Short Ficlet based on the TV Series "John Doe"

Disclaimer: Not mine. I am gaining no profit from this short little endeavor of mine.

Author's Note – You may notice that I never mention the name of the one that betrayed John in the Season Finale at the end. The reason why I did this, was so that those of you who haven't seen it, won't be tipped off by me as to how it ends, but those of you who have seen it, will know exactly who I'm talking about. I hope you enjoy. And please review!!

Summary: Based on the final scene of the season finale, from John's (Bobby?) perspective.


Many have wondered who I am. No one more than myself. Many have attempted to seek out that truth –myself yet again included – to no avail.

Even as I edge closer and closer to the answer of that question, so close that I think I can now feel it with every erratic beat of my heart, I'm lost.

Even with the presence of the trembling woman in my arms, who I would give my life for, simply because she had represented that hope ever since I first saw her, I can't help but feel alone.

Who am I?

I'm the guy who has to answers to everyone else's questions. I'm the guy that supposedly knows everything. Yet I know nothing that can help myself.

I know every publication date, every song ever written, every location ever chartered, every piece of history that has ever occurred on every subject, every person of significance, and every continent ever populated. I know the number of the people on the face of the Earth. A number that fluctuates rather dramatically at such a high rate that even I can't repeat it out loud without it changing again. A number that shifts constantly in my mind like swirling sand through an hourglass…

But yet I do not know the date of my own birthday.

Hell, I don't even know what my real name is. I don't know anything.

For if I did, then I would have seen this coming. But I didn't. How could I? I was betrayed by the one person that I thought I could trust. The one person left who knew everything about me. The one person left that I considered to truthfully be a part of my family. The one I thought would always have my back, like he swore to me he would. And I believed him.

I think I finally understand what Caesar really must have felt as his closest friend slid that dagger home between his ribs. In some ways, the pain of death must have been insignificant against the pain of this.

The pain of betrayal.

All this time, when I had been searching for the answers, they were standing only a short distance away from me. Doing what? Watching me? Monitoring me to see how close I got to Phoenix? Mocking me?

What did he know? How many times have I stayed awake for hours, racking my brain for the keys to unlock the memories of who and what I am, when my closest friend had held them all along?

And Karen? Had he been in on that from the beginning? Had he somehow been involved in her death? Hard to believe otherwise, when he was the one running the entire fanatical group, and had been the leader from the very beginning.

I don't think I can move at the moment. I'm in shock. I know the pain will come next. Then the anger. And then the bittersweet taste of vengence coupled with the obsessive need to seek him out, confront him, and make him pay for this. Make him explain. I know all of that like I know every other unimportant little fact in this world. Things that mean nothing in the end. And I can't stop it. I think I'll even be looking forward to it.

So what does that say about me?

I feel her arms wrapped tightly around me. I feel her tears soaking into my shirt, the tremors racing up her slight form. I feel the cold, damp rock at my back, and I smell the smell of the musty earth surrounding me. Us.

And I see the cap in front of me. Lying in the dirt... I see the light still shining from the exit hatch in which he escaped by.

Why had he turned around? Knowing that he had lost that cap? Why had he let me see his face? Had he wanted me to know the truth? Had he felt the slightest bit of guilt over his actions and that was what had compelled him to do such a foolish thing as to blow the cover that had served him so well for who knows how many years?

I can feel my mind rejecting that idea. And I know that there is a hardness surrounding, building, in my heart. I won't think like that. I won't lose my determination. My focus. I will make him pay for this. One way or another.

I'm tired of playing these games where the people I care about are taken from me.

That reminded me of the woman still shaking uncontrollably in my arms. And that determination, that focus, began to crumble slightly.

What was it that I had said earlier? That once I found Theresa, that I would disappear where Phoenix could never find us, find me, again?  Was that to be my path?

Now, I'm truthfully beginning to wonder if it is. She has the answers I'm looking for, I just know it. She knows who I am, even though I'm not exactly sure who she is, or what she is to me. I don't know her, but yet, at the same time, a part of me recognizes her. Is she my friend? A sister? A lover? I guess I'll know soon enough. But I do know this. She's responsible for keeping me sane these last few months. My dangerous search for her has kept me going. And I guess for the moment, that all I can know for certain, is that I have no idea where things are going to go from here.

But maybe in finally having found her, I can begin to receive the answers to all my questions, the keys to my memories, and most importantly… myself.

And then maybe I'll have the peace that I have searched for, that no one can ever take away from me. And I can pretend that this betrayal doesn't fill me with the pain and self-loathing of someone who should have known the truth from the lies. The shadows from the light.

Maybe this is all I'm hoping for now. Maybe then I'll be able to look at myself again. Maybe then, I'll be able to replace what has just been ripped out…my ability to trust.

And as much as I might have preferred otherwise, only time can give me the answers to those questions.

The rest I'll have to figure out on my own.


The End   (Please, PLEASE review!!!)