Chapter eight -- Ari


ET gave an exasperated sigh, and for an instant, the resemblance between she and David was uncanny. "Hold STILL!" She exclaimed. "Yes, it's going to sting, but you'll be okay!"

Anne made a face and rolled her sleeve up further on her shoulder. "I was trying to hold still!"

"And failing miserably," Kate added, obviously enjoying herself.

"You get to battle the Sue's boyfriend next time..."

"Maybe you'll be lucky and only have to fend yourself from a Hobbit," Shanna commented, shifting positions on the couch.

Patrick, ET's partner, shook his head. "If it's anything like fighting off an intoxicated Jack Sparrow, you'd be surprised..." He pulled up his shirt a bit to show a horizontal scar that stretched across his stomach. "He's still deadly when he's drunk."

David shrugged and held up his right arm to the light, admiring the assortment of scars he'd gathered. "...half-demons are worse, especially when they lose their sword and start to use their claws."

With another more calming sigh, ET took out a roll of bandages and started to cover the wound on Anne's arm. "I'm almost done," she assured her patient. "I just have to tie this off... there!"

Anne examined ET's work and grinned. "Great! Now, how long do I have to wait to use my weapons again?"

"Not long," the older girl began casually. "You know, a day, a week, something like that."

Kate and Anne stared at her. "A WEEK?"

"It would've been longer without the medicine I used," ET protested. "Can't you take the killing part of the missions for a while, Kate?"

"How do I kill a Sue and fend off the angry Fellowship at the same time?" She exclaimed, frustrated. "We need her to be able to fight now, with all the assignments that've been coming in lately!"

Shanna gave a meek grin. "That reminds me," she interjected quietly, "another call came in while you two were gone."

Everyone stared at her in disbelief for an instant, then set into their own individual reactions: Anne moaned and put her head in her hands, Kate began beating her forehead against a doorframe, and David, Patrick, and ET merely shook their heads.

"Wunderbar," Anne groaned. "Let's just go, Kate. We need to see how bad the call is this time..." She rose from her seat and gave a small bow for ET and Patrick. "Thanks for helping, we muchly appreciate it!"

Kate nudged her with her elbow. "Is 'muchly' a word?" She asked in a whisper.



"Darn it, she was right." Kate frowned as she opened the call on the console. "...what the cheesecake...?"

Anne blinked. "Well, never heard that one before. Why the exclamation of bewilderment?"

"A platypus sent us this call."

"...WHAT?" She quickly peered over Kate's shoulder and read to herself for a moment, then shook her head. "Hmm, a civilian who calls herself The Noble Platypus. Stranger things have happened, I guess. What did she send us, who is the Sue, and how bad is the fic?"

"Her name is Ari, and... oh, EGADS..."

Kurt and Ein sniffed curiously at the console, as if wanting to know why Kate had let out a moan.

"Let me guess: her life story includes more than six adoptions by various humans/Hobbits/Elves?" Anne asked casually, glancing around for the remote activator. "Or maybe she was raised by various rodents and has a strange talking face on her tongue..."

"Close." Kate frowned, ignoring her partner's latter comment. "She's a foster child who doesn't know her real parents, her foster father is killed in a car accident before the fic starts, and her foster mother becomes an abusive drunk after this. The kids at school constantly tease her about her odd, pointed ears, though her foster parents never seem to notice."

"She's an Elf and doesn't know it? How bizarre is THAT...?"

"About as bizarre as the love triangle she has going on."

"Great. Who is it?"

Kate shook her head and sighed. "Legolas and Elladan are all over her. That spells trouble from the start."

Anne growled. "It reeks of three off-the-chart character ruptures, if you ask me. What in the name of all things holy and unholy in Middle-Earth does she think she's doing?!" She nabbed her wand and swung her backpack over her left shoulder. "I've got my gear. Ready?"

"I don't know, are you sure you can handle this?"

She grinned as she slipped into a British accent. "It's only a flesh wound!"


