((I'm a taking a tiny break from my current Dogma fic to write this one. Just a little one poster. When I saw this scene in Chasing Amy, I wondered what poor Banky was thinking and what happened afterwards. So, I wrote this. Please, don't take any offence to the term 'dyke'. I have nothing against lesbians, in fact I have a few friends who are and they are the sweetest people. I just wrote this as Banky would think. Hope you like.))
And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time, all the time
– "Fake Plastic Trees" Radiohead
Alyssa. That name. Those 3 syllables. They will forever haunt me – Banky Edwards. That damned name will always be poison to my lips. It leaves a strange aftertaste in my mouth, one that can never be washed away. It can only be covered by my fake feelings, mingling with that disgusting taste, only making it more revolting.
I have put up with Alyssa before because she – the fucking dyke – was dating Holden McNeil – the one I secretly love. But Holden knew not of my love for him. We were friends. Best friends. I can't reveal that I love him. Or maybe I can, now that Alyssa is leaving the picture. And I will no longer have to plaster on a plastic smile when in her presence. And I will make sure I will never be around her again.
Holden had fucked up things – badly. There was little and no chance to mend things between himself and Alyssa now. And that makes me so fucking happy. I hate Alyssa in more ways than I can comprehend. I hate every aspect of her. I hate the way she talked and laughed. And breathed. I hated the way she laid with Holden. Or how she looked at him. I hated that she could make Holden feel like he was the scum of the world. And that she could also make Holden so happy, Happier than I could ever make him. I hate that my best friend preferred a dyke over me – his closest friend.
But I sat, waiting for my friend to explain everything. I quelled my anger. My hatred. My anguish. My love and kept up an "I'm pissed to be here" façade. I can't let the bitch or Holden know of my inner torture. Holden pulled up a chair, sat then looked at us both. I wouldn't let my eyes connect with mine. If what they say is true, that eyes are the window to the soul, then by letting him see into my eyes, I would let him see all that I put myself through be near him. He'd see how hard it is to be near him without blurting out my feelings. Or jumping him right then and there. Or hitting him for wasting his time on Alyssa and not me.
"Okay…" Holden started. "You guys are probably wondering why I asked you here at the same time tonight, knowing that we have shit to settle between us separately."
"I just figured you wanted to kill two birds with one stone. You know, by telling her to fuck off with me here so you wouldn't have to go through the story again later on." I said, acting like the usual smart ass Banky I usually was. I knew the reason was much deeper than what I had just said. I knew it'd end bad for one of us…or maybe all of us.
"Fuck you…" Alyssa hissed.
"Not even if you let me videotape it." I snapped back.
"Ok, enough, alright?" He let out a sigh and I held my tongue, simply for me. One day, I would chew that bitch out for ruining my life and Holden won't be there to stop me. "Now, I've been going over and over and over this whole thing and I've dissexted it 1000 different ways." He looked at me. "Banky, there's tension between you and I for the 1st time in our lives. You hate me dating Alyssa and you want to sign off on this whole cartoon thing."
"…How perceptive." He got half of it right. I hate Alyssa more than he will ever know. And I could care less about the cartoon bullshit. Although it would give us a reason to stay together.
"Alyssa…you and I have hit a wall…'cause I don't know how to deal with your, uh, past, I guess."
I couldn't stop myself before I said it. "That's a nice way of putting it. I'd have said 'the whole double stuff' thing." Holden glared at me, the walked from his spot near Alyssa to me. He leaned forward, coming close to an inch away from my face. "I'm only going to tell you this once: Shut up." I looked to the ground. I shouldn't have said it. He moved away, walking back to Alyssa. I could hear him confessing how he didn't feel 'adequate' and basically how it was his fault. It's not your fault Holden. It's hers. She ruined you. "Banky," I jumped at the mention of my name again, looking up at him. "I know why you're having such a hard time with me and Alyssa. It's something that's been obvious forever and I guess – I guess I just didn't acknowledge it. You're in love me with."
I felt my heart fall to my stomach. He found out? Shit, this wasn't good at all. I had tried to cover all the evidence. I never told anyone except Hooper. That day I found Alyssa and Holden sleeping together, I went to his place, got drunker than hell and confessed everything. He could only give me a sympathetic look and shake his head. Even though my mind was a mess, I did my best to act cool on the outside. "What?" I asked as an attempt to stay cool.
