Aquaman pounded the end of his trident on the coffee table of apartment 4B where a small group was gathered. "I call this meeting to order!"
Spock frowned. "I only take orders from The Captain. Since he is not present, as first officer, by default I become the commander."
"First officer," Aquaman snickered. "You hold no power over me. I'm the King of the Seven Seas; therefore, I shall take the lead."
Legolas sighed. "You may be a king, Aquaman, but I am a prince. What makes you think I would take orders from you or anyone else?"
A dull sound came from the direction of Monkey.
"Great Neptune!" Aquaman scolded her. "You should be more careful with your cymbals, Monkey. You scattered all the magazines on the table. Fix those before the Arrogant Genius notices something's wrong."
Monkey nervously rearranged some of them. "I am sorry. I always get too excited," she apologized. "You should be nicer with Sweet Baboo, by the way. He's not arrogant as you guys always say."
Legolas cracked a smile. Monkey was always so clumsy, but her heart was pure. She was also right about his Brother Elf, even if she persisted in calling him by such a ridiculous name. "Don't worry, Monkey. Should we start now?"
"Fine," Aquaman huffed, "but someone needs to take the lead of this conversation so we don't go off track."
Spock nodded his assent. "Since I am privy to what transpired, I will speak first. As you are all aware, I witnessed The Logical One packing a large box of prophylactics in his suitcase this morning. On previous observations, I have only seen him produce small boxes from his nightstand. My theory is now that they are married..."
Three pairs of annoyed eyes turned to Monkey, and her cymbals fell once again. "Sorry, it's just… they're married now!" She exclaimed animatedly.
"That is correct," Spock observed, "however, I do not understand your excitement about it."
In her heat, Monkey almost fell from the coffee table. "They are married, Spocky! It's so beautiful! Did you imagine they would finally make it to the altar? Ah, they are so in-"
"We know it," Legolas interrupted her. "It's very sweet you are so happy for them, but now you really should let Spocky finish what he was saying."
"The name is Spock, no Y. We are all aware that Monkey refers to me as Spocky as a term of endearment, but Legolas, that is not your style. You have always shown me the utmost respect. I am quite disappointed in you."
Aquaman slapped the Vulcan good naturedly on the shoulder. "Oh, c'mon, Spocky. He's just having a little fun with you."
"As I was saying," Spock continued, choosing to ignore his companions' comments, "now that they are married…"
This time, Monkey welcomed the mentions of her master's marriage with a badly muffled squeal. Spock chose to let it go.
"...I suspect my Vulcan ears will be subject to more frequent auditory distractions."
"They are quite loud," Aquaman agreed. "The closed door barely muffles their moans. I can't imagine how you and Legolas can bear to be in the same room as them without a sound barrier. When I was situated across the hall and was witness to The Homunculus and The Blonde's sexual activities, they were quite vocal as well, but I believe The Arrogant Genius and The Brunette have them beat."
"The pupils beat the masters," Monkey commented with a grin.
"It's a close contest," Legolas mused. "Each time The Fair Maiden visited The Hobbit in his quarters, Brother Elf would don a special armor for his ears. There were nights I wished he had an extra one for me."
"I believe you are referring to an apparatus commonly known as noise cancelling headphones," Spock informed him. "I have yet to locate a pair small enough to fit my body. If I should ever come across something, I will give you one as well, my elvish friend."
"I will take one too," Aquaman said, "and while you're at it, you can find some for The Blonde and The Homunculus. They may need them, even through two doors and a hallway. We all remember The Brunette's enthusiasm the night before she left for Princeton."
"My goodness, that form of stimulation is highly efficient!" The others shouted.
"Whoopee!" Monkey squealed.
Spock twisted his head to the door.
"What's wrong, Spocky?" She asked.
"I needed to be sure the neighbors could not hear us. We must be more careful."
"Maybe the neighbors will just think Dr. Princess and Sweet Baboo are back," Monkey suggested. "Like we said, they are loud."
"Indeed, they are the loudest," Legolas confirmed. "I lamentably had to close witness an encounter of Space Dwarf and his lady, and there is no comparison. Even if they breathed so loud the most atrocious hunter could have shot them in the deepest darkness."
Legolas's words confused Spock. "Who are these individuals you speak of?"
"I think he meant Sweet Baboo's friend that went to space, and his wife," Monkey explained.
"You know, the little one with the funny hair that used to do all those questionable jokes," Aquaman added. "His wife is the short blonde who has often visited here as well."
"The Hobbit's companion is also blonde, Aquaman. You should be more specific," Legolas advised.
"Maybe we should call them by their actual names," Monkey suggested.
"This sounds very reasonable," Legolas agreed. "I remember Spock suggested it the first time we all convened in this new land."
Aquaman grinned. "And then our friend Monkey insisted on calling her master Dr. Princess!"
Spock furrowed his brow. "However we decide to address them, it appears the conversation has veered off track from this apartment's inhabitants to a comparison involving the noise levels of the three mating couples. Fascinating. We must gather all the evidence to settle this logically."
"Everything is all about logistics with you," Aquaman muttered. "Can't we agree The Arrogant… I mean Sheldon and Amy are the loudest?"
"That is merely an assumption. We must prove our theory with hard evidence."
"I heard them from across the hall!" Aquaman insisted, "Why are we even still discussing this?"
