A/N: Warning! Warning! Danger Will Robinson! Major OOC-ness ahead! Beeep! Beeeeep! Beeeeep!

Disclaimer: Ain't mine.


There are times where I should just keep my mouth shut. The trick is, learning how to determine whtn these times are. I'm a little lacking in that department, obviously. Otherwise I wouldn't be forming a nice-sized crater right now.

Don't get me wrong. It's not like I enjoy getting pummeled to the ground on a whim, but I've made some very nice friends. Like Igor the Ant. I met him just now. I do believe he just had a very meaningful conversation with my nose. Oh wait, he's been invited in.

"Ah-CHOO!" Sorry Igor. Maybe some other time. My finger twitched. That's a good thing. It means that the spell is wearing off. Well, it was nice talking to you Igor, but now I have to go.

Did I ever mention that it hurts to move? Let me put it this way, when you step on a spider, do you usually see it get up five seconds later and dance? Of course not. Odds are it's dead. Well, I've basically just been stepped on by some 'God of Vengeful Priestesses'. I'm just more resilient than the poor spider. Ow.


"BIT-oomph!" Igor! Nooo! Everyone who gets close to me DIES!!!

"You are so insensitive, Inu Yasha!"

Look, I didn't mean to call you stupid, ignorant, idiotic, ugly, useless, stinky, over-emotional, worthless, junkettaceous, wommacky, valgus, unfellowed, testudineous, stentorophonous, ranivorous, proctalgia, oppugnant, nidorous, malefic, or ludibrious. It just sorta happened.

"Feh." See? See? Mind and mouth do not line up! Bad mouth! Bad mouth! Hey, I can see up your skirt from here...No! Bad mind! Bad mind!

"Inu Yasha, you didn't have to beat up those guys in the village. They didn't do anything, and could you STOP swearing in front of children?! It's uncalled for!"

You know, with all the experience I've had with women, I could develop a legitimate case of gynophobia. My first crushed pinned me to a tree like a bug collection, and my new love of my life has the power to flatten me with a word. Hell, it's probably enough to turn a normal guy to homosexuals.




Good thing I'm not normal, though Miroku's looking pretty good about now. "Dammit, wench! That's the third fucking time you fucking 's-worded' me in the last two fucking minutes!"

"You aren't listening to me!"

"Well la-de-fucking-da!"


Ow. Let's see. If hanyou pisses off miko "x" amount of times in ten minutes, and the s-word can fly out of miko's mouth six times a second, causing hanyou to slam into the ground at eighty miles and hour, how long until the hanyou reaches the center of the earth, or his back breaks, whichever comes first?


Damn. Seem like I'm about to find out.



Shit. My spine just popped. This isn't good.

"Do you WANT to fucking kill me?"

"You deserved it!"



Fuck! She's gonna seriously break my back! Play dead, play dead, play dead....why hello, Mr. Rock...

"Inu Yasha?"

What do you mean 'Kagome has nice legs'? Oh, I see what you mean. Personally I prefer the panties...Bad mind! Bad mind!

"You're ignoring me aren't you?"

Is it just me or did it get colder in here?




"AaaaaH!" Fuck, fuck, fuck! Can't...move...hurt...bad...

"Inu Yasha?"

Shit. I've worried her. Now my stupid mouth is gonna get me in trouble, and I'm gonna DIE! Ya hear me? DIE!! No! No! Don't kneel in front of me...ahhh...panti-..Bad mind!

"Are you okay?"


"Wha-what happened?"

I managed to sigh. At least I'm still breathing.

"You finally went through with your threat, Kagome. Congratulations."

She stiffened. She probably knows it's bad. Hell, I used her first name.

"What threat?"

"My back broke."

"Oh, god..."

She's in shock. Great.

"I'll be fine in a little while, so don't worry too much. I'm not a weakling like someone I know, wench."

There. She should be good and pissed off now. Back to normal.

"How-how can you say that?!?"

Shit. She's crying.

"I just broke you're BACK!! And you tell me not to worry about it?!?"

Aw, dammit.

"How stupid ARE you anyways?!?"

Here it comes.


"KAGOME!" She froze. That was close. I can almost feel my feet.

"Oh my god...I almost..."

"Yeah. Do you mind not saying that for a while, wench?"

"Can...can you move?"

Yeah. I think I could rival Lord of the Dance at the moment. Whee! Jig, jig, jig! Jig, jig, jig!

"I'm...I'm gonna try to roll you over, okay? I learned this a long time ago, so bear with me..."

Okay. I can handle this. Arm above head, other arm by side. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch..


"Sorry! I never said I was good at this!"


"Here. Is this better?"

Yeah. Just about as much as having bamboo splinters under my CLAWS!! Time for drastic action.

"Your lap..."


"Shut up."

I can sense the smile. Oh well. Where the hell did the backpack come from? I wonder if she has ramen...mmm..ramen. Noodly-goodness. I could eat it all day forever. Warm. Lap. Kagome... Nirvana.


"Yeah." Much. I think I like this angle. I can see the stars in her eyes, the boogers in her nose... Ewww! Don't you ever blow you're nose, girl? I don't think I've ever seen her blow her-

"Inu Yasha?"

-nose. "Hmm?"

"Why did you beat up those guys?"

Dammit! I didn't kill them or anything! Let it go!


"Really. Tell me."

"Why do you care?"

"They walked away with broken ribs, black eyes, missing teeth, and other numerous cuts and bruises. I know you were being lenient, but what did they do?"

"Feh." You don't want to know.

"Come on."

"They pissed me off."

