"Oh Merlin" Madam Hooch moaned as she entered the staff room
"Lines with Potter again?" Sprout asked sympathetically
"Yep, we've got another list of line
"Let's hear them then" Flitwick prompted
"Fine" Hooch said as she began reading the list "alright here we go:
'I will not go to classes sky clad'
'I am not the heir to Hogwarts'
'I will not make rude gestures with my hands'
'I will not make rude gestures with my feet'
'I will not teach others how to make rude gestures with their tounges'
'I am not a rude gesture'
'I am not a rude jester'
'I will stop shouting 'gay' for every hour that Draco Malfoy exists'
'I will not 'Tarzan' my way through the hallways'
'It is not opposite day'
'Tovay is not misspelt day'
'I will not try to bribe Professor McGonagall with milk, balls of strings or any other cat related items'
'Professor Snape has a hook nose, not a nose that can be used as a hook'
'The Weasley twins are not my servants, nor am I their pranking god'
'I am not a pranking god'
'I will stop referring to Professor Snape as 'virgin for life''
'I will stop saying 'I'm going to see some pussy' every time I go to Professor McGonagall's class'
'My kingdom is not everything the light touches'
'I will not try and turn every other male in school into a female so my girlfriend doesn't get tempted'
'Just because Headmaster Dumbledore dresses ridiculous, doesn't mean I can'
'I am not vengeance, nor am I the night'
'I will not use the armours on the third floor so I can joust'
'I will not skip a day of school and dedicate it to the god of mischief'
'I am not the long lost heir or distant grandson of Loki'
'I will not make a fifth house called Loki'
'I will not put slithery on the Slytherin banner, annoying on the Gryffindor banner or bitchy on the Ravenclaw banner'
'I will not place best on the Hufflepuff banner'
'I will not rally students so the house names can change from Gryffindor to Potterdor, Slytherin to Potterin, Ravenclaw to Potterclaw or Hufflepuff to Potterpuffs'
'I will stop doing so many lines'
'Not doing lines means not getting in trouble not refusing to do lines'
'I will stop taking the words 'you can't' as a challenge'
'I will not flirt with everything that moves'
'I will not flirt with everything that doesn't move'
'I will not attempt to breed a liger'
'My girlfriend is not permitted to rule Hogwarts in my steed, nor am I'
'I will stop trying to corrupt my girlfriend'
'I will not blame my naughty behaviour on the author of this story'
'I will stop jumping out and surprising people while shouting 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE MOTHER FUCKERS!''
'I will stop jumping out and surprising people while shouting 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE BITCH!''
'I will stop jumping out and surprising people while shouting 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE!''
'I will stop jumping out and surprising people while shouting 'CONSTANT VIGILANCE MOTHER FUCKER, DO YOU HAVE IT?!''
'I am not allowed to have a dragon for a pet'
'I am not allowed to have a dragon for a friend'
'I will not beat Ron Weasley in chess by tossing the board and destroying his pieces with a bat'
'I will not pay the twins to Polyjuice themselves as Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy and have them force Draco Malfoy to sit down and listen to them talk for an hour about how I 'conquered' his mother and how she is now leaving his father for me'
'I did not conquer Draco Malfoy's mother and I will stop adding 'yet' to that sentence'
'I did not conquer anybody's mother'
'I will stop telling having staring contests with owls'
'Growing Marijuana is not an extra credit assignment'
'It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously'
'It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously'
'I will stop setting Professor McGonagall on dates with cats'
'Giving Daphne Greengrass some green grass was not funny the first time, nor was it the four hundredth and fifth'
'I will not paint Lavender Brown lavender, nor will I paint her brown'
My girlfriend is not my secretary'
'I will not snog my girlfriend on Professor Snape's desk'
'I will not snog my girlfriend on Professor McGonagall's desk'
'I will not snog my girlfriend on the Headmaster's desk'
'I am not a desk'
'I will not illegally park my broom'
'Hagrid's beard is not an acceptable 'hide and seek' hiding spot, nor is the headmaster's beard'
'I will stop yelling 'come at me bro' unless I want an actual brother to physically come closer'
'I will stop yelling 'that is mahogany' every time Hermione Granger drops a book on the desk'
