Disclaimer : I own nothing at all. And yes, this fic is terribly OOC. And you know what? I'm glad. :-p


Chapter 1 : A horrible, yet irritating, surprise

Hermione felt very very queasy all of a sudden. She dropped the pregnancy test and fell rather unceremoniously backwards on her arse in the girl's toilets.

This was extremely bad. She was pregnant.

She racked her brains to remember when this could have happened.


Now she remembered.

Her mind was cast back to a particularly debauched night involving most of the 7th year in the grounds of the school. Much alcohol had flowed, many people had gotten horribly drunk and the majority had ended up being very violantly sick in one place or another. Most of the 7th year had woken up the next morning ( or afternoon in some cases ) feeling like a bear with a sore head - or a sore arse. Take your pick.

Either way, more alcohol than is normal was smuggled into the school, via Ron Weasley's brothers who had left Hogwarts two years earlier and at the mere mention of the words ''gratuitious booze'' there was a mad stampede of 17 year olds.

Within two hours, only a handfull of people could stand without aid. And those that could stand were only standing because they were being very, very ill.

Hermione remembered being in a comprimising situation with a blond boy with a very irritating accent - the kind of boy that said things like ''Someone call the butler - I'm running low on Martini,'' and ''Get out of my way, you pointless peasant.''

She shuddered at the memory. It was one she'd tried rather hard to supress.

The boy with the irritating accent and political incorrectness was none other than Draco Malfoy.

''Oh for God's sake,''Hermione muttered. She felt more irritated than worried now. Of all people that had to get her up the duff she had to choose Draco bloody Malfoy. She'd almost wished it had been Neville.

No - wait. Too far.

So... she had had drunken unprotected sex with someone who would have gladly seen her shot and now she was pregnant with his child. Well... you could say that at least the start of the day had been interesting.

Interesting in the sense of it being not interesting at all - more petrifying, humiliating and generally extremely worrying.

All of a sudden, after taking all this information in, it seemed a great chore to convince herself to get up off the floor.

''Maybe I'll just lie here for a while and it'll all just dissapear,''Hermione said to herself. She thought about it. ''Perhaps not.''

With much effort, Hermione picked herself up off the floor and walked out of the toilet like a zombie. She headed up to Gryffindor Tower. Her first instinct was to find someone to shriek like a banshee to, so obviously she thought of Harry, seeing as he was no stranger to the odd and melodramatic. She ran at full pelt up the stairs to Harry's dorm and beat the door wildly with her fists.


''What now?''

''No, in an hour. Yes now!''

Harry opened the door, looking rather suspicious

''Do you mind?'' he said. ''I was in the middle of a wank.''

There was a painful moment of silence and then Hermione elbowed him roughly out of the way then burst into a fit of extremely noisy tears, in what was an very unnattractive manner.

''What's the matter, Herm?''said Harry worridly, whilst rubbing the place where Hermione had elbowed him


Harry blinked. ''I'm sorry . . .but what?''

Hermione clucked a little, then cleared her throat and said ''I'm pregnant.''

Harry then chose to pass out, whilst making a noise that can only be described as ''Mwahi''.

Hermione scowled at Harry's unconcious form. ''Oh what a great help you turned out to be, Harry Sodding Potter.''

She started to boot him in the side until he realised that playing dead wasn't going to work in this particular situation. With much reluctance, Harry got to his feet. His legs then took it upon themselves to say ''Hang on a second - we don't feel like standing up'' and Harry fell arse over tit back onto the floor.

''My Christ, that hurt . . '' Harry moaned sitting up, clutching his newly-bruised arse.

''I don't care,''said Hermione dully, staring into space.

Harry blinked afew more times. He tried vainly to remember the drunken debauched night of afew weeks ago. Nothing came. All he knew was that Ron had gotten pictures of Harry dancing topless singing Led Zeppelin's ''Whole Lotta Love'' at the top of his voice. The pictures had been truly atrocious, considering that Harry wasn't the most muscular of all people and he'd had some kind of vomit-like substance in his hair.

The next morning Harry had woken up smelling of vom. It had not been pleasent.

Plus the fact that he could remember sod all destroyed the bonus of inventing excuses to rectify his drunken behavior.

''Oh dear...,''Harry said. ''Tell me you're making this pregnancy thing up as a very disturbing and highly unfunny joke.''

Hermione shook her head, and looked like she was about to cry again.

(( Please don't let me be the father . . .)) Harry thought desperately.

''So, umm... yes, Hermione,'' said Harry, trying to sound casual and dismissive, as if talking about the weather. ''Any idea who the father is?''

Hermione raised her head and looked Harry right in the eyes.

She took a deep breath, so deep that the air became noticably thinner and things flew off the walls.

''It's Draco Malfoy.''

Harry's shrill, girlish scream was heard throughout the castle, followed by a thump as Harry's head hit the floor.

In a sense, Draco being the father made the situation remarkably worse, if that was really possible. Then came the noise of Hermione giving Harry a swift kick in the ribs.

''Get up, you stupid bastard,''she snapped. ''I need you here!''

Harry came round and got very slowly and shakily to his feet. He looked at Hermione with an unreadable expression, then headed to the window, where he started to climb out, ready to kill himself.

''Oh bloody hell, Harry,''cried Hermione, hands on hips. ''Don't be so stupid.''

''I refuse to live in a world where Draco Malfoy is allowed to breed,''said Harry, evenly. ''I'm sure many people feel the same way and will join me in a mass suicide.''

Hermione dragged Harry from the window and sat him down. ''Please Harry,''she begged. ''Will you help me tell him?''

Harry headed back to the window.

''I'm being serious, Harry!''Hermione cried. She started to cry and Harry felt bad. He turned half-around, as one of his legs was dangling out of the window. He looked at Hermione's miserable face and felt his stomach lurch unpleasantely. He hated seeing her looking so unhappy.

''Ok, Herm,'' he said. ''I'll help you.'' He sighed. ''Who else knows? Does Ron know?''

Hermione shook her head.

Harry shook his head. ''Now, if there's someone who isn't going to be singing and dancing about this, then it's going to be Ron, hands down. Don't expect flowers and big shouts of congratulations from him. Expect a chainsaw and a cheesegrater.''

Hermione smiled wryly. ''I know that he's going to be pissed off, Harry,''she said. ''But Ron's not who I'm worrying about right now.''

Harry nodded. ''I guess. So when do you want to go find Mr Malfoy Happypants?''

Hermione shrugged. ''Now would be a good time,''she said.

Harry gave a nod, looked wistfully at the window one more time and headed out the door with Hermione.

''Oh this is going to be shits and giggles... '' said Harry sarcastically, a look of doom in his eyes. ''Shits and bloody giggles.''

Well, chapter 2 should be up soon. With any luck, this will improve.

Luv Lux