Harry woke up, he found himself in the dark. He couldn't see anything, there was a bad smell in the corner. His head hurt a lot, he briefly wondered if he had passed out drunk but remembered that he quit drinking after the fourth time he got drunk and rode a dragon.
"Get up!" An annoying voice shouted as he had heard loud knocking coming from his right "NOW!"
Harry's jaw had dropped, it had worked! It had actually worked! Crystal was right! He had actually managed to go back in time!
Harry may have currently been in his ten year old body, but he was actually twenty one, in a way. Harry had lived a long and painful life, being a pawn to Dumbledore's stupid plans. He had defeated Voldemort after years of pain and judgment from others, only to be forced into a marriage contract with Ginny Weasley that Dumbledore had tricked him into signing.
Though Harry wasn't mad at Ginny, she was also forced into the contract. It's true that the two dated briefly in his sixth year but they both agreed it wouldn't work and separated. Despite being married the two agreed that they would be allowed to see other people.
It was shortly after this that Harry discovered his true love, a girl named Crystal Peters. She was a Hufflepuff in Harry's year, but he never interacted with her in school. She made Harry happy, happier than anyone had ever made him.
She had a fun personality, and like Harry she didn't really care for the rules or for adults. She taught Harry to let go, to have fun and embrace his true self. The self that really didn't give a damn for what other people thought of him, the self that allowed him to feel free. With her, he wasn't the boy-who-lived, he was Harry. Just Harry, crazy Harry who wanted nothing more than to have fun.
Shortly after meeting each other, the two had discovered a ritual that would be able to send Harry back in time. And seeing as the present was currently just a bunch of purebloods ruining the government and good people suffering, Harry didn't really mind going back and changing it. Sadly the ritual would only let one person go back, so Crystal couldn't go, but this time around Harry would make sure he and Crystal had more time together.
The last time Crystal was kept away from Harry by Dumbledore, the important thing you had to know about Crystal as that she was a Siren thanks to her grand mum, who was also a Siren. Sirens were a lot different from what people thought they were, true she had a brilliant voice and could grow wings but she never tried to harm Harry.
An important thing that people forgot to tell you was that despite having an allure similar to that of a Veela, a Siren bonded to one person and one person only. Veela's were just like any normal person when it came to relationships but Sirens could only stick with one person.
Last time around Dumbledore had kept Crystal away from Harry after the two had briefly touched each other by accident when they passed each other in Harry's sixth year, Crystal had realised that the bond was formed and went to the teachers for advice.
Dumbledore found out and kept Crystal away from Harry, not really caring that it was affecting her health by staying away from him. Her life span was cut down immediately and she became sickly and would likely have died because of that. Only meeting Harry after school had finished had allowed her time to recover long enough to help him. Crystal died two months before Harry had left, Harry lived two months of sorrow and pain until Ginny came to him and reminded him that he promised her he'd enjoy life.
Harry stepped out of the cupboard, feeling a bit annoyed at how weak his body was. Back in his time Harry was the world's most powerful wizard and he would've been tons more powerful if the Dursley's hadn't stunted his magical growth by underfeeding him. Fortunately the ritual had allowed him to keep his magical powers from his previous life so he could add that to his current power.
"Get in here" His aunts voice brought him out of his thoughts, Harry walked into the kitchen where his aunt told him to make food.
Harry saw his fat uncle drinking tea and reading a newspaper, he also saw the pile of presents and he remembered that today would be Dursley's birthday and the day that he went to the zoo. Harry remembered being weak and well behaved in that previous life, and that got him forced into a loveless marriage whilst being put on a pedestal he didn't want to be on after years of torment and being miserable then losing the love of his life.
No, he wouldn't let that happen again. This time, he was going to do things his way. This time he knew about the world, he knew who his enemies were and who his friends were and he knew how he'd play it. This time he was free, and this time, he'd show everyone what true chaos looked like.
"Hurry up" His uncle demanded "bring my coffee boy"
"Okay" Harry clicked his fingers and a cup of coffee appeared next to his uncle.
"Ah!" His uncle jumped up to his feet and jumped back as if Harry had just unleashed a swarm of bees. 'Note to self' Harry thought 'remember to release a swarm of bees later'.
