INT. THE HALLS OF MEDICINE

DUSTIN, a barefoot, early-'90s teenager wearing a T-shirt and
sweatpants, drops down onto the floor of a corridor that is
completely tiled with large square throat lozenges. He lands
on his side.

DUSTIN
Ow! Most heinous!

He pulls himself to a stand.

DUSTIN
Dude, where am I?

MENTHOLIUS, a bearded, robed wizard, appears in a puff of
smoke.

MENTHOLIUS
Greetings, my son. Welcome to the
Halls of Medicine. I am
Mentholius, curer of sore throats
and clearer of nasal passages.

DUSTIN
Wha?

Dustin looks around. Sections of the walls display images of
30-year-old businesspeople coughing and blowing their noses.

DUSTIN
I'm in that bogus cough-drop
commercial!

MENTHOLIUS
You are the first child to be
transported to the Halls of
Medicine, thanks to our new
advertisements for Halls Kids on
the television channel Nick Jr.

DUSTIN
Dude, I'm 17.

MENTHOLIUS
Yes, well, you do seem older than
the target demo, but you too can
receive the healing power of vapor
action.

DUSTIN
I'm not even sick!

MENTHOLIUS
Our sources indicated that you were
home sick from school with a cold.

DUSTIN
I faked it, okay?! I just wanted
to stay home and watch David the
Gno- I mean, bodacious music
videos on MTV. Then the TV sucked
me into this place.

MENTHOLIUS
Oh...oh dear. This is a problem.

DUSTIN
How did you even get that
information? Ow! Why does this
floor hurt my feet?

MENTHOLIUS
I'm afraid the surfaces of the
Halls of Medicine are highly acidic
to the bare skin of mortals whose
respiratory airways are
unafflicted.

Dustin's feet begin to sizzle. He starts hopping back and
forth from one foot to the other.

DUSTIN
It burns!

Mentholius pulls a book from his robe.

MENTHOLIUS
Okay, okay, just hold on and I'll
find a spell to send you back.

DUSTIN
Get me out of here!

Dustin runs to one of the walls as if he were stepping on hot
coals and puts his hands on a green throat-lozenge tile.

MENTHOLIUS
No! Not the green one!

Flames flash from the tile, singeing Dustin's hands.

DUSTIN
Agh! Most uncool!

MENTHOLIUS
Wait, hold still.

Mentholius waves a hand.

MENTHOLIUS
Sickdayus wardrobeus!

With sparkling flashes, Dustin's clothes are transformed into
a bathrobe. A rubber hot-water bottle appears on his head,
along with a thermometer in his mouth and slippers on his
feet. He flings the hot-water bottle off and spits out the
thermometer.

DUSTIN
What's all this?!

MENTHOLIUS
It's all I could come up with to
get your feet covered.

Dustin looks down at the slippers.

DUSTIN
Oh! Excellent! Thanks, wizard
dude!

MENTHOLIUS
You'll need it, because you touched
the green tile with your non-sick
hands and summoned the Mintotaur!

A green, mint-leaf-covered minotaur bursts up from the floor
and roars.

DUSTIN
Oh my god!

MENTHOLIUS
Run!

THE END