Anne scoffed and turned to their disguise console. "It's just a bloody scratch, I'll be FINE. What guises this time; Orcs, Uruk-Hai, or Elves?"

"She seems partial to Elves," Kate said absently, scanning over the fic once more.

"Jawohl, herr Kommandant!" Anne grinned at the reaction she received. "...what?"

Her partner merely shook her head. "I'm not going to ask, so PLEASE don't tell me."

"Just because you never watched Hogan's Heroes..."


The two PPC's portalled out into a heavily wooded area (which brought forth a bit of agitated muttering from Anne), arriving in time to see Legolas creeping towards a sleeping teenage girl. Anne and Kate dug in their bags for their devices, but Anne was quicker on the draw.

[Ari. Female Elf. Non-canon. Mary Sue.]

With a triumphant "Aha, I finally found it!", Kate waved her Character Analysis Device towards Legolas.


"These Sues are getting in the habit of character ruptures," she noted quietly.

Anne grunted. "Do tell. Take a look at the words..." She read aloud to her partner, who was enjoying herself by watching the scene play out as it was read.

"(Legolas' point of view) I was walking through the forest on my way to Rivendell to visit Elladan and Elrohir, when I thought I saw someone sleeping on the ground. So I went to investigate.

When I got there I saw a sleeping beauty. She had long white blonde hair, and had a skirt on that was a weird material (LEGOLAS DOESN'T SAY "WEIRD"!), in fact all her clothes were a bit odd. Nothing that he (...what the heck? She broke narration...) had seen anyone wearing before. I could tell she was an elf though.

As I got closer I noticed she had a bruise on her face and some cuts and bruises on her hands, arms, and legs. She also looked as if she was alone and in trouble.

So I knelt down next to her to get a better look at her and to wait until she woke up so I could talk to her."

Kate blinked. "Okay, why is she covered in cuts and bruises?"

"Well... the bruise on her face is a result of a slap from her foster mother, and I guess the other cuts and stuff are from walking in the woods. Honestly, I don't remember and I'm too lazy to check the words. ...whoo, look at this."

" ~*~*~*~*Ari's POV*~*~*~*~ "

It was a moment before Kate laughed. "I guess she thinks it looks 'prettyful' or something."

"Yeah." Anne looked thoughtful. " 'prettyful' kind of like 'insanerest'? You know -- insane, insaner, insanest, insanerest?"

"You've got to stop hanging around Steve..."

[Ari's narration] I woke up to find someone kneeling down next to me. I gasped and sat up quickly and backed away from him. My back ended up hitting the tree I was sleeping next to and I realized I was trapped.

He then spoke in a language that I had never heard before. I looked at him confused and he then he spoke in English, "Are you okay? How come you don't know our language?"

Anne snarled. "He does not use idioms in that manner. 'How come' is too slang for an Elf!"

"Y'know, I always hated idioms; maybe because I had to learn idioms in Latin class for three years." Kate gave a shrug. "Everything just seems harder when it's in Latin."

"Shh, she's talking again!"

"Besides a few cuts and bruises yes I am fine. I don't know your language because I have never learned it let alone heard it."

"Hey, she writes the way Steve does!" Anne covered her mouth as she suppressed her cackles into snickers.

Then I noticed his ears were pointy. Just like mine. I had never seen anyone that looked like me. I gasped again and then the world went black.

~*~*~*~*Legolas' POV*~*~*~*~

"Aww, look at the prettyfulness!"

"Shut up, Anne..."

When she passed out I caught her before she hit the ground. I then stood up with her in my arms and headed towards Rivendell. It was still about a week's journey to Rivendell though, on foot that is.

"Of course he's on foot -- there wasn't a horse mentioned, was there?"

Anne shrugged. "I didn't see anything. But then again, Legolas rides into Rivendell in The Fellowship, if I'm not mistaken."

