King Dedede was not prepared for this. At all.
He should have just turned around and went back to sleep.
But alas, he didn't, and now he needed aspirin.
Maybe three liters of soda pop too.
Scratch that, five.
"What. The. Hell," he finally managed to sputter.
"Hai!" Kirby replied with a perfectly straight face. As straight as one could look when the trademark shape of his body differed from just yesterday.
Dedede felt his brow visibly twitch at Kirby's nonchalance. "What. Happened. To. You?" he hissed.
"Do you know that a sphere is only two-thirds the area of a cylinder with the same radius?" Kirby began to ramble, seemingly ignoring Dedede's question as he began pacing back and forth in the spacious corridors of Castle Dedede. "So I thought, being the shape of a cylinder means that I can eat fifty percent more food!' he gleefully declared. "But a cylinder looks weird, so I went with a cube instead!"
Like a cylinder is any better than a cube! Dedede thought, wasting no time in slapping his own face with his hand.
Nope. This wasn't a dream… or a nightmare. He made a mental note to purge the Fountain of Dreams at a later time with his own two hands to make sure. "You mean…" the ruler of Dream Land started, trying to formulate a sentence that didn't sound too ridiculous when he saw that Kirby had lost his precious demure roundness. "…this change in figure is… deliberate."
The now cube-shaped Kirby smiled. "Sure is. I went back to that Old Garden and deliberately lost to that Landia lookalike dragon in that Windows 2000 OS ripoff multiple times until it took away my stat points for roundness and puffiness—"
"I didn't need an explanation!" Dedede interjected, slowly backing away from the hideous sight in front of him when he realized there actually was an explanation as to this madness. He couldn't keep the disgust from showing on his face. It was just so… unnatural.
Eventually though, he gave in to his morbid curiosity. "Just… why!?"
"Didn't I already tell you? It's all for the sake of food. A cube has a greater surface area and general area than a sphere of the same size. I have just evolved to better encompass my appetite," he justified, rubbing his belly. Even the motion seemed awkward now.
"You mean devolved!" Dedede waved his hands about animatedly. "This is an unbelievable regression!"
Kirby shook his head. "You're imagining things. Besides, I've made up my mind. From this moment on, I shall no longer be Kirby. No longer shall I conform with the perils of curves and calculus! I am a simple creature with right-angled tendencies!" He grinned wildly, pumping his fist into the air. "Henceforth, I am Cubey, the hero of Rubik's Land! All hail my six faces and twelve edges!"
Dedede could only stare slack-jawed at what he would call 'an utter monstrosity'.
"You seem awfully quiet, Dedede. What's wrong?" The pink puff… cube queried. "You seem mighty… square today."
The emphasis of the word had been inflected to guarantee the pun would be as lame and cheesy as possible, earning a groan from just about everyone in the vicinity—namely a few passing Waddle Dees—unfortunate enough to be complicit in this chaos.
Dedede felt like sinking through the floor. That sense of sheer despair and apathy that he felt within him brewed to the surface within ten seconds since the conversation had started, which had to be a new record. Previous record holders included Dark Matter (possessing him twice), Taranza (blasted his army and sent him on a sightseeing tour), as well as a decisively less annoying, more serious Kirby (Revenge of the King).
"Turn yourself back to your original form," Dedede whispered conspiratorially, "Please."
"Never!" Kirb-… Cubey declared obstinately. "This is a new me! Just allow me to be myself, Dedede! I have always had a fascination for the humble cube…"
Dedede clamped his hands onto his ears, flattening them. "Lalalalalalalalala~" he sang as loudly and off-key as he could. "I'm not listening. Go fly a kite!"
"When Haltmann Works took over and mechanized Popstar," he continued, "that fascination became an obsession. After all, their Code Cubes are shaped perfectly, with so much tender loving care put into them—"
"TOO MUCH INFORMATION!" Dedede yelled.
"YOU'RE JUST IN DENIAL! CUBES ARE THE MASTER RACE, NOT SPHERES! SPHERES DON'T EVEN HAVE VERTICES OR FACES! THEY ARE INEFFICIENT!"
Dedede cocked his head in befuddlement at the surprise outburst. "Wh-wha…"
"THAT IS WHY PLANET POPSTAR IS FLAT, AND YOU KNOW IT! BECAUSE SQUARES AND CUBES ARE MASTER RACE!" Cubey hollered back, yodeling and catching the attention of multiple Waddle Dees in the vicinity. "YOU HAVE BEEN LIVING A LIE ALL ALONG!"
