If You Were My Girl

By: General Quistis & Zhakeena

Disclaimer: Do you really think we own FF7? We don't! Okay? We also don't own the songs that some of them are singing here…

Authors' note: To play on the safer side, we just made this "extra-special"… and added some weird humor… gyah… oh by the way, did we mention that this is sort of like an alternate universe thing wherein Sephiroth, Aerith and Rufus are still alive, blah blah blah… you get it.


SETTING 1: Battle with Sephiroth

            Vincent's HP is about to drop to zero; so, Cloud handed him a potion. "Here, take it! That's the only one left!" he told Vincent.

"Thanks!" Vincent said before taking it…


            "Oh no… we really need to stock up on those potions…" Tifa told them.

"But what are we gonna do? There aren't any shops all over this place… and you just can't pick up any of those here… besides, we've killed all the monsters we can find and still no potion." Cloud told her.

Suddenly, a gypsy trailer wheeled near them. Cloud blinked a few times in confusion, wondering what such a thing would be doing in a place like that.

"Oh my gawd! A gypsy trailer! Meaning there's a gypsy inside! Heeheehee! I'd better get my fortune now!" Yuffie said excitedly.

Inside the gypsy trailer, Reeve and Scarlet looked at the hero party in terror.

"Oh no… it's THEM!" Scarlet muttered in panic.

"I know!" Reeve said.

"Kyah… so much for sneaking out for a day-off from ShinRa… now they're gonna make us stop!" she snapped.

Yeah, Cloud made them stop by saying, "Excuse me,"

Reeve stopped the trailer.

"KYAH! What the hell did you just do!? You stopped it?!" Scarlet scolded.

"I have to, or else one of them's gonna go after us and the more we'll seem suspicious!" Reeve reasoned as he grabbed a blanket. "Here, wear this and go outside and talk to them." He commanded.

"Kyah… where's the gypsy who owned this nasty trailer anyway?" she asked.

"Don't you remember? You threw her out of this thing. Now go!" he said.

"Kyah… fine! Why do I always get to do the dirty job!?" Scarlet snapped before stepping out, putting the blanket over her head to serve as some kind of veil.

"Good afternoon, Gypsy Lady!!!" Yuffie said, giggling.

"Kyah! Er… good aftah-noon, dahlings!!!!" Scarlet greeted.

Tifa raised an eyebrow. "Kyah?" she thought. "Now where did I hear that before…" she stopped her thoughts when she saw the red heels. "What the…" Though she isn't sure, so she just shut her mouth and turned away, standing behind Aerith.

"Can you tell my fortune today? Huh? Huh? Can you? Heeheehee!" Yuffie asked, jumping up and down as she approached the "gypsy".

"Eh… yeah! Sure! Here goes: Uhm… everyone you know will get one year older! Kyah!" Scarlet said.

"That's too @#$%^%$ obvious! You're a fraud!" Cid snapped impatiently.

"KYAH! Stop yelling at me, you hooligan!" Scarlet snapped impatiently before pointing a finger at Cid. "You will die in seven days!" she threatened.

"Yeah, right…" Cid muttered, making a face.

"Uh… Ma'am, do you have some potions?" Aerith asked with a kind smile on her face, wanting to change the subject before Cid could harm the gypsy.

"Oh, of course, my dear Flower Girl!" Scarlet said.

Aerith blinked. "How'd you know I'm a flower girl?" she asked.

Scarlet felt like shrinking. "Oh no…" she thought. "I'll get busted!" she thought.

"Don't be silly, Aerith. That woman's a gypsy! She can read minds! Right? Heeheeheeheehee!" Yuffie said.

"Oh yeah? Well if you can read minds, prove it, gypsy woman! What is Tifa thinking right now?" Barret snapped.

Tifa turned to them with a look of awe on her face. "Why me?!" she wailed in awe.

"Shit… Kyah…" Scarlet muttered miserably before turning to Tifa. "Hmmm… now, what would she be most likely thinking about now…" she thought quietly.