With a grimace and a glare (both directed at the now-unconscious Sue), Kate shoved her analysis device back into her bag and raised an eyebrow at her partner. "Well?"

"...deep hole with water in it. Do you dig it, man?"

"Ha ha. Are we 'porting or walking?"

Anne sighed. Her sense of humor just seemed so unappreciated... "Portalling, I guess, because she doesn't say how long she's unconscious, she only says that she wakes 'around noon'. Of course, it's not like she'd know offhand, but most people tend to ask how much time will have passed in their mental absense."

"...I'd probably agree with you, but you've lost me."


I woke up around noon to find the man that I had seen earlier, carrying me. He had long blonde hair, not quite as blonde as mine though, and part of it was pulled back behind his head in small braids. He had light blue eyes and looked to be around maybe 6'2 or 6'0. He reminded me a lot of Legolas from Lord of the Rings. But he can't be because LOTR is just a story. I could be dreaming though but I know I am not dreaming.

"Save me," Anne squeaked rather painfully, covering her head in horror. "I'm being nibbled to death by the duck that is her diologue!" She writhed about for a moment, careful not to fall out of the tree that was their hiding place, before regaining her composure.

Kate stared at her fearfully, unsure of what to make of her partner's terrified statement, but finally decided not to say anything for fear of Anne moaning something more horrific than before.

I squirmed in his arms and he put me down and stopped walking. "Now that you are awake we can talk." He sat down and I did the same. "My name is Legolas Prince of Mirkwood. What is yours?"

I was shocked when he said that he was Legolas. THE LEGOLAS! But I put my shock aside and answered him, "My name is Ari."

"Is The Legolas related to The Cheat?"

"No, but he IS related to a plothole," Kate commented lightly. "He and Legolas Prince are twin brothers."

"Why are you dressed like that Ari? And where are you from?"

"I am from America and this is the way they dress there."

"You are not from Mirkwood, or Rivendell, or Lothlorien?"

"Well, for all I know I could be. The family I lived with in America was only my foster family. I have never met my real parents. I have no clue what they even look like."

Anne started to say something about Legolas having never heard of America before, but thought better of it and instead bit her lip in frustration.

"Did you live with elves though?"

"No, I lived with humans. I always thought I was one. I was never told otherwise. I always wished I was an elf though."

"Well, you are an elf. Didn't you ever wonder why you had pointy ears and none of the humans did?"

"Well, yeah, but where I am from there are no elves just humans. Elves are in fairy tales. I always thought they weren't real."

"Well as you can see elves are real." I then reached out to touch his ear and when I did he leapt backwards with a yelp. I then looked at him awkwardly. I wondered why he looked as if I just drove a knife through him.

"Also elves ears are sensitive. I am sure you knew that."

"Oh yeah. Oops."

Kate scowled. "I'm sure it just slipped her mind. Wouldn't she know not to touch his ears after someone touched her own?"

"Maybe no one touched hers because they thought they'd catch her disease," Anne muttered darkly. "I'm not one to support racism, but I think she took the pity-me factor a bit far." She paused and ran her tongue over her lip, then frowned. "I think I bit too hard -- my lip is bleeding."

"That was brilliant."

He then stood up, "That's alright. We should keep going now. It is still about a weeks journey to Rivendell."

I stood up and looked at him, "We are going to Rivendell?"

"Yes, we are. I am going to visit some friends there." He then handed me a piece of some kind of bread as we kept walking. I think the bread is lambas.

"And I think the Sue is brainless. What say ye?" Anne scornfully picked at the branch on which she sat, breaking the pieces of bark between her fingers. "She's bloody annoying, too."

Kate sighed. "They all tend to be. Are we following them, or porting to Rivendell?"

Her partner let out a sigh as she glanced over the words. ", let's just go to Rivendell. We don't miss much, anyway. Listen:

'Almost a week later we were a day away from Rivendell. Legolas and I were very good friends now. I had never had such a good friend as Legolas. Even Gab, Josh, and I didn't have such a good friendship. The three of us had always been friends but never best friends though. So I didn't know what it was like to have a really good friend until now. I am now happier than I have ever been.