'It is pronounced 'milk' not 'miluk''
'When Professor McGonagall says she shouldn't hear bad language 'plug your ears' is not an acceptable response'
'I will stop standing up and shouting 'I volunteer as tribute' every time Professor Snape asks a question'
'I will not try to disprove 'Yolo''
'Spiky hair does not mean 'hair boner''
'The headmaster's beard is not compensating for something'
'Professor Snape is not creepy'
'Hermione Granger is not needy'
'I will not 'ship' people by forcing them to sit in boats'
'I am not a dalek'
'I will stop trying to make a dalek'
'I am not a time lord'
'I am not a Doctor, nor am I THE Doctor'
'It doesn't matter if I have a Tardis, I must still be on times for lesson'
'Ronald Weasley is not after my soul, nor will I offer him Hermione Granger's soul in exchange for him leaving me alone'
'It doesn't matter how impressive it is, sixty swear words in a minute is not a good achievement'
'I cannot copyright brilliance'
'My peinus does not have a stun setting nor does it have a kill mode'
'I am not the answer'
'I will stop saying 'that's what she said''
'I will stop having skillet play throughout the whole school every time I am depressed'
You know what, forget it" Hooch sighed "I've given up. The boy is too damn good at getting into trouble"
"He's father would be proud" Flitwick smirked
"Ah, this is interesting" Harry said upon discovering the mirror off erised, he quickly checked to see if Dumbledore was here, he wasn't but Harry had activated the wards so he expected Dumbledore to be here soon. "Huh, mirror of erised, wonder what I'll see this time" Harry said as he looked into mirror, he saw three figures standing, they were blurry but began becoming clearer "WHAT THE FUCK?!" Harry blurted out after seeing the Dursley's. "Why on earth would it be them?" Harry wondered, then slowly a forth figure sneaked up from behind.
It was Harry with a chainsaw
"Oh yes, that's much better" Harry grinned as that image ended just before it transformed into a picture of him and Crystal, growing old together with kids. Harry smiled and apparated out, basically ignoring the wards and apparated to the Hufflepuff common room just before Dumbledore began to sneak in.
Harry found Crystal sleeping on a sofa, looking the perfect combination of beautiful and peaceful. Harry couldn't help but softly rub his hands in her hair. He slowly leant down and kissed her on the forehead. He picked her up and carried her to her room and tucked her into bed.
"Love you Crystal" He whispered as he kissed her on the lips and walked out
"I know" She whispered to herself after Harry had left, her face suddenly had a big beaming smile that she couldn't stop.
"I feel like I'm forgetting something" Harry said to himself as he stopped just before going into his room "oh right, horcruxes...eh, that's a problem for tomorrow Harry"
"Damn you yesterday Harry" Harry groaned as he woke up the next day and quickly went off and dealt with them, he was done before lunch. The magic took a while to take effect and Voldemort got so pissed at the loss of his horcruxes that he accidently killed Quirrell that night, and by extension himself. Harry wasn't sure if he should laugh at that, he then decided fuck it and laughed anyway.
"We give up" The twins said as they approached him one day
"I beg your pardon?" Harry turned to them
"We give up!" Fred said with tears in his eyes "you beat us"
"Beat you at what?" Harry asked
"He didn't even know we were competing!" George cried into his brother's shoulder
"Alright now tell me what's going on or I will throw a Ronald Weasley at you" He pointed to George "and a Draco Malfoy at you" He pointed to Fred
"The prank war" Fred said "you beat us. We've tried so many pranks, turning things a different colour..."
"Sticking people to things" George continued
"Sticking things to people"
"Sticking people to people"
"Sticking things to things"
"Transforming people's clothes"
"Classic prank items"
"New prank items"
"But nothing worked!" They cried together "Everyone blames you for it!"
"It can't be that bad" Harry frowned
"Oh no?" George snorted "Watch this, oi git" The two said as they walked up to Professor Snape
"What do you..." Snape started only to be interrupted as Fred and George kicked him in the balls as hard as they could, Snape let out a squeak and fell to the floor, clutching his fallen comrade "d...detention" He squeaked out, the twins looked hopeful until Snape continued "Potter...I know this is another one of your tricks!"
