Never Ending Franchise Meets Disney In Order To Increase Market Prospects
Disclaimer: I don't own anything (except maybe Player). Any money you might earn by suing me wouldn't be enough to cover lawyers costs, so don't bother.
****************AND THE STORY BEGINS******************************************************************
Sora: I've been having these strange dreams lately- I think I should stop eating tacos before I go to bed…
Theme song starts playing.
Player: Err…what the hell is this? This isn't a theme song; it's a POP song!!!! MAKE IT STOP!!!
One of the oddest opening sequences plays. Sora and Riku are standing in the water, and Riku holds his hand out to Sora, but then a TIDAL WAVE comes along and submerges them.
Sora: Glub glub…
Sora tries to reach Riku, but is swept away. Kairi waves for Sora to come over, but just as he's about to another Sora falls from the sky.
Player: Right, this makes no sense.
First Sora (the one that's not falling through the sky) suddenly falls through the water, and eventually lands on a giant circle on the ground with a HUGE picture of Snow White on it.
Mysterious Voice, Bearer of Cryptic Messages: So much to do, so little time…take your time.
Player: Um…didn't it just say that there wasn't much time? So I can take as much time as I like, but there's not much time? Okay then…
Mysterious Voice: Don't be afraid. The door is still shut. Now step forward. Can you do it?
Sora rolls his eyes.
Sora: I've been able to walk for…like…13 years, you patronising moron.
Sora steps forward. Three stones, with a sword, a shield and a staff on them appear.
Player: That staff has the Mickey Mouse head…that's just wrong.
Mysterious Voice: If you give it form…it will give you strength. Choose well.
Sora walks over to the shield.
Sora: Cool, Frisbee!
Mysterious Voice: The power of the Guardian. Kindness to aid friends. A shield to repel all. Is this the power you seek?
Sora: Yeah, whatever.
Player: So…this is the settings part? Weird.
Mysterious Voice: Your path is set.
The shield disappears.
Sora: Hey! Thief! Give that back!
Mysterious Voice: Now, what will you give up in exchange?
Sora walks over to the sword.
Mysterious Voice: The power of the Warrior. Invincible courage. A sword of terrible destruction. Is this the form you choose?
Mysterious Voice: I'm taking that as a yes.
The stone things disappear and the floor shatters.
Sora: Wasn't me!
Sora lands on another circular floor, this time with a giant picture of Cinderella on it.
Cinderella: Would you kindly get off my face?
The shield appears back on Sora's arm.
Sora: Frisbee! You came back!
Mysterious Voice: (sigh) You have gained the power to fight.
Mysterious Voice: All right, that's not exactly how I thought you'd fight with a shield, but it'll work. Use this power to protect yourself and others.
Suddenly these little…black…dudes appear.
Player: Do these things remind anyone else of those black things that you can fight in the sewers of Deling City in Final Fantasy 8?
Player's Other RPG obsessed friend: No, they're from ICO you fool!
Player: Go home.
Mysterious Voice: There will be times when you have to fight. Many, many times. After all, this game is from the same people who made the Final Fantasy series. Keep your light burning strong.
Player uses liberal amounts of X button bashing, and the little black dudes are defeated.
Mysterious Voice: Behind you!
More little black dudes. More X bashing. Less little black dudes.
Sora falls down onto yet another circular floor. This time there's a door. Sora goes over to it.
Sora: (pushes) I can't open it.
Sora walks away, revealing a PULL sign on the door.
Sora saw a treasure chest and opens it. Then a large crate appeared. Sora pushes and smashes it. Then a barrel appeared and Sora smashed that as well.
Player: Ooh, wanton destruction!
The door then opens and lights are coming out of it as Sora enters the door. In an island, Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie are waiting.
Player: Oh god NOOOOO!! Anyone but THEM!!
Mysterious Voice: Hold on. The door won't open just yet. First, tell me more about yourself.
Sora: Well, my name's Sora and I'm an alcoholic.
Mysterious Voice: I mean tell the others about yourself. In fact, just answer their stupid questions.
Sora walks over to Tidus.
Tidus: What are you afraid of?
Tidus: That's not one of the answers!
Sora: Fine. Getting old.
Tidus: Is that really so scary?
Sora: Hell yes! One day I might end up like those old guys with tea towels on their heads that you see on the road, driving at about 1 kilometre an hour in their fifty year old cars!
Tidus: …yeah, that's pretty scary.
Sora talks to Wakka.
Wakka: What do you want out of life?
Sora: A golden toilet.
Wakka: Okay, but what else?
Sora: Um…to see rare sights?
Wakka: To see rare sights, huh?
Sora shrugs and talks to Selphie.
Selphie: What's most important to you?
Sora: Getting the fifth Harry Potter book before my friends so I can ruin the ending for them.
Selphie: What else?
Sora: Being number one.
Selphie: Is being number one so important?
Sora: Well, no one cares if you're number two, do they?
Selphie: Good point.