'Legolas had taken care of my cuts and bruises and they are now gone. Not one is left. Not even the bruise that had been on my face was left.'


Kate, wondering why Anne had felt the need to read the words to her since they both could see, merely shrugged and gestured for an open portal. "Let's go, then. The sooner we get there, the sooner we can leave."


Legolas and I arrived in Rivendell the very next day. Rivendell is beautiful. And the nature that surrounds it makes it even more beautiful. Rivendell seems to have rivers all around it and even some waterfalls. And then the House of Elrond looks just it does in the movie.

Anne and Kate, keeping a short distance behind the two, groaned to themselves and each muttered different curses at the Sue.

When we arrived, we were greeted by many elves. One with long dark hair and brown eyes started to walk towards us. He looked to be royalty. I would guess he is Lord Elrond.

"She's absolutely brilliant," Anne snarled, standing behind a crowd of Elves. "If she's even seen the movie, she would know how the movieverse Elrond looks..."

Kate shrugged. "Well, when she ran into Legolas, she didn't recognize him completely... maybe she's having a memory lapse."

"How can she lose what she doesn't have?"

He stopped in front of us and looked at Legolas, "Legolas it is good to see you again." Then he turned to me, "And who are you?"

This guy gives me the creeps. He looks scary. "My name is Ari, sir," I replied to his question.

"My name is Lord Elrond. Where are you from?"

Before I could answer Legolas answered for me, "She is from another time. When all that lives on the world are humans. She lived with a foster family. She does not know her real parents."

There was some silence (nearly thwarted by Anne, who had have subtle physical restraint in order to keep from shooting the Sue in the head) and then Elrond answered, "You have no memory of your parents? You do not remember them at all?"

"No my lord."

"We will just have to look for your parents then," he said.

"That is not necessary, my lord, "I answered.

"Please call me Elrond. And I am very willing to look for your parents. It will not be that hard. I can tell just by looking at you that you are a Lothlorien elf. And I know the Lord and Lady of Lothlorien. I will send a messenger and see."

I was shocked. Lately I have been getting shocked a lot though. Elrond barely knows me and he is already helping me find my parents. I guess elves are a lot nicer than humans.

"I guess her foster parents were absolutely horrid to her, then, if she's never met a kind human." Anne rubbed her arm briskly as an act of impatience, but winced as the action aggrivated her bandaged injury. "Bloody arm... I wish I could kill this one."

"And take a chance on hurting yourself even worse? Yeah, right. I'LL take this one." Kate frowned. "You'll just have to find some sort of stress relief until that heals."

"Darn you. ...hey, I just noticed that everyone else is speaking English. Why aren't they speaking Elvish like Legolas was in the beginninng?" She glanced around and raised her eyebrow in curiosity. "Hmm, I smell a charge..."

Kate shrugged. "Go figure. I guess she forgot, therefore she loses the point I gave her for that.

Annd frowned as she looked back towards the sue. "Well, Elrond's left already. Grab the hardhats and brace yourself for more painful dialogue..."

I then wondered how Elrond new I was a Lothlorien elf, "Legolas, how come Lord Elrond knew I was a Lorien Elf just by looking at me?"

"Well, I am not quite sure because I have never been to Lothlorien but I know they have all have blonde hair."

Kate scowled. "So Legolas must be from Lothlorien, too, because HE has blonde hair."

"Can't I kill her?" Anne begged.


As we were walking away two elves that looked a lot like Elrond and not to mention identical came running towards Legolas. I guessed them to be Elladan and Elrohir. But it is too hard to tell them apart. They look a lot like Lord Elrond but younger and a lot more handsome.

Anne twitched uncontrollably. "Commas! They go in the middle of sentences! They join complex sentences together so that they're not run-on sentences!" Luckily, no one heard or noticed her.