"What did you do?!" Vernon roared
"I brought you coffee" Harry said innocently "now I'm going to go start cooking" Harry clicked his fingers and the food appeared, this time his aunt saw it and screamed "there, I'm done".
Dudley chose that moment to run into the room, Harry decided to teach his cousin why he shouldn't run indoors. Dudley didn't notice that his shoelaces had untied themselves and immediately tied themselves together, by the time he did notice them he had landed face first on the floor.
"Dudley!" Petunia screamed
"You!" Vernon turned to Harry so he could blame him for what happened but was very surprised to see the boy had gone.
"Uncle Vernon" A mischievous voice called, Vernon and Petunia looked at Harry who had a big grin on his face "I love magic, don't you?"
"You little freak!" Vernon shouted and charged at Harry though he was surprised when he could no longer move, Petunia grabbed a frying pan and charged as well when she found that she also couldn't move. Dudley, he just charged because it gave him an excuse to try and hit Harry but he was also frozen.
"I just wanted to let you all know that I'm leaving now" Harry smiled "I know about magic and I know what I can do, now I could just kill you all but I'd rather have fun. Now, I'd just like to say I hate you all and goodbye." Harry popped out of the room, releasing the Dursley's.
"What happened?" Dudley asked after he stumbled on to the ground
"Petunia" A red Vernon turned to his wife "how did the boy know?!"
"I don't know how the freak knew!" Petunia screamed
"Oh" Harry popped back in "I forgot, I think it's best if we show the world who the real freaks are. That's you three idiots by the way."
"Now see here" Vernon stood up but found himself and his family outside before he could do anymore.
"That's better" Harry clapped, he aimed his fingers up into the air and shot off large fireworks, he waved his other hand and all the car alarms in the area went off "goodbye" He laughed and popped away.
The neighbours had looked out of the windows or come out of the house to see what all the fuss was about when they saw the Dursley's. Some screamed, some puked and some fainted at the sight in front of them.
The confused Dursley's had no idea why everyone was looking at them, until they turned to each other and saw what all the fuss was about. Dudley was wearing a pink ballerina costume, Uncle Vernon was completely naked whilst Aunt Petunias hair had turned red and she was now wearing a witch costume.
The three tried to get back into the house but they were horrified to find out that the door was locked. Petunia had actually broken down into tears later when the police arrived and took the three away.
'Yep' Harry thought 'I am going to throw this entire country into chaos'
"Dumbledore!" McGonagall arrived in the headmasters office with a furious expression
"Yes?" Dumbledore asked his deputy
"I told you not to leave Potter with those muggles!"
"Mr Potter?!" Dumbledore jumped to his feet "Is he alright?!"
"No, his Hogwarts letter has been sent" McGonagall replied "but it was addressed to Diagon alley and it was returned with the words 'don't wanna' written on it."
"What? Let me see it" Dumbledore snatched the letter out of her hands, and true to her word it had 'don't wanna' written on it. "Did you say he was in Diagon alley?"
"Not anymore, I went there but Tom has told me that he has left. Think Albus! Can you imagine what happens if Mr Potter doesn't attend Hogwarts?!"
"Worry not Minerva, I have a plan" Dumbledore assured his deputy
True to his words Harry had received a letter a day or two later saying attendance was not optional as the ministry had recently made it a law that all magical humans had to attend Hogwarts. Harry smirked at Dumbledore's desperation to have him.
In truth, Harry was always going to go to Hogwarts, he needed to so he could meet Crystal again. He just wanted to cause trouble for Dumbledore, Harry had already made his way to Gringotts and sorted a few things out with the goblins and the end result was brilliant.
Harry got a new key, Dumbledore no longer had access to his accounts and Dumbledore had to return all the money he had took. Harry also claimed his title as lord of the Potter house and had the goblins agree to put one of his properties in a fidelius charm where he was the secret keeper.
Dumbledore spent ages trying to find him, Harry admired that man's persistence even though it annoyed him. Harry counted down the days until he had to arrive at the station, the days until he'd be reunited with Crystal.
Harry arrived at the station, he merrily pushed his trolley without a care in the world. He had stopped when he heard a familiar voice echo through the air.
