Disclaimer: I do not own the show, so don't get any ideas
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kelso thinks about him and Jackie and what it all meant.
Authors Note: This may definitly be OOC, but I couldn't help it. I think I'm one of the very few left who still feels for Jackie. I hope you like and if you do, or don't, please R/R.

*****

- LET GO -

*****

The other day when I went to see Jackie at Donna's, she smiled at me.

She seemed happy to see me.

That made me happy.

It was the weirdest thing, me and Jackie being friends again.

It was nice.

She's my first love.

My constant.

Sure, there was some bad history between us, but it was history nonetheless.

Everything seemed almost... normal.

We were back into habit.

We were Jackie and Kelso again.

*****

I won't lie, when Jackie said that we should get married, I kinda freaked.

Marriage?!

No way!

So, okay, I freaked and she ran out the hub, all excited 'cause she thought that we'd be together for, you know, ever.

I mean, okay, yeah... I always pictured us together. It was a definite thing, right? But marriage... well, damn, that's, like, huge.

So I decided to go to California with Donna 'cause that was a better solution. Besides, I figured Jackie would be over her marriage phase and then we could go back to being the way we were.

Except it didn't turn out so well.

So I met Annette and I thought that since I was stuck in California and Jackie was in Wisconsin, that I'd keep myself occupied.

Annette was just something to pass the time by, you know? I mean I wasn't really serious about her.

I still loved Jackie, damn!

Besides, when I went back to Wisconsin, Jackie would be right there, waiting to see me and we'd be back together.

It was all planned out and I was ready for it.

When I got back to Wisconsin, Jackie was there, but something was different.

She wasn't really there to see me, she didn't hug me or kiss me and we didn't have hot makeup sex later.

She seemed different; distant.

Okay.

Or as Hyde would say, "Zen"

*****

The other day I went to see Jackie at Donna's and she talked to me.

I was glad that the whole stupid Jackie and Hyde phase was over with.

I mean, Jackie and Hyde? Yeah, right!

First off all, they hated eachother! Second, he so was not her type of guy. She liked pretty guys, like me. She liked guys she could take out in public.

Hyde was just all kinds of wrong for her, man.

When I saw them kissing, I guess I kinda freaked. He was supposed to be my best friend! Friends don't dog eachother like that; Especially with chicks.

Hyde knew that Jackie was mine, and even if we were "broken up" or whatever, we would've worked things out like we always did.

But then I confronted Hyde about it and he didn't lie or deny it. I was so mad because he was stealing what was rightfully mine and hello! Have you no shame?

And I thought it was just this fling; something Jackie had to get out of her system, and then I find out that they're actually serious.

What's up with that??

That's just... well, that's just blasphemy!

Or something.

Whatever.

I just wanted Jackie back.

The war was on!

****

Donna once told me that I should just let the whole Jackie thing go; that in the end, it wouldn't of worked out anyway.

She kept telling me about the times that I hurt Jackie or something.

Okay, fine. Maybe I did cheat on her a few times, but that doesn't matter right?

I mean, yeah, I screwed up. I messed around and risked the one important thing in my life.

But I'm 18 and I have needs too!

I told Donna that Jackie was the only consistent thing in my life.

Which is true.

All my life, I've screwed things up. I don't know if it's hereditary or what, but it's just the way I am. Maybe it's just me, but I screw a lot of things up.

I don't know how to not screw them up.

Eric told me to give up Jackie. He told me that Jackie might be happy with Hyde.

I didn't want to give up, though.

If I gave up, it would be like letting go.

I don't think I'm ready to let go.

Fez told me that jealousy was an ugly thing and that it didn't suit me well.

I'm so not a jealous person. Okay, fine, when Jackie kissed that cheese selling bastard, I was a little jealous but it passed. I think it was something to pass though; something to make us "stronger"

But when I was in the basement and Jackie and Hyde were doing their "thing", I guess I felt little pangs of jealously.

Jealousy is a funny thing. I never considered myself a jealous person but Jackie was bringing out traits in myself I never knew. The way he had her, that made me jealous. The way Hyde would hug her, that made me jealous. The way Hyde would hold her, and kiss her…that made me jealous.