"You're attracted to me. Just as, in a way, I'm…attracted to you." I hated how he paused then. Did he have such a problem saying that he was attracted to me? Or was this a giant joke? "It makes sense. We've beenn together so long, we have so much in common."
I had to get out. I couldn't stay much longer without spilling my guts. "Well, I gotta get goin'. I have to catch the last few moments of little house." I stood intending on retreating to my room. Holden knew. My world was coming down. I could feel that my stoic mask cracked long ago, betraying me. He saw that I was on the verge of a breakdown. And he gave me the one thing I wanted: a kiss. He grabbed the sides of my face and pressed his lips against mine, forcing me to resist every temptation to sink into his kiss. I had dreamt of this moment would come. When I wouldn't have to hide any longer. But I never wanted it to be like this. Not something he had to do to get me to sit down. I never wanted it to be in front of that bitch. It was supposed to be about us. Not him trying to fix everything.
But, as much as this wasn't my dream world, it was exactly how I imagined it. His lips soft and loving. The taste….heavenly. Before I could even think of the bliss of his touch, he pulled away and didn't spare a seconds glance as I fell back into the couch. Now I knew my expression I wore: tears in my eyes, my face red with embarrassment and a look of pure devastation. I could've broken out sobbing right then, but I wouldn't give Holden or the dyke the pleasure of seeing poor Banky loose himself. They didn't realize I lost myself a long time ago.
"It's something you're going to have to deal with, Bank. And that would explain your jealousy of Alyssa, you homophobia, your sense of humor – "
"Jesus, just 'cause a guys got a predilection towards dick jokes – " I said, aware that my voice wavered as I spoke. I had to say something sarcastic, or else I'd start to cry. And I wouldn't do that. Not in front of them.
"Bank. Stop." Holden said sharply. "Deal with it. You'll feel much better." And I realized two things. One, Holden didn't care about me. He wanted to get one problem out of the way so he could move onto fixing things with himself and Alyssa. I wanted to hit him suddenly. How could he neglect his best friend? How can he give me a kiss, then just drop me to deal with other shit? The other thing I realized was that nothing should matter to me anymore, but it did. I should feel as though there is nothing left in this world to live for. I know now that there isn't. Holden proved that with that kiss. Yet now my soul screamed in agony. I want to feel empty. I want to feel nothing, but my heart felt it fit to torture itself by holding onto that one hope that Holden would come back to me. I knew this was wrong…but I held onto it anyway.
He and Alyssa were talking as I thought all this over and over again. What did he see in Alyssa? What was so wrong with me? I constantly tortured myself with thoughts like this before, and now is no different. I glanced over at Holden and Alyssa, seeing that he was still talking and spared a moment to wipe any tears away. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Holden was moving. He sat in the chair, looking at both of us. "When I did some serious soul-searching, it came to me from outta nowhere. And it all made sense. And a calm came over me. I know what we have to do. And then you, Banky, you, Alyssa, and I…" He wanted all of us to be a big fucking happy family. I didn't want to be involved with Alyssa, don't you see that Holden? I just buried my head in my hands, hoping he wouldn't notice tears in my eyes. "All of us – can finally be…all right."
"Please don't say it…" Alyssa pleaded. Even she didn't want this. I had no idea what Holden was thinking at the moment, but if the slut didn't want it, it couldn't be good.
"We've all gotta have sex together." My head shot up, staring at Holden in shock. Alyssa had started crying, now hiding her face. How could Holden say this? "I mean look, don't you see? That would take care of everything. Alyssa, with you, I won't feel so inadequate or conservative anymore because I'll have done something on a par of your experience. And it will be with you, which will make it that much more powerful. And Banky, you can take that leap that everyone else but you sees you should take. And it will be with me, your best friend for years." That part did seem inviting. "We've been everything to each other but intimates and now we'll have been through that together too. And it won't be a total leap for you, because a woman will be involved. And when it's over, all that hostility you feel towards Alyssa will be gone…because you'll have shared ins something beautiful with the woman I love." I winced. You had to say that, didn't you? You had to throw that in. Why can't it just be you and I, Holden? I love you, isn't that enough? "It will be cathartic. This will keep up together. What do you say?" A moment of silence came over us all.
I let out a deep breath, ready to deny this offer. "…Sure." What the fuck did I just do? I don't want to be a part of this. Sure, this is what I want: sex with Holden…but not with Alyssa. I want it to be about him and I, not her, him and I. But that didn't matter, did it? I wanted to back out, but Holden looked so happy when I agreed. And his happiness is what matters to me. And if I do go through with this, I know I'll only hate her more.
