Crisis of Infinite Yellow Part 3: Scarebitch

I tried catching the flaming swamp mountain that flew at me… I failed because it was a massive chunk of the bog that was also on fire, so when I tried to catch it… I sank into the swamp, only from above me instead of below, the meteor itself also continued to fall and sink into the swamp... So I flew up, spitting muck out as I looked up to see a thousand multi-jointed yellow arms emerge from the Scarebeasts unnaturally wide open mouth. These arms were, to put it lightly, disturbing, with numerous elbows and hundreds of meters long, sure they were the size of normal arms, but there were thousands and they all punched me repeatedly until I fell back to the ground… and sank into the swamp. So I flew up again trying to avoid the Scythe claws of the Scarebeast, before a giant Jumbo Jet sized crow showed up to distract me… I got sliced up, pecked, disemboweled, smacked around a bit, and then sank into the swamp…I am sensing a theme here…. And it's reminding me of Monty Python and the Holy Grail... So there was at least a silver lining.

Still, I was not a fan of the taste of swamp water. It tasted like how a dead blobfish looks.

I flew out the swamp for the last time… hopefully and brushed the muck and grime off me as I actually focused on avoiding the attacks. I noticed swarms of yellow rats that crawled from the muck below before they scurried around, stacking on top of each other not unlike the Zombies did in that shitty World War Z movie with Brad Pitt. The rodent pile grew and grew as more rats continued to pile up on top of each other. I focused back to the Scarebeast, who had sent a colony of bats that burst out of his fucking eyes! The quickly bats swarmed me and did a damn good job of obscuring everything beneath their cloud, including the GIANT CROWS, said crows were very good at using their bulk to smack me around. So I was in a state where I couldn't see anything but FUCKING YELLOW… so since I was blind, I might as well return the favor.

I flew up and up as fast as I could and spread my fingers as I placed each hand across the side of my face.

"Solar Flare!" I screamed, and the Scarebeast looked away as the bats seemingly disintegrated by the attack… somehow. Not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. I flew towards the Scarebeast, and as I did I began to activate my Super Giant-Form, which caused me to grow… and grow… and grow, until I was only a bit shorter than the Kaiju Scarebeast itself. Once I reached my Max size, I lashed out with the strongest punch I could manage…. And you know I said IT!

"FALCON PUNCH!" I screamed as I encased my fist in Ki and hit the giant Scarebeast so hard that it actually spun a full turn and fell onto its hands and knees.

Proud of myself, I had forgotten about the swarm of rats, which COVERED THE GODDAMN GROUND AND WERE GNAWING ON MY GIANT LEGS! OW!

At the same time, the giant nameless Yellow abominations above were lashing out with maw and fang covered tentacles that were doing the same thing to my head that the rats were doing to my feet… DOUBLE OW!

I immediately returned to my normal size as the Scarebeast chuckled. It lifted itself off the ground and started shaking in fear… FEAR I WASN'T THE CAUSE OF! FUCK YOUR TOXIN!

"Did you really think I didn't take your ability to turn giant into account."

"Fuck you Scarebitch, This isn't fair… HOW DARE YOU PREVENT THE OBLIGATORY KAIJU DEATH BATTLE!"

"Tough shit!" he said as the bastard lifted his arm which actually began to unravel at the seems to lash out with fucking HUNDREDS of the rotten yellow threads that bound the Scarebeast together.

They whipped around in a chaotic display and turned out to be REALLY FUCKING SHARP! Oh great… It's Fucking Razor Wire…. Joy, I was hoping to get cubed today…. So I fell back to the ground as a bunch of meaty cubes and immediately walked off/regenerated that Bullshit off and…. FUCK! I AM BEING EATEN BY YELLOW RATS….. TRIPLE OW! Fuck this. I sent out an omnidirectional Ki blast and incinerated the fucking rodent bastards and glared up at the Scarebeast with an annoyed glare and crossed arms, he flexed it's scythe claws and chuckled/hyperventilated again.

"What's eating you?" he said before his chuckling at his own fucking pun kicked into overdrive, causing the nameless yellow abominations in the sky to share in his fucking giggles.

Fuck what I learned earlier, it's reference time.

"I know this is rich coming from me… But your powers are Bullshit!"

"C'est la vie." he said as his legs merged together and slowly began to morph into a giant godzilla-sized cobra that waved around like it was on crack. Giant spiders crawled from within the Scarebeasts hood and took off on silk parachutes towards me, like evil arachnid paratroopers. The giant umm… snake-crow? Scare-snake? Burlap danger noodle? Well whatever you call it, it turned out to be a spitting cobra that spat a yellow toxin that turned into the upper torso of skeletal demons all clawing at me as the spiders covered me beneath a tide of fucking yellow.