"Packed with muggles" Molly Weasleys voice drilled into his ears, not caring for the statue of secrecy "Come on, platform nine and three quarters this way"
Harry looked at the Weasley family and he mentally divided them into two groups, hate and like. The twins and Ginny were definitely in the like column, he never had any problems with Ginny and the twins were honest and kind. He put Arthur, Bill and Charlie in the same column even though they weren't there, then he moved on to the other column.
Percy, the pompous prat had wanted to arrest him in his fifth year and treated him like a criminal after the war ended and blamed him for not preventing Fred's death even though Harry was currently battling the worst dark lord in Brittan at the time.
'Note to self' Harry thought 'make sure Fred stays alive at least until he's eighty, preferably longer'
Then there was Molly 'I am going to scream at you' Weasley, AKA 'the screamer' AKA 'Howler Weasley' AKA 'The ginger harpy'. There were more names but Harry couldn't remember them at the time, but he could probably come up with a few on his own.
He used to see the woman as a mother, so imagine his shock when he discovered that she was taking money out of his account and helped Dumbledore force Harry into marrying her daughter. And then there was her son, Ron.
Ron was Harry's brother in all but blood yet he decided to leave him hanging during the tri-wizard tournament and stole Harry's money for years while spying on him for Dumbledore and helping Dumbledore guide him into all of his tests along with Hermione.
"You know" Harry walked up to her as they stopped at the platform "the statue of secrecy exists for a reason" The twins and Ginny giggled while Molly dropped her jaw at the boy. Percy was somewhere between wanting to tell him off for talking to his mother while also wanting to agree with him. Ron just looked confused but that was normal for him. "Goodbye"
Harry ran before they could respond and made his way through the barrier. He quickly made his way on to the train before the Weasley family could follow, he found an empty compartment and secured his trunk before he sat down.
He sat down thinking about what Hogwarts would be like this time around. How he would deal with the strict but 'fair' McGonagall who only really seemed to do her job when it meant getting Harry in trouble. The greasy bat known as Snape and the world's oldest annoyance, Dumbledore.
"Excuse me" Ronald interrupted his thoughts as he stood on the door way, Harry could see his fake nerves and mentally cursed himself for ever falling for it "do you mind, everywhere else is full?"
"The hallways aren't" Harry pointed out
"What do you mean?" A confused Ron asked
"You can sit in the hallway" Harry clarified "or stand if you want, I don't judge"
"But your compartments empty!"
"You're also in a train that can add compartments while expanding the current compartments to fit everyone in" Harry informed him, taking delight in the reddening of Ron's face "besides, someone is sitting with me" Harry added
"Who?!" Ron demanded
"My friends" Harry extended his wrist and a large amount of spiders flew out of his wrists. Ron screamed and ran as fast as he could. Harry laughed as he vanished the spiders, he tried to remember who came next.
"Have you seen a toad?" Hermione Granger opened the doorway "a boy named Neville has lost one"
Harry looked out the window, thinking up a way to punish the girl he once considered a sister. Until he realised that she was also spying on him for Dumbledore and taking his money whilst leading him into tasks that Dumbledore set up. Dumbledore had initially tried to set the two up together and when that didn't work he forced Ginny on him and had her be his spy.
He was about to answer her when he noticed something a few windows down, something that made his eyes go wide and his mouth drop. He saw the bright honey brown hair attached to the thin face that held those brilliant golden eyes he had come to love.
She was reaching out, trying to catch a handkerchief that had somehow gotten attached to the side of the train.
"Excuse me" Hermione said "I asked you a question"
"Forgive me" Harry opened the window "but I have better people to waste my time with than you, goodbye" Without a seconds hesitation Harry jumped out of the window, leaving a panicking and shocked Hermione.
Crystal Peters was reaching out, trying to grab the white handkerchief that her mother had given her before she left for Hogwarts. Crystal was a siren who was raised by her mum after her dad died, her mother gave her this gift to remember her while she was at school and she didn't want to lose it.
Suddenly a hand reached out and grabbed it for her, she was startled and looked up to see a boy hanging from the side of the train. Holding her handkerchief in his hands, he looked awestruck by something and kept his eyes focused on her.