"I'm really not in the mood for this, you know," Tifa told them with an impatient look on her face.

"KYAH! You are thinking of marrying… marrying some blonde guy with blue eyes… and…" Scarlet trailed off, seeing Aerith eyeing Cloud with a nasty look on her face, so she continued with a non-hesitant tone, "…AND HIS NAME STARTS WITH AN R!"

"What?!" Tifa exclaimed, covering her mouth.

"What's wrong?" Yuffie asked.

Tifa stared at the gypsy. "How did…" she turned red before turning away.

Yuffie screamed excitedly. "AN R AN R AN R?!?!? Wait, I know that one!!!!"

"No, don't!" Tifa screamed, but…

"IT'S RUUUUUUDEE!!!!!" Yuffie exclaimed.

Tifa face-faulted but she somewhat sighed in relief.

"But… he's bald! He doesn't have blonde hair…" Aerith said while picturing the bald Turk in her thoughts. Then, she froze and gasped before turning to Tifa. The expression on Aerith's face had revealed to Tifa that she had guessed who the guy is already. Aerith just smiled teasingly at Tifa.

"There are over a billion blue-eyed blondes all over the world with names starting in R so just stop it, okay?" Tifa asked with a weak smile on her face.

"Why are you trembling?" Vincent asked, Tifa realizing that he was already teasing her.

"I. Am. Not." Tifa mumbled before snorting and turning away.

"Uh… so, Ma'am… back to the potions thing…" Cloud began.

"OH! Kyahahahahahahahahaha! Potions? Of course, I've got a lot of potions!" she told him before handing him….. an antidote.

Cloud's mouth twisted a little. "Er… no offense, but… this is an antidote. I was asking for a potion?"

Scarlet gritted her teeth. "Oh. How. Silly of me. Be right back, dah-lings…" she said before going in the trailer. Once inside, she went towards Reeve and strangled him. "Okay, Reeve, they're asking for potions now!! You got any to give to them?! Huh?! Huh?!" she whisper-screeched at him.

Reeve choked out, "Oh-no-no-no… P-p-please stop th-that…" Scarlet let him go, and Reeve inhaled in oxygen.

"What are we going to do?! I don't think saying that we don't have any potion will send them away!" Scarlet whined.

"Uh… Okay, let me think, let me think… Oh! Here, give them some of these," Reeve said, taking out some vials from his coat pockets.

Scarlet examined the green, glowing liquid inside them. "Uh… what are these? These are definitely not potions," she pointed out.

"Those are some of Prof. Hojo's experimental rejects… he's been asking me to get rid of them. I guess I just keep putting it off," Reeve explained as he pushed Scarlet out of the trailer. "Now go!"

"Kyah!" Scarlet managed to squeak before she was out to meet Cloud and co. She smiled at them uneasily and showed them one of the vials. "Heheh… sorry I'm a bit late, dah-lings. This gem got lost with all the other … er… usual potions…"

Cloud raised one blonde eyebrow at her and said, "Uh… no offense again, but we just need maybe a hi-potion, or—

"SO what makes them different from the other potions, Miss Gypsy?" Yuffie asked, interrupting Cloud. Cloud rolled his eyes.

"Er… this thing here… is like an Elixir! But it's not actually… So I would advise you people to not use this unless really necessary…" Scarlet said.

"So what makes it different from a ^#$%#*' elixir, then?!" Cid  asked.

"I'm afraid… uh… your mediocre-type brain cannot comprehend the wonders of this potion here… heheheh!" Scarlet answered uneasily.


"Cool! How much is it?!" Yuffie asked.

"Er… since you people are willing to buy it from me… more than other people… how's 7500 gil sound?"

Cloud shook his head. "Lady, we are not buying that thing for—

"We'll take it!!!" Yuffie exclaimed.


"Aw, c'mon!!! It glows and stuff, right?!"

"For crying out loud, Red XIII's piss glows and stuff!!!" Cloud snapped impatiently.