I was starting to feel annoyed.

"Ok this is getting older than a bag of dicks." I said as I decided to rapidly spin to dislodge the menagerie of spiders and zipped around the air like a ping-pong ball smashing the undead skeletons, before stopping mid-air with my palm pointed directly at the Cobra-Scarebeast.

"Big Bang Attack!"

This time… I did not Blow myself up, but just about everything in front of me lit up like a Christmas Tree on the Hindenburg. The yellow abominations above faded as I lowered my arm…

Oh shit did I just kill Scarecrow… I didn't actually want to do tha….

"Ok…. That one…. That one hurt."

As the dust cleared, I started to see the Scarebeast standing there, back to normal and looking mildly disheveled. He was shaking a bit, and his body was still glowing in Yellow light, like a disco ball gone haywire.. He was twitching uncontrollably and started to laugh the typical evil villains laugh you'd expect from a guy high on his own supply… of fear inducing toxins. Why couldn't he just do coke like a normal psychopath?

"There it is… Fear, true Fear. Yes, I can feel it growing within me… You scare me, Cell. Not the Toxin, not the ring…. Like the Bat… You evoke an emotion in me, the most primal emotion there is. Fear...and I want more."

He lifted his palm towards me sending what looked like a METRIC FUCK TON of flying Yellow Pelican Eels after me. Their too long needle teeth glistened as they 'swam' towards me drooling yellow… stuff.

"GIVE ME MORE!"

"Yikes!" I said as I danced around the Eels who began to circle me and turn into fucking demon sharks.

I punched one of the sharks in the face-y nose part and it shattered like it was made of glass. I then was dog piled… or rather I was shark Piled by the hungry bastards and… I sank into the swamp.

I decided to stay there for a moment, questioning a great deal of my recent decisions, before I knew what to do next. Obviously, I choose violence.

"Little bug… Please come out to play."

Let's do this.

"LEEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY JEEEEEEENKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINS!" I screamed as obnoxiously as I could as my fist came out from under the Scarecrow, catching him by the chin, and I sent him flying, considerably in fact as I realized that we were heading off into space. We rushed past the cypress, past the clouds, and by the time we stopped, we were floating in the cold void of space. I was rather proud of myself at that moment, too bad Dr. Crane had to ruin it for me by smiling. I'm not even joking, the Scarecrow just looked at me… Still smiling… What a dick. Anyway, his yellow shields suddenly flashed as he reached out to grab me with conjured yellow talons that sprouted from his fingernails… ew, and I just flew back to avoid his grasp as I let him fall back to the earth, all the while following him from a safeish distance. He caught himself before he made it past the clouds… by flying.

…

Oh right Lanterns can fly… Shit.

"MORE!" he said as his eyes shined even brighter.

Jesus, what is with this guy.

"Seriously! What the Dicking Hell is wrong with you! Get annoyed dammit."

"Annoyed?" he asked with a quirked head.

…

…

"How often were you dropped on your head? Cause I'm betting a lot."

"My grandmother would punish me by soaking me in blood and throwing me into the crow aviary."

…

"Your therapist must be thrilled."

"Did you know crows go crazy at the scent of blood?"

"Well I do now, thanks for that one."

"You're Welcome."

…

...

I threw a fist sized rock at him… it bounced harmlessly off his head… he stared at it as it fell back to the earth below, before glancing at me.

"Yeah, take that bitch."

Scarecrow just shook his head… which I threw the exact same rock at using my telekinesis. Yay for repetition!

"Yeah, eat another one bitch."

Then he chuckled again.

"You don't get it do you?!"

I threw the same rock at him before I answered.

"To be fair, I don't think I get anything that's going on right now. I'm pretty sure it's been like that since I got here…. Rock throw!" I said as I brain threw the exact same rock at his head… again, Only this time however, the Scarecrow caught it.

Then he just kept on chuckling. As he crushed the stone into dust.

…

"Hey, that was mine."

"Don't care. You see Cell, it's the ring. It is being empowered by all the fear on the planet right now, but it works on all fear...!" said Crane as his Eyes flashed the absolute brightest shade of Yellow I have ever seen. "... It even runs on my own fear, and I am always afraid. I have succeeded in bypassing the limits of the Yellow Light. My fear creates a positive feedback loop, It nourishes the ring, and since this fight started… well… listen for yourself," said Scarecrow as he presented his hand, clenching his fist hard enough to cause the joints in his hand to pop loudly, like bubble wrap beneath a heavy boot.

