Chapter seven -- Why Us?

"I'm going to kill that ungreatful flower," Kate snarled, picking up her wand. "One litte 'Avada Kedavera', and BOOM, no more Sunflower."

Anne sighed and exchanged tired glances with Ein and Kurt. "Well, I hate to say it, but maybe a new mission was his way of telling us 'You won't be transferred about aimlessly like everyone else'?"

Her partner wasn't listening; she was busy digging through her private cabinet, which was two doors down from the one marked 'Poisons L-Z'. "Where is it... AHA!"

"Good AHA or bad AHA?"

"Very good AHA." Kate brought forth a small plastic bag and cut it open with a knife on the counter. "...perfect stress relief!" As she tipped the bag over, dozens of grey seeds spilled into her open palm. Kurt sniffed and licked at one as it fell on the floor.

Anne stared. "...are those sunflower seeds?"

"You bet!"

Ein gave her a bark and whine of disapproval.

"He's right, Kate. If the SO finds out you have those..." Anne crossed her arms. "I don't want to be partnered with someone like Carol again. Maybe someone like Steve or Susan, but not Carol. It'd probably mean I was sent to Slash." She shuddered.

Both dogs' ears flattened at this comment.

"Not anytime soon, guys," she quickly reassured them.

A knock sounded at the hallway door, causing both PPC's to jump. The dogs tilted their heads to the side as Kate opened the door and raised an eyebrow at her partner. Two tall teenagers, one male, one female, entered; the boy, who easily could have been 6'1", had cut his light brown hair to the point of natural spiking, but his blue eyes were squinted in a frustrated glare at his partner. The girl, who had pulled her brown hair into a ponytail, was furiously poking at the boy's shoulder and trying to keep her glasses in place. Kurt and Ein set to work sniffing their legs to see if they were trustworthy people.

"David! Shanna! What're y'all doing here?" Anne exclaimed happily.

David grimaced as Shanna continued to poke him. "Make her STOP," he groaned. "She's been doing that since we left our department!"

"I was trying not to pay attention!" Shanna protested, finally ceasing to poke his shoulder.

Kate gave them a glance once-over as Kurt and Ein proceeded to sniff them thoroughly. "...Anne, who are they...?"

"Oh! Sorry, almost forgot. Kate, this is David and Shanna from the Inuyasha Bad Slash department; David, Shanna, this is my partner, Kate! ...And that's Kurt and Ein passing you through Security."

David bent to pet the two dogs. "Hey, how come you get to keep pets?"

"Because Upstairs frowns more upon bringing back half-/whole-demons, poison insects, and werewolves than two huskies from two different Sues. Besides, we can't leave them in the canon! They don't belong there!"

"You can always shoot the Cute Animal Friends," he offered.

"Yeah, right." Kate grinned. "Can you see HER killing an animal? We already gave a horse to Susan in the Legend of Zelda department."

Shanna cackled somewhat evilly. "I'll take a wild guess that Upstairs doesn't KNOW you have them in your department."

The two exchanged glances and shrugged. "Do they HAVE to know?" Anne asked feebly.

It took a minute for either David or Shanna to respond. "...probably not." David grinned. "They don't know I kept my Gamecube from when I lived in Reality, so if you don't tell, I won't."


"Sounds like you have a call," Shanna noted, coming in second place behind Anne in the 'Stating the Obvious' contest.

Kate frowned and walked back to the console. "We were about to head out on this one before you two came, actually."

"Is it that busy in here?" David asked, peering into one of the poison-containing cabinets before Anne nearly closed it on his nose. "We've hardly been getting any calls lately... I guess people have finally gotten the message."

Anne sighed. "You have no idea. We've had three or four missions in a row with no rest in between! I think Upstairs is trying to torture us for keeping Kurt and Ein." She dug around in a cabinet and brought forth two bowls and another that was a size larger. "Speaking of, what are we going to do for food for these two?" She asked, filling the larger bowl with water for the dogs.

"We could feed 'em Sues," Kate muttered.

"Oh, sure, and take a chance on poisoning them with the Sue-ness germ?"

