Disclaimer: I don't own anything X-Men shaped, they belong to Marvel etc, I'm just borrowing them for the purposes of this lil ficcy.
AN: After seeing X2 I couldn't help but write something from Cyclops' POV, I would've posted this sooner but my laptop went kablammy, I hope this doesn't look like I'm copying anyone else as I've had this in my mind ever since seeing X2 on Thursday night.
Summary: Cyclops' POV after X2, his thoughts, feelings, and life after Jean. It'll also contain a little conversation between Scott and Logan, and hopefully get them to some sorta understanding. It's very fluffy, sappy and pathetic to start with really, and considering I don't like Jean or Wolverine I was kinda surprised when I wrote this, but it's kinda something to get my creative juices flowing back for X-Men stories, it'll be standalone but hopefully will inspire me to write more X-men fics soon, as I kinda left my other ones unfinished so I hope to get back with those. Anyway, thanks for coming to read, please review, don't be too harsh, I'm very outta practise, and enjoy!
I've been sitting here
Can't get you off my mind
I've tried my best to be a man and be strong
I've drove myself insane
Wishing I could touch your face
But the truth remains…
N* Sync- Gone
She's gone… I still can't believe it. She was my life, my spirit, my everything, and now I have nothing. No-one expects me to be the leader, keep a stiff upper lip and brave façade up, but in truth it's the only thing that gets me through the day. If I let myself feel- let myself cry, I don't think I'd ever be able to stop.
They are all full of sympathy of course, Jean touched everyone, you couldn't help but let her into your heart. But they will never fully understand, and I know its selfish of me to say this but it's true, no matter how much they want to, they didn't know her quite like I did, so intimately, so personally. I can't hold it against them all of course, but saying they know how I feel seems so insulting. How can they possibly know? Did they share a bond through mind and body with her? Did they become one with her in the most perfect, private way? Did they share their life, their pain, their insecurities with her? No, and they'll never know. It's impossible for them. I don't blame them, and I don't blame her, I blame myself.
Ever since the Statue of Liberty 'incident' Jean has- had been different, I tried to talk to her about it many times, but she closed her mind to me. Her powers had been increasing in strength since then, everything came so naturally to her since Magneto's attack. She didn't even have to think to move something, but with her stronger powers came bigger problems, she had been getting terrible headaches, she couldn't block other people's thoughts from her mind, it was like they were attacking and invading her and she couldn't defend herself. She was getting horrible nightmares, sometimes it woke us both through our psychic bond, I only saw snatches, but it had been enough to stop us getting back to sleep for a while. The room used to shake, things on shelves fell off the walls, things even exploding just from her distress. I should've made more of an effort to help her, gone to the Professor sooner, tried to get her help, but I guess it's the old case of could've, would've, should've.
Then Logan came back. I'm not stupid, even I couldn't ignore the fact that she was attracted to him, but I always trusted her, trusted that she would always stay with me, but even without Logan's interference it looks like that dream is out of the window. Something happened between them, Logan admitted he kissed her. He kissed her, she didn't reciprocate. I have never been the best of friends with Logan, anyone can see that, but I respect him, if not his strategic methods. I respect him even more for owning up to the kiss, not apologising mind you, but it was enough. Out of all the people who could sympathise, Logan can identify the most. He loved her, though he knew she would never love him back, he tried to hide it for my sake when she… when we lost her, he tried to be strong as I broke down, he held onto me and tried to tell me she was gone. But when she was gone, so was I, a part of me died that day as the water flooded over her, I don't think it will ever come back.
Oh god, here come the tears again. I was going to propose to her you know, I have the ring in my jacket pocket, I was going to do it after the Professor and I got back from visiting Magneto, but then of course I got sidetracked with the being drugged, brainwashed and trying to kill the woman I love…god if only I'd done it sooner. And to think my last conversation with her was through Professor X and I never got to kiss her one last time… at least I got to say I love you… oh god, what am I going to do without her? How am I going to be the leader that I'm supposed to be, how am I going to go on… someone's at the door, I want to tell them to go away, but right now I can't form any coherent sentences. It's Logan, dear lord, who'd have thought that Jean's death would bring us closer together, though I do wonder if perhaps Ororo or the Professor sent him up here to make sure I haven't drowned.
"C'mon shades… can't rot up here forever." He's trying to be brave, he copes the same as I do, acting as if nothing's changed. Except he's a damn sight better at it than me. He knows I've been crying, but I know that so has he. We've all shed our tears for her. Mine are just a little more desperate. It's like my whole world has been sucked up, everyone needs someone to lean on, but now I'm adrift.
