Am I a Monster?

A/N: This random rambling was inspired by a walk at dusk through a cemetary. I own nothing but my own thoughts.



Oh, God, such a grey day, and they buried my wife not half an hour ago. Just put her in the dirt, like they were planting a damn seed, with all the false cheer of...

May they go to hell with their unfeeling talk.

Oh, I'm so angry at them. Am I a monster for wishing them ill?

The November breeze is cool, even through my coat. It's a reminder; everything must die, even the seasons. And here I sit in the charnal house, where death whispers everywhere. Were my sense of smell sharp enough, I could catch the scent of decaying bodies and mouldering bones...and it's this way that everything must end. This is my lesson; all that lives must die.

Am I a monster for dwelling on it?

I would have joined Emily in the dust, too, a thousand times if I could...if there weren't one intevening factor. My son. Oh, he always looks so innocent, smiling up at me, at whoever holds him, not knowing the demons in my past. He doesn't know his legacy, good or bad. Emily was the good. She was the only good thing in my life, and the only thing my son will ever have of her is a few old photographs and a vague feeling of something missing.

I was an idiot to ever fall in love. An idiot to make myself so vulnerable.

And that's part of Harry's legacy, too...

When I was a child, I was beaten for crying at my mother's funeral.

Am I, then, a monster for not crying at my wife's grave?

I want to cry. The release of tears would be very welcome to me right now; yet, somehow, I can't.

I haven't cried in years.

Oh, my son cries; he cries when he's hungry, when he's tired, when something in his environment isn't to his liking. I almost wish I could go back to that stage of life.

But the very concept of that kind of helplessness is anathema to me.

Something dark and cheerless wends its way through my heart; a familiar demon, but I can't -- or won't -- place it.

Maybe it's lost innocence.

I could almost hate my son for his innocence, when I lost mine a long, long time ago.

Am I a monster for saying so?