If You Were My Girl

By: General Quistis & Zhakeena

Disclaimer: Do you really think we own FF7? We don't! Okay? We also don't own the songs that some of them are singing here…


            MIDGAR AGAIN.

"Man, you guys are no fun…" Reno muttered.

"Stop complaining, Reno. Now, Reeve, can you explain everything to us?" Rufus asked.

"Uhhmmmm…. I don't know how to start," Reeve answered hesitantly.

Then, Scarlet entered the foray. "Kyah… what's going on here?" she asked.

"Oh, pah-fect, Scarlet. Somehow, I know you have something to do with all these. Talk," Rufus said, turning to her coldly.

"What? Talk about what?" Scarlet asked in total perplexity.

"Oh you know…" Rufus said.

"Know what?" Scarlet asked.

"The potion thing," Reeve pointed out with a glum look on his face.

Scarlet fell silent.

"Well?" Rufus asked.

"Kyah… it's actually one of Hojo's old formulas which can turn a guy into a girl… kyah… Hojo asked Reeve to get rid of it, but… uh… certain circumstances led us to giving that formula to AVALANCHE. Go figure. Kyah…" Scarlet explained.

"… Certain circumstances? Enlighten us," Rufus said, looking at Scarlet and Reeve doubtfully.

"Oh, man…" Reeve mumbled under his breath.


"Damn it! What the hell is happening?! Why do I have a feeling that the potion I drank was some kind of…" Vinny narrowed her eyes in annoyance and disgust, "…Hojo's doing…" she muttered as she covered herself with the blanket. "Grr… and thanks to Tifa for lending me a brassiere… I really needed it…" she thought miserably. "…though I think I'm not really a 36D…" she mumbled, looking at herself and feeling so disgusted. She had to admit… it is bigger than Tifa's. "Damn." She mumbled, realizing that Tifa's brassiere was really tight on her.

"You know, if you keep on mumbling and talking to yourself under those sheets, Sephy baby will really hear you,"

Vinny froze. "Oh no… it's…" she thought miserably.

The blanket came off and with it came the sound "AHA! There you are, mon cherie!"

Vinny screeched again. "AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


            Tifa, Yuffie and Aerith rushed to the upstairs bedroom and upon opening the door of Tifa's bedroom, they screamed too.

Well… like fan girls, anyway. You know, something like that. Well, how would you feel if you saw Sephiroth kissing Vinny oh-so-forcefully?


            Rufus froze, so did the other executives and the Turks.

"Screaming again?" Reno asked.

"That's it, Hojo's formula is dangerous! Let's head for Nibelheim!" Rufus declared.


            "Uh-oh," Cloud said when all of Nibelheim (and probably half of the Planet) heard the chorus of screams.

"Let them be…" Cid said with a wink.

"But… but… but… Aerith is there!" Cloud reasoned, pulling out his buster sword.

"Nah, she'll be okay," Barret said.


            Okay, so Tifa, Yuffie and Aerith just screamed for the sake of letting out the tension of too much excitement.

Vinny punched Sephiroth's face, causing him to fly to the window. That must have really hurt, because Vinny used her claw to do the punching…

"And don't you DARE put your ICKY tongue in my MOUTH again! EEEEWWW!!!!" Vinny screeched out, spitting out before running off again.

Sephiroth got up and chased her again.

Tifa, Yuffie and Aerith were just laughing there…

"Man, this is really hilarious!" Yuffie giggled.

"You said it… are they gonna end up with each other!?" Aerith asked.

Tifa turned to Sephiroth, "Hey, Mister Sephiroth!" she called out.

Sephiroth stopped and faced her with a frown on his face. "What?" he asked.

"Can I be Vinny's maid of honor for your wedding?" Tifa asked.

"And can I be the flower girl?" Aerith asked.

Yuffie snickered. "Can I sing the wedding song?" she asked.

Sephiroth smiled at them. "Sure." He said before running off again. "I'm coming for you, Vinny Baby!" he called out with a singsong voice.


            Meanwhile, a helicopter carrying Rufus, the Execs and the Turks hovered over Nibelheim.

"KYAH~! Why do we have to stuff ourselves in one helicopter?!?!" Scarlet said, trying hard to shove Heidegger away. The General managed to give off a "Gyah!" as the chopper rocked violently.

"Hey, don't push the fat guy this way!!" Reno squeaked as Heidegger's weight squished him against Elena and Rude.