"How can we feed them to canonical monsters, then?"

Anne thought for a moment and shrugged. "Don't know, maybe they have stronger stomachs?"

Kate, if she had been in an Anime continuum, would have sweatdropped. "Just for that, I'm making you look over the readout."

"Fine, fine..." She crossed the room and sat at the console, tapping buttons to make the screen appear. "Oookay, we have a report from a civilian who calls themself Silver Shadow of Silence... Oh, sweet mother of pearl!" She moaned. "THREE SUES? Wunderbar. Their names are Juu, Nicole, and Tabbi; they're twenty-year-old Canadians who randomly go around singing Contemporary Christian songs." She examined the words for a moment. "...hey, I know that song!"

David peered over her shoulder and grimaced. "Ouch, that looks pretty bad."

With a nod, Anne finished narrating the readout to her partner. "Okay, Juu and Nicole are human, Tabbi is a Hobbit. They're portaled to Middle-Earth when "Sauruman" (S-A-U-R-U-M-A-N) goofs on his spell to bring them as mindless idiots."

"I don't see where he messed up," Kate growled, slinging her backpack over her shoulder. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, lessee... Juu has a katana and two small, sword-like things called tonfas, Tabbi and Nicole have swords, Juu speaks semi-fluent Japanese, and they convince the Fellowship to let them come. There's my half of the charge list right there... Looks like Boromir, Legolas, and Frodo are the victims this time, too."

Kate's eyes flared dangerously. "A Frodo Sue?"

Anne glanced back quickly and scanned the words, trying frantically to find that she had been wrong. "...oh look, good news! It's mainly Boromir, so if we get rid of the Sues quickly, we'll be good to go."

Shanna and David exchanged glances. "What are your dogs going to do while you're gone?" Shanna asked.

"...don't know," Kate commented. "If you guys would like to stay here and keep an eye on them, we'd be much happier when we return to find our response center in one piece."

"I doubt that'll happen anyway." David gave Shanna a stern look. "SHE might break something."

"Hey, I haven't broken anything in a week now!"

"Only because I moved that table before you plowed into it!"

Kate and Anne were simultaneously relieved that they kept good accord with each another. "So, you two are staying?" Anne asked, interrupting their argument.

"Yeah, sure." David flopped down on the couch and watch Kurt and Ein lie down on their side of the room. "We'll find something for food, I guess."

"They ARE looking kinda hungry," Shanna cooed at the dogs, bending down to pet them.

Her partner stared in surprise. "Heck, I was talking about me!"

Anne groaned and tapped in their disguise of choice: orcs. "We'll be going now!" She called into the response center, shaking her head as she opened a portal. "Oy, this will be interesting to see..."


"YATTA! SUGOI! SUGOI!" Juu laughed in japanese as she and her bike sped down the road. "I love this bike, oh God the only thing that would make this better would be if I was with a handsome bishie like Bakura, or even Boromir." Juu foolishly closed her eyes to daydream about Boromir, her favourite character from Lord of the Rings causing her to sigh. Opening her eyes briefly she screamed as she smashed into a brand-new red Ferrari. Luckily she didn't go flying off her bike as one would expect, she just flipped off and over into the backseat of the now stopped car.

Kate gave Anne an inquisitive look. "Okay, why did we portal to Earth instead of Middle-Earth?" She dumped some of her sunflower seeds into her hand and tossed them into her mouth, crunching on them as quietly as she could. "We're kind of sticking out of the scenery, if you didn't notice."

"We're here to build charges."

"Okay... well, what'd she say, then?"

"Yatta, sugoi, sugoi? Beats me, I'm not a Japanese major." Anne scowled and watched Juu's friend come storming towards her. "Bakura isn't that much of bishie material, anyway. Yami Yugi, maybe..."

The female driver growled and spun around glaring at Juu in the back. "For crying out loud Juu this is the third time this week and it's only MONDAY! Do you purposely hit my car or is it some divine fate by God that you must dent my precious car every frickin' day?!" Juu cringed at the verbal onslaught. "Gomen nasai Nikki, I swear I didn't mean to..."

