Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be broken by the unimaginable stress of my fa├žade of indifference. I can never be weak in front of the newsies. Because if I ever cracked, I could never face them again.

I wonder if I'll ever go crazy from the pain. Every night I go home to my father, and he beats the shit out of me until I cry and cry and cry, and no one hears. No one comes to me and says, "It'll be over soon-it'll be alright soon."

I wonder how long it will take before I break down and sob my heart out in front of them. I wonder how long it will take me to collapse from pain when someone accidentally touches my back, reopening wounds from my dad's belt and cane. He doesn't always just whip me with his leather belt, sometimes he throws in some hits from that accursed cane of his.

I wonder when the newsies will notice the blood on my back, the scars and bruises that are renewed each night. I wonder when I'll be tempted into swimming, and I wonder when they'll tease me for not taking off my shirt. I wonder when they'll figure out how alone I am; how hard it is to do what I do every day and come home to Him every night.

I wonder how long it will take them to get suspicious that I don't come to the lodging house to sleep at night, showing up instead very early in the morning and sleeping then. How long will it take for them to second-guess my orphan story?

I wonder when they'll realize how much pain I go through. I wonder how many of them will understand, and pity me-which I cannot stand-and how many won't get it and ostracize me-call me weak, challenge my abilities. I could not stand through that either. And I wonder how many will ignore the naked, ugly truth and treat me the same but inwardly shudder every time they see me, watching and waiting for me to cry out that I can't take it anymore.

How long until they abandon me because I let this go on?

How long until my newsies stop trusting my ability to fight?

How long until they realize the great Spot Conlon, Master of Brooklyn, is still getting whipped by his father?