"Stop complaining, you lot. We're about to land, anyway…" Rufus said. (He was sitting all alone at the front, by the way.)

"Gyah… where are we going to land?" Heidegger asked.

"I don't know," Rufus muttered with an unsure look on his face before turning to Reeve who was piloting the chopper. "Is the helipad by the ShinRa Mansion still there or is it already covered with grass?" he asked.

"I am not sure, President Rufus, but we'll just land our chopper there." Reeve replied before swerving to the direction of the ShinRa Mansion.

Reno peered outside the window, overlooking the town and his eyes narrowed upon seeing a beautiful black-haired woman running down the streets of Nibelheim. "Hey-hey-hey! Rude! Check out the hot girl!!!"

Curious, Elena looked at the said hot girl. "Hey… she looks familiar…" she said aloud.

Heidegger had to squeeze Reno to the wall of the chopper so that he could peer outside too, "Is that Tifa?" he asked.

Rufus instantly turned his head to the direction where everyone was looking. "Where?" he asked.

Oops. Obvious.

Everyone turned to Rufus with looks of disbelief.

"Never mind," Rufus looked away, turning red.

"Okay, everyone, we're landing right now," Reeve announced as he guided the chopper downwards.

Vinny looked up as she ran as far away as possible from Tifa's house. "Wha… a chopper?! Escape!!!" she exclaimed as she ran over to where the said chopper was landing.

The moment he arrived there, she saw Rufus coming down from the chopper. Vinny stopped for a while, not really knowing what to do. "Damn… of all… why Rufus?! He might shoot my brains… OH WHO CARES!" she ran to Rufus with a frantic look on her face. "Hey! President Rufus!" she called out.

Rufus froze, his eyes widening upon seeing Vinny. "What the…" he exclaimed.

From afar, they could hear a loud "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Vinny instantly hid behind Rufus. "Oh please! Oh please, hide me! SAVE ME!" she pleaded desperately.

"Man, Vincent Valentine's too girly already… what did Hojo put in that potion anyway?" Reeve muttered.

"Kyah… who cares!" Scarlet snapped.

"Maybe Professor Hojo put the following ingredients there: Sugar, spice and everything nice…" Rude pointed out.

"Yeah… the ingredients that Scarlet badly needs! Hehehehehe!" Tseng teased. Scarlet pushed him out of the chopper as a reply. "Yagh!" he screamed out as he fell out of the chopper, long, silken black hair cascading all over him. (DUH!)

The "Mwahahahahahahahaha" came nearer but stopped. "Vinny Baby!" the voice said happily.

Rufus took a few steps backward with Vinny still hiding behind him. Sephiroth went past Rufus and Vinny (he didn't really notice Vinny behind Rufus) and ran to Tseng and hugged him tightly.

"AAAAAAAAAARRGH! NOOOOO! Lemme go, you horny old galloot!" Tseng yelled in panic, his Wutaian accent slipping out as he spoke.

Sephiroth gasped and pushed him away. "You! You impostor! YOU MUST DIE!!!" he pulled out his Masamune.

"NO!" Vinny said, then covered her mouth. "Damn." She thought miserably.

Sephiroth turned to Vinny and his mouth dropped open when he saw that she was hiding behind Rufus. "Is that your new boyfriend? You chose that rich brat over me?!" he said dramatically before running to them and pushing Rufus aside before taking Vinny's hands in his. "I know I may not be able to offer you diamond earrings and give you free tickets to the Gold Saucer… but I love you." And he sang, "But my love is all I have to give…"

Vinny slapped his face. "ARGH! You're so cheesy! You're so corny! I don't like you! I AM A MAN!" she yelled.

"No, you're not," Rufus corrected with a wink.

"Hey, lay off that winking, ShinRa. Vinny's mine!" Sephiroth snapped, showing Rufus his fist.

Rufus just flipped his hair. "Hmf. Go ahead and take her. I don't care. Marry her for all I care, go ahead. You want me to lend you a white limo for that special occasion?" he asked with a silly smile on his face.

"Sure!" Sephiroth said happily.

"NO!" Vinny protested.

Sephiroth turned back to Vinny. "We're gonna get married in the Church in Sector 6…" he began.

"NO!" Vinny protested.

"…and Tifa will be your maid of honor." He continued.

"No!" Vinny protested.

"…Aerith will be the flower girl!" he said.