Anne blinked. "How could she have run into it three times this week if it's only Monday?"

"Maybe she hit it twice yesterday," Kate muttered, undelicately spitting the shells onto the ground. This action didn't seem very unorcish, however.

"Could have. And at least I know what she said this time..."

Nicole ran a hand through her thick wavy brown hair and sighed. "Lemme guess you were daydreaming about Bakura again huh?"

Juu blinked and shook her head no grinning. "Nope Boromir!"

"Oiy, Juu no comment!"

"Yami Yugi's still cooler, but at least I know what she sees in Boromir..." Anne waved her Canon Analysis Device at the two and watched the readout with obvious dislike.

[Judith. Human female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]

[Nicole. Human female. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]

Kate glanced behind the Sues and grimaced as she saw a swirling black portal open near them. "There's the portal -- let's get out of here before they see us." She tapped the button on the remote activator in Anne's hand and led her partner through their own portal before she could protest.


As the two sat outside the un-Mary-Sue-ified Council of Elrond, Anne glanced ahead at the words while she waited for Kate to deal out cards for Rummy. "...oh, by the way, we might want to sneak up behind Juu to kill her, unless you brought the sword you took from Nimoƫ."

"Why's that?" Kate asked dryly, examining her cards and spitting out the last bit of the seed shells.

Her partner shrugged casually and followed suit. "Her 'tonfas', as she called them (I have no idea what kind of sword they are, really), are made of pure titanium, and she's used them since she was eight. So... arrows would be a good idea unless you want your sword sliced in two. That's what she does to Boromir's, at least," she added cheerfully.

"Goodie, goodie," she growled, shoving another small handful of seeds into her mouth.

Suddenly, the two cringed in pain as an horrific feeling of evil passed over them. The world around them fazed to black-and-white for an instant, then shuddered itself back to its normal appearance; Anne glanced over at the Council, only to see that everyone's expressions had gone blank. All these events could only mean one thing: a Sue was beginning to take her possession of the Canon. "Here they come," she whimpered.

"...And you shall be called the fellowship of the ring." concluded Elrond. Pippin sighed and glanced up at the sky. "What is that?" The other members of the council turned and looked above only to see two twenty year old girls falling from the sky, quickly followed by two strange red metallic large objects. They were Nicole's new Ferrari, and Juu's Harley Davidson Motorcycle.


"MY FAULT? What do you mean MY FAULT?" Juu screamed back angrily, as she remounted her bike and landed beside Boromir skillfully.

Kate stared. "...did the motorcycle fall faster than she, or am I sensing a plothole?"

"Plothole the size of The Shire," Anne replied sullenly. "I wasn't looking -- it would've given me more of a headache than I have now."

"Oh ya' right it's always..." Nicole didn't get a chance to finish as her car fell into a nearby tree right beside the balcony, followed closely by Nicole herself who managed to land safely in the front.

Another moan escaped Kate. "Cars and motorcycles should only fly in the Harry Potter continuum...!" More shells were spat out onto the ground.

Juu noticing that Nicole didn't finish she added beaming, "Taylor's fault!"

"Is that similar to everything being Jordan's fault?" Anne asked thoughtfully, thinking back on one of her past partners. "He was in this department with me before you came. Everyone joked that, when something went wrong, it was always his fault."

"Where's he now?"

"...well, after being put in Legend of Zelda, I think they finally moved him to one of the Cowboy Bebop departments."

Kate reluctantly waved her Character Analysis Device through the Council, expecting the poor machine to break down and cry in her palm. "Here goes nothing..."

First, to Boromir,

Then to Aragorn,

Next, to Legolas,

The hobbits,
[98.65%! ALL FOUR OF THEM!]


And finally to Elrond...
[Elrond Halfelven. Canonnoncanoncanonnoncanon multiply the square root of a British penguin Auntie Em! Auntie Em! There's no place like Port Royal! They're coming to take me away, haha, they're coming to terminal system errorororrrr...]