"How does that work?!" The twins screamed as they looked back and forth between Harry and Snape
"Ah, well boys it's not surprising, I mean I am the heir to the marauders after all" Harry said and the twins head snapped towards him so fast that they nearly injured themselves "as for my skill in pranks, I've wrote a book that will help you" Harry handed the pair a book and walked away whistling.
"What does it say?" George asked
"Well George" Fred said as he read the title "it say's 'Chaos for dummies: A how to do book, learn how to do whatever the fuck, you want whenever the fuck you want. Buy one get one free, no refunds and not available for twats, prats, a prat's twat, a twat's prat, your mother and Hermione Granger because she'll find some way to ruin it'
"Sounds interesting" George commented "and it was written by the heir of the marauders, let's read it"
A shiver went through the body of every living being in Hogwarts
"Hi Professor!" Harry smiled evilly as he entered Professor Snape's, he had lost quite a lot of house points over the year and figured he needed to find someway to make up for it
"Ah demon child!" Snape said as he tossed a way a potion he was halfway through making and jumped over his desk, using it for cover
"Give me house points please" Harry requested
"What?" Snape's beady eyes locked on to Harry's as the top half of his head came up from under the desk
"I need house points please"
"Why would I give you house points?!" Snape snarled
"Well I suppose I could do something good to earn them" Harry said with a thoughtful face "though I suppose that means staying near you so you can see me when I do the good thing"
"Take ten house points!" Snape shouted, terrified of the idea of spending more time with the green eyed demon, the boy was so bad that he actually preferred James Potter to him
"But I've lost quite a lot over the year and I need more then ten, hmm maybe I could come to your room and do some cleaning"
"I reverse all the points you've lost plus I give you a million more points! Just leave!"
"Pleasure doing business with you" Harry grinned as he walked out, at the leaving feast the school was rather shocked when they learned that Hufflepuff had won. Even more so when they checked who had earned the most points and found Harry's name under it.
Harry watched his fiancée as the two of them took their vows, after their first year the two had gone to France and Beuaxbaton, they became good friends with Fleur who was in fact Crystal's bridesmaid. Hogwarts was glad to see them gone, well most of them at least, especially McGonagall and Snape. The two refused to even entertain the idea of bringing Harry back to Britain and would actively work against Dumbledore when he tried to make that happen.
Dumbledore had actually gone mad quite a few years back and was sentenced to a psychiatric home a year or two before he died. He had kept going on about how Voldemort was still alive but never told anyone, his reputation had taken a very hard hit.
"You may now kiss the bride" Said the minister
"You're goddamn right I can" Harry said as he pulled her into the most passionate kiss of the centaury
"I love you" She said after Harry had broke off the kiss
"I love you too" He said, just before he kissed her again
A.N: WOO! I am done. Wow, this story is completed. Merlin that was hard.
Now, while I did enjoy writing this story it did start feeling a bit hard and too much work. Normally when I write stories I just go with the flow but here I had to try and actively make it funny all the time. Some may not like what I've done but as I said before, I had lost inspiration for this story and I just wanted to get it over and done with. Personally I could have just left it but I figured it'd be nice to have an ending, I personally hate it when I read things and they don't have an ending or when the writer just doesn't give one or doesn't tell the audience that he/she is no longer writing for it.
I think I might rewrite this story, except next time I won't make it entirely humor based. I'm considering writing a fic with the same basic idea, Harry travels back in time to meet his siren lover and change the future, but just make it more like my other fics and be more about the story, the characters. What do you guys think? Let me know.
Thanks for reading through this, I've got some negative reviews and comments but thankfully I've received more positive ones. You guys found my work funny even when I thought it wasn't and that really warms my heart, so thank you. Thank you for reading, thank you for being a wonderful audience and thanks for just giving a writer a chance. Thank you, you beautiful people (well...I assume your beautiful, apart from the haters, I don't like you and you're ugly).
I hope you enjoyed it, fell free to leave a review