The Very Secret Diary of Angelo, Deputy to the Duke

Entry One Have just been made substitute duke whilst the boss takes a holiday. Yes! Yes! Power at last! All Venice will tremble before me! Hope duke dies, as then will be ruler for good. Discreetly tried on crown after duke left. Looked damn good in it, much better than Duke as am not bald & squinting. Also started redecorating the office, as Duke not really much good at interior decorating. Lime green and chocolate just not meant to go together in my opinion. Made trip to Ikea and have decided on a neutral colour scheme with minimalist furniture and classy industrial feel. Have removed all mock-leather furniture and leopard skin rugs, as feel not really appropriate for the office environment

Entry Two Am unfortunately stuck with Father Christmas look-alike Escalus as assistant. He said self was being cavalier with the duke's furnishings, so have hidden his contact lenses. Idiot has to go around everywhere squinting & bumping into things. In other news, have discovered the real reason that Duke buggered off: massive pile of paperwork which is now left for me to sort out. Typical. Will purchase long, impressive looking robes to cheer self up.

Entry Three Damn damn damn. Stupid populace keep pestering me with forms to fill in. Also refuse to be impressed by imposing robes, which I tripped over in street yesterday. Have returned robes. Will purchase similar robes of shorter length. Am sure will look just as dashing. Mariana always said looked stupid in robes. Said self was a posing imbecile. Maybe the reason that self ditched her. That and sudden loss of her dowry, naturally. Still can't believe everyone bought the excuse that her reputation was disvalued in levity. I mean, hasn't anyone looked at her? Levity? In her dreams. Must go back to filling in forms. Hate forms. Will make up really nasty law to teach horrible populace a lesson.

Entry Four Got it: No sex before marriage under penalty of death. Ha ha ha! Stupid populace won't know what hit it. Am diabolical in the extreme!

Entry Five Have heard rumour Duke told random monk that I scarce confessed that my blood flows. Rubbish. Of course blood flows. Am not ashamed/in denial about the fact. Otherwise would be dead. Would know if self was in fact dead. Would be ghost, able to walk through walls and stuff. What does he think I am, stupid? Walked out of stupid court case today, left Escalus to deal with it. Sucker. I love being powerful. Made hilarious joke about the session lasting out a night in Russia, but it was way over their heads. Idiots. Hate trials almost as much as paperwork. Will leave that kind of thing to Escalus in future, as clearly has no life of his own.

Entry Six First victim of new law: Claudio. Wussy poser with silly haircut and pregnant girlfriend. Will have him executed tomorrow. Serves him right. What right does he have to go around enjoying himself when I'm stuck at a desk filling in forms for 12 hours a day?

Entry Seven Damn damn damn to the power infinity. Had visit from Claudio's sister. Nun type, very religious. Girl not entirely ugly, although obviously insufferable. I mean, just because someone has beautiful eyes, face, hair and figure doesn't give them the right to. damn. Damn. Can't stop thinking about her. See her everywhere. Adore everything about her. Will die if do not see her again. Is only person I care about in entire world. Suspect may be in love with sanctimonious nun type. Am in trouble. Is this her fault or mine? Hers, obviously. Am icy yet attractive figure of authority, do not dribble over women in this fashion. No strumpet with double art & vigour would once stir my temper and all that. Nun clearly has some subtle seductive technique going on that self was unaware of. Am Angelo, after all, man of stone. A man who fears no one, dedicated to the job, immune from human affections. Possessing steely integrity coupled with heroic good looks. Like the lone ranger, but without a horse.

Entry 8 Saw Isabella again. Tried to confess love for her, but made a botch job of it. Hours of filling in forms has left self unable to communicate properly. Tried to be suave and ended up sounding desperate and slightly psychotic. "Plainly conceive, I love you"? What was I thinking? No wonder she was so miffed. Thought had found cunning solution to problem: brother's life in return for sex. Suggested it to her, pointed out that everyone would go home happy. She told me to sod off. Told her would torture her brother more if she didn't changer her mind, then made dramatic exit. Fail to see what more a decent man could have done.