With a flash and a puff of smoke, the device died in Kate's hand. Anne could only stare, not sure whether to be in awe or in terror at the sight she'd just witnessed, but instead turned her now disturbed attention back to the scene before them. "That was terrifyingly interesting," she finally declared as her partner put the deceased device away.

Elrond, and Gandalf frowned at the new comers. "Who are you two? How did you get here, and what are those beasts!?" Exclaimed a surprised and angry Elrond. Juu finally took in her surroundings, and responded shocked "I'm not quite sure how I got here to be honest, but am I in Middle Earth?" Elrond's tone softened somewhat and answered, "Why yes, you are in Rivendell."

"She keeps switching formats," Anne noted. "But at least there's more than one paragraph... And I hope you're going to clean those up." She pointed to the small pile of sunflower seed shells on the ground beside her partner. "They're very much non-canonical."

"I'll get them eventually..."

Nicole popped her head out of her car and smirked almost evilly thinking, 'I'm in middle Earth, without Ashley...and that means...LEGOLAS WILL BE MINE!!' Trying not to laugh, Nicole cautiously opened her door closest to the council, and quickly slid out. Thus causing her to fall into the now ended meeting ungraciously with a loud thump.

"Should've broken her tailbone," Kate snarled.

Juu who was currently trying not to ogle Boromir, while explaining about the portal burst out in laughter. "BWAHAHAHA YOU...YOUAHA... FELL OUT OF THE TREE ON YOUR ARS! HAHAhaha... You should of seen hehe your FACE!"Boromir placed a hand on Juu's shoulder to help her stop laughing, and to prevent her from having a heart attack. "Please milady control yourself, it was not that humourous." Juu looked up at his face and smiled mischievously "Oh but it was, it was..."

"She can't even spell 'arse' right!" Anne resisted the temptation to fire openly into the Council upon the Sues.

"No, you can't shoot them now," Kate muttered, noticing her partner's struggle. "We have to wait until Saruman tries to bring Terri."

"Tabbi," she corrected.

"Whatever." More seeds went into her mouth.

Legolas walked calmly towards the growling/glaring Nicole, and held out his hand to help her up. "Are you uninjured lady...?"

" 'Lady'. How gentlemanly of him," Anne said through a cackle. "Sounds like something young Goku would say!"

Nicole accepted and pulled her self up with his help. "I'm Nicole, just Nicole, but my friends call me Nikki, and you're Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood, right?" The other members of the council that heard, along with Legolas looked at her in confusion. "How do you know my name Lady Nicole?"

"Y'know, I read that wrong the first time," Kate noted. "I thought he'd said "How do you know my name is Lady Nicole?". Made for an entertaining double-take..."

"Ever thought about the shell-less seeds?" Anne asked, glancing again at the pile of shells. "They'd be better clean-up."

"Yeah, but where's the fun if you just eat 'em?"

Nicole looked up into his handsome face, and stared into his eyes smiling. "Me and my friend Juu over there, know all about you guys, and this world. Your whole entire word, your reality is all a fraud it's a series of books created by a human authour called J.R.R. Tolkien."

The two PPC's stared. "Does she think this is The Matrix or something?!" Anne cried.

"At least she didn't say they're a part of a computer program," Kate muttered. "And she spelled 'author' wrong..."

"How can she misspell 'author', but get all the long words right on the first try?"


Everyone in the room minus Juu, who was currently grinning from ear to ear were taken aback in utter shock. Gimli narrowed his eyes "Your lying lass, this is a jest." Juu shook her head no, and pulled off her backpack. Opening it up she pulled out her Lord of the Rings book set, along with the book The Hobbit. "See these are the books, The Hobbit is actually the book that Bilbo wrote in this time, while the Lord of the Rings box set is all about the travels the fellowship takes to destroy the ring. I can't let you see that one of course, because it could mess up what happens in the future. Demo, you can see The Hobbit if you like." Bilbo scuttled over and grabbed the said book out of her hand and began to read it, paling considerably with each sentence he read. "My dear, this is my book. These two young ladies are not lying." Nicole laughed and said "We told you!" as everyone in the room went silent.

