DISCLAIMER: Neither Yu-Gi-Oh nor any of the Battlebots portrayed in this fic are mine. They belong to, um... whoever made them I guess. I don't have a Battlebot... yet. ^_^
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm not fully keen to the rules of Yu-Gi-Oh, since I don't play, I only watch the show. So... don't get on me for that. Also, while I do make fun of lots of writing cliches in this fic, I don't intend to make fun of anyone personally, so... yeah. Also, this fanfic takes place AFTER Battle City... sort of. Some of the events in Battle City may be incorporated, some may not be. This is kind of an A/U fic. Also, for the purpose of comedy, some of the characters will be a bit OOC (out of character).
In Malik's dark warehouse of doom, the evil Malik was scheming.
"Two cups of amaretto beans... a tablespoon of cream... soon, the perfect coffee will be mine!" Malik shouted, standing by a coffeemaker and watching the brown brew boil. "Mwahahaha!"
As Malik picked up the coffeepot, his cell phone rang. He took it out and held it to his ear.
"What do you want?" Malik shouted.
"Sir, I've captured Mai Valentine, like you asked me!" shouted the voice on the phone, belonging to the demented Rare Hunter. "What should I do with her?"
But before Malik could answer, there was a knock at the warehouse's large, metallic door.
"Sorry, I'll have to get back to you on that," Malik said. "Someone's at the door."
Malik put down the cell phone and the coffeepot and opened the large door. Standing in the doorway was a very cheerful-looking Bakura.
"Hello, Malik!" Bakura said, smiling. "I want to make an alliance with you!"
"An... alliance?" Malik asked. "We had an alliance once, and it didn't work out."
"Come on!" Bakura pleaded. "Pleeeeeeeeease? I won't screw you this time!"
Malik- Evil Sadistic Bastard
"First of all, he wasn't even in his Yami state. And you all know that when Bakura's not a Yami, he's a wimp. Secondly, last time, I kicked his ass. I didn't know how much his dueling skills have improved, but I was feeling reeeeeeally weary about forming another alliance with him."
Bakura- Ambiguously Gay Sadistic Bastard
"Malik is so nice. I mean, sometimes he can be mean, but he's usually nice. I really wanted to form an alliance with him... I know he killed me last time, but I can forgive and forget. I mean, it's gotten me this far, right?"
"Sure," Malik said. "We can form an alliance..."
"That's great!" Bakura said. "I'm sure that if we pool our votes, we'll be able to get Yugi out of the game pretty quickly. I can get some of his friends to turn on him, and-"
"What in the hell are you talking about?" Malik asked. "Just go make sure Yugi doesn't win his match with Mary Sue."
"Fine," Bakura said. His face took on an evil demeanor, and he smirked, showing his scary teeth and his scarier forehead. "And when I'm done, I'll kill you too! Mwahahaha!"
Yami Bakura left.
Yugi: 4000/Mary Sue: 4000
"I love you, Yugi! But I'm going to enjoy kicking your butt!" Mary Sue shouted. "And then we'll torture Tea together!"
"That's not going to happen," Yami Yugi said sternly. "I have the Heart of the Cards on my side!"
"Really?" Mary Sue said. "Me too! We both have the Heart of the Cards, Yugi! We share the same heart... ooh, that gives me a great fanfic idea! One Card, One Heart! It'll be about-"
"Will you please go?" Yami Yugi said, getting slightly annoyed.
"Fine," Mary Sue said. She played a card onto the field, causing a large, flat-looking H-shaped bot to appear. "Huggy Bear (ATK: 1300/DEF: 1500), in attack mode!"
"Yay, Huggy Bear!" shouted the second fangirl, waving a Mary Sue flag. "Huggy Bear's huggle attack is unstoppable! It'll glomp you to death!"
"And I play these two cards face down and then you go," Mary Sue said. "Show me what you've got, Yugi! In your pants, that is..."
Mary Sue giggled.
"That was a disgusting remark," Yami Yugi said, drawing a card. "Alright then, I'll play this! Or rather, these!"
Yugi played a card down on the field. Suddenly, two identical bots appeared. They each had a large, moving claw that looked like it could lift other bots. Mary Sue gasped.
"Two bots in one turn is cheating!" Mary Sue shouted.
"That's right!" the third fangirl shouted.
"I get to punch Tea in the face!" the fourth fangirl said. "Well, if I hadn't been doing it for the past five minutes, anyway..."
