Earth to Phibrizzo, Come In
Author: G. A. Curtis Wildcat

Writer's note: I wonder what Sigmund Freud would make of this one.


How he got here, he didn't know. What he was doing in this modernized
world, he had no idea.

What he was doing ALIVE, he had no clue; he was sure that the Lord
of Nightmares had vaporized him completely.

All he knew, as he sighted the overweight kid and his wild-haired
companion walking into a rather large high school, was that he was
going to have some fun with them.

"It's time for me to have a party," Phibrizzo said to himself, grinning
until it appeared that his face would split. A new set of clothes
materialized around him in order to match the current era, and
he cracked his knuckles eagerly. "And those two are invited!"

There was a hissing noise as he phased out, and the rest was silence.


"I only wish I knew what Wildcat was thinking when he sent me here,"
Carlos Cosmos muttered to himself, smoothing out a wrinkle in his orange
T-shirt. "Why in the world did I wind up stuck with YOU?"

"Hey; whatever he says, goes," said the fat kid as they passed through the
doors to the school. "If he wants me to take a tour of this high school,
who am I to argue with him?"

Carlos just sighed. "Well, no thanks to my friend and commander, I'm
responsible for YOUR protection. I mean, if something happens to you,
I'M going to have to explain to your--I mean, Wildcat's parents--what
happened to their youngest son." He smoothed some of his spikey hair out
of his eyes.

"Don't worry about me," the kid asked. He stopped walking when he approached
a vending machine, then fumbled around in his pockets for loose change. "I
mean, no one's been able to trace Wildcat's DNA to me yet. No one but those
that live at your Headquarters knows me as a clone."

"Well, there's a first time for everything," Carlos growled quietly, his
brown-furred tail waving. "Maybe one of these days you can stop having
between-meal snacks, huh?"

The kid ignored him for a moment as he found the right combination of
change. Putting the change in the machine and obtaining some Skittles, he
turned back to Carlos. "Not really. Besides, I haven't eaten anything
since lunch."

Carlos nearly facefaulted at that. "Personally, Curtis, I've never
seen ANYONE go through a whole box of macaroni & cheese as quick as you."

"Oh, shut up," the kid muttered. "Let's just look around here and--"

"DUCK!" Carlos shouted, shoving Curtis to the floor and following suit a
second later.

"Carlos, what's the deal---AAGH!" Curtis began to say, but then cut himself
off when he noticed what had frightened Carlos....

It was a massive ball of black fire. It blazed over Curtis and Carlos's
heads before detonating against the wall. Somehow, though, the wall managed
to deflect the massive flame, leaving it relatively undamaged.

The both of them slowly turned their heads behind them to see what had
attacked them, but all they saw was the fading visage of a black-haired
boy with a purple T-shirt and dark jeans--to Curtis, he was no one to fear.

"Carlos?" Curtis asked quietly. "Who was he, and why are you shaking like

"Y-You don't g-get out m-much, d-do you?" Carlos groaned, his teeth
chattering out of fright. "You d-didn't recognize that kid? He's
n-none other than Hellmaster P-Phibrizzo!"

"Phibrizzo?" Curtis asked, blinking. "Wasn't he that one character out of
that `Slayers' anime? That stuff's not real."

"Not convinced?" a mocking voice exclaimed. The owner of the voice---
the black-haired kid that Curtis saw earlier---fully materialized. "Here.
Let me get your mental house on fire!" He reached up and summoned
another large ball of flame, flinging it at the twosome. He laughed maniacally
as they dodged the attack, then phased out again.

"Carlos, I just have one question: do all monsters like imitating that
'Weakest Link' host?" Curtis asked.

"Only if they're complete lunatics," Carlos growled. "I have an idea. To
the gymnasium--quickly!" He pulled himself to his feet, grunting as he
dragged Curtis with him. "You know, you really ought to lose some weight."

"I can run MYSELF, thanks," Curtis retorted, pulling his arm free of
Carlos's grip. The two them raced towards the gym.


"Those two aren't even worth the effort," Phibrizzo chuckled as he
continually chucked fire in their direction. "A fat kid and a feline
with an attitude. Why do I even bother?"