"Uh…hi" Crystal said nervously
"Hi" The boy's lips curled upwards
"I…I'm Crystal Peters"
"I'm Harry" The green eyed boy introduced himself "Harry Potter"
"Harry Potter? Wait, aren't you supposed to be famous or something?"
"You can say that" Harry shrugged "would you like your handkerchief back?"
"Uh, yes…t...thank you" Crystal gingerly reached out and took the handkerchief from him, her finger brushed against his and she felt a tingle go through her body.
"You're welcome" Harry smiled, knowing what has just happened "I…I guess I should go" Harry looked in the direction he had came from.
"Wait" Crystal put her hands up to stop him "why don't you just come in?"
"Since you're offering" Harry slid through the window as Crystal stepped back, thanks to good eating and potions Harry had managed to get a bit taller and was now an inch or so bigger than Crystal "thank you"
"You're welcome but what were you doing on the side of the train?"
"I looked out the window and saw you needed help" Harry answered
"I needed help, that's your only reason?" She looked at him with disbelief
"I don't need a reason to help you" Harry shrugged "I guess I should get going now, see you at Hogwarts?"
"Uh…yeah" Crystal nodded "it was…nice to meet you"
"You too" Harry opened the door and walked out "I hope to spend more time with you in the future."
Harry whistled happily as he skipped down the hallway, he had a massive goofy smile on his face and felt on top of the world. He stopped when he found the Weasley twins standing in the way.
"Oh, someone looks happy Fred" George noted
"Indeed George" Fred nodded "why so cheery little man?"
"Why not?" Harry shrugged "Can't a man ever just be cheery? If there is a law against that then I recommend we break it as soon as possible"
"Ooh, I like this one Gred" Fred said to his brother
"Me too Feorge" George replied
"I like you two too but I have to go back to my compartment" Harry smiled, he then looked George straight in the eye "now look after your brother, it's not his fault that he's not good looking as you".
"Hey" Fred objected
"Just joking" Harry grinned "lighten up a little." Harry made his way past too stunned twins and back to his compartment.
"Are you crazy?!" Hermione had just caught sight of him
"Oh yes" Harry freely admitted "I am absolutely insane, chaos and insanity are my middle name….or at least they will be once I've filled in the correct forms. Anyway, see ya"
"Wait, where are you going?"
"I'm going to my compartment and I'm going sleep"
"But we'll be arriving soon"
"And I'll be sleeping sooner, goodbye." Harry walked past her but stopped before he got into his compartment and looked at her "you have dirt on your nose by the way" he added before closing the door.
Hermione tried to open it several times but Harry had locked it with locking charms, she tried calling for his name but silencing charms fixed that.
Soon everyone arrived at Hogwarts, the first years had all gotten out of the train when Hagrid called them. Hagrid had never really done anything other than be loyal to Dumbledore, Harry was going to keep his distance but he wasn't going to go out of his way to antagonise the man.
Soon the first years got on the boats and they made their way to the castle, Harry to his annoyance found himself on a boat with Neville, Hermione and Ron. He didn't mind Neville but Ron and Hermione were not two people he wanted to spend time with.
"So Harry" Ron said "do you like quidditch?"
"Yeah" Harry nodded, Ron lit up until Harry added the next part "I support Puddlemere united, they demolished the cannons. I don't even know why the cannons still exist, they should just be disbanded, they're rubbish"
Ron looked at Harry as if he had insulted his mother, though Harry would honestly do that if the opportunity came up. Harry sighed and looked around when he saw another boat with only one occupant in it.
"The cannons are not rubbish!" Ron said, preparing to defend his team with his life.
"Huh?" Harry said, not looking at him "whatever, I have to go."
"What do you mean?" A shy Neville asked
"True love awaits" Was all Harry said before he dived into the lake, many people looked at him in shock. Harry swam all the way to the other boat where Crystal sat. Before climbing in. "Hello Crystal"
"Uh…hi Harry" Crystal replied "you….you do realise that you're wet?"
"I believe that happens when you swim in a lake"
"Oh…okay. So, why did you swim in the lake?"
