Title: Swinegate

Authors: Allie O'Neal and Ted Sadler

Emails: feedallie@scififan.com : ted.sadler@ntlworld.com Rating: G

Summary: The crossover to end all crossovers Category: Angst, drama, romance, tension, mayhem, pies, overacting, humour

Pairings: Sam/Other, Jack/Other, Sam/Jack

Spoilers: Dozens - just laugh when you come across them

Status: complete

Warnings: none

Season: Future Archive: SJD yes

Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions, or The Jim Henson Company. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the authors. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the authors.

Copyright (c) 2003 Allie O'Neal & Ted Sadler


By Allie O'Neal & Ted Sadler

Sam would never admit it to anyone, but she was just as much a part of the enraptured audience whenever Jack had been cajoled by the kids into telling a story. This evening, the children sat either side of him, clutching their favourite soft toys, looking up and demanding to know how he and mom first decided to get married.

"Yes, do tell, Jack!" said Sam, knowing that this version would be just as wildly original as the previous stories.

"Well, let's see if I can remember." he said with a sigh, smiling back at her. "Oh, yes. Once upon a time...."

Even though General Hammond had ordered the iris to be closed, it was not done quickly enough to stop the bright green creature from diving through the closing aperture, rolling down the ramp and wrapping itself around Major Carter as she stood with the rest of SG-1 in the gate room.

"Hide me!" he pleaded. "Please, please don't let them find me here!" He squeezed his arms round her waist and looked nervously back at the Stargate. Carter's automatic reaction was to put her hands on his shoulders in a gesture of protection, but her astonishment was complete.

"Kermit?" she gasped. "You're... real?!!"

"Yeah, real scared and real dead soon if you don't stop them!" cried the anguished amphibian, looking up at her.

"OK, OK, Kermie." said Sam, soothingly. "I'll look after you, don't you worry now." She pulled his head against her stomach and rocked him gently back and forth.

'Kermie?' Jonas and Teal'c mouthed silently at each other, expressions of wonder and puzzlement on their faces, which for Teal'c was a first. Colonel O'Neill, on the other hand, just stared open-mouthed at the scene before him, before turning on his heel and walking out of the gate room, tight- lipped and staring ahead.

"It's not easy being green." said Jonas, watching him disappear from view.

"Sometimes it has advantages." came Kermit's muffled voice.

The debriefing was going from bad to worse, thought Jack. Kermit's explanation of his flight from the planet Gonzo, pursued by an army of Muffa, was clearly implausible. And yet here was Sam, his beloved Major, taking it all in, hook, line and sinker. Worse still, she kept patting his flipper as he sat beside her in the place he himself normally occupied, encouraging 'Kermie' to give more details, and smiling at him in the special way he wanted to believe had been just for her Colonel. Suddenly, Jack felt the overwhelming urge to have dinner in a French restaurant.

The final straw was when Hammond agreed to provide shelter, all in the name of human/frog diplomatic relations. And Kermit could stay in Carter's house... Jack threw his head back in exasperation and blurted out, "Hell, Carter, why don't you use my cabin and take him fishing while you're at it?! Permission to be excused, Sir!" he said as he hurried out.

Major Carter was not looking forward to another day of the frosty climate between herself and the Colonel as she returned to the SGC. If he was too childish to be able to accept her looking after one of her lifelong heroes, then that was his tough luck, she mused. However, she had to admit that Kermit, adorable though he might be to women of a certain age, was getting to be the house guest who had outstayed his welcome. The hours of singing in the bath, and his unnerving habit of jumping at flies on the window, were really getting on her nerves.

The atmosphere in the SGC felt strange as she and the Green One left the elevator. People were walking about and conversing in strangely excited tones. 'A foothold situation?' she wondered. In truth, it was more of a pawhold situation, as it turned out.

The unusual smells emanating from the commissary drew her in. Normally she would stop by to pick up coffee and fruit or a pancake to take to her lab. Today, the serving counter was covered in mountains of pies, and at the far end, large tubs of blue and orange jello.

"Vat you mean?" said the Swedish Chef's thickly accented voice from behind the pie mountain. "Pies is good any time! But OK, I can do the Smorgasbord for breakfast if you like."

"I don't want cold fish, I want ham and eggs like normal!" shouted the usually meek Sergeant Davis.

"OK, Smorgasbord pie then." replied the Chef. "It's a favourite in downtown Stockholm."

"Shove it up..!" exclaimed Davis, apoplectic with rage.

"Sergeant!" shouted Carter. "That's enough!" He stood back from the counter and then stormed out past her. Sam turned to follow him.

The craziness continued as she progressed to the lower levels. Jonas in his office, with upturned metal artefacts being used as drums by Animal. Jonas copying his frenetic style and shouting "Wazaaaa!" at Sam, before returning to their extremely loud duet.

Further down the corridor, she came across Fozzy, holding his sides as he laughed at Teal'c's runny nose joke, surely the only non-Jaffa to appreciate it. "I must write that one down." he said, much to Teal'c's delight. "This will knock them dead at the official dinner tonight!"

