Disclaimer: I don't own Enterprise or anything else I've made a mockery of here. If you are a person who doesn't like stories that know there are stories and poke fun at that fact, please leave now.

Anyone with a sense of humor should leave now, you won't like it... you still here? Okay, fine, read it, what do I care.

This is in response to a challenge on Emily and Becky's site. The challenge was;

Phrase Challenges

"Most neonatal amphibians are remarkably tiny"
"Waz up"
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
"Boxers or briefs?"
"Paper or plastic?"
"White or Wheat?"
{any phrases from the theme song}
"I'm a _______, not a _______"
"Yo Mamma so fat..." (this one from Becky)
Becky, too)
"Get your filthy paws off of me..." (this one thanks to my
friend Crystal)
"Got Milk?" (this one was Crystal, too)
"Dude, where's our shuttlecraft?" (this one an alteration
of a suggestion
from Crystal)
"Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow..."
"You did WHAT while I was gone?" (this one's Becky's)
"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!" (is
"borrowed" from Linguistics
ULTIMATE CHALLENGE: Use ALL of the phrases in one story

Well, I'm not one to turn down a challenge so I did the ultimate challenge. Yes, I am mad. This is also an entry to there first fanfiction contest.

Bonus points to anyone who spots the nod to a Star Trek series that isn't Enterprise, the mention of a fairy tale and the line that is 'borrowed' from Austin Power's.

Please read and review. Thanks to my beta 'HopefulNeubla' as always.


~Writers Block~


The Enterprise drifted along at a slow pace. On the bridge Archer sat on his captains chair, gazing with utter boredom at the empty space in front of him.

"Is there nothing on the sensors T'Pol?"he asked, a hint of desperation in his voice. "Not even a floating rock?"

"As I stated five minutes ago and five minutes before that there is nothing on our sensors for light years." T'Pol said. "I will inform you when our sensors pick up anything."

Archer drummed his fingers on his arm rest, a slight frown on his face. The frown deepened as Commander Tucker entered the bridge and wandered over to Malcolm Reed's station.

"Is there noth-" Archer began. T'Pol interrupted him.

"NO Captain, there is nothing out there." T'Pol yelled. Archer shut his mouth and shifted his gaze over to Trip.

"Trip, don't you think this is a little... odd?" he asked. Trip looked at him, his blue eyes wide.

"I know what you mean Cap'n it is a little bit odd... shouldn't we have run into something by now?"

"I for one, am thankful that Sethoz isn't dragging us into another crazy and often Trip-harming story" Hoshi said smugly. Archer groaned.

"Hoshi! What have I told you!" he barked. "WE DON'T KNOW ABOUT THE EVIL ONE!" Hoshi's mouth formed a perfect "O" then she mouthed the word 'sorry'. Malcolm cleared his throat.

"Permission to speak freely sir." he said with a salute. Archer nodded.


"All pretense aside sir, don't you think we should have run into Sethoz by now? It's been weeks!" Malcolm said. "If we don't run into her soon then we'll never have an adventure, you'll never get a chance to show how great you are and..." He gave a sniff as his eyes filled with water. "I'll never get to use my weapons!"

"Humm... you have something there... with the me being great. We'll have to contact her. But how?"

"I know!" piped up Travis Mayweather. "Malcolm and I can summon her!"

"Uh, Cap-" Trip began. Archer waved him away.

"Not now Trip. Okay Travis, do it." Travis nodded with a bright smile and rushed out of the bridge, closely followed by Malcolm.

"Cap'n, I know ho-" Trip began again. Again Archer waved him away.

"I said not now Trip."

At that moment Travis and Malcolm entered the bridge again. The rest of the bridge crew simply stared in fear as the two men made their way to the center of the bridge. They had grass skirts on and both had no top on. They began to chat in a low voice and do a sort of dance. The chanting sped up and became faster and louder as the dance became more vigorous. With a final yell the dance was brought to its climax as Malcolm threw a handful of dust into the air, creating a flash, followed by purple smoke. The crew waited with breathless anticipation as the smoke slowly settled. Archer, ever so slowly turned his chair towards Travis and Malcolm.