Tea groaned in pain as the vicious fangirl punched her again.
"It's not cheating, it's a special Battlebots-exclusive card called a Multibot card!" Yami Yugi said. "Two monsters in one card! This card is Pack Raptors (ATK: 1400/DEF: 1400 x2)! They appear as one but they can strike seperately! It's in defense mode. And now it's your turn!"
"No face-down cards, huh?" Mary Sue asked, drawing another card. "That's a big mistake! Huggy Bear, attack!"
Huggy Bear drove toward the two Pack Raptors and grabbed one of them, squeezing its metal sides together to catch the bot.
"That was a mistake!" Yami Yugi shouted. "Now, I'll shift them both to attack mode! Pack Raptors, attack in tandem!"
The other Pack Raptor slammed into Huggy Bear's side. Mary Sue cackled.
"Why is she laughing?"Tea thought. "She's about to lose 1300 Life Points!"
"Oh, no I'm not, Tea!" Mary Sue said victoriously.
"How can you read my mind?"Tea thought in disbelief.
"In my fic, I'm a psychic with ESP!" Mary Sue said, smiling. "I can do a lot of things! And here's one of them!"
Mary Sue flipped her face-down card to reveal a picture of a large bot, slicing two smaller bots into pieces.
"Multibot Mowdown!" Mary Sue said. "My bot can attack both of your bots separately if they gang up on it! I didn't know what a Multibot was when I played it, but it's better to be safe than sorry, isn't it?"
Huggy Bear grabbed both of the Pack Raptors and crushed them both into scrap. Yugi's life points took 200 damage.
Yugi: 3800/Mary Sue: 4000
"And now, I play my next card! Sunshine Lollibot (ATK: 1900/DEF: 800), in attack mode!"
Mary Sue played another bot card. A large, pink bot with a huge spinning blade in front of it appeared. The blade began to spin.
"It's so pretty!" the third fangirl squealed.
"Well, Yuuuuuuuuugi, I'll play another card face down... now it's your turn!" Mary Sue shouted. "I told you I had the Heart of the Cards!"
Yami Yugi clenched his teeth and stared across the field at Mary Sue's formidable cards.
"She's tougher than she looks... I have to do something!"Yugi thought.
"Thanks, Yugi!" Mary Sue said, smiling.
"I heard that," Mary Sue said. "Bad Yugi!"
Mary Sue began to giggle.
"Mai?" Joey shouted, running through the city and searching desperately for his friend. "Mai, where are you?"
"Mai!" Tristan yelled. "Mai, you there?"
"Stop yelling, you guys..." Serenity said. "I'm sure Mai's around here somewhere..."
"Hey, essé!" yelled the perverted Rare Hunter, waving at Joey. "I lied, I cheated, and I stole your girlfriend!"
"You what?" Joey yelled, clenching his fists. "I'm gonna kick your ass, Brooklyn-style!"
"If you can catch me!" the Rare Hunter yelled. "Bwahahaha!"
The Rare Hunter ran off. Joey gave chase. Tristan and Serenity started to follow him.
"No, no, essé, you come alone!" the Rare Hunter shouted. "You come alone or Mai's history!"
"You heard him," Joey said. "Tristan, take care of my sister, okay?"
"I sure will, Joey!" Tristan said. He turned to Serenity. "C'mon, let's get some pizza, okay?"
"Be careful, Joey!" Serenity shouted. "I think the Rare Hunter wants to lead you into a trap..."
"No trap can stop me!" Joey said confidently. "I'll be fine!"
"You comin' or not?" the Rare Hunter yelled. "I don't have all day..."
"Hey, why are you taking me to Mai, anyway?" Joey yelled.
"It's a trap, duh," the Rare Hunter said. "I'm trying to kill you so I can get your rare cards for Master Malik."
"Oh, okay," Joey said. "Just checking."
The Rare Hunter began running again.
Meanwhile, outside of the huge Battlebot Tournament Arena, Yugi's grandpa had been standing in line to get Carmen Electra's autograph for the last two hours.
"Geez, everyone wants to meet Carmen Electra..." Yugi's grandpa said. "I bet she's already slept with twenty guys today. It's not fair! All I want is her autograph... on my wang, of course."
"Hey, are you Yugi's grandfather?" asked a small boy standing behind him. "Yugi's in a big match!"
"Really?" Yugi's grandpa asked. "I don't care, I'm meeting Carmen Electra!"
