the donkey that at one point konged
it was quiet that day, when the island of KONGO BONGO was still afloat. cranky was still doing some stupid shit in his house. funky was making non-subtle marijuana jokes to his turned-off television set. diddy and donkey kong were hanging out, as buddies always do, making a mess of the place and having a good time. candy kong was at work getting sexually harassed by a sterotypical interpretation of the power-hungry AMERICAN capitalist system. kong fu suffered a stroke and, sadly, lived. eddi the mean old yeti has cancer.
the sun came up normally. it did exactly as intended and rotated to the precise degree that cranky kong had measured by staring at it with his anti-uv-ray eyelids. in an instant, the sun vanished. only the moon remained, but its placement was so far off that KONGO BONGO was only dimly lit, causing an immediate panic. king k rool, thinking up a plan in an instant, wanting to take advantage of the absurdity, called for klump and krusha to meet him at the usual spot, but received no reply.
"what are those idiotic incels up to now? must I do everything by myself?!"
the sound of a soft sobbing caught his non-existent ear. curious, he traveled farther into the mining caves that connected to his base; the sobbing only resonated the closer he came to the center. in the chamber which led to all directions, he saw the body of krusha, huddled over a plump figure, weeping profusely.
"krusha! what on KONGO BONGO are you doing down there? get up this instant!" king k rool twirled furiously.
"b-but boss...," krusha retorted between sniffles, "klump i-isn't... moving..."
alarmed, king k rool inched closer in nervous anticipation, slowly seeing the body of klump stationary and with his eyelids still open. king k rool grunts.
"klump!" he screams. "wake up this instant, you scummy scallywag!"
klump does not respond.
"you dare disobey me? your ruler, your master?!" king k rool twirls menacingly. "I will have you hung from the barracks should you not answer me this instant!"
krusha's cries begin to weaken.
"klump! now you—oh!" king k rool grasps onto klump's shoulder for only a moment before retracting his claw. he looks at his own hand in disbelief. though somewhat inhibited by the darkness, he can see the beginning of frost developing upon the scales contacting klump's body. "what on KONGO BONGO is going on... krusha?"
krusha only weakly turns his head towards k rool, his body beginning to give out as it finds comfort on the cave's floor. he blinks slowly. he breathes slowly.
"krusha! don't you follow his lead! get up this instant and help me to revive this numbskull!" king k rool stomps on the ground with a hard THUNK, causing the caves to rumble very slightly. with no response, k rool extends his arm to grasp krusha's limp body, but pulls back upon getting close. he can now feel the chill coming from krusha's body without direct physical contact. krusha's eyelids creak habitually, as though he were fighting with himself to stay awake.
"b-boss...," krusha manages to squeak out. "...h-hel—"
krusha's breathing becomes stagnant. his eyes, clear as the crystal coconut, lose the luster of its soul. king k rool realizes that he has not long to live, and only luck can be thanked that he's survived for this long.
running at full speed, he charges towards the simian side of KONGO BONGO. while doing so, he becomes keenly aware of a decline in motor function throughout his body. the chill that he felt from both his deceased henchmen was beginning to fester within him.
"I shall not meet my demise without the crystal coconut in my possession! I shall wish for the cure to this accursed illness!"
and yet, the crystal coconut would not save him. upon reaching cranky kong's hut, his legs gave out on him, leaving k rool to desperately roll himself far enough to reach the door to the monkey-faced abode. which each turn, his internal temperature dropped a single digit, rapidly increasing by the cold blood in his veins.
"so close... I'm so... close..."
mere yards away from the door, k rool no longer had the strength to roll. his body lay facing upwards towards the darkened sky, only partially illuminated by the stars. k rool, on the door of death, gazed upon the darkened sky and for a brief moment reconsidered his constitution. failures in his conquest for world domination left him with nothing but wasted time. feelings of dejection, self-pity, and a desire for change coursed through him as he went silent. a single tear only begun forming in his eye before it froze in place, never to be noticed by anyone.
the whole of KONGO BONGO remained still. the monkey inhabitants all perished quickly, their hot-blooded bodies hardly adjusting to the drastic drop in temperature. the moon continued its course, and for multiple days it trimmed the black canvas with natural finesse. earth, by this point, had frozen over. an icy boulder the size no mortal could fathom.
years go by. no change. the moon continues to spin and revolve, but the earth has stopped. almost as though the gods which govern the universe were punishing the sinful inhabitants a second time—one far more brutal in scope.
twenty-two years pass, and on the very day the sun disappeared, it returned. lighting up the earth for the first time in over two decades, its normal state would need generations to return to its former state. the sun concocted two equal-sized growths upon its body. these masses of indecipherable heat and light gave form to the indentation of animalistic pupils.
the sun blinked.
"it seems I have gone too far."
the sun, in its gargantuan stature, began to shapeshift into a primitive design. eyes, ears, a protruding jaw sporting a thin mustache, encased in magma and blinding light.
"my power cannot be trusted any longer. I have failed the only desire with which intellectual species can provide: connection." the sun reverts back into spherical form, then glows with the fury unbeknownst to the history of existence. a mighty glow envelops all matter, providing a warm, inviting touch to any that should anticipate the inclination of pleasure.
it clears. earth has been restored to its dominant state. the island of KONGO BONGO is bustling with new activity and fervor the likes never before recorded in its history. monkeys, lizards, and other creatures alike returned to a place they never remember leaving.
though not everything is the same as it once was. the living species have gone through a transformation, one that shaped their physical make-up to something uncanny. off. unbecoming. the kong family are the same, and different. the lizards are similar, though not original. misshapen through the memory skewed by personal bias, KONGO BONGO is a mirror parallel to from before the blinding light.
bluster kong continues to sexually harass candy blissfully.