A/N: Here it is, folks. The final chapter. It only took, what, a few years?
Open Mouth, Insert Foot: Chapter 3
The End of One's Rope
Why did I have to be the one with a mystic ball of glass hiding inside my skin?
Why did I have to be the one with the soul of a dead priestess?
Why do I, of all people, have to be the one who has to deal with an emotionally-retarded half-demon, an attention-deficient fox-child with a personal space issue, a lecherous monk with a HOLE in his HAND (You don't want to know the things I've seen him do with it. It's terrifying. Trust me.), and a demon huntress with more testosterone than earlier stated monk?
I mean, just a few months ago, I was looking forward to an ice-cream cake, maybe a friend or two staying overnight, and the potential for a pony.
Do you know how hard it was to have my mother even consider buying me a pony for my birthday?! It took almost all of ten years! Ten years of leaving strategically placed pony magazines lying around the house, innocent questions about whether or not I could have a pony for Christmas, training Souta to mention that I deserve a pony, and convincing Grandpa that ponies were not strange demons – they were to be trusted and given to granddaughters as gifts on their birthdays.
But no. Instead, my overweight cat had to manage to run out of the house and into the spookiest place on the shrine grounds. Grandpa used to scare me when I was little with stories about that well-house. He said that there were ghosties and ghoulies and long-leggity beasties eating the things that go bump in the night in there. Thinking back, I'm sure that was supposed to reassure me that none of the scary things were actually in my closet or under the bed, but when you're five years old with a vivid imagination...
Let's just say it didn't work too well and I would steer clear of the building constantly. After all, I had positive pony paraphernalia to distribute!
I was convinced we could tear the place down to make a suitable pony house. It would have two stories and a pool! And absolutely no creepy supernatural vibes to it at all. Nope. Nuh-uh. Just a lot of pink.
Instead, a creepy centipede woman pulls me down into the well and I'm stuck in this weird time loop that I'm sure breaks all rules of causality and will end up destroying the world someday.
Now, instead of getting my well-earned pony, I get to play zoo-keeper. Only instead of playing fun games with monkeys and manatees, I have to make sure that my flippin' insane dog-demon doesn't kill anyone important and completely disrupt history!
And what sucks the most, is that he could almost be cute – IF HE WASN'T SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS ALL THE BLINKIN' TIME.
I mean, seriously! Come on!
At least I have that necklace-thingy on him to keep him a little more under control. Beats me how it works – I'm just glad it does. And it is kind of fun to ride around on his back.
Not as fun as a pony, though. But close.
"BIT-oomph!" There's something satisfying about that solid "Whump!" noise that he makes every time he hits the ground just so. It's almost worth timing the way I 'sit' him just to hear that every time.
"You are so insensitive, Inu Yasha!" And he is. Is he ever. It takes having him beaten within an inch of his life, the loss of at least four quarts of blood, and a new moon to get any sort of compliment or positive reinforcement out of him. You would think that he would die if he ever gave any!
Then again, knowing him and the way he keeps secrets (yeah, hiding his "time of the month" from me? Not a smooth move.) he probably would explode on sight.
"Feh." And damned if he cares. Jerk.
"Inu Yasha, you didn't have to beat up those guys in the village. They didn't do anything, and could you STOP swearing in front of children?! It's uncalled for!"
If anything, I've learned a few anatomically impossible things and interesting terms to use whenever those jerks at the LAN parties really start to pwn on me. I had been running out, too. But hearing those same terms come out of little Shippo or Rin's mouths is just wrong. Try explaining that to stupidhead over here though.
"ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?"
"Dammit, wench! That's the third fucking time you fucking 's-worded' me in the last two fucking minutes!"
What, you think I can't count now? You think I'm STUPID?!
"You aren't listening to me!"
Oh, he's so in for it now. "SIT!"
Pony, dammit! I coulda had a PONY!
I was going to name it Sparkle Magic and we were going to be best friends!
"Do you WANT to fucking kill me?"
"You deserved it!" You robbed me of the Friday tea parties Sparkle Magic and I could have had! Of course you deserve it! You never want a tea party!
"SIT!" Wait a second. He's not moving anymore. Does that mean I've finally killed him?
No response. I think it's time to get the stick. Nothing like a good firm poke to determine the life status of a strange body sprawled on the ground. No, he's still breathing. I'll have to try harder next time.