"It's a really good match..." the boy said, pointing up to a big-screen TV that was showing the match. Yugi's grandpa looked up.
"It's not that good.... hey, Yugi's opponent is hot!" Yugi's grandpa said. "And is that Tea duct-taped to that tree? Hachi mama, this IS a good match! Go, hot dominatrix chick! Kick my grandson's butt!"
"What do I do?"Yugi thought to himself. "She can read my thoughts like Pegasus, she's a really good duelist, AND she's got the heart of the cards... I've gotta figure out a way to beat her!"
"You don't HAVE to figure out a way to beat me... I'll still love you if you lose!" Mary Sue shouted.
"Shut up!" Yami Yugi roared. "That does it! Feel the power of American Justice (ATK: 1600/DEF: 1500)! In attack mode!"
A large wedged bot, painted red, white, and blue, and adorned with American flags, appeared on the field.
"And now, I play my Lifting Wedge! American Justice's attack goes up to 2100!" Yami Yugi said.
"Interesting, a patriotic card," Mary Sue said. "Not like it'll do you any good!"
"I'll play another card face down and end my turn," Yami Yugi said.
"You might have a big, mean superheavyweight bot on the field, but I'm about to even the score! Take this!"
Mary Sue flipped over the second card she had played face-down on her first turn.
"I'm thinking inside the box! And I'm putting your bot in one!" Mary Sue said. "It's the Incredible Shrinking Battlebox!"
"Incredible Shrinking what?" Yami Yugi shouted.
"Look!" Mary Sue said. Yugi's American Justice bot was trapped inside its own, miniature Battlebox, completely unable to move. "And now you've got nothing again!"
"That means there's nothing to protect Yugi's life points!"Tea thought. "Mmmmmmmph!"
"Quiet, you," the second fangirl said, pouring a large bucket of sticky hot chocolate on Tea's head. Then, she smacked Tea in the face with the bucket.
"Stop that!" Yami Yugi shouted. He turned to Mary Sue. "Call off your fangirls, or I'll-"
"You'll what?" Mary Sue said. "You'll get mad? Oooh, you're sexy when you're mad...."
"Sexy Yugi!" the fourth fangirl said, jumping up and down. "Sexy sexy angry Yugi, OMG!!!"
"Sunshine Lollibot, Huggy Bear, attack Yugi's life points directly!" Mary Sue shouted. The two bots did just that, wheeling toward Yugi's side of the field.
"You've forgotten about this!" Yugi shouted, flipping over his own face-down card. "Now you'll pay!"
The field began to split down the middle, and a large, violently uplifting section of the floor lifted the two attacking bots into the air. Mary Sue squealed.
"What's that?" Mary Sue shrieked.
"It's the Hellraiser, and your bots are helpless to stop it!" Yami Yugi said.
Huggy Bear rolled past the Hellraiser and slammed into Yugi, deducting 1500 life points from him.
"Ha! Huggy Bear still got through!" Mary Sue said happily.
"Some bots do get through the Hellraiser, it's completely random," Yugi said. "But your other bot is immobilzed for three turns!"
The Hellraiser lowered to the ground. Sunshine Lollibot had been flipped onto its side, its blade grinding into the Battlebox floor.
Yugi: 2300/Mary Sue: 4000
"I don't care, I've still got a huge lead!" Mary Sue said. "And I still have Huggy Bear. So.... it's your move!"
"Alright," Yami Yugi said, drawing his next card. He smiled. "Mary Sue... your time is up."
"Huh?" Mary Sue said, slightly puzzled. "What are you saying?"
"I play this!" Yami Yugi shouted, slamming a card down onto the field. "Rapid-Fire Building Team! I have to sacrifice 800 Life Points to play it, but it's worth it, because I get to take the top three cards from my deck! Any bots in those three I can play, no matter what! I send all the other cards to the scrap heap!"
Yami Yugi drew three cards.
"I have two bot cards to play... Complete Control (ATK: 2500/DEF: 1750) and Hexadecimator (ATK: 2600/DEF: 2300)!"
He put the other card in his discard pile. Just then, a team of builders ran onto Yugi's side of the field and quickly assembled the two bots Yugi had drawn. Mary Sue watched in bewilderment.
