Hello al you lucky lucky people. This is probably the weirdest parody of H. Hornblower that there is. Please read and leave a nice review. Written by Demus and nekohebi.

Disclaimer: thank the lords, we do not own Horatio Hornblower.

The Day It All Went Pear-Shaped by The Indefatigable

I'm a girl. All ships are girls. I'd just like to get that all shipshape before my tale of adventure and (mostly) woe begins.

It began badly. And got worse as the day progressed. It was a beautiful sunny day. No, wait, it wasn't. It was raining cats, dogs, lumberjacks and tinned fish. Very painful rain. My deck was getting hammered in. The sailors who work on me were behaving as humans of the male variety always behave in these situations. They were running around flapping like headless chickens, occasionally screaming about random things such as hangovers and tropical diseases (i.e., women).

All except (drum roll) the anti-hero of the story and his best friend. Yes indeed, the mighty and unnoticed sidekick, Archie Kennedy! His best friend, Horatio "Oh what a big ship I've got" Hornblower, was busy primping his long luxurious (and probably fake) curls.

Archie was doing every job on the ship. I always remember him because he was the only man onboard who didn't urinate on my sides. As he frantically dashed from stem to stern, doing all sorts of nautically jargonal things, Horatio "Look at me, I've got an incredibly stupid name" Hornblower struck a pose, ripped off his shirt and dived into the sea. He has to do this at least once every hour otherwise his female fanbase sends him abusive emails. Anachronistic but true.

My gallant captain, one Sir Edward "Somebody find me the damn cough sweets" Pillow, erm, Pellew (what is this, the daft names brigade?) was serenely yelling at all and sundry. Pellew was forced to exercise his impressive lung capacity every day at ten 0' clock, due to a complicated and crippling mental illness. Or maybe he was just crazy. I'm a ship, what d'ya expect, a professional?


Archie sighed. Alas for the unsung hero. He dropped to his kness and waved his arms about, shouting "Oh dear, I'm having a fit! I'm totally useless! Jack Simpson still scares me! Somebody help me! *nudgenudgeHORATIOnudgenudge*"

Horatio "No Mr [insert midshipman's name here], listen to MEEEEE!" Hornblower blinked and, with the speed of a woodlouse, leapt into action. This means he prodded Archie a couple of times, discovered he was on hie own, and turned his big wet puppy eyes (I think it's a transplant) on his senior officer. "Sir, something's wrong with Achie!" (it must be noted here that this is NOT a typo. Through long investigation, it has been discovered that Horatio cannot actually say Archie. Must be something to do with being Welsh.)

Captain Pellew put his hand over his eyes and sighed. Before falling due to a particularly vicious tin of sardines.

"NOOOOOO! NOT YOU AS WELL SIR! OH, GOD I HATE MY LIFE! PEOPLE KEEP FALLING OVER! ARGH!" Horatio "I can't pronounce my best mate's name" Hornblower collapsed sobbing.

Archie stood up and made him a cup of tea laced with fruit juice. Rum would be too dangerous for Horatio. Then he turned and yelled at the heavens "WILL YOU PLEASE STOP DOING THAT!"

The 'rain' stopped. A lumberjack landed next to Archie, almost killing Horatio, who was having a nervous breakdown. Archie narrowed his eyes. "I'm warning you," he hissed. The clouds sheepishly cleared and the sun came out.

"That's better. Good sky," Archie said, picking up his best friend and his captain and carrying them below to their 'respective' beds. Note the insinuation.

The sailors all hunkered down to watch Styles run away from his invisible demons. They hadn't yet told him that the beef tasted so bad because of the drugs they'd put in it.

And then England was nuked by a lunatic from the future called Jim Bish as I sailed calmly into the sunset, dreading what tomorrow would bring.


So? Comments? Criticisms? Flames? Sharp implements? Just review? (that's not supposed to be a question mark you idiot!) Pwease?

P.S. Jim Bish is no way related to George Bush. Absolutely not. No way Jose. Would this face lie (? *whistles innocently*