Instagram story or in live streams, and usually, his followers agreed with him or tried to cheer him up. He never showed his face or used his actual voice, he made his voice deeper when he spoke in the videos. His followers were the only people who knew about his sexuality, and he intended for it to stay that way. At least until after he graduated and moved to LA, or New York. Wherever the wind takes him.

"Why don't you tell us your Instagram, Rich?" Mike asked, trying to look over Richie's shoulder at his phone, but he wasn't even on his main account, he was on his private, that he had only for his friends and family.

"Jokes on you, Michael, I'm on my private so you can look all you want!" He said, waving his phone in his face. "Because I have some private things on there." He grinned cheekily at him.

"I'm gonna assume you mean dirty so I'm not gonna ask again." Richie snickered and shrugged.

Richie knew he was crude and made disgusting jokes or remarks, but that's just how he was.Who he was, and for the most part, his friends accepted it.

He knew he'd taken it a little too far at movie night at Bill's, the next Friday. He's been annoying everyone purposefully all day, just to get a kick out of it because he's Richie and apparently, it was not the day to joke around Eddie, because he pushed Richie off of him harshly, knocking him onto the floor after he tried to pinch his cheeks.

"I'm not in the mood for your annoying ass, Richie." He hissed. "Leave me the fuck alone." Richie sat up and fixed his glasses as Bill just rolled his eyes and started the movie.

"Jeez, Eds, just trying to love on ya." He said, looking up at Eddie with a grin.

"Shut the fuck up Richie. God, turn around and watch the damn movie." The way Eddie said it made the grin drop off his face in an instant and he turned around and scooting so he was away from the couch completely, and not facing any of them in any way. He didn't say another word.

Why did he say it like he hated me? Richie asked himself, twisting a loose string of carpet around his finger. What am I saying, he probably does. They all probably hate me. That got him thinking, which wasn't a good thing because like Eddie, when Richie got to thinking, he thought way too much and got in over his head. If they hate me, why do they deal with me? Is it because I won't let them go away? Won't leave them alone? Or are they just pitying me because they know I hate myself?

He did, he hated himself. He realized it in that instant, and he felt tears stinging the back of his eyes. His entire body froze, the only movement his shoulders as he breathes. He took a chance and glanced at the others, who seemed relaxed and happy with each other, all cozied up on the couch and recliner together while he sat on the floor by himself. Another minute, and he stood up, digging in his pocket for his cigarettes. He'd use that as an excuse to go outside, so he could leave. He just shook it a little as he walked away to show them and grabbed his jacket and bag he'd brought, as they always slept over, as discreetly as he could, and walked right out the door. He was glad he'd parked his truck a couple blocks away because they wouldn't hear him as he left. He smoked three, yes three, cigarettes on his way home and the second he walked in the door, his mom made a face.

"What are you doing home? I thought you were staying at Bill's? And Lord, how much have you smoked today?"

"Pretty sure I'm not wanted there, mother dear." He said, shrugging. He dropped his bag on the floor and toed off his shoes as he took his jacket off. "And I smoked three on the way home." She stood from her spot on the couch and walked over to him.

"What's wrong?" She asked. "Why do you think you're not wanted there? What did they say?"

"It's not them." He said, shaking his head. "Well, it is but… Eddie basically said he hated me."

"He what?" She nearly shrieked.

"Jeez, Ma." He made a face. "He told me he wasn't in the mood for my annoying ass and pushed me on the floor and told me to leave him alone."

"That doesn't mean-"

"You didn't see the look on his face or hear the way he said it, Ma." He bit his lip.

"I'm sure he didn't mean it, Rich." She said, wrapping her arms around him. He hugged her back.

"Oh! Family hug time! I want in!" Wentworth exclaimed, running over to them from the kitchen and wrapping his arms around them both. Richie laughed. "What're you doing here, kiddo?" He asked, still hugging them.

"Decided I wanted to hang out with my old folks, ya know?" He replied, grinning at his dad, thankful his mom didn't say otherwise.

"We're not old, you lil shit." Went said, fondly ruffling his hair. "We're only thirty three!"

"Exactly, old." Richie raised an eyebrow as they let each other go.

"How are we old? We're not even middle aged!"

"I think anyone older than sixteen is old in his eyes." Maggie said, snorting.

"Accurate." He nodded as if agreeing with himself. He picked his bag up and shouldered it. "I'm gonna go put my shit up and take a shower. If you need me I won't hear so come bang on my door." He said, walking up the stairs. "But don't actually-" He stopped himself from making a dirty joke. "Uh, never mind, I'll be up here." He walked up the stairs quickly and Maggie frowned. Went looked at her with a grin, but it dropped when he noticed the look on her face.