Anne rested her forehead in her hand and moaned again. "Sure, bring the books with you -- no one's going to be curious and go digging through your backpack to learn the future. Nooo, not THEM; they're trustworthy souls..."

"Which is why Boromir tries twice to take the Ring," Kate added. "And why Pippin steals the Pilantir from Gandalf in Return of the King."

"Exactly my point." Anne opened a portal and motioned for them to leave. "Can we go before she makes the Hobbits all cute and adorable-like? That makes me absolutely sick."

"Sure. Maybe we should start bringing barf bags on missions with us..."

"I'll look into it."


The two orc PPC's tumbled out of the portal outside of a large dining hall, which seemed different from the last three times they had been there. "Y'know, I think every Sue has their own idea for the appearance of the dining hall," Anne said thoughtfully. "And the third Sue should be coming in for a landing right about--"

Somewhere inside, Frodo yelped in surprise and a chair loudly toppled over backwards.

"--now," Kate finished for her partner, who was trying to peer in one of the windows. "...well, aren't you going to read her?"

"Right, right, getting there." Anne weakly waved her device at the new Hobbit, who was currently laying on top of Frodo.

[Tabbi. Female Hobbit. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]

"Yup, that's her." Kate drew an arrow and examined the tip. "Should we get them now, or wait until later?"

"Later. And who said you could have them?" Anne demanded.

She grinned. "I at least get the Frodo Sue."


Juu and Nicole stood up quickly recognizing who it was, and ran to the fallen side of the ring bearer, and Tabbi. Juu, seeing their position bellowed angrily. "TABBI YOU BAKA GET OFF FRODO-SAN!"

Nicole just giggled, and helped the two up. However her giggling turned into full blown laughter as she noticed Tabbi's new size. "Tabbi your. . .your . . . SHORT! You look, I mean your shorter than me and Juu! You're even shorter than the hobbits!"

"Hey, Anne, she's catching up to you in the 'State the Obvious' contest!" Kate snickered, ignoring the glare from her partner.

Juu blinked, noticed this and smirked. Her smirk quickly turned into a grin, which turned into a smile, which eventually ended up with her falling on the ground laughing hysterically while pointing at Tabbi. The one who used to rub in their shortness was now shorter than them.

Tabbi was in shock, not only was she extremely short now, but she was no longer in Canada. Heck, she was no longer on Earth, the real world. In shock Tabbi turned around and came face to face with Frodo. Recognizing him as her favourite character she promptly passed out, back on top of him. AT least this time he caught her, and they both didn't fall over.

Juu got back up with the help of Boromir, which was a complete waste of time because Juu just ended up laughing in and clinging to a now blushing Boromir's chest. Nicole rolled her eyes, and picked Tabbi out of Frodo's arms not gently. Shaking Tabbi like crazy, Nicole screamed in her ear "BLONDIE WAKE UP!"

Tabbi awoke and looked t Nicole and sighed, pulling Nicole's hands off of her she glanced at Frodo and blushed thinking, 'Well at least I won't have to worry about the height difference now.' Trying not to hyperventilate, she walked up to Frodo slowly. "Uh . . . I . . .I am sorry for falling on you like that . . . twice. My name is Tabbi by the way and I'm one of their. . ." Tabbi paused to point out a giggling Juu and an unamused Nicole. "Ugly moronic friends."

"Modest or desperate for attention?" Anne asked, not taking her eyes from the scene.

"More towards the last one, probably."

Before Frodo could even respond Juu stopped laughing, turned and flicked Tabbi in the ear. "No dissing yourself, you KNOW the rules!"

Tabbi rubbed her ear in pain. "Can't I diss myself? It's the truth!" This small outburst ended up with Juu and Nicole both flicking Tabbi on each ear, thus making Tabbi drop the subject quickly.

Frodo smiled slightly at the scene. 'These girls get stranger by the minute, and that new arrival Tabbi . . . look just like blonde hobbit with her size. She is pretty though, I wonder why she called herself ugly?' Frodo was taken out of his thoughts when he heard Tabbi asking to be able to join them as well on the quest, and the loud choruses of "yes" by Gandalf, Gimli, Aragorn, Boromir and Legolas.