"You looked lonely" Harry answered honestly
"You swam all the way here because I looked lonely?" She looked at him with disbelief
"Yes" Harry nodded without any hesitation
"Uh…thank you" Crystal was a bit surprised, she knew that Harry wasn't being nice to her because of her allure, she wasn't supposed to develop an allure until she was at least sixteen plus Harry was the only one acting this way. "I…wait, how did you do that?" She said, just noticing that he had become completely dry.
"Drying charm" Harry smiled "magic is so useful, isn't it?"
They arrived at Hogwarts, they waited outside the hall waiting to be called in. Harry was talking with Crystal when a familiar annoyance made his presence known.
"So it's true then" Malfoy said "what they're saying on the train. Harry Potter has come to Hogwarts, this is Crabbe amd Goyle and my name's Malfoy, Draco Malfoy"
"Licensed to kill?" Harry joked, a few muggleborns laughed, understanding the reference.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Draco demanded, thinking that they were laughing at him
"Muggle reference" Harry explained "you introduce yourself the same way as a fictional muggle character"
Before Malfoy could respond, McGonagall came in and called them in. Harry used to really respect McGonagall until he realised that she was basically just Dumbledore's yes woman who did whatever he told her even if it meant that Harry would suffer.
They walked into the hall, Harry could sense the nerves coming off Crystal. He saw everyone look up into the sky, he could see Hermione looking smug and preparing to open her mouth.
"It's an enchanted sky" Harry said to Crystal but said it so it was loud enough for people nearby to hear him. Hermione briefly looked furious at him for saying it before she could but she could compose herself.
"So...you've read 'Hogwarts: A history' as well?" Hermione asked
"Please" Harry scoffed "I would never read that garbage" Hermione looked offended by Harry's description of the book.
They all stopped and the sorting began, everyone soon began getting sorted. Harry didn't really care about the others getting sorted so he didn't really pay attention until it was Malfoy's turn. Malfoy swaggered up to the stool, Harry discreetly sent a tripping hex to Malfoy's feet causing him to trip and hit his face off the stool.
Many openly began laughing, Harry being one of them. Malfoy, who had chipped a tooth, got up and sat down on the stool. His face was currently more red than Ron's hair. He was soon sorted into Slytherin, he had stood up and tried to walk to the Slytherin table. Not before Harry sent another spell which caused Malfoy's pants to drop mid-walk. As Malfoy quickly tried to pull his pants up to cover his bright red underwear and ignore the laugh, Harry focused on Crystals laughs and at the moment he had found a new patronous memory.
Soon it was Crystals turn to go up on stage and be sorted, Harry wished her luck and she went up. Harry watched as the sorting hat was placed on her head, a few minutes later she was a proud member of Hufflepuff. He smiled as he saw her take her seat, smiling at the other Hufflepuff's.
"Harry" Ron nudged him and pointed at McGonagall. Apparently Harry had been staring too long and his name had been called. Harry walked up but stopped just before the stool.
"Can I just go to Hufflepuff?" Harry asked "they seem fun" The students all went silent, many were surprised that the boy-who-lived wanted to be in Hufflepuff. The Hufflepuff were rather pleased that they were the house that the great Harry Potter wanted to join.
"Mr Potter, sit down and take your seat" McGonagall instructed "the hat will decide where to put you" Harry eyed the sorting hat
"Fine" He sighed before pulling out his wand and firing a spell at the hat
"What did you do?!" McGonagall demanded
"A cleaning charm" Harry answered as he sat down on the stool "you have hundreds of kids wear it then you leave it in an office for an entire year before repeating the same thing. No way in hell am I going to put it on my head if it's not clean, I could get fleas."
"You are being ridiculous!"
"No, I am being Harry Potter, you should know as you're the one called my name." Harry smiled at the angry woman, many people in the hall began snickering and laughing. McGonagall put the hat on Harry, looking away from him after she did so.
'Hello' Harry said in his mind to the hat
'Hello Mr Potter, I must thank you for that cleaning charm. It's been so long since anyone has cleaned me'
'You're welcome, now put me in Hufflepuff'
'Hufflepuff? Are you sure you wouldn't rather go into Slytherin or Gryffindor?'
