On the Rules Regarding Natural Selection
A Look Ma! No plot! fanfic
by Dommi-chan

Right so this is written exactly like Reflections of a Bored Spike and/or Spengler Among the Nightingales, and was inspired by a HP fic, The First to Get Eaten I think it's called. So yeah. They're owned by Columbia/Tri-Star/DiC. I tried to make it so you can tell who says whatat the very least, Egon's lines should be obvious. ^_^;;

You know, one day I'll put Janine in a central role in one of these. One day. Maybe. Eventually. Perhaps. Or some junk.


Basic Premise: Coming home from a bust, our favourite four boys are driving home when a bad accident causes a horrible, worthy of Atlanta on a rainy day traffic jam.

All we have to seeeeeeeeeeeeeeee is that I don't belong to you and you don't belong to meFreedom! I won't let you down! Freedom! I will not give you up! Freedom! Gotta have some faith in the sound! Its the one good thing that Ive got!

Heaven knows we sure had some fun boy, what a kick just a buddy and me! We had every big-shot good-time band on the run boy, we were living in a fantasy. We won the race, got out of the place----

I went back home, got a brand new---huh? What?

You've been singing George Michael for the last forty minutes. Give it a rest.

Well excuse me, Zed. Not like there's anything else to do.

Aw, come on, Peter, there's plenty for us to do! We could play the License Plate Game, or I Spy, or Twenty Questions, or

How about Never Have I Ever? Oh waitno booze. Damn.

Thank heaven for small favors.

*gasp* The distinguished Doctor Spengler speaks at last! To what do we owe this honour?

Your annoying and inappropriate attempts at amusement. Honestly, Peter, one would think you were still in high school, considering how your maturity is approximately the same as that of a fourteen year old.

Just because your idea of a good time involves mold and a petri dishwho pissed in your Wheaties this morning?

That statement is so disturbing, I can not even fathom what to say in reply.

Hey we're moving.damn. That wasn't even ten feet.

Come on guys, there's gotta be something we can do to pass the time. Who knows how long we'll be stuck here.

At this, rate, could be days. Weeks even. In fact, were probably going to die here.

Winston, please refrain from being so melodramatic. The probability of that occurring is less than

Ray. It'd definitely be Ray.

Huh? What would definitely be me?

You guys saw the movie Alive right?

That's the thing with the soccer team in the mountains, right?

Yeah. You know how they had to eat each other to stay alive?

Indeed. Although how that pertains to Raymond

Well, if we got stuck here for weeks, and were starving to death, we'd eat Ray first. I mean, obviously.

What the hell?! No you wouldn't!!

Pete, that's just sick.

Dude, Tex, sorry to tell you but you'd so be the first to go. No offense, but you are the chubbiest of us all. That makes you the most tender and juicy.

Peter, I can't believe you! I would NOT be the first one to be eaten! Besides, Winston's got the best build out of all of us.

Say what?!

I can not honestly believe that the three of you are discussing this.

Hrm. That's a good point. Zed, you are in the best shape of the four of us. I bet you'd taste good with some hollandaise and roasted potatoes

Oh come on, I get hives from hollandaise sauce!

Oh! And we could have tira misu for dessert!

Oooh, nice touch Ray! I amend my previous statements. Winston, sorry man, but you're voted off the island.

Why me? What's wrong with Egon?

Oh no. You are not pulling me into this insipid and disgusting conversation. I forbid it.

Well, look at him. He's all lanky and stringy. He's probably too tough to chew.

You sure about that? I mean, Peter, with all of the Twinkies he eats, he's probably not that stringy. And a fair amount of that lankiness is muscle, we all know this.

Et tu, Raymond?

Hey, if then falls Spengler, better you than me. Rice pilaf and sautéed in butter, you think?

Rice pilaf, sautéed in butter and garlic, a good vintage Chardonnay, and I'm thinking along the lines of a raspberry torte for dessert.

Raymond, you and I need to have a long conversation when we get back to the firehouse.

Damn, Ray, for a guy who can't cook for crap, you sure can plan a menu.

Hey, I'm no Martha Stewart, but I know what I like.

What is the matter with the both of you? I realize that this traffic jam is trying, but honestly debating on such a morbid subject is

You know, forget how he'd taste. I say we should eat Spengs next just to get him to stop talking.

*Harrumph* I notice, Doctor Venkman, you have not put yourself up for discussion.

Well, of course not. I don't make any sense to be the first to go. Whereas you and Zed would be the most nutritious. Ray, back me up here.

He's right. Between all of Winston's musculature and all the stored-up carbs in you, Egon

The two of you are absolutely appalling.