Anne and Kate shared a collective snarl.

Juu turned towards Frodo and spoke softly, "Do you mind if we all tag along? You're the ring bearer it's really up to you."

The three other hobbits, Sam, Pippin, and Merry pushed their ways through the crowd and made their way to Frodo quickly. "We've decided that you three girls can come along now. I guess you can fight too as well." Merry inquired pointing to the shortened Tabbi, who simply nodded in response.

"Aren't they so CUTE?" Kate mocked in a squeal similar to the Sues' voices.

Anne massaged the bridge of her nose. "Yes, deplorable--I mean, adorable."

Frodo spoke up smiling warmly at the three Canadians, "Yes I don not see anything wrong with them coming, they have proved themselves to be able to take care of themselves, and their knowledge will be helpful. I say they come." Nicole, Juu, and Tabbi high-fived each other in excitement.

"Can we PLEASE just port to Balin's Tomb, capture them, charge them, and kill them before anyone notices that they're gone?" Anne moaned. "PLEASE? All we miss is Juu getting drunk and Boromir taking her back to his room... I'm sure we CAN miss that, right?"

Kate sighed, taking one last fleeting look at the Hobbits. "Not that far, though. If we find a period in which they're walking, we could further the charge list and not have to suffer through much more..."

"Good enough for me!" Anne quickly portalled out, followed by her partner.


Anne sighed. She hated the walking sections... they had followed the Fellowship since Rivendell, and after a while, she lost track of time and allowed her mind to wander. 'Maybe it'll go by faster if I don't pay attention,' she thought hopefully. '...or maybe it's just that way in the halls...'

Fifteen hours later, the fellowship was ten hours on the road. "I can't go on . . . must rest gonna die . . ." Tabbi moaned as she dragged her small tired feet across the ground.

Frodo glanced in Tabbi's direction in sympathy, it was obvious Tabbi wasn't used to long treks like this. "It's all-right deary you will make it. It truly is all in your head. But, if it really is hard for you walking this long, maybe you shouldn't have come along. We've only been walking for a few hours since out last stop."

Tabbi sighed, "I know but I'm not used to walking this long at one time. Besides I'm still not used to this height yet. With these tiny legs it's a lot harder for me to keep up with everyone. I'm simply not used to it."

Merry bounced up beside her, "It's not so terrible, you'll eventually get used to the nonstop walking, and hiking."

Tabbi shrugged, and leaned her head on Frodo's shoulder as she walked. "I can't do this! I'm to fight, not to walk!"

"I'll show YOU a fight," Kate snarled.

Anne sighed. "Down, Bessie," she muttered in her best Mushu imitation.

Frodo smiled at the gesture and answered, "Well we're due to stop for the night soon any ways so do not worry."

Hearing all the hobbit, and hobbit look alike talk behind her Juu laughed and turned around walking backwards. Looking down at the now much shorter girl Juu added cheekily, "Come on ya' pansy get those knees up! Suck it up, maybe you should have stayed in Rivendell, or at least get new shoes. Walking in heels can't be good for you."

Tabbi rolled her eyes. "Ah shut up JUDITH."

Kate muttered something along the lines of, "Hobbitsdon'twearshoes."

"Don't worry, we'll kill her first," her partner reassured her somewhat nervously. "...hey, look! If we portal to where they're at the mines, we don't miss anything!"

"We would've missed the Hobbits wearing shoes statement."

"...yeah, true, but this way we can kill them sooner."

"You said that last time."

Anne hesitated. "I did?"

"Yes, you did."

"...well, we'll be closer than now to killing them. How's that?" She opened another portal and passed through with her partner in tow, only to find that they were outside of the mines of Moria. "Darn it, I thought I set it for later than this...!" She growled something more to herself and sat down heavily on a nearby rock. "At least we get a show out of the deal."

Juu twitched slightly fearful of the water. "Nikki, T-Chan, let's just tell them and get in the cave. I really don't want to get wet."

