Author's Notes: This is an exercise in pure silliness. The characters are most definitely out of character, but that's not entirely done by accident. BTW, the characterization of Rayden is taken from the movies/shows.


It was 2 am, and Sonya Blade couldn't believe the past six hours had happened. It all started when the thunder god, Rayden, had informed the champions of Mortal Kombats past of a new threat, the Dragon King. While nothing could be directly done to protect Earth, Rayden had decided the champions needed to learn to work better as a term. He had separated them by sex, then sent them off to bond, and that was show Sonya found herself drinking coffee in her apartment with a ten thousand year old princess, the princess' childhood friend, and a very arrogant ice ninja. Somehow she couldn't help but feel Rayden was secretly watching \the whole scene and laughing his immortal ass.

Princess Kitana stirred her coffee dejectedly, and the sound of the metal on ceramic was jarring in the silence. Sonya felt compelled to say something. "You don't like coffee?"

Kitana dumped two more spoonfuls of sugar into her cup, "I don't like bitter things."

Sonya nodded. "Me either, really, but I learned to drink it because it was great date getting material. Very few people would refuse a cup of coffee."

Both Kitana and Jade were looking at her with interest, so Sonya continued, "You can make all sorts of sexual metaphors with coffee too, like 'I like my men and coffee hot and strong and . uh.'"

"Black?" Frost offered with a gleam in her eye.

Sonya puffed up a bit at that. People were always making pointed comments about the presumed relationship between her and Jax. It normally didn't bother her, but coming from that frigid bitch. "I suppose you prefer yours light, sweet, and on ice then?" Sonya asked.

Kitana coughed to cover up a laugh as Sonya and Frost tried to stare each other down. "Now, now ladies, we're supposed to be bonding. We shouldn't be making fun of each other."

"You're just lucky I have too much respect for the dead to start with you," Sonya said, before Jade interrupted with her version of Liu Kang's famous battle cry, whereupon Sonya laughed so hard she couldn't breathe.

Jade ignored the nasty look Kitana shot her, and said, "I don't know about you, but if I heard that in bed it would be all over."

Kitana was blushing slightly, and Jade decided to press the issue, "He didn't did he?" Kitana was not a bright scarlet, and she chose to try and deflect attention away from herself.

"I wouldn't know," Kitana answered. "Does Kung Lao where his hat in the bedroom?" she asked Jade.

Frost nearly choked on her (iced) coffee. "What is with you people and monks?"

"I wouldn't be talking," Jade told her. "What else can your sifu turn to ice?"

The temperature dropped noticeably in the room as Frost turned bright purple, and Sonya smirked to herself. "I think perhaps we should stop this conversation before it gets violent. We don't want Rayden to think we need more bonding time. I don't want to have to do this again."

No one particularly disagreed with that sentiment, and the subject was rather abruptly dropped. Unfortunately, no one was forthcoming with a new topic, and the girls finished their coffee in an uncomfortable silence.

"This sucks," pronounced Frost, "I haven't been this bored since I was in school."

"We could play a game," Kitana suggested.

"Speaking of things that would end in violence," Sonya said. "We're all too competitive for a friendly game. Besides, everyone knows most games are only fun when you're drunk.." She eyed her comrades.

"I don't drink," Jade and Kitana declared at the same time Frost announced that her sifu wouldn't allow it.

"Oh come on," Sonya pleaded, "It's only for tonight, and if we got drunk enough we might convince Rayden we've bonded. And as for you, Missy," Sonya pointed at Frost, "You're sifu ain't here."

"Fine!" Frost growled, "and don't call me Missy, damnit. If I'm good and plastered I might just blank out the whole mess."

"Well alright," Kitana reluctantly agreed. "If only so this doesn't happen again." Jade immediately agreed once her princess did, and Sonya found herself making a late night beer run, something she hadn't done in at least a decade.


The bonding session had moved to the living room, and the girls sat on the couch talking. Things had become much more congenial once they had all consumed five or six beers each. In fact, Sonya couldn't remember what exactly it was that she hadn't liked about her companions. "I love you guys," she told them, wiping away a tear.

"I love you too," Kitana cried, nearly knocking her over with an overly enthusiastic hug.

"Get a room," Frost slurred a bit. "You might make Jade jealous."

"You're just bitter your Subbie isn't here," Jade shot back, shaking her can angrily.

"Ha! I was only sticking around so I could become Grandmaster," Frost slammed her beer onto the table for emphasis. "I was so close, too."

"You almost beat the human Popsicle?" Sonya asked, incredulously.

"No, I froze the bastard, then stole the medallion off his chest," Frost sounded quite pleased with herself.

"So what happened then?" Kitana urged her on.

"Froze myself solid. Apparently I couldn't handle the power," Frost snorted. "Boy did I feel stupid."

"So Subbie forgave you after all that?" Sonya asked. "He must have it bad." She started giggling madly.

"Shut up," Frost threw a pillow at Sonya's head. "Speaking of having it bad, have you seen the poster for Cage's new movie?"

Sonya threw the pillow back at Frost. "There is absolutely nothing going on between us!"

"Sure." Frost grinned.

"Subbie lets you watch that crap?" Kitana commented. "Its practically pornography when it gets to the Sonya/Johnny bits."

"I'm not a kid, damnit," Frost indignantly replied.