"It didn't work, did it Travis." He said, his voice quiet.

"No sir."

"You just made a fool out of Malcolm and yourself for nothing, didn't you." Archer went on.

"Yes sir."

While all this was going on Trip had walked over to T'Pol's station and unlocked an almost invisible compartment in it. He pulled out a small device and walked away from everyone. When he was an arm length apart from any other member of the crew he brought the strange device to his lips. A few seconds later he crossed over to where Archer was talking to Travis.

"She's on her way." he said glumly. Archer's mouth fell open.

"How do you know?" he asked. Travis chimed in.

"Did the summoning spell work then? He asked, sounding like a little kid who had been told Santa was real.

"Umm... no, not really. I called her." he said, holding up the device which was a communcator.

"Oh." Travis asked, sounding like a kid who had then been laughed at and told Santa wasn't real after all.

At that moment the doors to the bridge swung open and Sethoz stormed in, wearing Jedi robes.

"Well?" She demanded, her voice tight with anger. "This had better be good, I was busy stalking Obi-Wan Kenobi from Episode 1, disguised as a Jedi!"

"Right. That's nice..." Archer began. "Well the others and I were wondering..." he trailed off. Sethoz raised an eyebrow, her left foot tapping slowly on the floor.

"Others?" she asked sweetly. "What others?"

Archer spun his chair around. Everyone on the bridge had their heads bent over their desks or looking anywhere but in Sethoz and Archer's direction.

"whyhaveyoustoppedwritingstories?" Archer blabbed out. Sethoz frowned, then gasped, her right arm pointing over Archer's head.

"Oh! A giant seagull has just landed over there!" she yelled. Archer spun around. There stood... well nothing.

"Don't be silly, there's... where is she?" he asked. Sethoz had gone, a trail of cartoon-like smoke the only indication she had ever been there. Malcolm followed the trail with his eyes and saw a ripped bit of paper which looked like it had been torn from a book.

"Look Captain! It could be a clue!" He bounded over and picked the paper up. Music from Scooby Doo began to blare out from invisible speakers. The crew looked around aimlessly. Archer shrugged his shoulders as the music faded away.

"What is it Malcolm?" he asked.

"It's... an article on Writers Block." He stammered. A un-named crewman jumped up and shouted out;

"Dum, Dum, DUM!" then sat down again. Archer cleared his throat.

"Right. Well, Sethoz seems to be suffering from writers block so we better find a cure!"

"Umm... sir? Are you sure about this? I mean you're talking about curing Sethoz which means she'll write more nasty stories about us." whined Hoshi. There was a short pause as that thought slowly sank in. Then everyone simply forgot it as the thought was too confusing.

"Right Cap'n, so we find a cure... how?" Trip asked. Archer struck a pose and thought.

"... I know! We'll ask the doctor!" he ordered before walking off the bridge and promptly falling down a pair of stairs that had mysteriously appeared then disappeared.

"oww... a little help?" he asked weakly. T'Pol gave an almost silent sigh and helped him up.


The two walked towards sickbay, Trip a few paces behind them. As they neared the doors of sickbay a few words came floating out.

"... and he was all like "tell me!" and I'm like "ohh, I'm soooo scared"... then he pulled out a feather which made it less fun..."

"That doesn't sound like Phlox." Trip remarked, the color draining away from his face.

"It sounds like... Sethoz!" Archer said, the color rushing to his face. Trip sighed and nodded.

"Yes... it does." he said dully. Archer gave Trip a big smirk.

"What's the matter Trip? Sethoz likes you."

"In Sethoz's case that's not a good thing." Trip answered. At that, they entered sickbay. Sethoz looked up in shock, her eyes wide.