"No!" she said.

"Cloud will be the ring-bearer!"


"Rufus will be my best man!"

 Reeve will be the godfather; Scarlet will be the godmother…"


"Hojo will walk you down the aisle……"

"…… AND EVERYONE WILL WEAR GREEN!!!!! Mwahahahahahahaha!"

"NO! I hate that color!"

"And for our honeymoon, we'll go to Costa del Sol and I'm gonna lay you down in a bed of roses!"

"NOOOOOO!" Vinny wanted to cry.

"Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!! And then we're gonna live in a ranch and have 15 million kids! Mwahahahaha!" he said excitedly.

"STOP STOP STOP!!!!" Vincent screamed, clutching her hair desperately as the world spun round and round…

And she just fainted in Sephiroth's arms.

"Awwww…. How romantic!" Scarlet and Elena said dreamily.

"Oh well…" Rufus shrugged.

"Oh, look at my beloved Vinny Baby, Rufus! She fainted in joy!" Sephiroth said happily, shedding a few tears of joy.

"Yeah… Yay…" Rufus said glumly with a sarcastic smile.

"What are you gonna do with her now, Sephiroth?" Elena asked.

"If Vinny remains that way… Sephiroth will just have to give up on fighting us… hmm… and if Vinny turns back into a guy again, Sephiroth will get broken-hearted and he'll end up going crazy and he'll end up destroying everything again… I wonder… maybe Hojo's potion really helped… for the first time Hojo contributed something good…" Rufus was thinking with a sly smile on his face as he paced back and forth, just flipping his hair again and again… and so he looked ridiculous so everyone was really staring at him.

"Uh… why is he doing that?" Rude asked.

"Dunno… maybe because Lockheart is running his way?" Reno said, shrugging.

"What?! Where?!" Rufus suddenly said, making everyone go 'zooP!' at his direction.

"Pah-fect, the maid of honor is here!" Sephiroth said.

Tifa was running, the rest of the party marching behind her. "Oh, Vinny fainted in Sephiroth's arms!" she announced.

"Baaah. How romantic," Cloud said, nodding. Aerith and Yuffie sighed in response.

"Bwahahahah! That's so cute!" Cid said as he laughed out loud heartily.

"Everyone! Listen! Vinny is now my ever-beloved fiancée! We will get married TOMORROW! Mwahahahahahahahahaha!" Sephiroth said insanely.

Everyone was silent, just staring at him unbelievably.

"Gee… that was fast…" Reeve said.

But Rufus decided to play with Sephiroth for a while. "Ahem, Mister Sephiroth… you know, these days, you just don't marry someone pronto! First comes the long courtship." He told him reassuringly with a kind smile on his face.

Sephiroth blinked. "Really?" he asked.

Cloud played along, "Yeah! Look at me, I'm still courting Aerith over here!" he said.

"Courtship, eh?" Sephiroth asked, looking down at Vinny. "How do you court someone?" he asked.

"Oh that's easy!" Tifa said.

"Yeah! Heeheehee! Give her flowers! Make her happy! Take her to long walks on the beach during sunset and sunrise…" Yuffie began.

"Yeah! And drown her and kiss her and roll over with her in the sand, you know like those corny romance movies you see? Heheheheheh!" Cloud said with a wink.

"And don't forget to say, 'Oh, darling. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…' and you know how the rest of it goes," Aerith said with a poetic tone.

"Oh, and yeah, don't forget to lay her down in a bed of roses!" Rufus continued as he gave Sephiroth a friendly pat on the shoulder.

Vinny didn't really faint. She could hear them. And she wants to kill everyone… Yeah, her limit gauge was already glowing badly…

"HRWAAAGGHHH!!!!" Vinny screamed. Then, she turned into that evah-beloved Chaos.

Everyone but Sephiroth ran away screaming. He even hugged Vinny tightly. "Oh, Vinny Baby… even if you're a monster… I will still love you!" he said gently.

Vinny instantly turned back into her normal girl-self. "Oh for crying out loud! YOU'RE THE CHEESIEST GUY I'VE EVER KNOWN!" she screamed.

"I know… it's part of my genetic make-up, don't you know?" Sephiroth asked.

"But I'm older than you!" Vinny reasoned.

"I don't care. Age doesn't matter when it comes to love… besides, you look like you're only 20! Guess my age, c'mon!" he said.