"So how old are you?" Jade asked quickly.

"Non of your business!" Frost chucked the pillow full force at Jade's head, knocking her right off her seat.

There were a few moments of tense silence before Jade leaped back over the couch screaming "PILLOW FIGHT!" The pillow fight didn't last long, though, because the participants were not only drunk, but also overtired, resulting in the physical blows turning into verbal ones once again.

"You suck," Sonya announced.

"No, you suck," Frost rebutted.

"No, you suck more," Sonya told her.

"You suck the most," Frost argued.

"Well you suck big, fat, icy c-"

"Sonya!" Kitana interrupted.

"And you such squealy, dead, monk dick" Sonya informed her, "And you suck fashion-sense impaired, ugly-hat obsessed, monk dick."

"What about you?" Jade asked.

"I don't suck," Sonya said proudly.

Frost cocked an eyebrow, and both the princess and her companion started snickering madly. "So what exactly do you do?" Frost asked mischievously.

"I make them beg!" Sonya nodded in agreement with herself.

"Now we know what we'd find in her closet," Frost said in a stage whisper, and Kitana cracked an imaginary whip.

"Hey, why hasn't anyone ever used a whip in Mortal Kombat?" asked Jade. "I've seen spears, tonfas, grenades, swords, daggers, and battle axes, but no whips."

"Don't forget razor edged hats," Kitana reminded her. "And fans and bos."

"Yes, and guns and sais, and claws and teeth and tails and the occasional arcade machine, the point is there are no whips," Jade finished.

"You forgot kali sticks," Sonya butted in.

"Fine, and kali sticks. But NO WHIPS!" Jade huffed.

"Well, we'll just have to change that for the next tournament," Kitana said with an evil grin.

"When we see you both in matching leather outfits, we'll know what happened," Sonya declared. " Not that you don't wear matching outfits anyway."

"Matching outfits?" Frost asked.

"Yup. Those two and Mileena used to wear matching bodysuits, just in different colors," Sonya informed her.

"Who's Mileena?"

"Mileena was my evil mutant clone," Kitana said a little sadly.

"Your what?" Frost was incredulous. "If I hadn't heard so many weird ass things before, I'd never believe you."

"You missed quite a parade of losers from the earlier tournaments," Kitana commented. "You never met Ermac or Rain or Smoke or Tanya or Stryker or Nightwolf or Fujin. "

"I recognize some of those an Lin Kuei, but who the hell is everyone else?" demanded Frost.

"Let's see. Ermac and Rain were ninjas working for Kahn. Reiko was also working for Kahn, so far as we can tell. Tanya was a double agent. On our side were Stryker, the dorky cop, and Nightwolf, the historian. Oh, and Fujin is the God of Wind," Kitana rattled off.

"Do you think Rayden is making the guys bond?" Sonya pondered aloud. "IF he dragged Jade into this, do you think he called the old guys?"

"Why, who do you want to see again?" Frost prodded her.

"No one! I am not interested in any of the losers in the tournament!" Sonya hissed. "I was just wondering."

"I wonder what the guy are doing?"

"Probably the same thing as us, getting drunk and arguing." Kitana theorized

"We're not arguing!" protested Sonya.

"We're disagreeing loudly, and occasionally violently," Frost explained.

"My sincerest apologies," Kitana rolled her eyes. "In any case, they're probably sitting around talking about past tournaments. Or rating our asses."

"Probably a little of both," corrected Jade.

"So, who does have the nicest ass?" Sonya asked.

"Out of the guys?" Jade asked.

"Jax has a cute butt," Kitana said.

"So does Kenshi," Sonya added, "And he can't tell if you're staring at it."

"Jade looked thoughtful. "Would it be sacreligious for me to say Rayden has a nice ass?" The girls just stared at her. "Well, he does."

"I'm going to take crap for this forever, but my sifu has the best ass," Frost declared. Sonya started cracking up. It's a bit distracting during training." By now all the girls were howling with laughter, and Frost couldn't help but join in.

Rayden chose that moment to check up on his combatants, and looked immensely relieved to see them laughing rather than maiming each other as he had feared they would be. Jade, of course, made an exaggerated attempt at checking out his rear end, and Sonya would have sworn she was going to pee herself.

"At least some of you are getting along," Rayden said. "Jax and Johnny have been at each other's throats all night, and Scorpion and Sub-Zero aren't behaving much better." He eyed the now empty case, and looked thoughtful. "I'm afraid if they have any alcohol, thing will get violent."

"I'd pay to see the drunk free-for-all," Frost said excitedly.

"Bo' Rai Cho would win," Kitana pointed out. "No one can hold liquor like that fat bastard."

Rayden shook his head. "I'd rather not have any trips to the hospital. And please stop leering at me, its very disconcerting." Jade blushed slightly. "I must go and make sure there hasn't been any serious injuries incurred."

After he had portalled out, there was a momentary lull. "Does this mean we can go home?" Frost asked quietly.

"I think so," Sonya responded.

There was a minute of silence. "You know, I actually had fun," Kitana admitted,

"Me too. I don't get to have 'Girls Night In' at the Lin Kuei headquarters," Frost added.

"That's not surprising. I wouldn't mind doing this again if it's wasn't in my apartment," said Sonya.

"Party at the Edenian Palace?" Jade offered.

"You're on."