Before Dedede could even attempt to come up with a sensible reply, a new voice from behind made him jump.
"I heard that! Hands in the air, right now! This is the Spheroid Police!"
Dedede turned around at the source of the voice, only to see a blue mage with twinkling yellow eyes. It would have been an ordinary sight, had he not been holding a miniature Lor Starcutter above his head.
"Oi! I said, don't move!" Magolor yelled, throwing his hand forward and flinging the starship directly at Dedede.
Dedede's eyes widened to the size of saucers. He so needed to drink ten liters of sparkling soda pop after this. "Wh-what the hell, Magolor!" he cried out, exasperated, hurling himself to the ground as the Lor sailed past his head and slammed into a nearby wall.
That would cost quite a bit to fix, Dedede thought bitterly.
Magolor pointed a finger at the stumbling king, snarling as his eyes gleamed. "Don't play ignorant with me, traitor! You switched sides! I heard what you said," he admonished, clicking his tongue as he floated over. "By arguing with such a flatheaded argument, you have betrayed the Order of the Eggman Empire!"
"H-Hey! Wait a minute… it wasn't me!" Dedede denied incessantly, trying to defend himself by whirling around to accuse the hero of Dream Land. "It was—"
Kirby was nowhere to be seen.
"Ah, the blame game." Magolor shook his head disparagingly while Dedede stared at the empty spot in shock. "That's what they all say. A ghost said it, perchance?"
"No! That makes absolutely no sense! Cubey… no, Kirby was here! He was the one who said that!"
Magolor had to stifle a laugh. He settled for snorting instead. "Really? Kirby said that? I doubt it. Can you imagine something like that coming out of his mouth?"
Dedede had absolutely no comeback to Magolor's query. He whimpered instead.
"Oh well." Magolor giggled, placing a hand to his mouth. "It's time for your punishment, King Dedede! As an esteemed member of the fellowship of the Egg Cult, do you have any last words for insulting our spherical overlords?"
"Dear Stars, is everyone but me insane today?!" Dedede howled, trembling as he whipped out his hammer for self-defense.
"Talk to the omelette, traitor!" Magolor pantomimed Dedede's nagging voice, exaggerating Dedede's agitated complaints by stretching out a discombobulated hand and fervently opening and closing his fingers to emulate the movements of Dedede's mouth.
"You shall be a sacrifice to the noble Master Crown!" Magolor declared in a regal voice that admittedly suited Taranza more, before whipping out a gigantic sword that made Dedede go pale.
"Gragh! Someone help! Save me from this madnesssssssss!"
Before Magolor could bring down the Ultra Sword, the king ran for the hills, his cape bellowing in the wind as he screamed.
Magolor held the sword above his head until he was certain that Dedede was gone. "Pssst!" he signaled, "Coast is clear, Kirby."
Kirby smirked as he walked out from the corner, lifting a pink-colored box that was decorated with his likeness off of his still-round body and tossing the disguise aside.
"Nice job, Mags," he whistled, admiring his handiwork as the corner of his mouth curled upwards. "I think Dedede's going to really let me have it when he realizes what really happened."
Magolor chortled. "That's the second person you completely bamboozled and trolled today. How did you get that Square Kirby disguise to work so well?"
"I measured it to fit my dimensions exactly, and then Adeleine did the rest with her paintbrush. It was really just a box costume with slits cut in them until she painted my features onto it."
Magolor cackled. "Figures," he purred, before dropping his faux politeness as ecstatic glee crept into his voice. "So, who should we prank next?" he asked excitedly.
"Meta Knight." Kirby didn't hesitate in his response. He rubbed his hands together, already looking forward to his next victim. "If we can fool him, the rest of Dream Land will be a breeze!"
Magolor rolled his eyes at the puffball's horrendous 'spring breeze' pun, already flying away before Kirby could stop him. "Gotcha," he concurred, "I'll see you later, Kirby."
Kirby waved at the retreating Halcandran, before letting a genuine smile grace his actual face. "Happy April Fools' Day, King Dedede…" he whispered to the wind before shuffling away.
Not meant to be taken seriously. It is crack, after all.
This is what my brain farted out I came back after a long day of work and saw Square/Cube Kirby all over social media. o.O Like seriously, what the hell. HAL, internet, Nintendo, why would you ever do this oh my god.
Anyway, I literally wrote this nonsense the timespan of one-and-a-half hours, and yeah, this is arguably the most cringey, meme-y, outlandish, and idiosyncratic piece that I will likely ever write for Kirby. Thank the Stars…