Not to mention gross. I can't believe you two are still going on about this.

Yeah, well, boredom breeds chaos or some crap. So then there were two. And, well, as fun as it's been Ray

Wait a minute. You're gonna turn on me just like that?

Well, yeah. Goes back to what I said earlier, tender and juicy.

And just how do you know I'd let you kill me and make me into a casserole? I did play hockey for a while in Morrisville, you know.

Please, Ray. We both know you'd sooner die than let one of us starve. Zed, Spengs, back me up here.

Gee, Egon, do you hear something? It's hard to tell, being that we were killed by our quote-unquote best friends, and all.

I am not quite certainperhaps had we not been consumed and digested by our supposed friends, we may be able to hear properly.

Oh come on guysdon't be like that, it's not like it was personal.

Hrm, there is that peculiar noise I can not quite discern again

You're so cute, Spengs. So very, very cute.

Stop changing the subject, Peter! Who says you'd take me in a fight?

I would, though. Remember, Venkmans don't play fair.

And Stantz's do?

Please. One knee to the crotch and it'd be over.

Holy crap! Peter that's just cruel!

Gotta say, glad I've already been eaten if that's what's gonna go down later. Sounds kinda ugly.

I am inclined to agree with you.

Yeah, well, every man for himself, you know? AlthoughI gotta admit, I'd feel really shitty after having eaten all of you. There's sorta no point to going on without my friends

Perhaps you should have thought of that before playing Iron Chef Venkman?

did Egon just make a pop-culture reference?

I'm as scared as you are.

Oh, honestly. The three of you act as though I am not allowed to have layers. I rather enjoy the Chairmans culinary competition, thank you very much.

Learn something new everyday, I guess. And stop changing the subject! You're missing my big flowery speech on togetherness!

You call that big and flowery?

It sounded better in my head. The point is, you all know if it were your lives or mine, I'd insist on you three chowing down TV-dinner style on me first, right?

Hrm. I am inclined to believe that leaving you with an enormous case of Survivor's Guilt would be preferable.

I think Egon's right. It'd be much more fun for us if you ate us, then felt bad about it forever.

Yeah! That'd be great! We could like, point and laugh from the Pearly Gates! Egon, you're a genius!

Yes, I know.

Oh fine. I take back my previous statements. In no way would I feel sorry for killing and eating your sorry asses OR the rest of your persons. So there.

Wow. Now that's a mental image I could live without. Ewww.

Rule Number One, Raymond: Never Visualize.

Even with Rule Number One, you gotta admit that's gross. Man, I don't know if we can be friends anymore, Pete.

I didn't mean it like that! Jesus, I can't win with you assholes, can I?

Hey, we're moving again! I think the accident's cleared up!

Finally. Now maybe we can get home, and far, far away from Peter and his incredible ability to disturb.

Ha, ha. You gonna take that act on the road, Zed?

If it gets me away from you, yes.

The accident has definitely been cleared up. We should be home shortly.

Great! I don't want to become anyone's appetizer!

Argh! I said that I'd want to be eaten first! Hello, I'm displaying a rare moment of depth and altruism here? You're supposed to fawn over me, not ignore it!

We got it, Pete. You'd go first. And we're all moved, really. But right now, I just want to get home.

I second that.

Third it!

Fine, fine. You're all asking for this, by the way

Asking for


You had to ask, Ray.

Eh-heh. Sorry, guys.

We certainly are, Raymond. We certainly are.

*~* That was fun while it lasted *~*
I am dumb. So very dumb.

The song Peter is singing throughout is Freedom by George Michael. And if Last Train to Oblivion is any indication, pity the other three, for the Venkman can not sing for shit.

Other stuff that warrants explanations---

Never Have I Ever: Party game where a person states Never have I ever and then they state something that they've never done, like had sex in a public place or murdered someone, for example. Anyone who has done what they said has to take a shot or a drink of an alcoholic beverage. The game is also called I've Never or Have You Ever

Winston, sorry man, but you're voted off the island.: Yes Virginia, there is a Survivor reference.

Et tu, Raymond?/Then falls Spengler: Egon and Peter are, of course, referencing Shakespeare's Julius Caesar. Just call Peter and Ray Cassius and Brutus.

Iron Chef Venkman: EVERYONE watches Iron Chef. EVERYONE. Including Egon, because dammit, I said so. If you don't though, it's this fabulous Japanese game show where every week a chef would challenge one of the Chairman Kaga's Iron Chefs. The Chairman would provide a special ingredient that had to be used in all of the courses, including dessert. (Even if it was something like pork or eel.) I guess Egon's alluding that Peter's special ingredient would have been Soylent Green.