His quarry turned a corner and ran through a door. Naturally, Phibrizzo
followed. "Not like they're going to be able to do anythi---"

"DODGEBALL TIME!" he heard Carlos shout. Turning his head slightly, he
panicked and phased out a split second as a volleyball shot past him.

Phibrizzo rematerialized in the bleachers. "Hey, fool, you missed me---"


The monster went spiralling through the air, but caught himself before he
impacted against the currently-folded barrier that, went activated, would
divide the gym in half. He rubbed the side of his head where the volleyball
had hit him, glaring down at Curtis. "That was a cheap shot!"

"You're one to talk," Curtis shot back. "You can't even play by your own

"Things were fun before, but now we're playing for keeps," Phibrizzo
threatened, jumping off the bleachers and phasing out.

Curtis pounded the bleachers in frustration. "I hate it when he does that!"

"Do you hear me arguing?" Carlos muttered. "Let's try the locker room."

"We don't have to find HIM," Curtis moaned. "Why can't we just wait for him
to show up again?"

"For one, he won't fall for the same trick twice," Carlos explained as they
walked into the guy's locker room---which, as expected on a Saturday, was
empty. "For another, we need to prove that the two of us aren't pushovers."

"Don't think you're pushovers, huh?" Phibrizzo chimed as he materialized
on top of a locker. "Push over THIS!" Leaping against the wall and
pushing as hard as he could with his feet, he managed to wrench the
locker free from its base and shove it at the surprised duo.

"Duck!" Carlos yelled, pushing Curtis out of the way again and watching the
locker crash to the floor. Racing forward at maximum speed,
he shoulder-blocked Phibrizzo to the wall, keeping him pinned using
himself for leverage.

To his surprise, though, the monster just smiled in response to the
supposed pain. "Any other ideas, porcupine-head? I don't bruise very
easily, you know. Sure, it hurts; but then again, I'm not human."

"You could try your little disintegration pistol," Curtis pointed out to Carlos.
"One beam from that and BOOM!---he's history."

"Uh, technically, he has TWO forms, not one," Carlos reminded him. "If
I blasted him with it, he could just phase out and be back in less than an
hour, good as new." He stared at Phibrizzo's attire. "Besides, can't
afford to let good clothing go to waste. Normally, you'd have to pay
top-notch dollars for something like this."

Phibrizzo tapped his foot impatiently. "Are you done speaking yet? The
game's not over---eh, what am I doing? GET OFF, IDIOT!"

The force of Phibrizzo's shout caused Carlos to move backwards
reflexively---not more than a few inches, but enough for the monster to
make another escape. "How could a monster that old be so childlike
in mentality?" Carlos hissed.

"Hey; monkey saw reflection in pond, monkey decide to play the part
of reflection," Curtis said, shrugging his shoulders.

"What does THAT mean?"

"Haven't got a clue." Curtis's eyes narrowed as the words "childlike in
mentality" struck a chord in his mind..."I think I have something that
will work. Carlos, call for him."

"Okay. Where'd Phibrizzo disappear to, anyway?" Carlos asked. He turned
towards the hallway door. "HEY, PHIBBY! COME BACK HERE SO

Phibrizzo once again spoke from a distance; this time, he sounded slightly
annoyed at being called by his nickname. "Look, I'd prefer to play with you,
not to be insulted by you. Bring it on, kids! Let's see what you've got!"

Curtis turned to Carlos and motioned for him to get close to his face. When
he did, he whispered something into the Mexican humanoid-cat's ear.

Curtis didn't think that he had ever seen Carlos become more evil in his
entire life.


Phibrizzo sat on top of a basketball backboard, waiting impatiently for his
quarry to return to the gymnasium. What was taking those idiots so long?

Finally, the two of them re-entered the gym; he noted that Curtis was
dribbling a basketball. After a minute, they completely ignored Phibrizzo
and commenced a game of H-O-R-S-E. Needless to say, this infuriated
the monster; how dare his prey ignore him! "I'm over here, you fools!" he
shouted. "You must either be blind, deaf, stupid, or all three at once!"

Carlos ignored him, shooting and making a basket from half-court. He
turned to a suprised Curtis, simply saying: "Your turn."

