Summary: With the Professor, Storm, and Beast out of the house, Wolverine is in charge of providing breakfast for a mansion of teenage mutants. But is he up for the job? If it gets good reviews I'll write a short sequel. Rated PG mild language.

Breakfast at the Mansion

Wolverine walked into the kitchen and was met with a note on the refrigerator. He was hoping for a quick beer and then a trip up to Canada to tie up some loose ends and end some unfinished business, but as he read the note he realized that that wasn't going to happen today.

"Logan -

Went to recruit another student in Lichtenstein. Took Storm, Beast, Jean, and Scott with me. Not sure where Lichtenstein is. We might take a while. Buy breakfast food for students.

Hugs and Kisses,
The Professor"

Logan moved his finger over the words as he read. "So," he finally said gruffly, "he took all the smart people with him." He was a little hurt that he wasn't on the list, but a litte happy that he wasn't going to Lichtenstein. "Okay, so let's see what we need to get." He opened the refrigerator. "What's Chuck talkin' about? We got milk right here - " But as he picked it up, something rattled and he looked inside. Not only had the milk gone chunky, but it had hardened and seemed to have fossilized. "I seeee ... Well, at least we got toast - " The bread was gone. In it's stead was a lump of green fuzz. "Okaaaay ... "

"Hi, Mr. Logan!" a girl said, bouncing into the kitchen. "What's to eat?"

"Hi, Kitty."

"I'm Jubilee!" Jubilee, aka Jubilee, protested.

"Same thing."

"Not, it's not," Jubilee pouted.

Wolverine, meanwhile, was rifling through the cupboards. "Nothin'," he growled. He turned around and eyed Jubilee, then thought better of it. He supposed that would be cannibalism. He had practiced cannibalism before, however. It wasn't something he was entirely proud of, but, after the things he had gone through while being a soldier for Weapon X, he had discovered that one had to do all one could in order to survive, and if that meant killing and eating one's commanding officer while he slept, so be it. He continued to rifle through the cupboards.

"Hey! Wolverine! Whatcha got to eat?" a male voice asked from behind him. Sam Guthrie, or Cannonball.

Wolverine thought for a while, then said, "Nothin' yet. I gotta go shopping."

"Can the Spyke-man go with you?"

"Get out of my sight."

"Uh, yes sir," he said, stepping back. "Geez, he's not a morning person ... "

Kurt Wagner teleported into the room. "Feeeed meeee ... "

"Shut up, hairball."

"You shut-up, Jubilee!"

"Make me, Blue-Boy!"

"Quiet, you little maggots!" Wolverine roared. "Until I get back, Nightcrawler's in charge," he said, pointing a thumb at the blue, fuzzy elf. "Don't screw it up, Fuzzy."

"You can count on me, Volverine!" Kurt beemed, bounding down from the chandalier where he was currently swinging. He landed next to Kitty. "Auf Weidersen, Herr Logan!"

"Did you just call me a pansy?!" Wolverine threatened, walking toward him.

"No! I said, 'See you later, Mr. Logan' in German!"

Logan grunted and walked away as Rahne Sinclair, otherwise known as the mutant Wolfsbane, entered the kitchen in her wolf form. Rahne changed into her human form. "Where's Wolverine going?"

"To pick us up something to eat. I'm hopin' for Dunkin' Donuts!" Evan said. "By the way, where ya been, Rahney?"

"Drinking out of the toilet." Everyone cringed away from her in disgust. "Is anyone going to tell him he's still in his boxer shorts?" she asked, watching Wolverine walk away, the Canadian flag on his boxers waving good-bye. Above the maple leaf flag read "Viva La Canada!"

Everyone shook their heads sullenly.

"First order of business from ze Fuzzy One is to get me my slippers!"

"Uh, Nightie, dude," Evan said, "you don't have any slippers. You're feet are all fuzzy."

"Then get me Rahne's!" he ordered. "All four of them! My hands are cold, too."

"Ah, man," Rahne whined, trudging off to find her pink bunny slippers. "But I have to warn you, I chewed them up quite a bit last night ... "

"EEEeeeuuu ... Get me Amara's!"

"I burned mine."


"Sticking out of a wall when I lost it phasing."


"Oh, man. This bites monkey ass." Jubilee left the room to find her slippers.

Meanwhile, Logan felt a slight chill as he got on his motorcycle. He ignored it and revved the engine, speeding off the X-Men's property and toward the Albertsons a few miles away. Albertsons - it's your store. He hoped to God that it was open at 6:45 in the morning.

While on the freeway, he noticed a twenty-something year old woman staring at him. He winked at her and, to his surprise, she made a disgusted face and sped up to avoid him. A man on the freeway flipped him off, a biker looked at him and his bicycle wavered and crashed into a wall seperating the two lanes of traffic, and a mother covered the eyes of her child. Wolverine felt a little colder. And a little sad, too.

He pulled into the parking lot and stashed his bike between two cars and grabbed a shopping cart. There was a small ad featuring a tabby cat and a puppy eating Kitten Chow and Puppy Chow. Wolverine scratched his chin. "Ya know, that's something we don't have." The doors opened as Wolverine approached them. Inside were several tired looking women with curlers in their hair and balding men in overcoats. Wolverine stared down the isles, wondering where he might find Kitten and Puppy Chow when an employee approached him, looking very embarassed.