Entry 9 Another rumour circulating, saying I was spawned between two stock fishes. Not entirely sure what stock fish is, but didn't want to look stupid by asking. Don't know what's wrong with people, as rumour clearly unfounded. Parents are human beings (more or less), not stock fishes. Obviously if rumour was true would be fish myself. Am not. Enjoy eating fish, but that's as far as it goes. Would actually rather fancy a bit of fish at the moment. Had a visit from Isabella, capitulating. Knew she would. Am genius, with uncanny perception into other people's psyches. Girl clearly infatuated with me, suspect whole brother getting Juliet pregnant scenario may have been engineered by her merely to have an excuse for seeing me. Feel evil, but in a happy, exhilarated sort of way.

Entry 10 So that's why everyone got so upset when I banned sex before marriage. The peculiar thing was, kept thinking about Mariana for some reason. Will make appointment with psychiatrist & try not to dwell on it.

Entry 11 Ran into Lucio, who said that word on the street was that my urine was congealed ice. Lovely. Told him in no uncertain terms that either the rumours stop or someone will be in v. hot water. Him, to be specific. To deflect attention from self, also told Lucio about Duke's rather unsavoury habits: beggars, clack dishes, brown bread and garlic, the whole sordid affair. He promised to tell as many people as possible. Am criminal genius! (Slightly worried about Isabella though. Have horrible feeling brother will be miffed about the whole sleeping-with-me-to-save-his-life thing. Probably should have just let him off in 1st, am evil, do not give mercy for nothing. Besides, entire plot of play would have been ruined.) Will execute Claudio despite promise to Isabella. Ha ha ha. Obviously cannot wreak revenge if is dead. Will also make point of seeing severed head for myself. Have seen too many movies where people pretend to be dead & then turn out not to be at inopportune moments. Am so evil actually scaring myself now.

Entry 12 Saw Claudio's head. It was green.

Entry 13 Slight guilt about death of Claudio, but eased it with dramatic soliloquy which made self seem even more tormented & sexy than usual. Received lots of pointless letters from Duke, each of which disvouched the other. Typical. Suspect Duke may possibly be going senile in old age. Would explain why he hasn't sacked Escalus, I suppose. Hope Duke does not return, as have heaped all the paperwork into huge pile and burnt it in act of defiance.

Entry 14 Duke returning today. Damn it! Will blame incinerated paperwork and giant hole burned in desk on Escalus. Duke, being the posing twit that he is, wants to meet us at city gates for some reason. Knew all that stuff about loving the people but not wanting to stage him to their eyes was a load of rubbish. Will wear imposing blue robes. Or possibly sparkly green ones. Will ask Escalus what he is wearing, as obviously do not want to clash.

Entry 15 Situation bad: Duke is back. Isabella is back. Isabella trying to grass on me, the cow. Now Mariana's here for some reason. Keeps calling me her husband. All very frightening, as five years of crying over our break up has left her distinctly clammy looking. Not completely sure what's going on, but looks bad. Cunningly pretended both were mad, but not sure what's going to happen next.

Entry 16 Damn damn damn damn. Why do these things always happen to me? Am being forcibly escorted to church in company of Mariana and smug monk type to be married. To Mariana, not to smug monk, obviously, although not really much to choose between them. Duke apparently turned out to be disguised as friar. Why? Apparently have been found out. Tried sucking up to Duke, "like power divine" etc, but he wasn't having any. Am nearing church door.fear this could be the end.

Entry 17 I crave death more willingly than mercy. It is my deserving, and I do entreat it. Seriously. Kill me now. Ah, looks like they're going to.

Entry 18 Have been reprieved at last minute, thanks to Claudio not being dead. Funny that, could have sworn I had his head cut off. Not something many people survive, in my experience. Suspect may have been tricked, but not entirely sure how. Or why. Am now married to Mariana. Duke's disguise was apparently not childish dressing up prank but piece of brilliant political scheming. Could have fooled me. Duke now about to marry Isabella. Knew he had an ulterior motive for marrying me off to Mariana. Smug bastard told me to love her. Am clearly surrounded by imbeciles. Feel completely baffled by whole thing, frankly. Mariana keeps saying how much fun it will be living in the moated grange. Don't know what her fixation is with stupid moat. Hate water. Hate Mariana. Will push her into moat at first opportunity.