"UP HERE!" Phibrizzo screamed.

No response.

Madder than a swarm of bumblebees, Phibrizzo sumersaulted off the
backboard, leaped the full length of the court, and nearly landed on Curtis's
head---but when he missed, he slipped and fell on a couple of neatly-placed
Skittles that the kid's snack attack had left behind. This gave enough time
for Curtis and Carlos to abruptly spin around and tackle him to the floor,
restraining him.

Now, normally Phibrizzo would've had no trouble throwing the two of
them off. However, ever since the day that a dimension-traveling Joker
had inadvertantly trapped him in a child's form, a full-fledged nervous system
had been given time to develop. Carlos's claws had managed to pinch
those nerves, effectively paralyzing him.

Phibrizzo wasn't worried....yet. He had been in tighter situations than this,
and had managed to escape with his life...more or less, anyway. Compared to
Lina Inverse, these two were the scum of both races put together.

It was when Carlos produced two large feathers out of his shirt pocket that
Phibrizzo started to sweat bullets. If the cat was going to do what Phibby
thought he was going to do....


It was an hour or so later that Curtis and Carlos were walking calmly down
one of the school's long hallways back into the boy's locker room, which was
a total mess from the attack earlier. They stood there for a while, taking in
the damage, then walked around the school some more. "This really does
look like a neat place," Carlos was in the middle of saying.

Curtis interrupted him. "Where'd Phibrizzo go, anyway? When you took
those feathers out and began torturing him like that, he went crazy and
teleported out--this time without coming back!"

Carlos shrugged. "You got me there. I'm just glad that we'll be going home
before too long..."

And it wasn't long before the sights in front of Curtis's eyes began to swirl
and darken in color.


Curtis shot up straight in bed, gasping for air. Managing to collect himself,
he stared across the room at his alarm clock. "4:45a.m.," he murmured
thoughtfully. "Now THAT was strange. Curtis meets Phibby...classic

Assuring himself that he was home where he belonged, he decided to catch
another hour's worth of sleep. As he blacked out again, he added: "Maybe
I should write that dream down, or something."


Across dimensions, Phibrizzo snapped awake as well, having had a very
similar dream. The images of the overweight kid and the brown-furred cat
slowly faded from his mind. "I'm convinced," he said to himself as he
stared out the window towards the nighttime sky. "That dream was pretty
bizarre, even by MY standards."

A thought occured to him, causing him to smile. "Well, at least now I
know what my two new monsters are going to be like," he intoned. "This time,
I can ensure that these two won't be defeated easily like they were 1000
years ago!"

Summoning forth his full power and concentrating heavily, he
caused two forms, much like the ones he had faced in his dream, to
spontaneously materialize before him. Once the process was completed,
he sat back down on the bed to recover his energy. "Kurthish and Kharlosa,
know that I am your master. You will do whatever I say, whenever I say it.
Otherwise, you're history. Is that understood?" he managed to say,

Kurthish, the one that Phibby had named the chubby, humanoid monster,
shrugged. "Sure. It's not like we have anything else to do, Boss
Phibrizzo," he said casually.

Phibrizzo smiled, his breathing returning to normal. "Good. At the
moment, I'm a bit tired, so you guys go do whatever you want. I'll go over
your various powers tomorrow evening once both my forms have recovered."

"Okay. I just have one question, amigo," the catlike Kharlosa stated.

"What is it?" Phibrizzo asked, starting to climb back into bed.

"You wouldn't happen to be ticklish, would ya?"


Final notes

That dream outlined in the first 3/4s of the document? I really did have it
just a couple of nights ago. Outside of all the dialogue---the dream was
mostly action---I had a nightmare that involved me being chased
around a school by Phibrizzo. The only other difference is that I had Goku
with me instead of Carlos Cosmos (who, coincidentally, is my own creation), but
that's another story.

Have any of you ever had dreams where you met your favorite anime
characters face to face? If you have, then you've watched too much anime.
*grins* Just kidding.

For those that are reading my "This is Weird!" series, don't worry; I'll be
back as soon as I can overcome a serious case of writer's block. I wanted
to be able to write this little story down before I forgot about it.
Curtis Wildcat