'Ah, for your lady love? Ooh, time traveller, what an interesting mind'
'I know you can't tell the headmaster my secrets so I'm not worried about that, now you will put me in Hufflepuff or else'
'Oh' The hat said, it was planning to put him in Hufflepuff anyway but decided to see what Harry would do 'what happens if I refuse?'
'Don't test me hat, you'll regret it'
'I would like to see that' The hat challenged him
'If you insist' Harry looked deep into his mind to bring up the most disturbing memories he could think of, the memories that he had locked away so he could never see them again. He pulled out the memory of the one time he walked in on Dudley in the toilet
"Oh, Merlin, that's horrible. He's so fat and why are his legs so pale?!" The hat said out loud, confusing everybody. Harry then pulled out his memory of the time a drunk and half naked Aunt marge walked into his room after thinking it was hers. "Oh good godric, Salazar, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff, stop! She's hideous! Why must you object me to such horrors?!" The hat screamed in horror, leaving many people to openly wonder what was happening.
"Now, for my final trick" Harry whispered before he pulled up the memory of the moment he vowed never to open a door without knocking, the moment where he walked in to the room to find Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia having sex.
"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" The hat screamed in horror, startling many students and the professors "NO! NO, GODRIC NO! SALAZAR NO! ROWENA NO! HELGA NO! AAAAAHHHHHHH! THAT'S MOST HORRIFYING THING I'VE EVER SEEN! OH, IF I HAD EYES I WOULD GOUGE THEM OUT! HOW DOES THE SKIN MOVE LIKE THAT?! IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO MOVE LIKE THAT! ARE THEY HUMAN?!" Dumbledore was looking particularly worried, the question on everyone's mind was what the hell is going on "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ACTUALLY SHOWED ME THAT! YOU SADISTIC CRUEL BASTARD!" Many people openly gasped
"Control yourself!" McGonagall whispered furiously
"NO! AFTER THE HORRORS THAT I AHD JUST WITNESSED I HAVE THE FUCKING RIGHT TO SHOUT AT THE FUCKING IDIOT WHO SHOWED ME THEM! YOU WANTED HUFFLEPUFF POTTER?! WELL YOU CAN BLOODY WELL HAVE IT! NOW GET YOUR MESSY HAIR AND YOUR BIG HEAD OUT OF ME AND NEVER PUT ME ON AGAIN! YOU'RE A HUFFLEPUFF! GO!"
"You know" Harry removed the hat and calmly handed it to Professor McGonagall "I think he liked me"
"Mr Potter" Dumbledore spoke "surely you would like to be in Gryffindor like your parents"
"Not really" Harry shook his head "I mean, no offense to the lions, eagles and snakes but have you ever seen a honey badger? They're downright vicious and capable of killing snakes, probably capable of killing eagles if they got close enough and I'm not sure about lions but I'm pretty sure that it'd be a challenge for either side."
"But Mr Potter..."
"Forget it Albus!" The hat interrupted "I am not putting that boy's head inside me again!"
"Nice to know that of all the people that could say that I get an ancient hat" Harry sighed, a few people got the joke but were too busy wondering what the hell was going on "either way, off to the badgers with me" Harry happily made his way over to the Hufflepuff table and sat next to Crystal. Everyone was still looking at him, they kept looking at him for a good ten minutes before they eventually snapped out of their trance and continued with the sorting.
'Yeah' Harry thought to himself 'this'll be fun'
"How did you get it to not kill you?!" Crystal asked, staring at the large beast standing in the great hall
"I don't know!" Harry smiled widely "I don't actually know how I got her either, last thing I remembered were some dead people and an old cat"
"Harry..." Cedric said slowly "in the nicest possible way, how drunk are you?"
A.N: Well guys, hoped you liked the chapter. This shouldn't be too long of a story and this is my first attempt at something purely about humor, I hope you like it and if not then fair enough but let's not be mean in our opinions. This story isn't going to be a particularly long one and it's not really my main focus, it's just something for me to do when I'm bored. I will mainly be focused on my other stories 'I'm not a hero' and 'Harry Potter and the Lightning Child'.
I will be posting new chapters for this story in-between writing those so I can just have a break from those stories, anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed the story, feel free to leave a review.