"Um, sir?" the acnified college student squeaked. "We have a little rule about our customers, uh ... not wearing pants."

"And what of it?" Wolverine growled, leaning in closer to the employee, mere inches from the boy's face.

"Uhhh ... We need more of them pantsless!" the boy said quickly.

"That's what I thought."

The boy scurried off into the isles like a little goblin in the night and Wolverine went back to searching for food. He finally decided on the isle with the bread in it. Bread was good. They could eat bread. You could make sandwiches with bread. Hamburgers, cheeseburgers, Filet o' Fish, Big Mac, Burger King, Wendy's, Denny's, MacDonalds - we make it your way. He needed some fast food. He grabbed a loaf of Wonderbread. Remember the Wonder.

He pushed his shopping cart through the isles to the ice cream isle, but it was too cold there so he left, but not before grabbing a frozen enchilada.

Next stop, fruit section. He grabbed a bunch of bananas and a pine apple and a cucumber. He went back to the cereal isle and grabbed some Sugar Bombs, remembering they were Jubes's favorite. He saw a medicine section across the store and went for that, too. Forge needed some Vaseline to oil up some of his arm-lasers. As he was picking up the Vaseline, he noticed some Trojans. "Hmmm ... I am running low. And I'm going up to Canada next week. What the hey - they're not too expensive." He grabbed a couple of boxes and tossed them into the shopping cart with the Vaseline, bread, enchilada, cucumber, pine apple, Sugar Bombs, Pepsi - for those who think young *wink* - and bananas.

Then he went for the cookies and cereal again where he had gotten the Sugar Bombs and grabbed a box of those cookies shaped like vanilla elves with chocolate creme in the middle along with strawberries, whipped cream, and some candy cherries. He licked his lips, thinking about candy cherries. "What's next ... Oh, yeah! The Chow!" He buzzed through the isles until he got to the pet toys and food and got two bags of food - Kitten Chow and Puppy Chow - and hoisted them into the shopping cart. Kitty and Rahne ate that, right? Probably. Anyway, they did now. He made his way to the cash register. Since it was so early in the morning, there were very few people there and Wolverine found a register with no line and began putting his items on the counter.

The cashier eyed him carefully as he rang up the Kitten Chow, Puppy Chow, frozen enchilada, Pepsi, Sugar Bombs, bread, Trojans, Vaseline, whipped cream, strawberries, candy cherries, cucumber, bananas, cookies, and pine apple.

"What?" Wolverine growled.

"Nothin', sir." The cashier shook his head and the bag boy began putting the food into paper bags. "I just don't wanna know what you do on a Saturday night." He ignored Wolverine's threatening look.

Logan took the bags and used a bungee cord to strap them to the back of his motorcycle and sped off again.

Meanwhile, the future X-Men of the world were arguing with Kurt.

"Kurt, you can't use my room as a bachelor pad! You know the rules!" Kitty pouted, getting more and more flustered by the moment. "Only the Professor is allowed to have a bachelor pad! Well, and Wolverine, but his is in Canada."

"Vell, as long as Volverine and ze Professor are out, ze Fuzzy Dude is ze new Pimp-Master around here," Kurt said, putting his hands on his hips. "Now go make me a sandvich!"

"Kurt! We don't have any bread!"

"Oh," he said, looking down at his Jubilee-slippered feet. "I guess ve'll have to improvise zhen! How about zat milk? It's kind of bread-like now."

"Yeah, fine, Kurt," Kitty said, walking away. "Like, you are SUCH a tyrrant," she muttered as she left.

Kurt reclined on the couch and sipped his soda, propping his feet up on the arm of the couch and watching Power Rangers on ABC Family. "Go, uh, ZE GREEN DUDE! Yeah! Ze Green Dude!"

"Dude, Kurt, you are such a loser, man," Evan said sitting down next to him. "It's all about the red one."

"Ze yellow one's hot."

"That she is, Kurt. That she is."

In the kitchen, Kitty leaned against the countertop next to Sam. "Shouldn't you be tending to his Majesty?" Sam asked sarcastically.

"Psh. No. He told me to make him a sandwich with the chunky milk," Kitty said in a bitter voice.

"Lucky," Sam muttered. "At least you didn't have to get him with the flea comb." Sam sighed and shuddered as he shut his eyes, trying hard to repress the thought.

"Stop your complaining," Jamie Madrox said, his jaw clenched. "He had me and my dupes reinact his favorite scenes from Rocky Horror Picture Show. WITH the costumes." He narrowed his eyes and glared at no one in particular. "It was very disturbing. My dupes are versions of me! I know what they're feeling while they do the Time Warp!" He shuddered as well.

"Dude, someone needs to put a stop to him," Jubilee said. "I just put on a fireworks display! And Evan's only encouarging him."

"Don't worry," Sam Guthrie said. "Wolverine should be back soon."

