If I Could Have her Tonight

A.N: After a debate with my muse and a bit of consideration, I've decided to make this a POV fic for all the X-Men, as Jean's sacrifice affected everyone, so I've decided to use all the central characters in the movie, one for each chapter, I thought it would be unique, as I haven't read a story which deals with everyone's thoughts separately. Oh and as I didn't mention it before, major spoilers for X2 *blush* not that that's much help now, I hope everyone's seen it!

Summary: Scott isn't the only man who loved Jean and lost a part of himself when she died, Logan tries to come to terms with his grief, and attempts to express himself in the form of a letter.


All of a sudden she
was on my mind
I wasn't ready for her kind
And she was taking her time.

Lately I've found myself
losing my mind
Knowing how badly I need her
It's something hard to find.

If I could have her tonight
Does she want to go?
Look at those eyes
Does she want it?
If I could have her tonight

If I Could Have Her Tonight- Neil Young


Man I feel stupid doing this, damn Professor X, thinks I have unexpressed grief issues, and holing 'em up inside my hairy hide will be damaging emotionally. I wonder if he's charging for these pearls of wisdom these days, I didn't even have to sit on the therapists couch, what a bargain.

Okay, where to begin (man this is lame) I'm supposed to write a letter, not specifically to anyone, just to…reveal my feelings or somethin. I'm not particularly good at this kinda crap, it's more of a girly thing to do, but the Prof insisted, and I'd hate to disappoint, who knows what good it'll do me.

It all started at Alkali Lake, in more ways than one, I had a very happy experience 15 years ago that I'm only starting to remember (and right now I wish I didn't) which turned me into the metal monster I am on the inside today, but we went back there recently, me and the 'X-Men'- I still don't really consider myself one of them, as I don't really stick around long enough for them to stick a uniform on me- and it happened…we lost her.

Lost her…ha ha, it sounds so cheap, like we misplaced her or somethin, Jean Grey, the only woman I've ever truly… well I think I loved her. No, I know I did, but she could never love me back, 'least not in the way I wanted. She wanted to 'marry the good guy' ugh, it's always the good guys, am I really that bad? True I'm a bit wild, I'm not very dependable, but hey, I could be loyal if I wanted to. I would've been anything for her. I look at Shades, and I know he would've done the same, he would've died for her if he could, all of us would. Couldn't help but love Jean, it was just her nature, gentle, understanding, modest, beautiful. Jeeze I sound like a greeting card, but that's truly how Jean made me feel, she made me a better person just by being near me, she brought out the best in all of us. Scott is like a zombie, I tried to avoid him like the plague until the Professor lectured the rest of us on helping share the burden of his grief, of course he took it the hardest, he's loved the girl forever, he just never had the balls to say it for a while. Poor guy, emotional train wreck wouldn't be the half of it, and yet he still tries to be the leader, buries it all inside himself and only lets it out when he's alone, which unfortunately seems to be a lot right now. Maybe we're not so different after all.

I talked to him last night, we reached some kinda understanding, while taking the piss outta each other of course, the guy can be alright once he's got some alcohol in him, I guess I misjudged him, and I betcha he thinks he's misjudged me, probably thinks I'm a bigger dick than he first imagined. Ororo is handling with her trademark grace, gotta say, she looks a little cosy with the 'incredible Nightcrawler' our resident German teleporter. Kurt's alright, he's very intimidated by me hehe, keeps his head down when I come into the room, cute, I like bein' the mysterious, dangerous hard man, it keeps people at a distance quite well I reckon. That was always the intention anyway, even though the mystery enticed Jean, and god knows what attracted Rogue to steal away in my truck that first night. Its her fault I'm in all this X-crap, but I can't be angry with her, these guys have found something worth fighting for, they've chosen their side, they're fighting for a better world for all of us and with it I've met some of the most incredible people anyone could hope to know, not to mention Jean.

