Well, DVG's back yet again with yet another angsty fic. ^___^ After working so much on 'Blood Lust', I had so many ideas swirling around in my brain that it drove me nuts...which inspired me to write this. Don't worry, I'm still going to get the last chapter to 'Blood Lust' out within the next day or two, I just had to get this out of my system. *ahem* So on with all the legal crap...

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing or anything associated with it, they belong to all the rich Japanese people who do own them. *sigh* Does owning all the Gundam models and DVDs count? *sweatdrop* I also do not own the song 'Imaginary' by Evanescence. It belongs to Evanescence. Go figure. I suggest maybe even listening to the song while reading. ^__^

Warnings: Angst, insanity, angst, impending yaoi (guy/guy) relationship, angst, language, angst, oh yeah, did I mention angst? The pairings are gonna be 2x5 and insinuations of 3x4 with a dash of 1xR (*shiver* I HATE Relena, just for the record). Also, this chapter is in first-person POV, Duo's POV to be exact. You get to see into the mind of the insane. ^____^

Did I forget anything? Oh well, if I did, well, I get to it in the second chapter.

Reviews would be greatly appreciated!



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//I linger in the doorway//

//Of alarm clock screaming//

//Monsters calling my name//

//Let me stay//

//Where the wind will whisper to me//

//Where the raindrops//

//As they're falling tell a story//

You have to admit; I was the last person anyone thought would go crazy.

Me, Duo Maxwell, Gundam pilot 02, self-proclaimed God of Death who was always grinning like an idiot and chattering away like there was no tomorrow. Well, during the wars one did expect that day to be your last, not knowing if you'd wake up the next morning or find yourself looking down from Heaven at your grave, so you had to live on a day by day basis. I have to admit- I'm surprised I'm still alive.

But you see where that got me?

//In my field of paper flowers//

//And candy clouds of lullaby//

//I lie inside myself for hours//

//And watch my purple sky fly over me//

A nice little padded room with restraints and sedatives.

I suppose I should have known that this was inevitable, given my history and with every day passing that found myself still alive losing a little bit more of my sanity. You see; one can only survive so much death and destruction before it takes its toll on you.

Ah, now don't get me wrong, I didn't call myself Shinigami for nothing. I've witnessed plenty of nameless soldiers die at my hand and had not been affected by it, in fact I think I laughed at that, should've been the first hint that I was losing it. But no, it's the people I knew who died because of me and the grieving families who spend every waking second of my life reminding me of the horrors I committed for 'peace' that I've gotten where I am now.

Yeah, we're getting to the crazy part.

//Don't say I'm out of touch//

//With this rampant chaos- your reality//

//I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge//

//The nightmare I built, my own world to escape//

The other Gundam pilots have always asked me, in varying degrees of annoyance, why I constantly 'chatter' and can never sit still.

"Maxwell, will you shut up!" Wufei was so caring sometimes.

"Omae wo kuruso." Heero of course added the pointing of his loaded gun to my face with that.

"Duo, would you please sit still for a while and relax?" Quatre and his ever-so-gentlemanly self, basically saying the same thing as Heero and Wufei, but nicer. You would think with his little Space Heart he would have noticed something was wrong with me, even if I hadn't at the time, but he didn't.

Trowa just didn't say anything at all. Typical.

Well, I won't lie, I can't lie, I'm Shinigami. To tell you the truth, I hated the silence. I don't know how Heero and Trowa put up with it. In the silence, the voices can get to me. Blaming me for the deaths, haunting my dreams and tormenting my mind.

'It's all your fault.'

'If you had only moved quicker, I wouldn't have died.'

'If you hadn't gone off to steal that mobile suit, they wouldn't have destroyed our church and killed us.'

'It's all your fault.'

'You killed our husbands.'

'You killed our wives.'

'You killed our fathers.'

'You killed our mothers.'

'Weren't you the one who despised war because it made orphans like us?'

'You killed our children.'

'And it's all your fault.'

'Everything's your fault.'

Have a bitter taste of what I put up with all the time and you'll understand why I'm laying here in my nice padded room in restraints and sedatives coursing through my veins. I couldn't keep them away after the wars; I didn't have anyone to talk to, no missions, no more battles. Heero went off to be a bodyguard for Relena, Trowa and Quatre took control of the Winner Enterprises together, and Sally had coaxed Wufei into joining the Preventers. I tried talking to myself, but it didn't work. I moved constantly, but that only tired me and my savings account out after a while and the voices still didn't go away.

So I started screaming.

//Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming//

//Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights//

//Oh how I long for the deep sleep dreaming//

Screaming made those voices go away real quick. They don't like the loud noise. As long as I scream, I wouldn't have to hear them accusing me of all the death that followed in my path.

Unfortunately, screaming continually clearly isn't a normal thing to do. Someone called the police; can you believe they thought I was murdering some poor girl? I didn't realize how feminine I sounded until then...and I was carted off to the nearest insane asylum.

Imagine that.

One of the great Gundam pilots in a mental institution and a straight jacket.

I would laugh at that absurd notion, but in my current drugged state, not to mention my shredded vocal chords, I can't laugh at the moment. Though the keepers outside my door might find the laughter even more disturbing than the screaming and try to stick more needles in me, so neither way doesn't seem too pleasant. I'll laugh here in my head, can't be worse then hearing the voices, can it?

Hahahaha...Yeesh, all this thinking really gets a guy exhausted. Then again, it could be the sedatives finally kicking in.

But I can't sleep either. No, my dreams are full of the voices, and worse, images to kindly accompany them in their torture of my fragile 'psyche'. Ha, and the psychiatrist thought I wasn't listening to his doctor-mumbo jumbo when I got brought into his examination room. Just because I was screaming doesn't mean I wasn't listening...

//In my field of paper flowers//

//And candy clouds of lullaby//

//I lie inside myself for hours//

//And watch my purple sky fly over me//

Hey, the keepers are opening the door; someone actually noticed I was missing and was considerate enough to come visit poor little Duo in his nice padded room with his restraints and sedatives...

Can't see who it is...

Too tired...

Damn sedatives...


*sweatdrop* After writing that story about vampires and slayers, this seems almost like child's play to write. Ah well, in the next chapter we will have a regular third-person POV and see what the other G-boys think of Duo's lapse into insanity.

Click! Review! Flame! Just keep note that all flames will be used to roast my marshmellows...