"Yellow Lantern Ring at 1000% Overcharge."

…

OH FUCK YOU SCARECROW! That is Bullshit and you know it.

…

Wait… I have an idea… amazingly enough.

I smiled.

"Doesn't matter Crane. I'm going to beat you."

"You will try." He said as he summoned a Murder of Crows, one of which perched on his Yellow Scythe.

"No, I'm really not." I said as I spun my body and Spin kicked him to the ground, quickly I followed after him, and I dodged the Crows as I sped up to punch the Scarecrow in the face again and again. Each attack made his shield glow brighter, but I was counting on that. When the Scarecrow hit the ground, he exploded yellow tendrils out that twisted into fleshy limbs that twitched around me. I flew up to avoid them as Crane sat up.

His smile widened.

"MORE!"

I landed in front of Crane… and sat down, eyes closed as I took deep calming breaths. I then meditated in front of him in the typical lotus position, being zen as fuck right in his fuck ugly face. I closed my eyes so I couldn't see Crane, but I could hear him. I know I was smashed, slashed, bludgeoned, and hit… but I reacted to none of it, even as he redoubled his efforts.

Then the attacks abruptly stopped.

"What are you doing Cell? Fight me."

I opened one eye to stare at Scarecrow, before closing it again and taking in a deep breath. I think Crane figured out what I was doing if what he was saying was worth anything. I just kept on meditating.

"No no no no no no NO NO NO NO!"

"Would you mind… I'm trying to meditate over here. Can you have your little freak out elsewhere."

Scarecrow growled, and something kept smashing against me, but I healed back each and every time, because immortal. See that's the thing about Cell. He's OP, in a lot of ways. Sure, Yellow Lantern Scarecrow was as well, but that was because of what he was. He wanted to be afraid, and wanted everyone else to share… I just wanted to win, and I had no pride for anything. Him on the other hand… Well I wasn't playing his little game.

"Clever Cell, very clever… I concede!"

I opened my eyes as Scarecrow looked to his ring.

"Yellow Lantern Ring at 98.9% Charge."

"I suppose I can only overcharge when I am utterly terrified… not annoyed...No matter."

He hovered above me and took a deep breath.

"I know when I am beaten. Always have, a quirk of my upbringing I suppose….Hmmm."

…

Wait is it working?

Holy shit I think it's working.

Then the Scarecrow looked at me, with a gaze of manic glee. He barked a laugh and flew up fast. Shoulder shaking, and body quaking. His mask of patchwork quilt then would tilt. He shot me a glance, then looked to the expanse.

See! I can rhyme to Scarecrow! And I don't need to plagiarize nursery rhymes to do it… so there. I win.

"So our fight is done… Our fight that is." He said as he looked in the distance over to the nearby city.

"However I think I can start up another."

…

Apparently it didn't work, and Scarecrow was about to pitch a fit.

...

Fucking Shit.

Scarecrow was about to fly off towards New Orleans, but I reacted very fast, and my foot connected with his face… and he glowed bright again. Goodie goodie gumdrops! Were back to this old song and dance.

"That is much better."

Meter long yellow worms slithered from under his clothing and squirmed around him. I prepared for his attack, but instead, it turned out to be a feint, and he flew off towards New Orleans at breakneck speeds.

"Fucking Dick!"

I followed after him as he brought his own world of pandemonium on the already frightened populous. Summoning Yellow beasts and crawling grotesque insects. All the while staring at me. His eyes widened as he looked to his ring.

"Yellow Lantern Ring at 1000% Overcharge."

He chuckled.

"Let's try this again shall we." He said as his body exploded in Yellow light, and once again I stared up at the Kaiju Scarebeast.

I… was really starting to hate this shit…. Well… time to use the nuclear option…

Wait...

Hold that thought.

"WAIT! TIMEOUT" I screamed as I made a T with my hands.

The Scarebeast…. Actually fucking froze, Oh my God THAT FUCKING WORKED, HA! Anyway, he gave me a quizzical look as I put my hands on my hips.

"I gotta do something… BRB."

"That isn't how this..."

I Instant Transmission'd.

"Goes… WAIT! Where did he go… aw, Sonuvabitch. THAT'S NOT FAIR.!"

LOL!