"What's wrong?" He asked. She sighed and looked up at him.

"There's something up with him. I don't know what, but…"

"It's probably just hormones." He said, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. "You know how I was at his age." She snorted and nodded.

"Yeah, you horn dog."

"Hey, it takes two to tango!" He said, poking her cheek. She rolled her eyes.

"And that tango resulted in a baby at seventeen." She glanced back at the stairs and let out another sigh, shaking her head, "But I'm glad we've got him."

"Me too. Kid's got a lot of spunk in him. He'll go places, he just needs to chill a little bit with the profanity." She scoffed and pushed him.

"Like you're one to talk."

Back at Bill's house, Ben noticed that Richie hadn't come back yet, and it'd been at least thirty minutes.

"Guys, Richie hasn't come back in yet." He said. Stan grabbed the remote from Bill and paused it, looking at him.

"How long has he been out there? He probably froze to death."

"Not funny, Stanley." Eddie grumbled, standing up and trudging to the door. He'd been in a bad mood all day because of his mom, which wasn't very surprising to the others. He opened the door and called out, "Richie! If you've been out here smoking nonstop for the last thirty minutes, I'll be the one to kill you instead of the cigarettes!" There was no response. His eyes furrowed and he stepped onto the porch, looking down both directions, Richie's truck nowhere in sight. He walked back in and shut the door. "He's gone."

"Gone?" Bill asked. Eddie nodded.

"His truck isn't outside, anywhere." He took his phone out of his pocket and texted the group chat, knowing Richie was more likely to respond there than he would just between them.

The Losers Club!3

(9:41)Spagheds- Richie, where the hell are you?

(9:46) Mammy Bev- Richard Tozier, answer us right now

(9:52) Pappy Ben- Richie!

(9:54) Dickard- I'm at home

(9:55) Spagheds- why'd you leave?

(9:56) Dickard- i was needed at home

(9:56) Billy Bill- what happened?

(9:59) Dickard- Relax, guys. I'm fine. I'm at home with my parents.

(10:00) Stan the Man- We didn't ask if you were fine. We asked what happened.

(10:01) Dickard- Thanks.

(Dickard has left the chat)

"What the fuck?" Bev mumbled, looking at the others. They shrugged.

"He's never willingly left the chat. Do you think something's wrong? Like, actually wrong?" Mike asked.

"I'm gonna go call him." Bev said, matter of factly and stood, grabbing her jacket and going outside for a smoke break too.

"Better make sure she doesn't ditch us too." Stan muttered.

"Come on, pick up." Bev grumbled, calling for the third time.

"Bev! What do I owe the pleasure!" Richie's loud voice asked.

"Jeez, quiet down some. You'll wake Eddie's mom all the way from your house, if that's where you really are." She accused.

"I'm not lying, I'm at home. You can talk to Ma if you want." He said, completely ignoring the urge to make a joke about Eddie's mom, which sort of shocked Bev. Bev sighed.

"I know. What's wrong though?"

"Nothing, Bevvie Lou! I'm perfectly fine. Just thought I'd come home and chill with my folks, you know?"

"You were all excited about staying the night, earlier, Rich. And you've never wanted to stay home and chill with your parents."

"Eh, I guess I just wanted a change."

"A change from what? Did we do something?"

"Nah, Bev, really, I'm fine . You don't have to worry about lil ol' me."

"Richie-"

"Dad just yelled up the stairs that the food was here, so I've gotta go. I'll talk to ya later, Bevs!" He hung up without giving her a chance to reply. She huffed and put the cigarette out, throwing it in the bucket Bill had bought for her and Richie and went back in.

"He said that he just wanted to spend time with his parents." She said, mocking him as she sat back down next to Ben. "Said he wanted a change, but he didn't say from what."

"What kind of change would he want anyways? He fucking loves movie nights over here." Eddie said, making a face. She shrugged.

"I don't know, but I don't like it. It's weird."

Before Richie went to bed that, he went to his notes and wrote a small paragraph, screenshotted it, and posted it on his main account.

I think I sort of… lost my friends today. Maybe not LOST but they definitely weren't very happy with me. I know I'm an annoying ass hat most of the time and I have been my entire life, but I've known them all for at least 4 or 5 years, longer with some of them, so they should be used to it by now. I don't know if they've all just been pretending to be my friend or what, especially E… The way he looked and talked to me today made if feel like he hated me. I was being annoying then but still. He most likely hates me but I'm in love with him. Pretty shitty, huh? Motivation for the day, or, uh, night, don't be an annoying ass to your friends on purpose.