The bright blue glow emanating from Sam's lab was the first sign that things were seriously out of control. "Don't be such a baby!" she heard the Prof saying. "There's absolutely no harm that can come from such a simple..."

The explosion and purple smoke that drowned his words told a different story, as his assistant Beaker ran down the corridor squeaking in a continuous high-pitched tone.

".experiment." continued the Prof. "Why, Muppet Labs is even including Naquadah in home chemistry sets now." He smiled and slowly fell flat on his face.

"Weak ankles." said Kermit, unperturbed.

Hurrying on to the control room, Sam saw General Hammond standing between Waldorf and Stadtler, observing the goings on in the Gate Room, where Skeeter and Sergeant Siler were rummaging amongst the shattered pieces of iris that lay all around.

"No iris is going to stop the Pork Princess getting anywhere." said Stadtler.

"No sir. That much mass and determination is unstoppable." agreed Waldorf.

"Well, it's a good job Miss Piggy has her mind on other things now." said Hammond. "Let's hope Cupid's arrow strikes the Colonel in the same way!"

"Holy Hannah!" cried Sam. "What's that swine doing with my Jack?" She ran off towards the Colonel's quarters, coming to a stop outside the half-open door. Kermit arrived behind her seconds later. She glanced in, taking in the view of an unshaven, hollow-eyed Colonel sitting on his bed, head in hands. Beside him, Miss Piggy leaned seductively towards him, one trotter stroking his hair.

"What hurts the most is that I really loved her." Jack was saying. "But she just wanted to keep it in a room and now she's padded up with that damned frog!"

"Don't fret, my sweet!" Miss Piggy said in her suggestive way. "You have me now. I am twice the woman and five times the pig she will ever be. Jacky, dearest, look into my eyes and see the desire that I have there for you." She twisted his head round suddenly, her snout only an inch from his nose.

"Oh, Miss P," sighed Jack, "don't think that you're not the most powerful - I mean wonderful - handful of bacon that I've ever seen. It's just too soon for me to appreciate your charms fully right now, what with my heart being broken so cruelly. And I haven't used up my full quota of angst for this episode yet."

"I understand, my little intergalactic stud." said Miss P. "But don't ham it up too much, there's only so much refusal a girl can take, you know. Especially one as determined as ... moi. Kiss me, you fool!"

"Unhand my CO, you proto-sausage!" roared Sam, storming into the room, her blood boiling. "No-one ends up with Jack except me, even if it does take seven seasons and a movie!"

"Oh look! It's the queen of UST! Butt out, blondie!" snarled Piggy, throwing Jack down onto the bed and advancing towards Sam. They circled each other, hands and trotters in the karate position, one trying to deliver Level Three unarmed combat blows, the other her famous lethal Pork Chop. Swear words never heard in the men's locker room filled the air as they exchanged blows.

A crowd started to gather outside the door. "Girl fight! Girl fight!" yelled somebody.

"Pig fight! Pig fight!" yelled Kermit, who found himself sitting on the bed alongside Jack. He asked O'Neill, "Er, is she always this violent?", without taking his eyes off the spectacle.

"Only when infected with alien viruses or under the influence of symbiotes." replied Jack, similarly fascinated. "And we never let her have a P90 after she's drunk more than six beers, or if she turns up wearing funny armbands. Yours?"

"Always." said Kermit. "Truth be known, it was mainly her I was running away from. She can do the whole Goa'uld thing without a symbiote on difficult days."

"Say, you're not such a bad guy." said Jack. "Wanna come fishing some time?"

"Deal." replied Kermit. "But don't ever leave me alone with the bait. It's just too tasty."

Suddenly, a large nose entered the room, closely followed by its owner.

"Stop right now, ladies!" cried Gonzo, waving a zat gun. But the fight was too intense, so he took careful aim at the writhing duo. As he was about to fire, they rolled against him and he stumbled backwards, stunning Jack and Kermit into unconsciousness. As he fell, blue fire enveloped everyone else in the room, including himself, and some of the onlookers at the door. Relative silence, punctuated by just a few groans, fell on the scene.
Sam came back to reality in the infirmary, to find Jack holding her hand and looking concerned.

"Did you mean what you were telling Miss Piggy?" she asked.

"Ah, that." sighed Jack. "Yes, I did. She certainly is the most powerful."


"Yes, Sam, I meant all of it."

"Take me fishing, then?"

"Only if you don't molest the bait, and agree to become Mrs. O'Neill before the week is up."

"Bedtime, kids!" said Sam, shepherding them upstairs, returning a few minutes later. Jack hadn't moved, but as she came to sit beside him, she noticed that the Kermit and Miss Piggy puppets had been placed in a position that could only be described as... amorous.

"Something on your mind, my sweet?" she said, batting her eyelashes at him.

Comments? Groans? Laughs? Lawsuits? Please reply to:

Allie O'Neal feedallie@scififan.com Ted Sadler ted.sadler@ntlworld.com