Prayers in a Heartache
Seems like this is the new trend for my writings...
My life is a total mess, and all I'm left with is praying.
I'm too angsty not to leave it all out.
This is set after 8x01, and it is slightly AU.
„By leaving me?" Rick is devastated after Kate made the choice of leaving their marriage. Feeling helpless, he drowns into the empty space she left, and starts harming himself. [TW: self-harm]
„Why are you giving up on our marriage?
I'm trying to save it-
By leaving me?"
He replayed the dialogue in his mind, and he couldn't believe it. He didn't want to believe it happened. That Kate Beckett just gave up on him, simple as that. Like he was nothing. He only thought of how much he loves her, and needs her.
Castle sighed and finished cooking the meal he meant to prepare for two. His heart felt caught in a deep wrench of unthinkable sadness, and he couldn't help but cry. He started crying, because the pain was just too agonizing to deal with. Why? Why would you just let me promise you „Always" only for you to toss it away, like it meant nothing to you?
He let out a few sobs, and ate the meal with great difficulty. He couldn't think. He couldn't feel anything but a dark, deep void inside his soul. He remembered all the times he saved her from the clutches of death.
Now, who would save him from this? Who'd give him hope to have anything worthwhile in his life? He looked towards the bathroom, and then towards the front door, but realized that only, maybe, a miracle would save their marriage. He went through living hell for her just to make sure that their Always could be, at last, real. He poured himself some whiskey and tried to distract his thoughts, but they were all so dark. A gentle breeze of wind passed through an open window in the living room, and all he could think of was her. He couldn't bear another separation, another moment where they weren't together.
Two days later...
No matter how hard his mother was trying to talk some sense into him, she realized he felt far too hurt. Nobody should be going through this kind of pain, and all Castle did was to pray, and to think of her, every moment they kissed and held hands and-
„Richard?" Martha called out his name, a little more than worried for her son.
„Y-yes," Castle replied, after a moment. „What is it, Mother?"
„How are you feeling?"
„I..." he hesitated, as he fought back tears. „I'm living in a constant heartache."
„Did you try talking to..."
„The shrink said that I don't have to lose hope." he said, with a trembling voice. „But I'm feeling in such a pain, a pain that seems to go on forever..."
„It will be okay, Richard. I trust Katherine to come back to her senses. You love her, that much is spelled in your voice, in your acts. I doubt she would give up on you like this."
After a few more moments of gentle reassurings and convincing him to distract himself with writing, he sat at his large oak desk and opened up his laptop. He had to pour these feelings out, even if, at the back of his head, a voice was whispering. A voice that urged him to disappear. A voice that wanted to push him down there, into the abyss. He ignored it, and went on with his writing, but suddenly, he began to notice that a few of those thoughts were slithering in what he wrote.
You're such an useless piece of shit Rook. You didn't even bother to check out that drawer. What's your plan to get rid of this thing inside you?
He deleted the line and whispered a prayer that he wouldn't be pushed to this, that Kate would be back to him. He prayed almost fervently, hoping that he would be listened to. He needed her in his life. More than anything, he needed her. He couldn't feel complete at all, and all he felt was just a painful, long heartache. His mind was a complete jumble of cries and prayers, and he noticed his eyes were red from crying that much, and his face was so pale due to the lack of sleep he had for the past days. I need you Kate, I need you, I need you so desperately it might sound crazy, I just can't think of anything else but you, I can't, I just need you desperately...I'm praying so, so much you'd come back to me, where did I screw up, what have I done for you to be so cruel to me, return to me, return to me my love, please...
He closed the laptop and all he could think of was what he did for her to just up and leave. Did he say something wrong? Did he do something? All he knew was that he wanted this pain to be gone already, he wanted her back to heal him, to give him some colour to his life...
He looked towards the bathroom door again. This time, nobody was at home, and he rushed towards the bathroom. Looking at the shiny razor blades, a thought crossed his mind. Or more.
Look how pathetic you are.
Do you think Kate wants a piece of garbage like you are?
All you do is be dramatic. You wouldn't be able to pull suicide.
You wouldn't bring it to yourself to self harm.
Acknowledge, Rick, you're such a lame guy, she doesn't think of you.
He looked at them again, and picked one up. The shiny blade seemed way too inviting at this point not to try. It wasn't like he...he didn't do it before.
Kate, why did you leave me... Cut.
Kate, I need you, are you that blind to not see it? Cut.
Kate, don't leave, you're a big part of my life. Cut.
Kate... Kate ... Kate... Cut.
He looked at the blood that was spilling, and then searched for a bandage to wrap the wrist tightly, a wry smile painting itself on his face. He would've written out her name in his blood...but he kept praying that she would be back...that she would take him in her arms, that she would call his name again. He did, however, feel a little less hollow than before.
He kept praying.
He needed her back in his life...