X2 - the parody.

by Adrian Tullberg.

Be warned.

INT - the White House.

NIGHTCRAWLER beats up the entire Secret Service in less than three minutes!

NIGHTCRAWLER
Ha! For the Germans, it is alvays third time lucky!

INT - the X Mansion

WOLVERINE appears on screen

FEMALE AUDIENCE
Get Your top off!

STORM appears on screen

MALE AUDIENCE
What they said!

They don't.

EVERYONE
SHIT!

CYCLOPS enters.

WOLVERINE
Hey, red eye, those crabs cleared up yet?

CYCLOPS
Go fill up my bike.

CYCLOPS tries to look manly.

CYCLOPS (cont'd)
Bitch.

WOLVERINE
Where do they keep the sugar ... ?
WOLVERINE catches up with XAVIER in CEREBRO.

XAVIER
WOlverine, in an effort to appear socially conscious, either put out your cigar or spend the rest of the film thinking you're a twelve year old Vietnemese prostitute.

WOLVERINE
You're serious?

XAVIER
I'll have Jean pimp you out. Look, it's a good way to show off your healing factor to everyone else who hasn't seen the first film, so put it out or the next words out of your mouth will be 'Sucky sucky ten dorrar'.

WOLVERINE does so, trying to emote pain.

XAVIER
Jesus Christ, I thought you were the tough guy in these films.

WOLVERINE
Just trying to show off my sensitive side ... a 'Kate and Leopold' doesn't come along every day you know.

XAVIER (pulls out tape recorder)
Memo to self: find out root cause of Meg Ryan's irrational attraction for Australian/New Zealand men, and reformat brain.

WOLVERINE
While you're at it, gonna check out Catherine Zeta-Jones?

XAVIER
I'm only qualified for software. Now check this out.

CEREBRO actives, showing every single mutant on the planet.

XAVIER
Now I can use this to track down irrational Germans ...

WOLVERINE
Gotta be alot more specific than that ...

XAVIER
Okay ... blue German mutants who've tried to kill the President in the last few hours ... but I have to be careful. IF I CONCENTRATE TOO HARD - I MIGHT KILL HIM.

WOLVERINE
Very sutble foreshadowing there Chuck.

XAVIER
Found him! Notice how useful Cerebro is if used responsibily. Hey, wanna see the population of Utah do the Macarena?

WOLVERINE
Cool.

INT - White House

STRYKER
Ah, Senator Kelly. I can't say I agreed with your reversal on the Mutant Registration Act, but I love your new Revlon commercials.

KELLY
Thank you! And I love your assistant's hair, what shampoo does she use?

PRESIDENT
Er ... anyway ... Stryker here was just briefing me on this school ...

STRYKER
Mutant Training Camp!

PRESIDENT
... that he wants to hit.

STRYKER
Detain for questioning.

PRESIDENT
Whatever.

KELLY
Just watch out for the stairs, they get slippery this time of year.

STRYKER
Whu?

KELLY
Ah .. I mean, you can't do this! It's a school?

STRYKER
With it's own jet?

KELLY
Have you seen how much it costs to send your kids to one of these? We know they're not spending it on teacher's salaries.

PRESIDENT
That's enough. go find that freak.

STRYKER
I'll find the mutant ...

PRESIDENT
I don't give a rat's ass he's mutant, I care that he's German! I think he was trying to audition me for one of their porn films ...
INT - Magneto's Cell.

STRYKER
Well well? How are you?

MAGNETO
Oh fine, can't complain.

STRYKER
Huh? The constant humiliation, no privacy, and the guard who looks like he came straight from the set of Deliverance?

MAGNETO
I was in the British public school system.

STRYKER
Curses! Oh well, time to use the mind control stuff again ...

INT - Xavier's mansion - kitchen - night

WOLVERINE's in the kitchen with ICEMAN

WOLVERINE
Where's the booze?

ICEMAN
This is a school. With a mindreading headmaster. The last time I had an impure thought, Xavier turned me into a transexual hooker named Clarice.

WOLVERINE
He's really hung up about that prostitute theme, isn't he?

ICEMAN
I spent three hours trying to convince Ron Jeremy to give me a part in one of his films.

WOLVERINE
Oh.

ICEMAN
Only got scale, too.

INT - Magneto's prison

XAVIER
Hey bitch, picked up any soap yet?

MAGNETO
No, I just walk ... maybe run ... or skip ... but mostly walk, just because I feel like it ... over to my taxpayer funded ensuite shower. Tell me, how much does a mansion full of teenagers cost you in heating and food?

XAVIER
Shut up - you know anything about freaky blue Germans?

MAGNETO
No ... internet ... connection ... here ...

XAVIER
Whu ... uh ...

Despite being THE WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL TELEPATH, XAVIER is caught COMPLETELY BY SURPRISE and goes down.

CYCLOPS
oKAY! Cyclops to the rescue!

And a JAPANESE CHICK beats the crap out of him.

CYCLOPS
... dang ...
Meanwhile, SPEC OPS soldiers on loan from Tom Clancy's latest novel sneak into the mansion.

WOLVERINE
Shame Rogue was kicked out of her home.

ICEMAN
You know, I found that really weird ... I would have thought having a teenage daughter that a boy couldn't touch without dying would be a father's wet dream ...

WOLVERINE
I thought she came from one of those Southern States ... ?

ICEMAN
Oh, now it makes sense ...

A soldier bursts into the kitchen and wrestles Wolverine

WOLVERINE
Okay! I'll just use my adamantium coated skull to knock this guy into next week ...

BRYAN SINGER
Hang on! We're under contract with Marvel to cameo as many mutants as possible!

WOLVERINE pushes the soldier around until some redhead SCREAMS and another RUNS THROUGH WALLS.

BRYAN SINGER
Okay, now you can kill them!

WOLVERINE starts carving up soldiers

STRYKER
Uh oh, Clancy's gonna be pissed ... hey Wolverine! Long time no see!

ROGUE
Wolverine! You can't fight them all!

WOLVERINE
Yes I can! Haven't you read my title? I go through this many highly trained soldiers in the first two pages!

ICEMAN
Dude this is the movies! You had your hands full with a blue chick who watched the Matrix!

WOLVERINE
Uh oh.

WOLVERINE, ROGUE, ICEMAN and ANAKIN ... sorry, PYRO head to the garage. They stop by the BRAND NEW METALLIC BLUE Mazda RX-8 SPORTS CAR with SPORTY INTERIOR. ROGUE lies on the hood, rubbing her hand over the surface, WOLVERINE gets behind the wheel and looks very manly, and ICEMAN and PYRO use their UNWORTHY TOUNGES to lick any impurites that the tyres might have picked up from the road.

STRYKER
Did you catch Wolverine?

SOLDIER
No SIR! Our millions of dollars in military equipment, satellite assisted tracking technology and state of the art weaponry was NO MATCH for the RX-8's AGGRESSIVE STYLING and ROTARY ENGINE! SIR!

EXT - on the road

PYRO attempts to turn on the radio

PYRO
WOuldn't this be a good way to pad out the soundtrack album with a rockin' techno track?

WOLVERINE
Sorry - what wasn't picked up by the Matrix and their sequels was snatched by xXx. There's some N'sync ...

PYRO
And they call us genetic freaks ...