She seemed so happy and comfortable and I couldn't help but feel jealous.

******

The other day I went to see Jackie at Donna's and she hugged me.

I was so happy that she was coming around. It was about time.

It was only a matter of time that it became Jackie and Kelso again.

She was upset or something. She and Hyde finally broke up after he cheated on her.

Man, what kind of idiot would cheat on a girl like Jackie?

Okay, don't answer that.

But I had different reasons. I'm just not the type of guy to be held to one girl. Plus, hi, I'm 18 years old!

But Hyde...

Hyde had it good. Hyde had never been in a serious relationship and had no reason to cheat.

I mean, he thought that something was going on between me and Jackie. As much as I wanted to lie to him and tell him that there would always be something, I couldn't. So I told him the truth.

Jackie was just being there for me, like she had always been.

Remember what I said? My constant? My consistency?

But somehow, he didn't believe me.

Whatever.

Hyde's had a rough life. His parents' left him and he has all these emotional issues, but somehow, he landed a girl like Jackie.

And somehow, he screwed it up.

I know I cheated. I know I've done wrong, but like I said, I don't think I know how to not screw up.

And I always thought Hyde was the wiser one.

Apparently not.

I caught Hyde. He was leaving that hot nurses room and I confronted him about it. Finally, after prooving to him that there was nothing going on between me and Jackie, he realized that he fucked up majorly.

And he told Jackie.

Maybe he is smarter than I thought.

And Jackie broke up with him.

Maybe not.

Jackie broke up with me tons of times, but I don't think it was the same.

I think she expected me to screw up; it was something she was used to or whatever.

With Hyde, it was different.

Whatever, though.

Point is, he screwed up and I saw my chance.

I had to get her back.

*****

Okay, so maybe everything I said before was a lie; a fabrication.

I did go to see Jackie at Donna's, but she didn't smile at me, she didn't talk to me and she didn't hug me. In fact, she didn't say anything.

She was crying.

Maybe I said what I said because I was kinda holding onto hope or something.

But I went to see Jackie and when I walked in, she was curled up on the couch and crying.

I didn't know what to say. I wanted to joke around with her or tease her a little, and a part of me wanted to tell her it was okay.

But it wasn't like me.

So I stood in the doorway and watched as her body shook and she sniffled a few times. After what felt like forever, she turned around and saw me. She didn't wipe away the tears or anything.

I walked over and sat down next to her, akwardly patting her back.

'Cause normally I'd offer make up sex or whatever, but even I'm not dumb enough to say something like that.

It was weird, even when I cheated on her, or disappointed her, or made her mad, she never seemed that upset.

I remember that her eyes were all red and puffy and she kept her hands balled into fists until her knuckles turned white. She was seriously upset.

It hurt, I guess.

It hurt to know that the crying and the sniffling wasn't over me. That it was over my best friend.

But I was in a situation where all I wanted to do was be a friend and help her 'cause it hurt me to see her like that.

A friend.

So I sat there and she kept crying and we didn't say anything to eachother.

I wanted her back so bad 'cause I loved her so much. Despite the fact that I cheated on her and screwed up, I still loved her. We had some good times, you know?

I wanted it to go back to being Jackie and Kelso again, but deep down, I knew it wouldn't be possible. Hyde changed her too much. She changed herself too much.

I guess we all kinda grew up.

But even in all my stupidy and naiveness, I knew that I had lost.

Hyde had lost but he had a chance; I didn't.

Hyde could still heal the wounds, and I couldn't because I'm still selfish and stuff.

Maybe I always would be.

She deserved better, anyway. As much as it hurt to admit or feel, I knew it was true.

I sat there and became a friend, despite the pain it was causing. I sat there and I let the consistancy go.

I accepted it.

Because I love her.

And I know people are wondering how the hell could I love her if I did all the bad things I did.

Well, I did screw up and I did really love her. What can I say? I'm a guy. I can't always show it the right way.

So, as much as it hurt, I let her go because I realized there wouldn't be a Jackie and Kelso anymore.

I accepted, I learned and I let go.

You know, sometimes, there are things that you don't want to happen, but you got to accept it. There are things you don't want to know, but you have to learn. And there are people you can't live without, but you just to have to let go.