Insomnia, not a Self Insert but a woman who was aware of the Harry Potter verse and getting shoved into Bellatrix's place knowing full well what was about to happen. I kind of look at it abridged Alucard or maybe Dracula Dead and Loving It. Not a bad person, but a good person most certainly having fun being bad. Regardless! Enjoy, and Merry Christmas!

Dying in a random car accident had not exactly been how I planned on punching out, especially at the age of twenty when I had barely even begun to live life and had only recently gotten over my very brief phase of thinking Twilight was actually a good book series.

For fucks sake I've never even imbibed in any illicit substances and I was still a virgin!

This was such bullshit.

Good job Alcoholic Bob, you are going to get sent to lock up at best and maybe get life in prison for manslaughter and I get to bleed out on the floor of my Volkswagen Beetle.


At the time, before the entire getting t-boned by a drunk driver thing, I thought taking a year or two off after graduating high school had been a good idea, now though...

Well if I would have taken that full ride at MIT instead of thinking on it I wouldn't be bleeding to death in a wrecked car pushed into a Denny's parking lot having selfies taken of me by stupid inbred cunts who didn't even bother with trying to treat me with first aid, now would I?

Did I smell smoke?

Oh, awesome, the car was now on fucking fire.

I briefly made myself snort in pained amusement, if daddy had even an inkling of my internal swearing he would be very irked with me... then I coughed up some more blood.

Oh Yay...

I tried to move, I really did, but only my left arm was able to function, and even then the concussion made directing it a tad bit of a chore.

Still though, priorities.

Fumbling around my purse I managed to pull my cell out, and opened the text log to my little sister.

"Love you always," I managed to whisper and type out, hitting send just as the gas tank exploded, then I knew nothing more.

Death was.. oddly anticlimactic all told. It was warm, it was dark, it was wet, and honestly kind of reminded me of that time when daddy took me and my sister to Jamaica and we'd gone deep sea diving.

There had been dolphins then, and my little sister had managed to hug one before it had gotten annoyed and shrugged her off earning a laugh both from myself and daddy.

Those had been...good times...

I really didn't have a word for this new feeling really, honestly I was going to stick with 'Weird' and roll with it for now.

Then, after what may have been days, weeks, months, or even years, everything changed, my little bubble of submarine solitude popped, and I was squeezed through the worst water park tunnel ever. When there was light I could barely see, everything became a blur, the world smelled disgusting, and I couldn't help but scream.

My own cries grated on my ears, I had always hated the sound of children screaming and crying, it was one of the many reasons I refused to babysit and tutor my many cousins despite my family pressuring me to do so.

Fuck them, they didn't have to deal with being leered at by a bunch of horny boys or sneered at by a bunch of bitchy girls day in and day out then have to work part time at a goddamn sandwich shop just to have gas money to get to school since public transit didn't reach out to where I needed to go.

Regardless, sorry I don't want to take care of your spawn after all that because you're too fucking stupid to handle freshman algebra, and no bringing up grandma's health isn't going to make me start giving a damn so stop harping in on that.

She agrees with me regardless, she was putting together bombers when you weren't even a thought in the back of her mind, trust me grams likes me waaaaay more than she likes you.

The hell was I talking about again?

Right, the screaming, or the lack of me indulging in it further, I was shifted from one set of arms to another, then felt a finger tickling under my nose as a man cheerfully spoke up.

"Oh she's perfect Druella, our little girl is just picture perfect isn't she?!"

Ok...the fuck?

I felt a gentle kiss on my forehead when the man spoke once again, "Welcome to the family, Bellatrix Alya Black."

You... You have got to be fucking kidding me...

So, it ends up being reincarnated as a fictional character from a book series you rather enjoyed as a child, and a movie series you sort of obsessed on as an adolescent was all kinds of stressful.

You know, when you are fully fucking aware that you are destined to be the batshit insane cheerleader for the worst magical dictator in recent history.

And I don't mean 'the worst' as in the most terrifying, I mean the worst in the sense that he was absolute shit at what he was trying to do.

I mean really, when you break all of it down Dumbledore's former back pocket wand holster buddy managed to conquer most of Europe with the help of the Nazis in less than a decade. That is both magical and mundane mind you. Yes, while he was an utter bastard about it even I can not help but be impressed by his rate of progress across the spectrum.

Too bad for Grindelwald that he wasn't keeping a closer eye on Hitler and his suicidal desire to open up a two front war with the Soviets for no good goddamn reason other then "Whoops I'm on opiates to compensate for my flatulence!".

It reminded me of something one of my history teachers once told me; the best, and the worst thing that ever happened to the Nazi party was Hitler, and the allies were damn lucky no one managed to assassinate the stupid bastard to open up the way for someone competent to take over.

That aside Riddle spent eleven years relying on terrorist attacks to take over magical Britain and the only reason he had any fucking success at that was because his primary obstacle was a pacifistic school teacher and a hilariously corrupt government.

Really, throw any royal marine in Dumbledore's position, and I mean any, and the tables would have been turned instantly because his first reaction would be "Kill the dicks trying to kill you!" instead of "Everyone deserves a second chance!"

Thankfully, well, I'm taking it as a good sign at least, my new parents are not idiots. Cygnus and Druella Black were not the sort of people I would have thought would whore their first born out to the LeStranges so there was that at least. Though I had wondered on how that had come to be so in the books it wasn't until my second birthday that I got my first inkling of an answer on that front.

That is, meeting my Aunt Walburga

"So that is the first of the next generation meant to purify our world, she is a pretty one my dear."

Walburga Black nee Black, in all her paper thin skin and jaundiced eyed glory leered down at me with a look that resembled a large bird intending to pluck the eyes out of a kitten.

Glancing at my mum I was pleased to note she looked just as uncomfortable as I felt, go team Rosier, we aren't innately idiots!

"Bellatrix is beautiful for certain, but her journey in life shall be of her own choosing," Druella stated calmly.

Go. Mom.

That didn't settle well with Walburga, "Are you telling me you are not going to teach her the proper ways!? That she'll grow up thinking mudbloods and the unclean half-bloods are our equals!? Why I-"

I couldn't help it, I pointed at the bitch and stated, "Cunt."

Dad and Uncle Orion both snorted in surprise while mum actually laughed, Walburga turned an interesting shade of purple as she pulled her wand and pointed it at me, that's when I felt something...funny.

It felt like a tightly fastened rubber band snapped in my chest, and then something all empowering, warm, inviting, and invigorating flooded through my body, then while I glared at Walburga the woman's wand exploded and she was sent flying across the room.

Daddy Cygnus grinned at his brother while scooping me up from my shocked mother's arms, "Well, it would seem my little girl has proven her worth eh? You might want to drag your wife home while she's still incoherent brother of mine, it'll make it easier for you to deal with her later."

I was still seething when Cygnus pulled me close and whispered, "Good girl, I'm proud of you," and I didn't know how to react to that, this was so against cannon I just didn't know what to say, so I just grabbed his finger and said the first thing that came to mind.


And my ...father tightened his grip around my fingers while he met my lilac gaze with his solemn grey, "Love you too, my dear heart.

Little did I know the drama this would unfold years on.

Not that I, or the family I deemed worth my while cared.

I was, after all, Bellatrix Fucking Black.

The magical world had no idea what it had gotten itself into.