"You're ignoring me, aren't you?"
His silence speaks volumes.
He. Will. Pay.
He's still whimpering slightly. I would pay good money to see him cry, but whimpering is pretty good, too.
"Are you okay?"
No? No?! You mean to tell me that I've taken out the Great and Mighty Inu Yasha with a word?! Gives a whole new meaning to that 'Sticks and Stones' rhyme.
"Wha- what happened?"
"You finally went through with your threat, Kagome. Congratulations."
"My back broke."
With my luck, any second now a big bad demon guy will come crashing through the trees and demand my shards as well as my virtue – just because the stupid jerkwad is out of commission. If I die Inu Yasha, it'll be all your fault!!
"I'll be fine in a little while, so don't worry too much. I'm not a weakling like someone I know, wench."
Weakling?! So you admit that I'm about to be overcome and raped by some crazy-ass demon king with some sort of school girl fetish?!
"How- how can you say that?!"
I'm so doooooooomed!!
"I just broke your BACK!! And you tell me not to worry about it?!"
He's kind of... twitching now. Is that all your going to do to save me you good-for-nothing sack of goo? Twitch at the crazy-ass demon king rapist until he surrenders?! Somehow, I don't have any faith in that plan. I oughta kick you.
"How stupid ARE you anyways?"
Wait. Dumb question.
"Oh my god... I almost..."
"Yeah. Do you mind not saying that for a while, wench?"
But I want to so baaaaaaaad!
"Can... can you move?"
I think, that if he was looking at me right now and not firmly planted in the earth, eating dirt to his heart's content, he would look at me as if I had grown a third head out of my ass. He looks at me as if I have two heads right now anyway, so it would have to be a third.
"I'm... I'm gonna try to roll you over, okay? I learned this a long time ago, so bear with me..."
I actually slept through the Health class that did this, but there's no sense in mentioning that now, is there?
"Sorry! I never said I was good at this!"
"Here. Is this better?"
Okay, so the rock for a pillow is a little extreme but I'm still feeling a little put out about the pony.
"Again?" Hypocrite. You said I smelled like something that had died and been left to rot in the sun for a fortnight before pickled in piss and left in the sun for another month!
I can't help but smile. He can be such a softie. Hard to imagine after seeing him in action for a few days – his emotions are either non-existent or made from stone. But really, deep down inside, he's all squishy. Like a Twinkie. But only deep inside. Very, very deep. You'd have to run him through and dig halfway to the other side of the planet before you found the crème filling. And even then, the crème filling would only be as big as an anorexic amoeba.
He's got his eyes closed, but he keeps sneaking peeks at me. I wonder why.
"Why did you beat up those guys?" Ha! You thought I forgot! You thought wrong!
"Really. Tell me."
"Why do you care?"
"They walked away with broken ribs, black eyes, missing teeth, and other numerous cuts and bruises. I know you were being lenient, but what did they do?"
"Come on." I'm serious.
"They pissed me off."
"That's it?" You know, I don't believe you as far as I can throw you. I don't believe you most of the time as it is, actually. You're such a lying sack of poo.
"What? I need more?"
"Tell me, dammit!" Must not say the word. I must NOT say the word. Zen, Kagome, Zen.
Time for the big guns.
If there is a way to convert the pleading energy of a well-delivered set of puppy dog eyes and utilize it to create the saddest, most pathetic tone in the world, I'm pretty sure that I've discovered the way. If I look him in the eye and use it, I can see his black heart shake, rattle, and roll. I don't think Kikyo has figured this out this very helpful technique, otherwise he'd be counting the hairs on Satan's bee-hind by now.
"They were dangerous."
"They were old men!" Dirty old men at that. Don't even ask what Sango and I were unfortunate enough to over hear when we were buying food. I didn't think that kind of movement was even possible.
"Bull shit! They were youkai!"
"Nuh-uh! I would have sensed if they were!" I think. You know, you never can tell with these things... But I'm pretty sure.
"Did you see their knapsacks?"
"Yes. There was cloth in them. I looked through it with Sango-chan." If you ignored most of the blood-stains on them, they were actually quite nice. I was going to buy one that had the prettiest pattern on it, but the knife wound tears were too big to fix without patching. I may be handy out of necessity, but if I can avoid needles – I'd rather keep it that way.