Holden was now looking at her, waiting for her answer. "You know I need this. You know it'll help."
"…No." She said.
"Thank Christ…" I said with a sigh. They both looked at me in shock. I was so happy that I wouldn't have to fuck that dyke, I didn't realize I had said it aloud. "Sorry." I mumbled. But I was out. I didn't have to do this. As much as it hurt to have missed out on the opportunity to have sex with Holden, I was happy to not have sex with Alyssa. But wait…now Holden knows I really DO love him. He knows if I had the chance, I would fuck him. I looked to the ground, loathing myself. I'm so fucking stupid. Why didn't I just say no?
Alyssa was explaining herself as tears ran down her face. She stood up, still talking. I just watched in silence out of the corner of my eye. She gave him a hug and I saw a single tear run down Holden's face. I'll kill her later for making him hurt. "I love you. I always will. Know that." She whispered, pulling away. Then, I watched just in time to see her slap him across the face. She glared at him, with so much hate, yet so much love. "But I'm not your fucking whore." She hissed. She began to walk away, leaving Holden a broken man. She stopped when she reached where I was sitting. Turned her head, she spoke three words. "He's yours again." I never knew three words could bring so much pain. My gaze fell to the floor as I frantically blinked back tears.
She was wrong. Holden wasn't mine. He never was. He always had pulled away from me. And now – even though she was leaving – he was Alyssa's. He always will be. I wanted to grab her and scream at her. I wanted to yell 'You ruined him! For all of us. You've ruined Holden.' But I didn't. Why? I don't know. I looked over a Holden. He looked too sad for words. I should've gone to him. I should've comforted him. But instead, I stood up and did everything I could not to run to my room and slam the door. I walked slowly and shut it quietly before I slumped against it, sliding to the floor. I finally released broken sobs. I knew I had lost my friend. Holden was gone.
I stayed there for nearly a half hour, just crying. Then, there was a knock at my door. "Bank?" Holden said softly. If I didn't know any better, I'd say he actually was being sincere. "Please let me in." A full fucking half hour for Holden to care enough to see if I was ok. Fuck him. "Bank, please. I know you're upset…" I held back a sob that threatened to rip from my throat.
"Just…go away." I said. My voice sounded strange. Cracked and broken. I hated sounding this fucking weak.
"Bank, don't do this to yourself. I know you're probably mad at me…" At this, I lost control. I stood up, grabbed a bag and started packing up my clothing. I left everything else. Just a few pairs. And not bothering to wipe my eyes, I opened the door, staring at him.
"Holden McNeil, you have no fucking idea what I feel like right now!" I screamed at him. He looked at me sadly. "Yes, I'm in love with you. You know that now. But how could you just fucking toss me away after kissing me?" I asked. "How could you do that to me? Exploit my feelings then kiss me in front of her? You just showed her my fucking personal life!" I screamed at him. I saw him wince.
"Banky, you know that I didn't want to hurt you." He said, stepping forward. I stepped back, clutching my bag.
"But you did. Now leave me alone." I said sharply. Then he noticed the bag, with wide eyes.
"No Banky, you can't leave." He pleaded. He reached out to me, probably wanted to console me. No. As much as I wanted to fall into his arms and cry, I was not going to let myself be that weak.
"Don't touch me!" I yelled at him, tears still coming. "I can't live here anymore. I just can't. And you're better off without me. I know you aren't fully comfortable with the fact that I'm in love with you yet, so why should I force this upon you? So I'll leave. It'll be better that way." Now he was crying. I couldn't hurt myself right then. I hurt him. I shook my head and pushed him out of the way. I looked into his eyes, bearing my soul as I stood there, knees shaking. "Holden, I love you." I whispered. Then before he could say anything else, I turned and fled. I heard him yell out my name but I couldn't go back. I don't think I'd ever go back. I got in my car, lit a cigarette and started driving. I knew where I was going: Hooper's place. He'd understand and let me stay for a while, until I got a place of my own.
I just realized that Holden had changed the radio station again. A song came on. I cried harder as I listened to the lyrics. 'What have I become, my sweetest friend? Everyone I know, goes away in the end. You could have it all, my empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt.'
((Ta da! It ended badly but I don't care. I like the rest of it. The end song is "Hurt" by Johnny Cash/NIN. It's my new favorite song. :p Review, please?))