"And now, to scrap American Justice and Complete Control... in order to unleash the sound and the fury of Son of Whyachi!" Yugi shouted. American Justice, still trapped in its tiny Battlebox, disappeared, as did the recently-assembled Complete Control. Son of Whyachi (ATK: 3600/DEF: 1800) began spinning its hammers menacingly.
"Son... of... Whyachi..." Mary Sue said, her mouth agape. "Son of Whyachi! Son of Whyachi Son of Whyachi Son of Whyachi OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!"
Son of Whyachi spun at the immobilized Sunshine Lollibot and smashed it into pieces.
Yugi: 1500/Mary Sue: 2300
"Your move, Mary Sue," Yugi said. Mary Sue smiled.
"You've got two big, huge, mean bots, and I only have poor little Huggle Bear," Mary Sue said. "And I couldn't be happier!"
"That's right! It's an honor to lose to a cutie like you!" the second fangirl said, smearing peanut butter in Tea's face.
"No, I'm going to win," Mary Sue said. "That's why I'm so happy!"
Mary Sue flipped over her last face-down card.
"What is it?" Yami Yugi asked. "You can't win."
"Au contraire!" Mary Sue said, smiling. "Welcome to Big Wimpy Arena!"
The Battlebox began to glow. Suddenly, the plexiglass of the box turned a transparent shade of light pink. Pictures of baby bunnies and baby kitties adorned the box.
"What the...." Yami Yugi said in shock.
"Inside Big Wimpy Arena, heavyweights and superheavyweights with an attack rating of 2000 or more are always in Defense Mode! Your big mean bots can only defend, but I'm on the attack!"
"Oh no!" Yami Yugi shouted. "Son of Whyachi is useless!"
Mary Sue giggled.
"Don't you admire my skills, Yugi? Kiss me! I'm about to beat you!"
Mary Sue played another card.
"I'll use Off-Season Repairs to bring back Sunshine Lollibot, better than ever!" Mary Sue said. A team of builders came out onto the field and rebuilt the scrapped bot. "Sunshine Lollibot's attack points are enough to take out Son of Whyachi! Soooo... take out your revenge!"
Sunshine Lollibot's blade slammed into the now passive Son of Whyachi, sending sparks everywhere. However, when the sparks cleared, Son of Whyachi was still there.
"Hey!" Mary Sue whined. "What the hell's going on?"
"I regret to inform you that Son of Whyachi can only be scrapped by other superheavyweights," Yami Yugi said. "However, the drawback is that you can cause damage to it even while it's in Defense Mode."
Yugi: 1400/Mary Sue: 2300
"Well, at least I did something!" Mary Sue shouted. "Your turn, cutie...."
Mary Sue giggled.
But little did either of the duelists know, Yami Bakura had finally entered the park where the battle was taking place. He approached the Battlebox.
"The Pharaoh is losing..."Yami Bakura mused to himself. "This is interesting... Mary Sue is quite a skilled duelist..."
Mary Sue squealed.
"Bakuuuuuuuuuuuura!" Mary Sue shouted, turning and waving to him. "Hello, Bakura! Did you come to watch me win? I love you too, don't worry!"
"Bakura!" Yami Yugi said, also turning toward him. "What are you doing here?"
Yami Bakura's demeanor quickly changed. He detransformed back into normal.
"Oh, hello, Yugi! I came to cheer you on in your duel!" Bakura said.
"Mmmmmmmmmmmph!" Tea shouted, turning her head toward Bakura. "Mmmph hmm mmph!"
"Tea, is that you?" Bakura asked, running over to her. "Why are you covered in all this icky stuff? And why are you duct-taped to a-"
The three fangirls who were torturing Tea stopped and glomped Bakura all at once, knocking him to the ground. Because of Bakura's extremely weak constitution, the glomping caused him to pass out. The three girls began taking turns making out with the unconscious Bakura.
"They're distracted..."Tea thought, beginning to try and squirm loose from the tree. "Now's my chance to escape!"
"Oh, no you don't!" Mary Sue shouted. "You'll never escape! Stop trying! Stop it right now!"
"Stop yelling and duel me, Mary Sue!" Yami Yugi shouted. "Right now! It's my turn, and I play World Peace (ATK: 1200/DEF: 1600)! In defense mode!"
A large, trapezoidal green bot with a white dove painted on its side appeared on the field.
"I see..." Mary Sue said. "So it's defending too? Your bots are wimps!"
Yugi played a card face-down onto the field.
"Your turn, Mary Sue..." Yami Yugi said.