"Darn it! I thought I was safe here, after all who visits a sickbay when there not ill?" she muttered. Dr. Phlox walked up to the group a big, if slightly pained smile on his face.

"Captain. Commander. Sub-Commander. How good to see you." he said. Sethoz jumped down from the bed she had been sitting on and gave them a small smile.


"Sethoz." Archer began grandly. "Don't despair! We will find a cure for writers block and save you! It is our gift, it is our curse."

"Uh-Huh. And you joined the crazy brigade when?" she asked.

"We know you have writers block Sethoz." Trip said. Sethoz sighed.

"Oh. Right, that. There's no cure for writers block." she shrugged her shoulders. "It just comes and goes. What I need is... inspiration." she finished with a grin, her eyes fixed on Trip. He squirmed under her gaze.

Trip was saved by a sudden ringing noise. Archer looked round in confusion, un-able to locate the source of the sound. Sethoz gave a gasp and reached inside her robe, pulling out a phone.

"Hello?" She said. Her face lit up as a voice yelled down.


"WASSSUUUUUUPPPP!" Sethoz screamed back down the phone. She looked round and waved to Malcolm who had inexplicably appeared.

"Yo, Malcolm, pick up the phone!" She called. Malcolm looked at her in confusion.

"I could have sworn I was on the bridge a second ago." He muttered to no one in particular as he picked up the black phone which had appeared by him.


"WAAASSSUUUPPPP!" A voice screamed. Malcolm stood very still and carefully cleared his throat.

"waz up..." he said slowly. There was a stunned silence from the phone, then a dialing tone. Sethoz slammed her phone down and glared at Malcolm.

"Look what you did! Now she's gone and I wanted to talk to her..." she sulked. Archer gave a cough to indicate he had something to say.

"Okay, let's get back on track shall we? Phlox can you help her?"

"I'm a doctor, not a miracle worker." Phlox said, his attention fixed on one of his many pets. Trip frowned vaguely at Dr. Phlox.

"Why do I get the feeling space is going to hear a lot of things like that... and why do I want to shout 'The real McCoy?'."

At that moment a blast hit Enterprise, sending everyone flying. Trip, Archer and Malcolm all crashed into the side of a bed. T'Pol however smashed into the side of a bird cage. For a few tense seconds the cage balanced on the edge. Then in slow motion it toppled over and hit the ground with a dull thud. A small yellow bird pushed its way out of the ruined cage and peered around.

"THE SKY IS FALLING, THE SKY IS FALLING!" It screamed. Sethoz glanced around and saw that everyone was busy staring at the bird, so she slipped out of sickbay and set off for the mess hall.

Back in sickbay everyone was still staring at the bird which rushed off in search of the king and other animals to tell them that the sky was falling.

"I believe Sethoz has gone again." T'Pol stated. Malcolm sighed.

"We can see that, why did you have to tell us? Wanted to appear clever or something?" He snapped. T'Pol fixed him with an icy glare.

"I haven't said anything in a while. I was just reminding everyone I was here." She said calmly.

Meanwhile in the mess hall...

"Come on, guess, Why did the chicken cross the road? Oh come on, take a wild improbable guess." Liz Cutler asked. Her plate of pasta remained silent. She gave a grunt and pushed the plate away, muttering about nasty pasta. She watched as Sethoz entered the room, wandered over to the food and walked slap bang into an un-named crewman.

"Hey, why don't you watch where you are going, eh?" He asked in a strong Italian accent.

"Yo Mamma" Sethoz muttered. The crewman began to spit with rage.

"Yo Mamma so fat..." he yelled.

"My Mamma?" Sethoz asked. At the crewman's smug smile and nod she carried on.

"No, yo Mamma so fat. And yo uncle so fat." She yelled. The crewman went red. "And your neighbor's goat!"

"Now, you offend me." he said, his face a bright red.

"Bring it on!"