"I don't know your friggin' age, lemme go, you sick cheesy maniac!" Vinny protested. "And for crying out loud! I'm like 57 already!" she yelled.

"But you look like 20!" Sephiroth repeated with an insane look in his eyes.

"NO!" Vinny pushed him away and she ended up running off again. "WHERE ARE THE OTHERS!!!???" she thought frantically. "Damn… this is stupid… why don't I just fight him and kill him… right… like I can do that… HE'S DISGUSTING ME!" she thought.

"Mwahahahahahaha—ngackt!!!!" Sephiroth's laugh was cut horribly short when a wire dangling with laundry got in his way as he was running after Vinny.

Fine, he's too tall.

He held his neck and muttered glumly, "Ow." And then ran off to Vinny again.

Vinny didn't notice how tired she was… all that was in her mind was to run away from Sephiroth. Then, along the way, she felt the exhaustion catching up to her. "No… must… not… collapse… will… be… smooched… again if I do!!!" she said with fierce determination. "Oh, what have I done to deserve this?! The life I live is oh so sad…" and she looked up at the stars. "Oh, Lucrecia… can you see me from there? Your friggin' son is A-N-N-O-Y-I-N-G!!!!!" and he just fell to the floor. From somewhere, he could hear a girl laughing…

Lucrecia was laughing at him.

"Damn," he cursed…






            "NO!" Vincent Valentine sat up, his body covered in cold sweat. He was panting hard and his eyes were wide in terror.

He looked around, realizing that he was back in Tifa's house in Nibelheim. "Oh no… it's the same room…" he thought, then looking at himself, examining his body. He smiled victoriously. "I'M A MAN AGAIN!" he yelled happily, waking up the person sleeping on the floor. "Hey, keep that down!"

Vincent shut up and turned to Cloud. "Cloud! Where's Sephiroth?" he asked.

"What are you talking about? He's dead!" Cloud snapped.

"He's dead?" Vincent asked.

"Yeah, we killed him, remember?" Cloud replied sleepily.

"Uhm… what about Rufus?" Vincent asked.

"I don't know, what's wrong with you?! Stop asking questions; Just go to sleep," Cloud muttered.

Vincent sighed in relief as he lay down again with a contented smile on his face. He froze when he felt a pair of arms suddenly embracing him. "Uh… who's beside me again?" he asked Cloud.

"You hogged the bed, Tifa's downstairs with Aerith." Cloud replied.

Vincent shivered. "Aerith?" he asked. "Isn't she supposed to be dead like Sephiroth?" he asked nervously before nervously turning his gaze to the person embracing him as that person spoke up, "No, we're not, Vinny Baby!"

Vincent gasped. "SEPHIROTH?!?!?"

"mwahahahahahahahaha! Now you're mine, Vinny baby!" Sephiroth said, making a move to kiss him.





            "Hey, hey, hey! Wake up! Vincent! Hey! Wake up!!!!!" Aerith kept on shaking him.

Cloud poured some water on Vincent's face but he still wouldn't wake up.

Red XIII approached him and bit Vincent's foot.

"YEEEOWCH!" Vincent jolted upright, but he landed on the floor. He was panting. "What the…" he said. He turned to them. "Where's Sephiroth?" he asked.

"He's dead," Cloud told him.

"I see… but what are you guys doing here?" Vincent asked as he stood up.

"You were having a nightmare," Aerith pointed out.

"I was?" Vincent asked in disbelief.

"Yeah. You were screaming and you woke us up because of that!" Cloud said.

"Oh… sorry about that," Vincent replied, making a mental note not to eat too much before going to bed… "Yeah… and the next time I run out of potions or remedies or elixirs or phoenix downs and I end up asking for some from Cloud, I will let Red XIII sniff it out first…" he thought miserably before climbing up on the bed again.

"You sure you're gonna be okay?" Aerith asked.

"Yeah." Vincent replied as he closed his eyes again, feeling more tired than before.

With that, Cloud, Aerith and Red XIII left the room.

"AERITH?" Vincent sat up. "She's supposed to be dead… what's she doing…" and then he saw another figure standing from across the room… that figure had long silver hair and he was wearing black.

The next thing Cloud, Aerith, Red XIII, Tifa, Barret, Yuffie and Cid heard was Vincent screaming, "AAAAAAAARRRGH!!!!!"

And yes, it was loud enough to reach the ShinRa HQ in Midgar.


So, is it really a dream or not? :-)