"Hey! That hurt, you know," Red XIII said, giving Cloud a look that meant, "I'm-gonna-bite-ya-later-buddy."

"Okay, okay, fine… I'll just give it away for free! Courtesy of… Shin…I mean… Courtesy of me! Kyahahahaha!" Scarlet said.

"Did you just say ShinRa?" Tifa mocked with a nasty smile on her face.

"No." Scarlet said after a few moments of silence because she was staring at Tifa and giving her a "go ahead, make my day" look. 

"Okay, guys, let's just get out of here… We've wasted enough time already…" Cloud said, rubbing his forehead.

As his party left, Scarlet and Reeve looked at them walking off into the sunset.

"Kyah… good riddance."

"Yeah… I hope Strife isn't stupid enough to use that thing, though…"


Vincent had little time to ponder on why the potion he poured on himself glowed. He felt the liquid go into his wounds, cooling them down. "Aaaah…." He groaned.

Wait a minute. That wasn't Vincent's voice….

Cloud paused when Sephiroth, looking at them mockingly, paused. "What the hell…?" Sephiroth asked.

Cloud followed his gaze, which was on Vincent. Except…

"VINCENT?!" he exclaimed. Aerith, curious, looked over to their raven-haired Ex-Turk party member, too. The rest of the party, who were watching the battle from one lonely corner of the battling area, looked at Vincent too. Well, bottom line was they had pretty much the same reaction as Cloud.

"Oh. My. God…"

"What? Why are you guys looking at me?" Vincent asked… and his covered he mouth, realizing that his voice had changed… It sounded feminine…


More feminine than Aerith's or Tifa's… or even Lucrecia's…

"OH MY GAWD!" Vincent screamed.

Sephiroth's jaw dropped upon staring at him. "What the… what happened?" he asked, accidentally letting go of his Masamune.

"VINCENT IS A WOMAN!!!!" Cloud screamed.

A collective gasp from the rest of the party emanated.

"NO! Cloud, what kind of potion did you give me?!?!"

"Uh…" Cloud racked his brain, trying to remember the source of that potion. An image of a gypsy came to mind… "I don't remember?"


"Okay, it was from that gypsy, if you remember..." Cloud replied.

Before anyone could make some other remark, Tifa began to laugh. Everyone turned to her. "What the bloody hell do you find so funny now, Tifa?!?!" Vincent snapped. He… or she paused, realizing that being a woman made him… or her, crankier than usual.

"Oh, nothing… I just remembered. That gypsy was Scarlet…" Tifa replied.

"WHAT?! I knew it was ShinRa scum!!!" Barret exclaimed.

"Why didn't you say anything, Tifa?" Aerith asked with a worried look on her face.

"Hmph. You guys didn't give me a chance, with you… teasing me about that thing she said…" Tifa said, pouting.

"Oh, you mean that one about Rude?" Yuffie asked with a happy face. Everyone face-faulted…yes, including Sephiroth.

"Uhm… not to change subject… but I'M STILL A WOMAN!!!!" Vincent screeched.

"Okay, Vinny, don't have a PMS like the rest of them…" Cid said. Tifa, Aerith and Yuffie glared at him.

Vincent frowned. Then he noticed Sephiroth staring at him… or her. Whatever. "And just what are you staring at?!" SHE snapped.

Sephiroth blushed and turned away.

The next thing they knew, he was already running off…


But they all couldn't move… until Tifa burst out laughing hysterically.

"Stop it, Tifa…" Cloud muttered.

"I…I can't! It's too… hilarious! Hahahahahahahahaha! I think Sephiroth has a crush on Vinny!" Tifa announced. 

The rest of them froze. Then, Cid burst out laughing too. "&^%$#!!!! What would that Lucrecia chick think?!?! Bwahahaahahaah!!!!!"

Cloud, flabbergasted, turned to Vincent. Well, suddenly, the caped Ex-Turk turned pale, twitched, mumbled a "No…" then ran away crying and screaming. "OH GOD NO!!!!!!"