When Archer, Trip and Hoshi entered the mess room ten minutes later it was too find the room in complete panic. All the tables had been flipped on there sides, with crewmembers huddled behind them for protection. The reason for this disturbance was all too plain. In the middle of the room Sethoz and the Italian Crewmember were fighting, each having the other in a sort of head lock. There was food all over the place and all over everyone. Archer walked forward towards the fighting couple when he fell down a hole which had suddenly appeared in the floor. The fighting stopped as Sethoz, Hoshi and Trip all walked over to the hole.

"What's this?" Hoshi asked.

"It's a plot hole." Sethoz replied, in a matter of fact tone of voice. "T'Pol and Malcolm were in sickbay and you were on the bridge when suddenly it's the other way round. Also there was the blast which has been ignored, now it has severed its purpose."

"Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!"

"So how's your Writer's Block?" Hoshi asked, ignoring the Captain's pleas for help.

"Still there." Sethoz answered. She looked out of the window and noticed a Suilban ship. "You know what's funny?" She said as she stared at the ship which simply hung there. "There is no mention of the Suilban in a hundred years. Funny that."

"Hello? This is your Captain specking... hello? Anyone?"

"You've been to the future? What's it like?" Hoshi said. Sethoz smiled.

"Well, people live for over 200 years, Vulcans have emotions and the whole world is ruled by damn dirty apes!" Hoshi gaped in amazement until Sethoz began to laugh.

"Had you there! Now Trip, there are some questions I wanted to ask you." She said, smoothly turning towards the blond Commander who silently cursed. With one fluid monition she pulled out a pad and pen from her blue velvet bag.

"OK, first question; Paper or plastic?"

"What sort of question is that? Umm... plastic." Trip answered. Sethoz nodded and scribbled away in her pad.

"Next; White or Wheat?"

"Why do I have a feeling there's some sort of ulterior motive behind these seemingly inane and harmless questions? White."

"OK; Boxers or briefs?" she asked, trying to sound as innocent as possible. Trip's eyes widened.

"Oh, so that's your game is it?" He roared. Sethoz blinked at him.

"I don't know what you mean." She said. Trip marched over to her and took the pad out of her hands.

"Let's see what you've got written down for your newest story... humm.. 'Most neonatal amphibians are remarkably tiny.' What?"

"I thought it would make a good start." She said, with a shrug of her shoulders. "I'd like to see you do any better." She challenged. Trip raised an eyebrow and looked at the pad in his hands.

"Okay, I'll do it." he said and began to tap Sethoz's pen, thinking hard.

"Hello? HELLO! I'm in a lot of pain here, could someone please help me!" Came a weak voice from the plot hole. Everyone ignored it.

"Suliban ship!" Screamed Hoshi, noticing the silent ship for the first time.

"Wh-why isn't is attacking?" She asked in a confused tone
of voice. Trip put the pad down and walked over to the window. He stared at the still
Suliban ship for a few moments.

"It's painted." He said finally. Hoshi's mouth fell open.

"What?" she asked, slowly moving towards Trip and the ship.

"I said it's painted. You see someone added the scary ship scenery but forgot to tell us." he grumbled before walked back over to his seat, sitting in it and picking the pad back up.

5 Hours Later...

"I've finished!" Trip announced, throwing the pad down on the table. Sethoz picked it and flipped the pages back to the start of Trip's story. She began to read it, her lips pressed firmly together. About half way down the first page she burst into hysterical laughter.

"I can't believe one of the characters says 'I've got faith of the heart.' I mean, it's just so funny." she giggled, before dissolving back into fit's of hysterical laughter. Trip looked over at Hoshi, who looked back, then looked over at Sethoz who was now on the floor, trying to breath between her fits of laughter.

"You don't get it do you?" she wheezed. "It's a line from a s-song..." was all she managed before laughing again.

"Is there anyone out there?" Archer asked. Trip looked up, hearing him for the first time. He rushed over to the plot hole and held out his arm.

"Grab on Cap'n," he called. After a few minutes of grunting and curses from Trip, he had managed to pull Archer out of the hole.