"Leave me alone Logan." I can barely hear myself, my voice is smaller than a whisper. But with those animal senses of his, I know he heard me loud and clear.
"Would she want you to lock yourself away up here feeling sorry for yourself?"
He's got me there. Jean would want me to be happy, not crying over her. But who cares what she wants? She's dead, she left me, she played hero, damn her messiah complex, I would've given anything to take her place so she could live. That's why she snuck away, locked the doors, blocked Kurt from teleporting out there, said her goodbyes. She knew we'd all try and stop her. She was my hero, the bravest person I knew. Stronger than anyone, especially me.
"C'mon slim, don't make me drag ya, you're heavier than you look." He won't give up until I relent and go with him, and I can't stand the smell of that cigar wafting into our room… my room.
I push myself up laboriously, adjusting my glasses and running a hand through my hair.
"Don't you ever give up Logan." It's not a question, and if it was I'd know the answer anyway.
"Nuh uh. I'd offer you a beer from my stash but being that you're Mister boy scout-"
"Gimmie the best you've got." I'm not a drinker usually, unless it's being sociable, but I don't want Logan thinking I can't do anything reckless. Bastard's always trying to one-up me.
Ha, he looks like I punched him in the balls and called his momma a whore, he's that shocked. Cocky bastard, that'll show him. He digs a beer out of his jacket pocket and warily passes it to me, probably wondering if I'm gonna try and hit him with it or something. He then reluctantly gets out another from an inner jacket pocket.
"Always carry two, in case it's a bad day." He explains, reluctantly popping the second and downing half. As I take a large swig I think he half expects me to spit it out in disgust.
As we go into the kitchen I see Kurt is still up and talking to Peter- otherwise known as Colossus- which is strange as he's usually in bed at this time of night, even though he's one of the oldest of the other students. Bobby is also up, sitting on a stool nearby and listening to the conversation, while pigging out on ice cream. I swear, we should get some pills for all these insomniacs, but of course, no-one has been sleeping easy since the attack on the academy. We're back here now, as we're told it, Professor X pulled a few strings, and now everyone seems to have conveniently forgotten that the school even exists.
"What're you all doing up, go on, scram!" Logan glares, he's still not big with the whole group thing, or maybe he thinks that I'm very volatile and being around people will cause me to go catatonic again.
"Y'got beer in the end huh?" Bobby notes making no move to 'scram', "Got sick of Dr Pepper did you?" Logan looks like he's going to slice the kid in half, Dr Pepper- definitely not good for the 'Wolverine's' street cred. Bobby holds out his hand and Logan grudgingly hands the beer to the kid, I nod, impressed as Bobby ices it up for him and does the same for me, also giving the slightly shocked look as he realises it's a beer. I shrug, hoping I haven't disillusioned a future X-man about the infallible leader.
"Don't bother 'em Logan." I manage a smile at Kurt, who still looks twitchy about being here. "We're intruding on them, lets go to the living room."
"Ah, there's usually a full house there too, lets go outside." Logan gives me a little harder than necessary shove out into the gardens and we find the nearest bench to sit on.
He doesn't want to be the first one to start a conversation, but I'm sure as hell not going to.
It's been about two minutes and he's lit up a new cigar, I roll my eyes behind my shades. Death sticks, Jean never did like them, I wonder if she complained after she kissed him about kissing an ashtray.
"Nice night huh?" He says gruffly, and I almost have a heart attack realising he actually did make the first attempt. Not a very good one, but an attempt nevertheless.
"Yeah. Jean would've loved it." I murmur. We used to sit looking up at the stars all the time, it was very soothing after a nightmare or a particularly bad headache. I decide not to share this with Logan, and instead I sigh.
"Do you think there's any chance she could've-" I stop myself, chiding my delusional thinking.
"If anyone could've it'd be Jean. But…"
"I know." We both tail into contemplative silence again, permeated by a sigh, in unison, which surprises us both.
"I'm sorry Scott." The words are so quiet I think I'm imagining them.
"What?" I say, turning to face him.
"I'm sorry." He says again, with effort. He opens his mouth to explain, but I cut him off.