Truth be told…. While I was going somewhere… I just teleported far away enough that he couldn't see me, but I could. I wanted to know how he would react to that. Crane did not disappoint…. With that out of the way, I teleported for real.

I didn't plan on being gone long, just needed to slip into something that would be…. Perfect for this occasion.

These things were chumps, I probably didn't even need Jerry Armor to beat them. Their constructs were freaky looking yeah, but so is a spider before you step on it. I blasted them with my own Ki as Lapis was using Cell's guitar like a literal Axe and just decapitated one of the monsters.

"Man there sure are a lot of them." he said.

I just shrugged as I Spin hammer kicked one of them in the teeth, sending him tunneling into the ground. I took a great, and by reflex nearly adjusted my hair, before I remembered that being in Jerry Armor covered that. I was good as bald at the moment. Just what I needed.

"I feel like there really shouldn't be many left. And yet they just keep coming, like Cockroaches. Only somehow much more hideous." I said before caving one of their faces in and blasting another in the groin. Which left nothing but a mostly dead upper body, until I curb stomped it's head.

"C'mon sis, how often do we really get to cut loose like this?"

"You assume I want to. I was perfectly happy being rich and not having to deal with the collective butts of every Yo Mama so Ugly Joke in existence."

"MY MOTHER WAS A SAINT!" Screamed one of them before I moved to fast for his eye to catch and flicked his stupid head off his dumb shoulders with one finger.

"There, now she's not a mom anymore. Now no one can make 'Yo Mama' jokes about her ever again."

"Wow… That was dark." said Lapis.

"Like I care." I said as I blasted another few into dust.

"You seem more snarky than usual sis." said Lapis as he Rocked an Undead Wraith into existence with a single Guitar riff that tore apart one of the Yellow constructs with its teeth.

"It's the occasion."

"Are you two still talking?" Asked Artemis as she sent out a volley of Black Powder Arrows that shattered a giant Yellow Reptilian beast.

"Oh there you are, I assumed you ran out of arrows and ran off to grab some sticks to reload."

"Well Fuck you to bitch."

"Ohh, so sorry, I don't swing that way. Have you considered the Green One who's always just a barrel full of sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops?"

She Glared at me as she let loose another of her arrows, before flipping when a large wolf like construct landed near her that she started hitting with her bow before grabbing another arrow and jamming it into its eye. The arrow exploded a moment later, and the construct disappeared.

"What was that? Sorry I don't speak Bitch."

"It's a refined language, I'd never expect a peasant like yourself to understand. Nice outfit by the way, love the exposed midriff. Where did you get that outfit anyway, Sluts-R-Us or Thot Mart?" I shot back.

It was so on.

"What's that, I couldn't hear you over all that Bitching."

I love a challenge.

Lazuli was in good spirits at least, I was more than happy just using the power of Rock to melt some alien faces. It was fun, Yo! The super hot Arrow girl…. Um…. Artemis, that was her name, yeah she was doing good work as I METAL'D a Behemoth Mammoth into existence to trample under a Yellow Sabretooth-ish Monster.

"Look out!" shouted Robin, who landed next to me in a crouch before tossing his boomerang things at an alien that looked like a Razor toothed Frankenstein.

"Thanks man." I said as I riff'd a lightning bolt to fire at the exposed metal of the boomerangs to incinerate the bastard.

"Don't mention it." he said before running off to deal with another monster thingy.

I liked him, he was nice.

My Dragon Blood Soaked brass knuckles proved to be more than sufficient at tearing through these monsters' shields. It was worth every exotic mushroom and berries I traded to the Sasquatch for it. I reached into my pocket to pull out my Bullpup 12-Gauge. It had been blessed by a priest of every denomination I could find and convince/threaten into blessing. I reached into my other pocket to pull out the shells, and armed myself with Dragon's Breath shells. It was more than sufficient to learn that these Invaders were just as susceptible to fire, which confirmed my theory that incendiary rounds were the bane of clothing, even if said clothing was woven out of pure concentrated fear. Asbestos probably would have been a better choice, and would make this much easier for me since the aliens would just poison themselves.

As soon as I ran out of ammo, I tossed the gun to the ground and ran to the nearest alien I saw, I jumped on his back, hooked my arm around his neck, and started pummeling him with my mythical dragon's blood enhanced brass knuckles. The fact that this creature somewhat resembles a Tall Grey Alien with teeth made it all the more satisfying to watch as it's brain was reduced into a vague gray ooze somewhat resembling that Mongolian Death Worm carcass I found in Texas that one time. Either way it was supremely satisfying to stick it to those bulbous headed bastards.

