Shrek 5: Death of an Ogre (Leaked Movie Script)

Donkey was kicking back and relaxing in Shrek's house while eating waffles. Those three fuglets Shrek and Fiona called 'children' were preoccupied watching snuff films on the magic mirror.

Fiona came home, bawling green snot out of her eyes.

Donkey rolled his eyes and moaned. "WHAT THE HELL IS IT THIS TIME, YOU UGLY GREEN THOT!"

"Boohoohoo! Oh Donkey its terrible! Shrek died from an onion overdose during an onion eating contest! I told him not to participate, but he wouldn't listen to me! Oh boohoohoo!" She sneezed into a handkerchief made from the skin of a human's face.

Donkey contemplated this revelation. "If Shrek is dead . . . then that means." His eyes turned into animated dollar signs. "I'm gonna be the new star of the show!"

"Oh Donkey, how can you think of money at a time like this! Oh boohoohoo!" Fiona stormed out of the house.

Later that day, Fiona and all of Shrek's friends gathered together to bear witness to Shrek's funeral. His body was laid spread-eagle and naked on the top of a mountain so that his body may be decomposed by the elements of nature, as was the way of ancient sky burial practiced by ogres everywhere. (But surely you must know this by now. It's obviously common knowledge.)

Vultures swooped down to take part in Shrek's body, but his corpse was putrid even for vulture standards, and it took them forever to finish it off. They would take small pecks of the layers upon layers of his onion flavored flesh and then turn towards the guests with guilty looks in their eyes, almost as if to say: "Why? What did we do to deserve this?"

When his bones were picked clean, they were ground up into dust and all the guests tore their clothes off, put on sackcloth, and poured the dust on their heads, wailing loudly and bitterly as they repented of their sins committed against their lord and savior Shrek.

Donkey didn't care about Shrek's stupid ass funeral. He jumped aboard his hot dragon wife and she soared for Far Far Away with the assistance of rockets on the undersides of her wings. (Rockets may have seemed out of place for a fantasy medieval setting, but these were rockets made out wood, so they didn't violate your precious lore.)

From afar, Cinema Snob watched in disbelief, crossing his arms and scowling. "That's not right! A wooden rocket would disintegrate itself! This movie sucks!"

They landed in Far Far Away by night time. Donkey trotted up the cobblestone road to the theater where he would be replacing Shrek as the new star of the show, but then a green ghost rose up from the sewer grating wearing a ghostly knight armor that made him resemble a Dark Souls character.

It was the ghost of Shrek.

"YOU STUBBORN JACKASS!" said Shrek's ghost in a Scottish accent, despite there being no Scotland in this fantasy world. "THIS IS MY SHOW!"

"Get outta my way, ya moldy green cracker!" said Donkey in an African-American accent, despite there being no Africa or America in this fantasy world.

"I'M WARNING YOU! DON'T COME ANY CLOSER!"

Unfortunately for Shrek, however, Donkey had trained himself in the esoteric dark arts of Jackass Kabbalah for this very occasion. Donkey turned around and kicked a hind foot through the air several times, producing astral horseshoes that hurled through the air towards Shrek, each and every one of them hitting him square in the onion sack.

Shrek fell down on his knees and clutched his green groin. "Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!"

Donkey had run out of spiritual energy and could no longer fling astral projectiles, putting him in somewhat of a disadvantage. Damn, he didn't think this far ahead. While Shrek's ghost lay there stunned, he made a run for it.

Later he came across a waffle floating in midair and coated in syrup. He supposed it wouldn't hurt to take a nibble. He clamped his teeth down into the waffle, only to find that it was actually a durable sponge, that the syrup was super glue, and that it was actually suspended by an invisible fishing line leading straight up to the moon.

The Dreamworks boi sitting on the crescent moon began reeling in the fishing line and Donkey found himself being lifted from the ground, ascending at an alarming rate that made him struggle for dear life. This put strain on the sponge waffle's durability. It finally tore in half and Donkey fell back to the ground, leaving a massive blood-soaked crater in the cobblestone street.

Now that Shrek and Donkey were both dead, they would be friends/enemies for the rest of eternity.

The next day, Fiona came home to her swamp, bawling her eyes out yet again. "Boohoohoo! It's terrible! Our franchise is dead! It's been bought over by Illumination Entertainment! How can they think of money at a time like this! Oh boohoohoo!" She hung herself from a rope made of human intestines. Nobody could feed her three fuglets and they died of starvation.

THE END