"Thank you." I say, also quiet, but with just as much meaning. It's never been easy between us, I think he considered me his rival for Jean's affection, and I know he has a problem with my authority, just as I have a problem with his lack of respect for it. We understand each other now though, and respect each other I hope. Pride has never been an easy thing to swallow for me, but I know we've both made mistakes, and I was as much to blame as Logan was, I'm supposed to be the leader for god's sake, if I can't welcome new team members and be fair then what can I do. I suppose I was jealous, and maybe for the briefest of moments I doubted Jean's love for me, I mean who would choose the charming and terribly handsome but uptight and serious leader instead of the mysterious, rugged…hairy stranger who blows wherever the wind takes him? I always ponder what Jean saw in me. Surely women prefer the adventurous type? Whatever the reason, she chose me, as Logan told me, and I love her even more for her faithfulness, too bad I'll never get the chance to tell her.
"Alright, maybe we should stop before this turns into a Hallmark moment." I quip, it's the first joke I've made for a long time, and albeit a bad one, Logan chuckles.
"Afraid you're on candid camera?" Logan finishes off his beer with a gulp and takes a puff from his cigar.
"Lifting your spirits outta the gutter for a minute? Will wonders never cease?"
"I guess not. But you're right, Jean wouldn't want us to hold grudges against each other or wallow in self pity."
"You admitting I'm right?! Alright, now I know we're definitely in the Twilight Zone." Logan snorts, examining his cigar for drugs, and then tossing it on the floor and stamping on it with his boot.
"Was your trip to Alkali Lake enlightening?" I ask, having not talked to him about his discoveries due to my wallowing.
"Kinda, but I get what all those psychologists say about the mind keeping memories from your conscious for a reason, Sigmund Freud didn't know what he was onto."
"That bad huh?"
"Well when you get flashbacks of being experimented on, slicing and dicing some science geeks up and then running down tunnels naked, screaming and bloody with sharp claws coming out of your hands I think you'd be booking a couple years time on the psychologist's couch, either that or in a straitjacket."
"Well looking at you I'm thinking the strait- never mind."
"Oh ha ha." He glares at me and I smile sheepishly.
"How about you?" He asks, and I wonder if he's just being polite as I asked him.
"Oh well the being beat up by a woman who reminded me too much of you for comfort was fun, the drugging is always good and the trying to kill the woman I love was just a blast. I had a major headache at the end of it all." I shrug. "I don't remember too much."
"That's probably for the best given Stryker's record. Y'know Shades, you're not so bad when you get some alcohol in you."
"I would say the same, except I'd be lying." I smirk and he gives me a shove but chuckles all the same.
"Wow, the hidden side of Scott Summers that only comes out to play at night."
"Yeah, now you see what Jean saw in me."
"God I hope not, I don't think I'm quite that drunk."
"You're a dick Logan."
"So're you Scott."
We fall back into silence, contemplating the conversation, which I must admit, I never expected to have with Logan, but he's right, the wonders never cease. It'll be a lot easier not battling with him all the time over every trivial thing, but somehow I think he'll keep up the routine of being an ass around me just for show, after all, I don't think the others are quite ready for a Cyclops/Wolverine friendship. Maybe one day.
"Well, it's getting late." He yawns, probably a little uncomfortable that he stopped being an ass for a moment, after all, he has a reputation to maintain.
"You're right, and you need your beauty sleep." I smirk as he growls again,
"Look Summers, just because I'm not busting your balls all the time, don't think this is the start of our beautiful friendship, you're still a dick. Just a little better as a drunk one." There is humour in his voice and I know he's bullshitting, but I'll let him have his fun for now.
"Sure Logan, keep telling yourself that. You know you love me really." I quip and he groans and shoves me as I stand, almost throwing me into a bush.
"You're such a dick Scott." He repeats as he works the kinks out of his back and starts to walk towards the mansion. "Take care of yourself Shades, don't go gettin into any trouble." He murmurs, just loud enough for me to hear it.
"You too Logan." I say, when he's out of earshot.
I start to make my way back to the mansion, contemplating the day. I won't give up hope that Jean's alive, I can still feel her around me- though that could be a delusion from a grieving mind- but even if she isn't, in some way she helped Logan and I come to some understanding. Maybe one day we could even be friends, not anytime soon of course, but tomorrow is another day, and with or without Jean I'll always have someone to lean on, and in the end I'll always be an X-Man.
Sappy? Crappy? You tell me, this didn't end up as what I intended it, but I think it's okay at least, feedback is adored, I'll give you cookies? *puppy dog eyes* this is my first X2 fic and my first X-Men fic in a long while so don't be *too* harsh, though constructive criticism is always appreciated. I'll stop making excuses and end the fic now, Thanks for reading this far!