Legolas and the twins greeted each other like old friends. Hugging each other in the manly way I guess you would put it. Then Legolas introduced us, "This is Elrohir." Legolas pointed to the one elf. "And this is Elladan." He pointed to the other elf. "And this is Ari."

Then the one Legolas said was Elrohir spoke, "The way to tell us apart is Elladan is the one who is always playing jokes on people with Legolas." I laughed at that.

Kate gave a curious noise. "Y'know, Legolas didn't strike me as a mischeivous elf. Charge her with it?"

"Sure." Anne sighed and watched the elves finish their conversation, which included Ari, Legolas, and Elladan breaking out into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. "We have nothing to do until tomorrow -- do you want to scootch on ahead or wait it out?"

Her partner went deep into thought for a moment, then shrugged. "We could actually get a good night's sleep if we waited through it..." she muttered, toying with the option in her mind. "It sounds tempting."

"Sounds good to me, since the sun's already going down. Let's go find somewhere to set up camp."


The next day, Anne and Kate awoke to find the midday sun shining down on them. "Dang, I guess it HAS been a while since we actually had a chance to sleep," Kate muttered. "C'mon, they should be down near the... 'lake', wherever that is. My sense of direction is bad in the morning."

"But it's not morning," Anne pointed out.

"You know what I mean!"

The two PPC's made their way around Rivendell in search of the Sue and her three elven companions, and after getting lost and finding a library in an area they had never seen before, they managed to find whom they had been searching for next to a possibly non-existent lake. Kate watched the four talk for some time, while Anne, absorbed in a book she had snatched out of the found library, was ignoring the whole scene.

"You're not paying attention," Kate finally hissed at her. "I thought you were doing the charge list!"

Anne nodded absently and turned a page. "Yeah, sounds fine. Go ahead."

Her partner gave an exasperated sigh and turned back just in time to see the three elves dive into the lake wearing only their leggings. She made a strangled squawking noise and ducked her head; she took a wary glance at the words, then breathed a sigh of relief as she read that the following scene was indeed safe to watch. As Ari undressed to her shift and jumped in after them, Kate couldn't help but wonder when she and Anne had eaten their last meal...

"Hey, Anne, you hungry?" She asked quietly.

The mention of food brought her attention forward. "Actually, I am. Wanna go snitch something out of the kitchen...?" An evil grin spread across her face, which was almost a frightening sight, truth be told.

"One of us has to work on the charge list."

"...well, I've got enough to satisfy me, but only because I've read ahead. If you'd like to stay, I'll bring you some of whatever I find...!" Before Kate could object, Anne had closed her book, stashed it in her backpack, and jogged off in the direction from which they had come. She merely sighed to herself and shook her head, hoping her partner wouldn't get herself injured worse that she already was...

Twenty minutes passed, and Anne still hadn't returned. Kate nervously checked the sky, the words, and her surroundings before glancing back towards the Sue, wondering what had become of her partner. When thirty minutes had gone by, she stood to get a better view of everything around her, only to have a hundred and twelve pounds of flying elf run smack into her. She cried out and fell backwards with Anne on top of her, who was panting heavily and grasping two leather satchels in a death grip.

"Never... EVER... make the woman in the kitchen mad at you," Anne gasped, managing to pry herself off of her partner.

Kate gave her a wide-eyed stare as she was handed a satchel of food. "...Anne," she began warily, "what did you do this time...?"

She managed a weak grin. "Heh, it's actually kind of funny... um, I kinda figured out that, even though they can't see us, they can still HEAR us..."

"What did you DO?"

"It wasn't MY fault, I swear! That rack of pans came up out of nowhere, I couldn't do anything to keep it from attacking me!"

It was a moment before Kate could say anything, for she was trying to decide if the proper reaction should have been a safety lecture of a fit of hystarical laughter. "...a pan rack attacked you," she said slowly. "Let me guess -- the rest involves pointed objects and being chased out of the kitchen on promise of a painful death?"