"Like he's any better," Jubilee said. "I mean, I love him and all. He's my Wolvie. But he can kind of be scary sometimes. This is not what I signed up for when I left home in L.A. I so miss being a mallrat. And the malls here suck!"

"Dude, I know," Bobby Drake, the Iceman said. "It smells like bitter ass in those malls."

Everyone nodded in agreement.

Roberto Dacosta, Sunspot, walked into the room, looking very tired indeed. "I am so kickin' Fuzzy's ass," he said, marching to the door.

Kitty put out a hand to stop him. "No. We'll only get in trouble. And I have, like, a pretty good record here so far. And besides, Kurt's not that bad. When you, like, get to know him, that is."

"Oh, Sunspot! It's time to comb my fur again!"

Kitty looked at Roberto then lowered her hand. "Okay, go."

Somewhere, Logan was at the side of the road, struggling to re-attach the bags of groceries and cursing a blue streak. When finally he hooked them back on his bike and took off again, he felt the cords loosen and had to re-tie them again. "These kids better appreciate what I'm doin' for 'em," he grumbled. He checked his watch: 7:25! He had to hurry! He stepped on the gas and took off like a bat out of hell. Within moments, he was back at the X-Mansion.

Logan speared one of the bags with his claws and tucked another under his arm. "Kids! Someone open the door! My hands are full!" Silence. "I SAID SOMEONE OPEN THE DOOR!"

The door flew open, but not to help him with the bags. Instead, Roberto fell down the steps and straight into Logan, who dropped the groceries. Roberto lay sprawled out on the ground, trying to hoist himself back up. Evan stood in the doorway. "And don't ever try to mess with me or Kurt again!" He slammed the door as Roberto finally stood up.

"Hey, Mr. Logan. Any luck shopping?"

Logan just stared at Roberto, then at the door, then at Roberto again. Finally, he stood up and walked to the door. All the groceries were ruined. Inclucing the candy cherries. Oh, someone would pay for this, someone would pay . Logan threw open the doors. "Alright!" he yelled at the top of his voice. "Who is responsible for destroying the food?!"

No matter where they were in the mansion, every single X-Man froze. For once, there was a dead calm in the mansion.

Logan yelled again, "Who knocked Dacosta into me?!"

Once again, dead silence. Then Kitty phased through the wall, followed by Rahne Sinclair who was in the form of a cowering, whimpering wolf. Roy Crisp, aka Berzerker, peeked out of the door and soon all of the X-Men, save for Evan and Kurt, were in the main hall, but keeping their distance from Wolvie, of course.

"Who done it?" he growled angrily in a low voice.

Involuntarily, they all looked toward the T.V. room. Logan followed their gaze and stormed into the room.

"Who. Made. Me. Drop. The. Food?" he asked again.

"Um, Roberto?" Evan squeaked.

He turned on Evan. "I saw you push him," he growled at him.

"I was protecting Kurt!" he blurted out. "I was assigned as his bodygaurd because he suspected the others were plotting a mutiny! I was only following orders!"

He turned to the others and growled, "Mutiny?"

All of a sudden, their silence was broken and there was a turrent of accusations.

"He took my slippers, Wolvie! He's wearing them now!"

"I had to brush him!"

"I had to get him with the flea comb!"

" - AND I had to put on a fireworks display!"

"I had to act out his favorite scenes from Rocky Horror Picture Show with my dupes and he wanted me to do the 'Time Warp' and 'Rose-Tinted World' and 'I'll Make You a Man'! I still feel dirty!"

"He wanted me to make him a sandwich out of the bread-like milk AND have a batchelor pad AND he called himself a pimp-master!"

"He tried to get my slippers, but I told him I chewed them up!"

He turned to the fuzzy elf. "Is this true, hairball?"

"See, I can explain - "

Roy shot a beam of electrical energy at Kurt's head and he was knocked unconscious, his blue fur standing on end and making him look like a swollen, blue, fuzzy elf. There was a long silence, then Jubilee began to applaud, followed by Kitty and Jamie. Soon there was a roar of clapping.

"I want you kids to go up to your rooms. I'll call you down when I find something to eat," Wolverine ordered.

"What about Kurt?" Kitty asked.

"Leave him here with me."

The X-Men hurried off to their rooms and there was a slamming of doors.

* * *

"Wow! This is actually really good, Mr. Logan!" Jubilee said, taking another bite of the food he had prepared. "What is it?"

"Old family recipe," he said.

"You've got to try this," Roy said, turning to Kitty whose plate was empty.

"I can't," she said miserably, "I'm a vegetarian."

"Just this once," Evan pressed. "You won't regret it. This is the best thing since sliced pizza." He put a piece of meat on Kitty's plate.

She sighed. "Oh, alright. I'll just eat a tiny bit." She cut a small piece and nibbled it, then smiled. "Hey! This is really good!" She began eating faster.

Rahne, who had morphed into her wolf form, was eating out of a doggy dish under the table and wagged her tail. Bobby dropped her another piece.

"Hey," Amara said, "anyone see Kurt around? Where'd he go?"

Logan put another bite into his mouth and chewed. "I have a feeling he's close by."

The End