Boromir looked down at her confused, "Wet?"

"White shirt."

Anne and Kate simultaneously snorted.

"Ah I see . . . Why are you worried about getting wet, it is not as if we will be going swimming."

"There's a giant evil squid thing in the water." Juu replied as if saying the weather.

"Oh ok . . . "Boromir paused then squawked out when it hit him, "WHAT?! WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO!?"

Juu cringed, "Didn't think you really needed to know."

Aragorn sighed and rubbed his temples, feeling a head ache coming along. "I really don't understand you three."

Tabbi grinned up at him. "Good! Your not supposed to!"


Five minutes later Juu couldn't take the waiting any longer. "THAT'S IT NO MORE WAITING! The passy is; MELLON!" Juu screamed impatiently as the doors of Moria swung open. The fellowship blinked at Juu's random outburst, but came into the mine nonetheless. Walking in Legolas's eyes widened, "This is no mine, it's a tomb!" Sure enough the mine was littered with rotted away dwarf bodies and skeletons. Upon closer inspection Legolas noted that it was the work of orcs.

Gimli seeing this whispered sadly, "No . . ."

Nicole turned around to glance back at the lake, seeing it begin to ripple she spoke up panic evident in her voice. "Hey, let's get going! The psycho squid thing is like, well uh . . . WAKING UP!"

"It's a WATCHER," a voice snapped angrily.

The three Sues jumped and turned in mid-flee, peering through the darkness to see who had spoken. "Did you hear something?" Tabbi asked, shivering.

"Did you hear voices from the dwarf spirits?" Aragorn asked sarcastically.

"Shut up, Mr. Kingly Pants," Juu snapped back.

Nicole squinted in an attempt to see into the shadows. ", I heard it... it didn't sound like a dwarf."

"Smart move, genius," a new voice growled.

"Well, you'd be mad if they went after Frodo with the short jokes!" The first voice protested. Two orcs stepped out from the shadows, both with arrows drawn and ready to fire. "Will the three girls among you please step forward?"

Boromir stepped in front of Juu protectively. "Run," he whispered to her.

"I wouldn't advise that," the second orc said loftily. "We'll kill Boromir, Legolas, and Frodo if you three refuse."

Juu pushed past Boromir without glancing back at him. "What do you want, demon," she snarled.

"Charge 'em, Anne," the second muttered.

Anne took another step forward, not moving her arrow, and grinned evilly. "Juu, Nicole, and Tabbi; y'all are hereby charged with the crimes of bringing a motorcycle and a Ferrari into the Council of Elrond, interacting with the characters of Elrond, Bilbo, the Fellowship, and Saruman (inadvertantly); misspelling "Saruman", bringing non-Middle-Earthean weapons to Middle-Earth, making a Hobbit wear shoes, giving away the password to Moria, exchanging the characters' lines, joining the Fellowship, knowing the future of the Fellowship, calling Aragorn 'Mr. Kingly Pants', and being Mary Sues." She took another breath and looked back at the three girls. "Any last words?"

Nicole and Tabbi stepped in front of Juu. "Just don't hurt these guys," they pleaded in unison. "They're vital to the mission!"

Kate shrugged. "Okay. FIRE!" The arrows pierced the two through their necks, killing them instantly.

Juu stared for a moment before falling to her knees in horror. "You monsters!" She roared.

"Save it, sweetie," Anne snarled, drawing another arrow. She was forced to stop, however, when Boromir unsheathed his sword and charged her. "Oh, CRUD! KATE, HELP!" She drew her own sword and blocked his blow in time. "Get her, and hurry!"

Kate hurriedly armed her bow again and aimed. "Keep him back," she ordered calmly. "Juu, if you know what's good for you, don't move."

She stood still, unwavering. "I'm not afraid to die," she growled back.

Anne let out a cry of pain as the tip of Boromir's sword slashed her upper arm. "HURRY!" Just as she spoke, her partner let the arrow fly and struck the Sue between the eyes. Anne fell back on her rear, cowering as the blade came towards her... and stopped, just before it colided with her head.