Anne shrugged sheepishly. "Pretty close," she admitted with another grin.

"What am I going to do with you?" Her partner asked through a moan. "You're impossible..."

"Hey, I got you food," she protested. "Shouldn't that count for something?"

"Okay, thank you for the food." Kate sighed and opened the bag Anne had given her, checking nervously over her shoulder to see if the Sue had left. "C'mon, we need to hurry; it's almost dinnertime, and according to the words, they're going to be late meeting up with Elrond."

Sure enough, as soon as they had finished their individual servings of food, Elrohir exclaimed, "We are late for dinner!" They watched as the four hurriedly got out of the water, redressed, and trudged off up the hill. Anne and Kate exchanged glances, shrugged, and Anne opened a portal without saying a word.


"So, what's to see here?" Kate asked, looking around.

Anne shrugged and put her remote activator in her pocket. "I dunno, I think it's after dinner... AGH! Sue alert!" The two ducked behind a pillar just before Legolas and Ari walked by, her arm comfortably hooked inside of his. They stopped in front of a doorway that the PPC's assumed to lead to Ari's quarters, looking happy and slightly romantic; Kate threw Anne a cautious look, which was ignored on account of Anne's hateful glares.

When we got to my door. I smiled up at him, "I had a wonderful night. Thank you."

"My pleasure," he replied also smiling.

Then I thought of something, "Why have you acted differently towards me tonight than you usually do? You have treated me as a man would when he courts a woman all of a sudden, when just earlier today you were treating me as a friend would treat a friend. But I don't understand why?" I asked quite confused.

He just kept smiling, "That is because I have realized something today that I did not know a week ago."

I looked at him still quite confused, "And what would that be?" I very curious to see what it was that he realized today that he had not known.

Anne gagged.

He put a loose hair behind my ear, not the act of a friend. "I realized today that I like."

Kate stared. "So what's the end of the sentence? 'I realized today that I like porcupines'?"

"Nah, I wish," Anne moaned.

"What do you mean like me?" I wasn't sure what he meant by it. Maybe I was just being thick headed.

"I mean I like you in more than a friendly way. I like you in a more intimate way. I think I may be even falling for you. But it is to soon for me to know."

Anne scoffed. "Which is why you're telling her. Guys have no tact..."

I stood there stunned by his speech, not knowing what to say. "Goodnight," he said. And then he surprised me even more by leaning in for a quick kiss. But I wasn't disgusted like I thought I would be for my friend to kiss me. I actually liked it. But I didn't know why. I couldn't explain the feelings inside of me. All of the sudden from that one kiss all my feelings for him changed. But I couldn't explain my feelings for him. I wasn't sure what they were exactly.

I looked up at him, "Goodnight Legolas."

"Sweet dreams Ari, " he replied before he turned and started to walk away as I opened the door to my room and went inside and changed for bed.

"Anne, can we get out of here?" Kate groaned, resting her forehead in her hand; when her partner didn't respond, she glanced over to see her wearing a highly confused look. "...what?"

She shook her head. "I don't know what to make of that sentence: he replied before he turned and started to walk away as I opened the door to my room and went inside and changed for bed? Either her sentences are too short or too long, but she can't seem to find a middle-point..."

"So, can we go?"


The portal was opened, and within an instant, the two PPC's found themselves in the blinding sun. It was a moment before they could see clearly, but when they could, they saw that they were outside of the never-before-mentioned-until-this-fic stables.

Kate glanced around at their surroundings, squinting in the sunlight. "Dang, Anne, did you send us back in time or something? It looks like it's early afternoon again..."

"Actually, I sent us to the next day, when the four go horseback riding." Anne frowned. "Of course, the Sue doesn't know how to ride, so she has to buddy-up with Legolas."

"Of course."

"See, they're coming back now."

"Of course."

"Ha, ha. Funny."