*Punch!*

"That one was for putting fluoride in the water to make us docile."

Which is why I only drink rain water that has been triple filtered.

*Punch!*

"This one is for unlawful abduction and human experimentation."

*Punch!*

"That one was for Farmer Henderson's livestock."

"Punch!"

"And that one is because I just don't like you."

I stood up, grabbed a napkin from my coat pocket, and cleaned the gore and gray matter from my fists. That was when Cell teleported in front of me. Momentarily I assumed him to be another construct but he was far too green for that.

"Where is Lapis and Lazuli?"

I pointed in their general direction. He may not be a construct, but he could be a malevolent X-Class Changeling that is taking the invasion as an opportunity to take over Cell's life. Just to be sure I threw a pinch of salt that I always carry with me in the event of X-Class Channelings, I tossed it at him, and was relieved when his head didn't detach itself from his body and start inflating.

"Thanks." he said as he flew off to his siblings…

I shot another alien in the face. I couldn't be sure if that one was an X-Class Channeling… but considering fragments of its brain and skull is in multiple locations, I don't think it mattered anymore.

I appeared before Lapis first, and moved next to him as quickly as I could. He almost squashed me under a giant War Beast of the Seven Moons, but I avoided it. He looked bashful after that.

"Sorry."

"ScarecrowIsAFuckingYellowLanternNeedPerfectCellNowIsThatAlright?"

….

….

"Yea…Noooo….Maybe…. What?" He said… It occurred to me I should probably use the spacebar.

I backhanded a Yellow Millipede with human limbs as I repeated what I said prior.

"Scarecrow is a fucking Yellow Lantern, I need Perfect Cell to fight him. Is that ok with you?"

Lapis shrugged as he tossed me the guitar, which I caught with one hand because I'm just that awesome.

"Let's do this."

I nodded as my tail extended and I absorbed Lapis. I quickly turned to find Lazuli when…..

The Sky above stormed, momentarily blocking the Yellow Lanterns above as I exploded with Ki. The Earth trembled again as the transformation finished. It was quite the rush.

"BUGBOY IS REEADDDY!" I screamed as I blasted off towards Lazuli, who was currently in a Bitch Off with Artemis.

"You know if you're gonna be a smart ass, you have to at least be smart first. Otherwise, you're just an ass. Your insults are weak." Said Artemis as she Fired a volley of electro arrows at the unholy lovechild of a Skaven and the Terminator.

'I'mma call it Roborat'

Why not Mecha-Master Splinter?

'Nope, to late callin' it Roborat.'

Well it's dead anyway so…. Sure, Roborat it is.

"Oh you poor girl, you think I'm insulting you. I'm just describing you." said Lazuli as she punched out the heart of a giant monster that was 90% teeth.

"Your descriptions could use a little work. Not nearly bitchy enough." said Artemis as she stated using an arrow like a dagger to eye gouge a crocodile man.

"I was under the impression you couldn't speak bitch, my mistake."

As entertaining as that is, I gotta talk to Lazuli. So I shot on over, slamming through a Yellow Lantern so fast he exploded…. Quite viscerally.

"Oh good… the fish lipped freak is back."

"Hardy Har, listen Scarecrow is pulling some BS Out of his ass and I need some powah to get back in the game."

"...Please tell me you aren't serious."

I pointed to my face.

"Note the serious face."

'I still don't know what it looks like. So I guess I couldn't judge.'

Adorable.

Lazuli sighed as she removed Jerry.

"Arf!"

Arf indeed Jerry, Arf indeed.

She handed the little Hug Monster over to me, who looked at me with his cockeyed stare.

"Listen to me Jerry, we're gonna leave you here. Now you see those yellow guys?"

"Arf!"

Yes, the Spoopy ones. They hate hugs Jerry."

I have never seen eyes widen quite like that before.

"ARF!"

"I know, they're monsters. Show the yellow ones the power of Hugs. HUG THEM ALL!"

"ARF!"

I released Jerry, who took off like a rocket to the nearest lantern and…

"Ooof *wheeze* Oh Gods... my Lungs."

Well that seemed to work out well. I turned to Lazuli, who had her arms crossed and a resigned look on her face.

"Let's just get this over with.

I nodded, widened my tail, and absorbed her… it hit like a freight train hitting whatever gets in Freight trains way... Deers I think. Then the world shook again, and the tempest above roared to a cracking life that struck the earth below with bolts of godly might.

It was time to Unfuck the Fear Turkey.