"The first time I heard them, Dr. Princes- em, Amy screamed so hard the Three Wise Monkeys thought she was being killed or something. Heck, even I kinda suspected it."
"I would say we have enough information to affirm they are loud then," Legolas agreed. "We can move on now?"
Spock sighed. "The data remains inconclusive. Legolas, you said Howard and his wife produced less auditory disturbance than the others. Nevertheless, we cannot use that episode to support our theory, as they were hiding in Sheldon's room. A fair experiment would observe them in the intimacy of their own bedroom."
Legolas grunted. "I am very positive about not wanting to observe them while mating anytime soon, Spocky."
Aquaman drew near Spock and smirked. "Are you sure you don't want to see more action because you need to get Pon Farred yourself, Spocky?"
Monkey noticed Legolas's confused look and explained, "I am not sure about the whole thing, but I think he meant something about needing to mate."
Spock raised an eyebrow. "I assure you all I merely have scientific curiosity. And for the record, I am well away from my next Pon Farr," he clarified.
"So, considering what Spocky said about the circumstances that led Howard and his wifey to be more silent, I suppose we should think of other things that could affect their volume," Monkey suggested. "For instance, could it be related to duration? Both times I witnessed Swe- Sheldon and Amy, they were loud, and it took them a long time."
Legolas nodded. "It's not a bad idea. It fits the fact the dwarves were so quick and quiet."
"Oh, for Neptune's sake, this is so stupid!" Aquaman exclaimed. "This has nothing to do with duration. It's all about how frenzied the encounter is. How eager they are for the other."
"But the tiny blonde jumped eagerly on her man, and still they were relatively quiet," Legolas replied. "While according to Monkey's recap, Sheldon and Amy took things really slowly the first time, and still she cried out loud."
"I was thinking… Over the years, I have caught Leonard and Penny on camera in various costumes. Could be this another thing to consider?" Aquaman asked. "Spock, you told us Sheldon and Amy dressed as wizards shortly after we all moved here."
"That is correct. I took explicit notes that night. They even had faux magic wands that they used to pretend they were casting spells over one another."
"That's called role-playing!" Monkey explained.
Legolas again found himself disoriented by his friends' vocabulary, "I thought those were ceremonial robes…?"
"Oh, that's Halloween," Monkey said. "When they dress up and have a party, it's called Halloween. Instead when the costumes end up on the floor and they mate, it's called role-playing."
"Before Sheldon and Amy engaged in Pon Farr, I witnessed her wearing an exact replicate uniform of Nurse Chapel, hence the moniker 'The Nurse Chapel Emulator'," Spock informed them.
"Their relationship gained momentum slowly. Maybe it was a form of foreplay that resulted years later," Legolas mused.
"Ah, yes. I caught the whole encounter on camera," Aquaman supplied. "I must admit, it was quite interesting to watch. He lay on the couch feigning entrapment, but I could tell he was enjoying himself."
Monkey bounced so wildly that she nearly knocked the magazines off the table again. "I wanna see it! I wanna see Dr. Princess… Amy dressed as a nurse. I bet she was so cute!"
"Sorry, Monkey. Sheldon removed that tape from me long ago."
"We need to find it!" Monkey squealed.
Spock ran his hand over his face. "We seem to have gone off topic again. To recap, we know Leonard and Penny roleplay, as do Sheldon and Amy. The question is do Howard and…"
"What's wrong, Spock?" Legolas inquired.
Spock put a finger to his lips and cocked his ear toward the door. The others frowned and followed suit.
"What exactly are we listening for?" Aquaman asked.
"My Vulcan hearing is picking up footsteps on the second floor landing."
"It's probably just Mrs. Petrescu," Legolas guessed.
"That is a negative. The person in question is continuing their ascent to the third floor. The heavy weight of the steps leads me to believe it is a male, or perhaps a female with large feet. For the sake of conversational clarity, I will refer to our mystery person as he."
Monkey's eyes widened. "I hear it too. He's getting close."
"You don't suppose Sheldon and Amy are returning so soon?" Legolas inquired.
"It's probably just the neighbors." Aquaman reassured them. "Sheldon's preparedness is so on point that they would not be coming home already."
Spock jumped down to the floor. "We can't be too careful. Everyone, to your places."
The scuffling of tiny plastic and furry feet echoed through the small apartment. Monkey easily got into position in the bottom shelf of the bookcase, her animated face freezing into the expression she wore when the humans were around. Aquaman pulled himself onto the top shelf, took a moment to steady his breath from the climb, then froze into position.
In the bedroom, Spock reluctantly allowed Legolas to stand in his shoulders. When he reached the first shelf, he lowered his hand for Spock to grab. They continued this way until they too were in place.
Without a moment to spare, they all heard a key in the lock. The door swung open to reveal an elderly gentleman wearing a cardigan and a kind smile.
"He's Dr. Princess's daddy!" Monkey thought recognizing him. The resemblance was blatant. She was sure Aquaman got who he was as well.
Larry Fowler closed the door behind him, a look of relief on his face.
"Finally alone!" He exclaimed.
A/N: Thank you all for reading. We hope you enjoyed this silly little story as much as we did writing it. We would love to hear your thoughts!
Cheers from your Schrödinger's Fangirls, platypus_quacks_too, bigbangenthusiast, and stellina2a