Sure enough, as they stood still, they could see three horses galloping towards them and bearing riders. It was a few moments (only after they found a hiding place) until the four riders arrived; Legolas and Ari looked to be in individual states of ecstasy, but Elrohir and Elladan almost looked back to normal. Normal, that is, until Elladan asked Ari to take a walk with him.

Anne moaned. "I have a nack for finding these spots..."

Kate merely grunted back and followed the two elves as they made their way in the opposite direction of the others. Eventually, Elladan pulled her in front of him to speak to her.

"Ari, I like you I really do. With your permission I would like to start courting you."

I was shocked beyond belief. I was torn between Legolas and Elladan. But the thing was I felt nothing other than friendship for Elladan. I would never feel any more than that. That I was sure nothing would ever change, even a kiss.

"I. I. can't. Lego." I stopped myself from saying anymore. "I must go I have to meet someone," I said then turned away and started running leaving behind a confused Elladan.

"Poor baby," Anne snarled. "It's such a hard problem to have, isn't it?"

I went to the gardens and then the tears started to flow. I saw Elrohir and knew he was the only one I could talk to right now. He saw me and immediately came towards me. I ran into his arms and started crying even harder.

"What is wrong?" he asked me.

"I. he. they." I stuttered.

"Sshh. Calm down and then talk."

After a few minutes I had finally calmed down enough to talk to him, "Yesterday Legolas told me he liked me more than a friend. Today I told him I felt the same. Then after the horseback riding Elladan wanted to talk to me. He said he liked me as more than a friend. But I will never feel that way towards him. I will always think of him as just a friend. But I don't want to hurt him by telling him the truth!" I ended up crying all over again.

"You have to tell him the truth eventually. The longer you wait the harder it will be to tell him." I just nodded. "Let's put you to bed. You need some rest." He then led me to my room and put me to bed. I fell asleep crying. I woke up to someone in my room. I saw Legolas sitting on the edge of the bed.

Anne and Kate, feeling their tempers rise toward the Sue, waited outside of the window. It was hard for them to stay quiet, but the knowledge of the fact that they would be heard the minute they said anything helped.

He kissed my cheek, "Elrohir told me you were sleeping that you were really tired. I was worried about you when you didn't show up for dinner." Then he noticed that I had been crying. "Why were you crying, melamin?" (my love)

"I. I.I wasn't crying?" I lied even when it was evident I had been.

"Do not lie to me. It is obvious by your eyes that you have been crying. Why?"

I tried to change the subject, "What does melamin mean?"

"It means my love. Now stop changing the subject and answer me."

"Answer what?" I asked innocently.

"You know very well what I want you to answer. Now answer it before I do something you may not like," he said irritably.

I laughed. Then I frowned, "I still have no clue what you are talking about."

"You asked for it," he said. Then he came down to claim my lips. He climbed on top of me and I didn't protest.

"ALRIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH!" A voice roared from the window. A male elf slammed open the door, one arm wrapped in a bandage, the other clenched in a fist. "YOU! Yes, bloody abnoxious girl in the bed! Get that elf off of you and stand up!"

"ANNE," another elf hissed, coming in after her companion. "What're you DOING?"

"I'm ending this NOW," Anne snapped. "Kate, charge her!"

Kate sighed. "Alright... Ari, you are hereby charged with the crimes of being an elf without realizing it, causing a love triangle between yourself and the characters of Legolas and Elladan, interacting with the characters of Elrond, Legolas, Elrohir, and Elladan; annoying Anne--- ANNE!"

Anne looked innocently back at her partner. "What...?"

"Oh, bother. Where was I...? Oh -- bringing non-Middle-Earthean idioms and slang to Middle-Earth, being inconsistant concerning elven ears, not understanding the full proper use of a comma, and being a Mary Sue."

Ari looked confused. Legolas looked even more confused.

Anne marched over to him, grabbed his arm, and gave him a stern look. "Let's go outside and have a little talk about saving certain things for times post marriage, shall we?" She glanced back at Kate with an evil grin. "She's all yours, mate."