Mysterious Voice: You're afraid of getting old. You want to see rare sights. You want to be number one. Your adventure begins at dawn. As long as the sun is shining, your journey should be a pleasant one.
Mysterious Voice: In other words, don't go out at night. You're an…anti-vampire.
Sora: Okay. Sounds good.
Mysterious Voice: The day you will open the door is both far off and very near.
Sora: The day you cease speaking in contradictions is both far off and never.
Sora lands on ANOTHER of those circular floor things, this time with Aurora on it. Sora approaches a light and group of Shadows appears. Sora manages to defeat them all. Scary thought. After that, Sora approaches the save point and the light revealed stairs to the next area. In the next area...
Mysterious Voice: The closer you get to the light, the larger your shadow becomes.
Player: And the larger your shadow becomes, the harder it is to make realistic shadow puppets.
Sora's shadow rises and becomes Darkside- this really, really, REALLY huge black thing.
Sora: Oh crap.
Mysterious Voice: But don't be afraid. And remember…
Sora nearly plummets over the edge of the floor into eternal nothingness.
So he has to fight Darkside. He attacks Darkside a few times.
Darkside: Bloody insects. (swats at Sora)
Sora attacks Darkside's foot a few more times. Finally Darkside "dies".
Darkside: This is so lame. I signed up for this gig thinking I'd get to be the mega-ultra-super-hard boss, not some training level punching bag! I've been defeated by someone who could set up house quite comfortably in my toenail!!
A black circle appears under Sora.
Sora: I didn't do it.
Mysterious Voice: But don't be afraid. You hold the mightiest weapon of all.
Player: Yeah, I read the guide. It's a glorified house key.
Mysterious Voice: So don't forget: you will be the one to open the door.
Sora wakes up on a beach and sees [heroine].
[Heroine] AKA Kairi giggles like a demented hyena.
Player: Oh, I get it. She has to giggle occasionally to release the gas in her head.
Sora: Gimme a break Kairi.
Kairi: Sora, you lazy bum. I knew I'd find you snoozing down here.
Sora: No! This huge black THING swallowed me up!
Player: Yeah, sure. That didn't sound insane. Not in the slightest.
Sora: I couldn't breathe, I couldn't-Ow! (Sora's head hurts)
Kairi: Are you still dreaming?
Player: (frowns and tries to puzzle out that last question) Okay, I've come with the conclusion that was either a translation error…or Kairi's unbelievably stupid.
Sora: It wasn't a dream! Or was it? I don't know. What was that place? So bizarre...
Player: Like you can talk, you live in a place called Destiny Islands.
Kairi: Yeah, sure. Witness my scepticism.
Sora: Say, Kairi, what was your hometown like? You know, where you grew up.
Kairi: I've told you before, I don't remember.
Sora: Nothing at all?
Kairi: Nothing. Except that it was called Zanarkand, and that it was destroyed by Sin, but I was transported to Spira. Or was that a different Final Fantasy game? They're all so similar…
Sora: You ever want to go back?
Kairi: Well, I'm happy here.
Kairi: But you know... I wouldn't mind going to see it.
Sora: I'd like to see it too. Along with any other worlds out there! I want to see 'em all!
Kairi: So what're we waiting for?
Player: I'm waiting for the Disney part. When can I fight as Jack Skellington, god dammit?!
Riku: Hey, aren't you guys forgetting about me?
Riku appears. He is an Al-Bhed teenager with green swirly eyes. Or was that Rikku? It's the same name anyway.
Riku: So, I guess I'm the only one working on the raft.
Sora: I guess so. GET TO WORK MY MINION!!!!
Riku: And you're just as lazy as he is!
Kairi: So you noticed. Damn, and I thought it was a secret. Okay, we'll finish it together, with Sora finding all the equipment, me sending him on useless errands and Riku doing god knows what. I'll race you!
Riku: What, are you kidding?
Kairi: Ready? Go!
They race, Kairi waaaaaaay behind.
Kairi: (laughs the most screwed up laugh ever.)
Player: (blinks, then cracks up for about twenty minutes)
Kairi: So, can you gather the rest of the supplies? Sora, are you listening to me?
Sora: Sure, you said that your mother was really a donkey.
Kairi: Okay, here's what you need to go find: Two Logs. One Cloth. One Rope. Bring everything back here. If you need help, just ask. I'm counting on you!
Sora heads to the local convenience store.
Sora: I need Two Logs, One Cloth and One Rope. I'm supposed to find them on this pathetic island thing but I figure this is quicker.
Shopkeeper: Yeah, sure whatever. Scoot.
Sora now has Two Logs, One Cloth and One Rope. He goes back to Kairi.
Kairi: Thanks, Sora! I found something today, too. Here, it's yours.
Kairi gives Sora an out of date Hi Potion that she found washed up on the shore. For some reason Sora is thrilled.
Kairi: Tired? Want to call it a day?
Kairi and Sora: It's a day.
Author's Notes: So, what'd you think? Do I continue? Do I suck?
All right, I'll just come right out and say it.