Disclaimer: I own neither The Hitchhiker's Guide to The Galaxy nor Doctor Who. I, fortunately, gave the (Spoiler) a happy ending because I believe in animal's rights. And as always, Thank you for reading, please review and enjoy!
Chapter 2: The Cow, The Waiter, and The Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster:
Amy and the Doctor walked over to the man behind the booth.
"Table for two." The Doctor said with an excited smile. "I have only been here twice." He said to Amy. "Once with River, and the other with Rose."
Amy raised her eyebrows. "So I am the third woman that you have brought here?"
"Shut up." The Doctor said.
"Do you have a reservation?" Said the man behind the booth.
"Yes," said the Doctor. "It should be under John Smith."
"Ah yes," said the man behind the booth (in a dignified voice that only someone that had a lot of money or someone that was extremely narcissistic [or both] could make) "right this way Mr. Smith and Miss Pond."
Amy opened her mouth to correct him. She was named Mrs. Williams after all. Then she stopped herself. She wasn't married. What was she thinking? The random overwhelming sadness that never had any reason to exist overtook her.
"Coming, Pond?" Asked the Doctor. Eyebrows knitted together in concern.
Amy blinked away tears that she didn't understand. She ran over to the Doctor. And smiled at him to show him that she was fine.
"Your seats." Said the man who was no longer behind the booth, gesturing to a beautiful table with two seats.
Amy and the Doctor thanked him and sat down. The ceiling was a glass dome and Amy could see asteroids zooming around the night sky and a moon in the distance was decaying like a month old orange that had been left in a damp cave and then thrust into the burning sun. In other words, it was not a pretty sight. But it also was beautiful. It symbolized life and death, hunger and fullness, music and Vogon poetry.
Amy looked around in wonder and the Doctor looked around at the semi-humanoids around them.
"What would you like to drink?" Asked the man that was no longer behind the booth (who I am now going to call "Wallace" for no apparent reason.)
Amy quickly glanced at her menu. She had been so busy looking around at the wonderful sight, that she had been neglecting her menu! The Doctor had as well, she noticed as his eyes darted across his paper in front of him.
"What is a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster?" Amy asked with wonder.
"I will explain to her." Said the Doctor to "Wallace". "Two Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters please."
"Alright!" "Wallace," said. And he left with the look of someone who had just won the lottery.
"So what is a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster?" Amy asked.
The Doctor pulled out a small device that looked quite unlike a larger cell phone. He typed on it for a couple of seconds and handed it to Amy. It started to talk in a deep calming voice:
Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
The best drink in existence is the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster.
The effect of which is similar to the feeling of having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick.
CAUTION: The Average Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster costs an arm and a leg. (In Viltvodle VI, you had to pay an arm in order to drink this magnificent drink. Then again, paying an arm in Viltvodle VI would be like paying a finger for the drink (if you had five fingers on each hand and 10 hands. Which the idea alone of having five fingers on each hand is enough to make anyone shudder in horror.)
Amy didn't know to laugh or question existence itself. Before she could do either, "Wallace" came back to give them their drinks and get their dinner orders.
"What would you like for dinner?" Questioned "Wallace" laying their Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters down on the table.
"A steak with a side of salad." Said Amy
"Wallace" looked at the Doctor.
"What would you like?" He asked.
"I would like fish sticks and custard." said the Doctor
"I am afraid that we have a very strict policy on fish." Said "Wallace"
"Ah yes," muttered the Doctor. "River made a huge deal about Milliways serving Jim's great uncle's brother." "I will have a grilled cheese an apple on the side." He said. "And can you please carve a smiley face on the apple?" Asked the Doctor.
"That, we can do." Said "Wallace"
"We will bring out the dinner shortly." He recited, as though he had said the statement hundreds of times. "Would you like the Meet the Meat option?" He asked.
"Meet the Meat?" Asked Amy with a questioning look at both the Doctor and "Wallace". The Doctor gave her a warning look with a slight shake of the head. Both of which Amy ignored, her curiosity getting the best of her.
"Sure." She said shrugging. "Why not."
Wallace half bowed and walked away.
"Why on Gallifrey," moaned the Doctor exasperated. "Did you ask for Meet the Meat?"
"What is Meet the Meat?" Asked Amy, matching the Doctor's tone.
"You will see." said the Doctor darkly. "And will end up sharing my apple with me."
Amy sipped her drink and it felt as though her head had exploded. With her eyes watering, she looked at the Doctor.
"That phone thing wasn't wrong. It does feel like feel like having your brain smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped 'round a large gold brick." She croaked.
The Doctor cracked a smile and tipped the elegant glass down his throat. As he swallowed, his face went scarlet as his bow-tie.
Suddenly, the strangest sight that Amy had ever seen and the fifth strangest that the Doctor had ever seen waddled up to their table.
"Good evening," the cow said. "I am your dish today. May I interest you in my shoulder? Or would you like some other part of me? My leg is goo-"
"Nope," said Amy with the widest eyes that the Doctor had ever seen on a human being before. And he had to agree. This was quite inhuman and frankly horrible.
You know what?" Whispered Amy to the Doctor. "I never thought that I would say this before, but I think I am going to smuggle a cow out of a restaurant tonight." The Doctor grinned and whispered back as the cow back and forth from the strange man with a bow-tie and the woman with fiery red hair. "I am in." He said.