"Glad to oblidge." Kate waited until Anne and Legolas had left, then raised her bow with an arrow aimed at Ari's throat. "Any last words that aren't dramatic or sappy?"

"Can't we talk this out?" She begged. "I'm sure we could talk to Elrond, and--"

"That's LORD Elrond to you," Kate snapped. "And if you're quite finished..." she fired a bulls-eye into the Sue's throat and watched her fall over, dead. "Hmm, that was strangely relieving."

"DONE YET?" Anne shouted from her side of the door. "He looks to be back to normal! Can we go?"


"I hope we can at least get a small nap," Kate moaned as they stumbled into their office, though she did make sure to pet Kurt and Ein when they greeted them at the portal. "I'm tired!"

Anne shrugged and opened the door to the response center, only to see Shanna laying comfortably on the couch. "Um... hi, Shanna," she said with much uncertainty. "Where's David?"

Shanna grinned. "Oh, he's--" she was cut off, however, by the ever-recognizable sound of someone throwing up in the next room. " the bathroom," she finally finished.

"What'd you do to him?" Anne asked frantically, dashing off to see if she could help him.

"Nothing!" The girl protested. "I was just lying here on the couch, he was sitting at the desk -- next thing I know, he's running off to the bathroom with his hand over his mouth!"

Kate winced as they heard David vomit again. "Ugh... what caused it so suddenly?"

Shanna merely shrugged. "I don't know; he was sitting there, a call came in for you guys, and then he ran off. It was kinda weird..."

"Another ca--- oh, NO," Kate groaned, hanging her head in her hand. "Please, PLEASE, don't let it be that bad..." she slowly turned to the console, tapped a few buttons, and read for a moment before the color completely drained from her face. "Oh, NO..." she repeated. "It IS that bad...!"

Sounds of dry heaves and the toilet flushing drifted into the room, and a moment later David and Anne came back into the response center, though David had his arm on Anne's shoulders for support. "I think I'm okay now," he moaned. "I must've chucked everything in my system by now..."

"Shanna, get up," Anne commanded. "He needs to lie down."

Somewhat reluctantly, Shanna did as told and watched him lie down on the couch with her eyebrow raised. "Was it the call that set it off?"

He weakly nodded, wincing painfully as it came to his mind. "Don't look if you're easily disturbed," he warned. "You guys are going to have fun this time..."

Anne, having never learned that it's a wise idea to listen when someone says "don't look," peered over Kate's shoulder at the readout. "It can't be THAT bad," she scoffed.

"It is," Kate said helplessly. "That bad and worse..."

"Can't be as bad as Arsarmw..." she trailed off as she continued reading the words, her face turning a pale greenish shade; then, a gag came from deep in her throat, and she sprinted out of the room, managing to throw open the bathroom door in time. The three cringed when they heard Anne completely lose her lunch into the toilet.

Anne's note: Heh, NOT my kind of fic coming up next. As a matter of fact, neither was this one... *shudders* five hundred miles of bad road. But at least Ari didn't make me pull a liquid laugh! The next one should be interesting... Kate and I refer to it merely as "that fic", and we know what the other is talking about. It's pretty bad.
Many, many thanks to The Noble Platypus for sending us this one! See, you get a gold star! *hands Platy a star-trophy with "Coolest Platypus" engraved on it* But only because you also sent us the next one, too. Whee-hee! I like being busy! *runs off cackling madly*

Kate's note: Oy, I think the weather's changing -- Anne's off-the-wall hyper again.
Ah, well. We enjoyed killing this one! It was kind of hard, considering that she was ALWAYS with a canonical character, but we managed. But I still don't know how we're handling next mission, since Anne is sick AND injured... ANNE, STOP HURTING YOURSELF!
As Anne said, thank yous to Platy, because Anne was getting tired of having to search for fics herself. She was so happy to have two fics sent to her from the same reviewer...