When I saw her, though I must say I smelled her first- vanilla musk and lilies, her scent is still with me clear as day- I knew she was beautiful, and my heart did that corny little flipflop that everyone blabs about in cheesy movies, but I really did feel like that, butterflies in stomach, the works. Its always the beautiful, intelligent ones that are either taken or homicidal, Scott knows how lucky he was to have her, and I can't hate him for it, she chose him, she loved him, no matter what, I gotta accept that now. And I think I do, or I'm starting to, hearing him talk about her, the way he still looks up hopefully when a door opens or the Professor moves something with his mind, its awful, I doubt the guy will ever recover from it. Maybe he should write a letter to get his 'feelings out' so he doesn't cause himself 'emotional damage'- though he finds it easier to cry than I do, he's not ashamed to sob his heart out, you can hear it breaking every time, its like a guy who's lost his entire world.

It was so hard, watching her go like that, we all thought it wasn't true, we couldn't believe Jean was dead, she's Jean for gods sake, there had to have been another way there had to. If only we'd had more time. I never had any clue how powerful Jean really was, she hid it so well, though from what I've heard a lot had changed since I set off for Alkali Lake. Every song I hear on the radio seems to remind me of her these days, missed chances and forbidden love, its all so cheesy but when it comes to Jean, it doesn't really matter, I can be a softy at heart, I just wont tell anyone. Jeeze I'm gonna have to destroy this letter when I'm done, pity John took off or he coulda burnt it for me, I wonder what was so great about the Magnet's side anyway, that kid's gonna have a lot to adjust to, I wouldn't trust Magneto as far as I could throw him.

The Prof keeps saying a war is coming. I can't imagine fighting it without Jean at my side, it all sounds too ominous. I think we convinced the President, but that doesn't stop the rest of the world from despising us, there are more like Stryker out there, and sooner or later they're gonna come and bite us in the ass. No-one really wants to admit how close we were to losing everything, the mansion, the kids, our secrecy, our lives, we're safe for now, but for how long? I don't think Jean is gonna be the only casualty in this war when it comes…

God, why is it so hard to even think her name, let alone write it? I've never felt like this before, I don't know how to handle it, I keep myself away from people as a rule, don't let 'em get too close, and yet Jean had a way of getting under my skin, right down past my adamantium bones into my heart. Crap, sounding like a Hallmark special again, yuck, yup definitely have to burn this, can't have my sappy side leaking out. That was that damned Jean too, I'd never have been such a sap without her influence, not that its necessarily a bad thing- behind closed doors of course! Aint like I'm gonna start writing love poems and take up ballet or anythin I s'pose, though I do have the urge to pirouette around the room in revealing spandex… just shittin ya. Ouch, man do I have a headache, gettin shot in the head really takes it outta ya, even though it was a couple days ago now. It must be a sign of old age or somethin. It was weird fightin Deathstryke, seeing a woman who had the same powers as me, I didn't think it was possible, maybe if things had been different we could've been friends, we had a lot in common I suppose, but that mind control brain washing crap can really put a damper on a good relationship, what with the homicidal tendencies and all.

I am starting to think I need a few beers, all this mushy stuff is making me nauseous, being friends and being in love, a couple months ago I would've laughed in my own face and punched myself in the stomach if I'd told myself I'd turn like this in a couple months, strange what time does to ya, or in my case, what time doesn't seem to do to me but does to everyone else. I've decided I don't care what was so awful 'bout my past, when it comes to bite me in the ass I'll face it head on, like all my challenges, whatever is so awful about my past that my screwed up mind is repressing, it can all stay there right now, I've got a few more responsibilities now, I think I'll definitely be sticking around, specially with everyone feeling the after shock of Jean… tell ya what, lets leave it at that, I've already poured my heart and soul into this damned letter, and y'know, I kinda feel better, though I sure as hell aint admitting that to the Prof later, thanks for listenin bub, it helped me out, even though you're a piece of paper and all, it's creepy that I'm even talking to ya. Now, where's that lighter…


This kinda took on a life of its own, which is good, I hope I stayed true to Wolverine's character, it didn't really go in the direction I expected, but that's always a good sign when it takes itself in a good direction, I hope it was good anyway, please review! Tell me what you think, next up will be Storm, and after that I reckon Rogue.

Thanks for reading this far, hope to see you at chapter 3 and on the reviews page! (hehe, I'm subtle huh?)