Especially after the one time when I sewed my Home Economics project to my partner. Eri wouldn't talk to me for a week, and rumor has it that there's still some thread embedded in her leg somewhere. Oops.
"There were herbs -"
"To scent the cloth..."
"Would you shut the hell up?"
"Well, excuuuuse me!"
"Feh. Do you want me to tell you or not?"
"Then shut it."
"Fine." Actually, I could care less by now. Sheesh. You're such a drama queen.
"There were herbs in their bags that are known for their use in abduction by slavers."
"So it works like this, and I'll use small words to help you understand. When these herbs are put in a piece of cloth and held over the victim's nose and mouth, it causes them to pass out for hours. Allowing the slavers to carry them off and sell. Easy money."
"That doesn't mean they were going to use them like that." But it is a very good idea... I wonder how much someone would pay for your stinking hide you no-good flea-bitten half-crazed-
"You don't want me to finish? Fine. I won't."
"Inu Yashaaaaa!" Okay. I can't use the word, but what are my other options?
"Please?" I pouted. I hate to admit it, but I did.
"Won't you tell me?" There's something about a cute little pout that turns my silly puppy-boy into a twitching sac of mushy things. But, uh... that look wasn't exactly what I was looking for...
"Are you okay? Your eyes kind of glazed over for a moment." He didn't respond, the bastard. He better not be daydreaming about my panties again. The fact that he does it in the first place is bad enough, but to have him do it repeatedly... yeeeach.
"Inu Yasha, tell me what happened." Oh, not going down without a fight, eh? Well, let's just see how you like facing my 'I'm-a-powerful-priestess-and-if-you-mess-with-me-I'll-make-you-eat-your-kidneys' voice. I used to make boys cry with that voice. It's as if all the mothers of the world united as one to express their disappointment...
"SI-" Oh. My. God.
The Great and Mighty Inu Yasha whimpered!
I... I think I'm going to cry! It... It was so beautiful!
"I'm sorry! I forgot!"
"Really, though. I deserve to know."
"It doesn't help their case when they're discussing the prices they could bet by slaving you and Sango within earshot of me and Miroku. I wouldn't be surprised if they've added to Miroku's Air Rip by now."
"Thank you." I guess. I really hate it when he gets all chivalrous and crap. It makes it so much harder to hate his filthy guts for putting me in this situation in the first place. But when he goes and does something honorable, it's like... butterflies in my stomach or something...
"Feh." Or maybe I ate something wrong. That could be it too. Sanitation around here isn't exactly at it's peak, and there aren't health inspectors running about. Just demons.
"We probably should be getting back. Miroku and Sango are probably wondering where we are." In reality, my legs are falling asleep. He's got a fat head, what can I say? Cute, fat head. But still a fat head.
"Shippo's probably worried, too." He probably doesn't give a damn about the poor kid. He's such a sweet heart, too. Always bringing me flowers and chasing butterflies... It really is a shame he had to grow up so quickly.
"Can you move yet?"
"I guess we'll have to stay a bit longer." My legs are screaming pain. I wonder if you can have someone get liposuction on their head. Or ego. Because his certainly could use it.
"OOOF!" Ha, ha! Stomp him again!
"Shippo-chan, be nice to Inu Yasha, he's hurt."
"Okay, but only because you asked me to."
"Why don't you practice some of your tricks? It'll entertain Inu Yasha."
"Okay, Kagome!" Awwwww... look at the squinty face! Look at the squinty face! He's so Cute!! And he's thinking so hard and he's just so Cute!!
"I'll tell a story! Once upon a time..."
I never realized just how tired I am. I guess that trying to run the three ring circus that is our merry band of travelers is more draining than I thought. Maybe if I just rest my eyes for a bit.
"OWW! WHO PINCHED ME?!" Holy flying fuck that hurt! Whoever did that is going to die painfully and slowly!
"He did it!"
"Eh... Kagome... my back... remember?"
"Yeah, right! I betcha he's fine, see?" I love it when Shippo stomps on Inu-yasha. That grunt of discomfort is such a sweet, sweet sound.
"Inu Yasha?" Ahem. Now, I'm sure that there's a perfectly logical explanation for why you're such a lying sonuvabitch for faking your situation.
But I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. YOU. ARE. DEAD.
Somebody owes me a fucking pony for this.