"That's it?"

"What? I need more?"

"Tell me, dammit!" I love it when you talk dirty to me...





Damn. She used the voice. I hate the voice. I'd cut out my own heart if she asked with the voice. I just can't resist the voice. Trust me. It sucks. I sighed. I can almost wiggle my toes.

"They were dangerous."

"They were old men!"

"Bull shit! They were youkai!"

"Nuh-uh! I would have sensed if they were!"

She just doesn't get it. "Did you see their knapsacks?"

"Yes. There was cloth in them. I looked through it with Sango-chan."

"There were herbs..."

"To scent the cloth..."

"Would you shut the hell up?"

"Well, excuuuuse me!"

"Feh. Do you want me to tell you or not?"


"Then shut it."


"There were herbs in their bags that are known for their use in abduction by slavers."


I growled. I may be in her lap, breathing in her sweet, sweet scent, but fuck, this is getting fucking ridiculous. Mmm... smell...good...

"So it works like this, and I'll use small words to help you to understand. When these herbs are put in a piece of cloth and held over the victim's nose and mouth, it causes them to pass out for hours. Allowing the slavers to carry them off and sell. Easy money."

"That doesn't mean that they were going to use them like that."

"You don't want me to finish? Fine. I won't."

That should shut her up.

"Inu Yashaaaaa!"

Crap. Don't look at me like that...


Oh god.

"Won't you tell me?"

Why do those uniform things have to be so seductive? It's not fair like that. I know I'll never be so goddamn sexy. After seeing her wear my fire-rat armor after her sake bath, (Compliments of Peach Man, may he rot in pieces. Nice memories though...) It never looked that good on me ever again. Then Shippo called it pink, and she agreed. There go all my dreams of being a sexy beast. Damn.

"Inu Yasha?"


"Are you okay? Your eyes kind of glazed over for a moment."


"Inu Yasha, tell me what happened."

It's the demanding voice. I hate the demanding voice. I'd cut out my own heart if she used the demanding voice. I just can't resist the demanding voice. Trust me. It- hey, wait a minute...

"Do it."


Umm...why did the temperature just drop?


I whimpered. The Great and Mighty Inu Yasha whimpered. There goes my reputation. Bye bye reputation. I'll probably never see you again if this gets out.

"I'm sorry! I forgot!"

"Obviously." I think I'm okay now. Not that I'm gonna tell Kagome, mind you. I'm quite comfortable where I'm at right now, thank you very much.

"Really, though. I deserve to know."

"It doesn't help their case when they're discussing the prices they could get by slaving you and Sango within earshot of me and Miroku. I wouldn't be surprised if they've added to Miroku's Air Rip by now."



Now she's quiet, which is very good. Not to mention the fact that she's absent-mindedly rubbing my ears. It feels nice. Just don't let her know I said that. It's a comfortable silence, we've had lots of those, and I always look forward to the next. Do you blame me?

I thought so.

"Thank you."


When I was young, my mother would tell me stories about couples who were soulmates. and that someday, I'd find my own. It's times like these that make me believe it.

"We probably should be getting back. Miroku and Sango are probably wondering where we are."

I feel bad for the sorry bastard who ends up with Kagome.

"Feh." Screw them.

"Shippo's probably worried, too."

On second thought...

"Can you move yet?"

Yes. "No."

Ooh! I made her sigh! If getting up and doing a victory dance wasn't un-Inu Yasha-like, and wouldn't blow my cover, I'd do it.

"I guess we'll have to stay a bit longer."

I'll just make my finger twitch spasmodically.

"KAAAAGOOOOOMMEEEE!!!" Damn. If it isn't a little bastard...


"OOOF!" Doesn't the brat have enough courtesy not to jump on the stomach of the poor, helpless, injured hanyou? Oh well... I'll kill him later.

"Shippo~chan, be nice to Inu Yasha, he's hurt."

"Okay, but only because you asked me to."

That little shit...

"Why don't you practice some of your tricks? It'll entertain Inu Yasha."

Yes. Entertain me. I dare you.

"Okay, Kagome!"


"I'll tell a story! Once upon a time..."

This sucks.

Kagome? Kagome don't leave me! Don't leave me at his mercy! Wake up, dammit!


Innocent face, innocent face...stop pointing at me Shippo..stop with the damned pointing!

"He did it!"

"Inu Yashaa!"

"Eh...Kagome...my back...remember?" Remind me to never try to do meek again.

"Yeah, right! I betcha he's fine, see!"

Brat! Stop... Chewing... My... Head! DIE!

"Ahhhh! Kagooooommeeeeee!"

"Inu Yasha?"

Hey, would you lookit that. I can walk... err...run! It's a miracle!

"What, wench?"

Sucks to be me.


There are times where I should just keep my mouth shut...




A/N: I already sense the questions coming from all angles. First, the definitions...

junkettaceous: frivolous; worthless

wommacky: weak and shaky as in convalescence

valgus: bowlegged or knock-kneed

unfellowed: unmated or unmatched

testudineous: slow, like a tortoise

stentorophonous: having an abnormally loud voice

ranivorous: frog-eating

proctalgia: a pain in the ass

oppugnant: hostile, antagonistic

nidorous: smelling like burning or decaying animal matter

malefic: harmful, mischievous

ludibrious: ludicrous

gynophobia: fear of women

Yes, those are real words. Trust me. I used the 'Word Lover's Dictionary'. I think I liked looking up the words the best out of writing this... or not. More like the writing out of character, and imagining that poor Inu Yasha was thinking it...Who knows?