"Got Milk?" Hoshi asked.

"What?" Trip and Archer said at the same time. She held up a small black furry creature.

"I found this cat." She said. The room went deadly quiet as they stared in horror at the bundle of fur in her hands.

"That's not a cat... it's a-" Trip began. Sethoz snatched the creature out of Hoshi's arms and threw it up in the air.

"Uh to Mah." It said, before vanishing in a puff of green smoke. Sethoz glared at Trip.

"You did not see that. Sorry Hoshi, it's from a different story."

Wasn't that-" Trip started. Sethoz jumped in.

"Writers Block cured!" She said with a smile. "Thanks guys, it's been real fun. See you all later." She walked off, towards the window.

"Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow..." She sang, before fading slowly away. Archer looked around the war zone that was the mess hall.

"Let's go to the bridge, we might have something to do now." He ordered. The three left the room, leaving the Italian and Cutler to clean up.

"His Mamma so fat..." the Italian muttered.


A little way away Archer, Trip and Hoshi were met by Malcolm.

"Dude!" Trip called. Malcolm gave him a thumb up.

"Dude!" He answered. "Captain dude, there's something wrong with the docking bay. Wanna all come look?"

"Sure, whatever." Archer answered. They set off towards the bay, Malcolm telling them everything that had had happened on the bridge.

"... T'Pol said that there's a planet on sensors that looks interesting. Can't wait to see what's down there." Malcolm finished as they reached the bay. The doors opened and they stepped inside.

"Dude, where's our shuttlecraft?" Trip asked. In the space where shuttlepod one was usually docked, was... an empty space.

"Dude!" Malcolm yelled, pointing at the window. There was the shuttlecraft, being flown at a fast speed (Oh, warp 2 at least!) and weaving back and forth around space.

"I can't believe it." Hoshi said.

"Someone is joy riding shuttlepod one! My shuttle." groaned Trip. "My beautiful shuttle. The paint's going to get ruined!"

"Look out!" Archer called. "It's coming back in." Trip, Malcolm, Hoshi and Archer all dived to one side and hid behind helpful placed barrels.

"I bet it's Travis Mayweather." Hissed Hoshi. Malcolm nodded in agreement.

"Me too, it has to be him."

The shuttlecraft landed gently in the middle of the bay. Slowly the doors slid open and out climbed-

"T'Pol?" Archer exclaimed in shock. There stood the Vulcan, the only occupant of the craft and therefore the joy rider. She looked at them all emotionlessly as they stepped up to her. It was only when they were about five feet away when she moved. In three steps she was in front of Trip.

"I am sorry Commander, for riding your craft." She rested her hand on his should as a gesture of good will. Trip stared at her.

"Get your filthy paws off of me, you Shuttlecraft stealer, joy rider... Vulcan," he finished. Archer clapped his hands together, a big smile on his face, totally oblivious to the tension around him.

"Well, now that's sorted and we're all friends, let's go back to the bridge and start an adventure."

As they were nearing the doors to the bridge, Archer leaned over to Trip and whispered in his ear.

"You know, if this was a story, this would be a perfect place to end it." Trip gave a nod. The doors to the bridge swung open and to everyone's amazement, flowers came floating out. The group ventured into the bridge, seeing flowers everywhere. In the middle of the flowers and 'hippy music' was Travis, eyes closed, humming along.

"What in the blazes is going on?" roared Archer.Travis scrambled to his feet.

"Flower power! I got bored so I deiced to do some redecorating."

"You did WHAT while I was gone?" he screamed, looking as if he was about to have a heart attack. Travis carried on, blissfully unknowing of the state the Captain was in.

"Wait till you see your ready room Captain, pink is such a lovely color."

"You know what, Captain?" Trip said hastily. "This is a good place to end this story."

~The End~

There you have it, random insanity from my brain at 2am. Though now, my writers block is cured! Back to 'Call of Steel' and other Enterprise Fic's.

Please, please read and review.