"You okay?" Kate asked, helping her to her feet.

"Yeah. Let's just get out of here before they come around..." Anne glanced at the Fellowship, who were beginning to look as if they knew what they were doing. "Let's just throw the Sues to the Watcher on the way out." She hissed as she ran a hand over the bloody gash on her arm. "That'll be an interesting scar..."


After feeding their favorite canonical monster, the two PPC's returned to their response center to stop the flow of blood from Anne's arm. When they entered, David and Shanna were surprised to see them. "We didn't know you'd be back so soon!" Shanna exclaimed happily, oblivious to the girl's injury.

David made a face. "What'd you do, lose a fight with a Warg? That looks pretty bad..."

Anne shook her head and tried to grin. "They always look worse than they really are," she began, but yelped loudly as he put a warm, wet rag on the large gash. "ITTAI, that HURT!"

"It'll help clean it," Kate called, pulling her head out of the medicine cabinet. "Geez, Anne, you make more of a fuss over this than a Sue..."

Her partner flushed an embarassed shade of red. "Okay, next time YOU get to fight off the enraged boyfriend, then! Boromir's DEADLY, I tell you!"

Shanna fidgeted. "Do you need to go to the hospital wing, Anne?"

"I doubt it, really. Once the bleeding stops, I'll be fine... I think."

Kate grinned. "You're just afraid of the doctor there."

"Have you SEEN the size of the needles he has in there?" She exclaimed. "No way, not me."

David gave an exasperated sigh. "Well, if you don't want to go there, I know someone who can help..."


Kate rapped her knuckles on the door of the Pirates of the Caribbean department and gave David a skeptical look. "You're sure about this?"

"Yeah, my older sister works here," he replied casually. "She was in the hospital wing for almost a year before the SO moved her here."

Anne moaned. "Great. Just when I thought I'd gotten away from doctors..."

"Oh, you'll be fine," Shanna promised.

The door opened, which took the four by surprise. A girl about Kate's height stood there, her hand in mid-run through her short brown hair, giving David a confused look. "Wow, we don't get this many visitors often. Hi! I'm ET!"

Anne would've extended a hand to her, but instead grinned back. "I'm Anne, and this is Kate. We're from the Lord of the Rings Mary Sue department -- your brother somewhat dragged us here."

"David," ET scolded. "What did you and Shanna do NOW?"

"Nothing!" He protested, pointing at Anne's injured arm. "She had a bad encounter with Boromir, and she doesn't like the hospital wing. Could you fix her arm?"

His sister leveled a stare at him. "You know how to do it -- why couldn't you?"

David gave her a very annoyed and embarassed glare.

Kate rolled her eyes. "Oh, our knight in shining armor..."

ET immediately brightened. "Oh well. Sure, I'll help. PATRICK!" She shouted over her shoulder. "WHERE'D I LEAVE MY FIRST AID KIT?"

"On the console," a voice shouted back. "What did David do this time?"

"NOTHING!" David moaned, exasperated.

Shanna patted him on the shoulder. "Poor David -- always being picked on..."

"Yeah, by you," he muttered.

"...oh yeah, that's right!"

Anne's note: Ouch. How come I get caught defending myself from Boromir? ...oh well, we got to meet ET, so all is good.

Three bloody Sues... Thank you, Silver Shadow of Silence, for showing this one to us! Luckily, we managed to kill them before Nicole brought out her lightsaber, or Tabbi and Juu their guns. Good heavens, I think the author saw the Matrix before she wrote this! Normally I'd try to advise you to read the fic we bashed, but this time, I just can't. The beginning is almost funny, but it's pretty bad after that.

Hee hee... Hey, ET, I hope you like our choice of partner for you! *cackles evilly*

Kate's note: Lucky for me that I didn't have to read very much of this one. Seriously -- bringing the books to Middle-Earth isn't a smart idea. Then again, neither is going as a Sue in the first place, but that's just my opinion.

I agree with Anne, though: if you can, avoid the real fic. It was the author's first (poor dear), and it needed some work. Yuck.