Betrayal By Kate O'Riley

Codes: J/C Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I do not own/Janeway I fear/Or Chakotay/who is so dear/But if I did/ I'd treat them right/they'd be hitched at once/despite Voyager's flight.

Not bad, considering it's way later than I should be up. But, I don't own the characters, don't own Paramount, and I'm not one of the cursed TPTB, thank goodness. Actually, I wish I were, because then, the only ones cursing them would be the C/7ers. And they deserve it. DIE C/7!!!!!!!!!!!

Done with the rant. You may read.

Oh, and it's my story.

Summery: Janeway's POV during "Repression".

=/\=

"I'm in command now." His words ring through my head.

I couldn't help but mentally replay that encounter over and over in my head, as I sat on the bunk in the brig. Ensign Jenkins had recovered, and was sleeping, but I couldn't sleep. I wanted to cry. Chakotay had betrayed me, betrayed us all.

But he had still called me Kathryn. Would he have done that if it was really him? Something in his eyes had disturbed me, threw me off. His eyes didn't look like I would expect them to. There was a touch of something in them, something showing it wasn't really Chakotay.

I rested my head on my knees, curling into a ball. How could Chakotay have betrayed me like that? I didn't care if it wasn't really him, it still hurt, and hurt badly.

I should have seen it coming. When we were in sickbay, and he said "your crew". He hasn't referred to our crew that way in years. Even when he did, it was just a slip, and he quickly corrected it.

One of the former Maquis came over and lowered the forcefield. He pointed his rifle at me. "Let's go," he barked.

I stood up and began to walk. I guess I was going too slow for him, because he prodded me in the back with his phaser rifle. I turned and looked at him. "There's no need for that," I said softly.

He didn't say anything, but he didn't poke me anymore. We went up to deck one, outside the door to my ready room. My heart began to beat faster. Something was going to happen, and I didn't think I'd like it.

Then I heard him. "Bring her in."

I walked in, keeping my head high. Chakotay was there, with Tuvok. A phaser was in his hand. It hit me, like a bolt of lightening.

He was going to kill me.

I looked at him. The man I loved was going to stand there and kill me. And Tuvok was right there. What was he doing? Was it Tuvok who suggested that Chakotay kill me?

Then Chakotay handed the phaser to Tuvok. I don't remember what he said, exactly.

I looked at Tuvok. I pleaded with him. I'm not sure what I said, but I remember telling him that he was in control of his actions.

I remember thinking that I didn't want them to do this for a reason other than the fact that I liked my life. I didn't want them to go back to normal later on, and feel horribly guilty. I knew that Chakotay would, that he'd never get over ordering Tuvok to kill me. I knew that Tuvok would feel guilty over killing me, his best friend. I didn't want them to live the rest of their lives remembering that.

I could see that Tuvok was locked in an internal debate. Finally, he raised the phaser and pointed it at me. I held my head up, eyes dry and unblinking. I stared my death in the face, with only one final, sad glance at Chakotay.

Tuvok pressed the firing button, and I prepared to feel pain, followed by oblivion. Nothing happened.

He looked at the phaser coolly, then handed it back to Chakotay. I don't know what he said, all I knew was that I was grateful for the few extra minutes.

I was escorted back to the brig, and I sat down on the hard bench gratefully. Although I didn't let it show, all I could think about was how I could have died. How Chakotay ordered Tuvok to kill me. My best friends. Kill me. It was unbelievable.

It really wasn't all that long afterwards that the door opened. I looked up and saw Chakotay entered. My heart froze and I stood up. Had he come to kill me?

He let down the forcefield. I relaxed slightly as I saw he didn't carry a weapon, but that didn't necessarily mean anything. Maybe he was going to try torturing me first.

No! Chakotay wouldn't do that, not the Chakotay I knew.but this wasn't the Chakotay I knew.

All this went through my mind in a flash, before Chakotay finally spoke. "I thought you might like your ship back."

I kept my face neutral as I stepped forward, out of the cell. "No more rebellion?"

He shook his head slightly. "No more rebellion."

I couldn't look at him. Instead I focused on Tuvok, talking to him. I just couldn't look Chakotay in the face. The funny thing is, if he were just my first officer, I don't think it'd have mattered as much. Oh, of course I'd have been terribly upset and frightened. But it was different. The fear was greater, as was the sense of betrayal. All because I loved this man.

It's going to take some time for me to trust him, I'm afraid. He betrayed me, and even if he was being brain-washed, it still hurt.

=/\=

Kathryn Janeway rested her head on her arm and looked out at the stars, thinking. All remnants of the rebellion had been cleaned up. The ex-Maquis were back on duty. Tuvok had been given some time off, having gone through the strain of mind-melds with all of them. Except for the heightened tension between the crew, things were almost normal.almost.

A chime interrupted her thoughts. "Come in," she called without moving.

She heard the door open and footsteps on the floor. She knew without turning that they were Chakotay's. Over the years she'd learned to recognize him without seeing him, by his footsteps, his smell, his own particular group of little movements he didn't even know he did. He tended to fidget with his hands some while waiting, for instance.

She let him wait a minute. "Yes, Commander?" Her tone was brisk and business-like.

"Captain.Kathryn.I want to apologize to you."

Now she turned and faced him. "It's over, Chakotay. It's done with."

"No, Kathryn. It may be over, but I don't think it's done." He moved over to the couch and raised his eyebrow, silently asking permission to sit. She nodded and looked away.

He sat down. "Kathryn, I'd have never betrayed you like that, if I weren't in that condition." His tone held anguish. She looked at his face. It wore such a look of grief that she was moved on the spot.

"I know, Chakotay. I know." She turned to face the stars again. "But it's going to take some time. I forgave you already. The difficult part is forgetting."

"Kathryn, I am so sorry. You know I'd never hurt you otherwise."

"I know, Chakotay. I know you don't want to kill me. And you've said plenty of times that you have no desire to be captain, which I'm thankful for, believe me."

"Kill you." He let out a small moan. "Kathryn, I know you forgive me. It's just that.I can't forgive myself."

She turned and picked up his hand. "Chakotay, you remember the story you told me?"

His brow furrowed. "Which one?"

"The angry warrior," she said softly.

He nodded. "Of course, Kathryn."

"Chakotay, so many times over the past few years, I've remembered that. I've remembered how you promised to help me with my burdens. I think that promise needs to go both ways. You've helped me with my burdens, but I haven't helped you with yours. I'm sorry for that. Will you forgive me?"

He attempted a smile. "You have helped me with my burdens, Kathryn."

She shook her head. "Not as much as I should have. Will you forgive me?"

Finally, he nodded. "Of course."

She smiled. "Good. We're even." Moving closer, she picked up both his hands. "Chakotay, it's the same thing I said. I forgive you. I forgave you long ago. It doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt, but it does mean I'm willing to move past the hurt. Are you?"

He nodded.

"There is a very, very wise man, a friend of mine who I couldn't live without, who once told me that we had to leave our past behind, and live in the present."

He gave a smile on this one. "No wiser than a woman I know."

She squeezed his hands. "Chakotay, let's start our journey again." She stood up. "Together."

He stood too. "Together."

The end