Ignoring Tea, who was still trying to escape from the tree, Mary Sue drew her card.
"You have three bots defending, and now, I have three bots attacking!" Mary Sue yelled. "I play Sisyphus (ATK: 1550/DEF: 1250), in Attack Mode!"
A bot that resembled a small pyramid with wedge-shaped slopes on each side appeared on the field. Mary Sue smirked. She played a card face-down.
"I'll have Sunshine Lollibot attack Son of Whyachi again! Now it's your turn!"
Mary Sue's attack reduced Yugi's life points by 100 more.
Yugi: 1300/Mary Sue: 2300
"Now's my chance..."Yugi thought. "I don't care if Mary Sue hears this, because next turn, she's screwed big time!"
"REALLY?" Mary Sue squealed. "Yay! Yugi's gonna screw me! OMG!"
Mary Sue did a happy little dance on her battle platform. Yugi sighed.
Meanwhile, Joey had pursued the Rare Hunter into a large, abandoned crackhouse in a dingy part of the city. He looked around, but saw no one... except for Bandit Keith, facing the corner.
"Bandit Keith!" Joey shouted, running up to him. "You'd better tell me where Mai is, right now!"
Bandit Keith slowly turned around. His eyes were read and bloodshot, and there was a straw up his nose.
"Leave me alone, asshole," Bandit Keith said in a slurred tone. "If you're a cop, I'm gonna punch you in the balls."
"Bandit Keith's a drug addict?" Joey stammered.
"Shut up, Wheeler," Bandit Keith said. He tossed a handful of white powder in Joey's face. Joey stumbled back, coughing and sputtering.
"Aaaaah! He threw cocaine at me! I'm a drug addict now!" Joey yelled. "Hey, wait... this is baby powder. You've been snorting baby powder!"
"I thought it was crack!" Bandit Keith shouted. "Dammit, I'm gonna kick that kid's ass!"
Bandit Keith stumbled out of the crackhouse.
"Now, where's Mai?" Joey said, looking around. He walked into a small, decrepit kitchen, and there, he saw Mai, tied to a chair. "Mai!"
Mai began sobbing.
"Joey, I couldn't even beat Mokuba! I failed!" Mai sobbed.
"Don't you even know you're being held hostage?" Joey asked her.
"I lost my nuts!" Mai screamed. "Mokuba took my nuts!"
"Yeah, and I think he sold Keith baby powder, too," Joey said. "Well, anyway, I'll have you out of here in a jiffy."
"Not so fast, essé!" shouted a voice from behind Joey. Joey spun around to see the perverted Rare Hunter, standing behind him.
"It's you!" Joey shouted. "I'm gonna kick your butt for kidnapping Mai! I'm gonna kick your butt, Manhattan-style!"
"I thought it was Brooklyn-style," the Rare Hunter said.
"Eh, same difference," Joey said. "I challenge you to a duel for Mai's freedom!"
"You know, you're closer to her than I am, you could probably just untie her yourself right now," the Rare Hunter said. "Wait, no! Stupid, stupid, stupid! I kill myself!"
The Rare Hunter took out a knife and held it over his chest. Joey grabbed the knife away.
"You know, you could have probably just stabbed me and took my deck," Joey said. "Wait, no! Stupid, stupid, stupid! I kill myself!"
Joey held the knife over his chest. The Rare Hunter snatched it back.
"On second thought, a duel is fine," the Rare Hunter said, putting the knife away. "I'm gonna show you my Latino Heeeeeeeat!"
"It's on!" Joey shouted. "Let's duel!! But wait... we need a Battlebox."
"This crackhouse IS a Battlebox!" the Rare Hunter said. "We're gonna have a Bot Street fight!"
Joey and the Rare Hunter walked out into the living room.
"The winner of this duel gets Mai, and two of the other duelist's nuts! Deal?" Joey asked.
"Sure, whatever," the Rare Hunter said. "Are you ready for a Bot Street Fight? The action is raw and bloody, just like your dead body is going to be after I stab you!"
"I thought you weren't going to use the knife," Joey said.
"Oh yeah," the Rare Hunter replied. "Let's just duel."
"I don't care who wins, I already lost!" Mai screamed from the other room.
And that's all for today's chapter! Will Yugi beat Mary Sue? Will Joey win the Bot Street Fight without getting killed? And will Bakura be glomped to death by crazed fangirls? It's all gonna be revealed, next time on Bot-Gi-Oh!