JEAN

Okay, we've found the secret base. Kids, stay in the jet.

ROGUE

Hey, we can help!

WOLVERINE

Sorry hon, there's no real need for one of us to be drained by some parasitic freak. Face it, in a practical situation, you're next to useless.

ICEMAN

Hey, I've proved myself! I can create barriers to hide behind ... paralyse bad guys with frostbite ... make whole rooms inexplicably cold for some reason ...

STORM

WHAT? Hell no! You sit your ass down in this jet, boy!

PYRO

So a living flamethrower isn't going to be any use in a secret base filled with armed-to-the-teeth special forces commandoes?

STORM

Just make sure Iceboy doesn't wander off or you'll never see Teacher's Goodies ever again, you got that?

PYRO

Yes ma'am.

While everyone was arguing over who goes to save the day, MYSTIQUE has gone off, impersonated WOLVERINE, knocked out half the military base, opened the doors, did her taxes, and inspired half a dozen websites.

WOLVERINE

Whoa.

MAGNETO

Makes you wonder if there's a point in keeping you in this movie series, isn't there?

WOLVERINE

Whu? Ah ... come on everybody! Mystique couldn't have take out the whole base ... she's probably in real trouble if I ... I mean we don't go over there right now! could she?

While every other mutant walks into the base, STRYKER is preparing his dastardly plan. So when WOLVERINE wanders off, there's a lot of spare time for the JAPANESE CHICK to start BEATING THE CRAP out of WOLVERINE

WOLVERINE

I - don't - care - what - they - say - acu- puncture - sucks!

While MAGNETO and MYSTIQUE are taken to Cerebro, CYCLOPS starts attacking JEAN.

CYCLOPS

Must ... kill ... only ... woman ... who ... would ... put ... out ... for ... me ...

MAGNETO

Seems mind control really improved his delivery ...

JEAN

Scott! Fight it!

CYCLOPS

Only ... screen ... time ... available ... sorry ... honey ...

JEAN

May as well start the forshadowing for number three ...

JEAN makes her eyes start to glow in a somehow PHEONIX-LIKE fashion, and inbetween SPANKING CYCLOPS, seriously damages the DAM where the military base is situated.

JEAN

Ooopsy.

INT - X Jet

PYRO

There's only so much porn you can look at with a chick in the same room. I'm gonna go out.

ICEMAN

Hey! What about Storm's threat?

PYRO

Don't worry, she'll try for another Oscar sooner than later.

Meanwhile, WOLVERINE is still getting NINE LEVELS OF MANURE ripped out of him

WOLVERINE

Twice I get the living shit kicked out of me by a girl! Twice! Jesus!

WOLVERINE finally beats the JAPANESE CHICK

WOLVERINE

We have technology that makes Keanu Reeves look like a credible action hero, but the X-Men's single most profitable character still has problems in a fight ... where's the justice ...

Soldiers are stationed outside Cerebro's entrance...

MAGNETO

Did I mention that I never really wanted to be a supervillian?

MYSTIQUE

Yeah, it's the kind of job you tend to fall into ... what did you want to be?

MAGNETO

I wanted to be an interior decorator

MYSTIQUE

Oh?

The soldiers around Cerebro da Second BLOW UP

MAGNETO

Yes, I still dabble. For example ... I've just done this corridor in post-modern redshirt ...

MYSTIQUE

Normally, I go for the retro feel, but this really speaks to me ...

XAVIER has finally activated CEREBRO ... bloody Windows ... and ATTACKS EVERY MUTANT ON THE PLANET!

Every mutant on the planet is in instant, total agony.

CYCLOPS (rolling on the ground in pain)

Oh my God ... I'm sorry ... This moment is ... so much bigger than me...

ROGUE

Thank you. I'm so honoured ... I am so honoured ...

ICEMAN

... and thank the academy for choosing me ... to be the vessel ... from which this blessing might flow ...

WOLVERINE

This movie-making experience was ... magical for me ... because of you ... You believed in me... you trusted me and you gently guided me to very scary places ... for God's sake little buddy, burrow through all that packed in red meat ..

MYSTIQUE

Magneto! If you don't open those doors right now I swear there will be no more 'Daddy's Little Soldier' ever again!

MAGNETO opens the doors to CEREBRO and shuts it down.

MAGNETO

Hey, I've saved the whole of ... mutantity! Geez ... hate to make the trip a complete waste ... I'll try killing the whole of humanity!

MYSTIQUE

Bit of a change from the last film, wasn't it? I mean ... the first time, you were trying to effect a change in policy by making world leaders become mutants ... now you're just going to wipe them out?

MAGNETO

Got any other ideas?

MYSTIQUE

Urhhmm ... make humanity incapable of physical or psychological harm, direct or indirect against a mutant?

MAGNETO

Nah ... too Buffy.

MYSTIQUE

I don't know...

MAGNETO

We're almost certainly going to get the guys who thought 'My Big Fat Greek Life' was a good idea...

MYSTIQUE

Fry the bastards!

EXT - Conveniently placed helicopter.

STRYKER is preparing to escape when WOLVERINE hunts him down.

WOLVERINE

Okay! Time to make the guy who took my life away suffer!

STRYKER

You idiot! You were already an angst-ridden dark character with anger management issues. I just made you even tougher, gave you super strong claws and a market share that not even the Board of Marvel Comics could screw up! Besides - that redhead wrecked the dam trying to stop her possessed boytoy. If you run in and save the day, she might get over him and dump the...

WOLVERINE is already high-tailing it back to the base.

As the dastardly duo make their escape, the X-Men head towards Cerebro.

JEAN

Bad news, Magneto hit the big reverse switch, and is ready to kill all of humanity.

CYCLOPS

Couldn't we just ... you know, turn off the power? Cut the antennas or cables? I don't think a cheap copy of a sophisticated telepathic booster and transceiver is totally fuck-up proof ...

JEAN

No - the new blue guy and the most recent Oscar winner has to teleport in at great personal risk and convince the Professor it's too cold today to kill a large percentage of every living thing on the planet.

Meanwhile, the PRESIDENT is crawling under the Oval Office desk, trying to bash his own brains out with a paperweight...

PRESIDENT

Thank you. Mike Pasternak ... Tom Ortenberg for making sure ... everybody knew about this little tiny movie ... oh god, they haven't cleaned under here since Clinton...

MAGNETO and MYSTIQUE have headed towards the helicopter, to see a suffering STRYKER tied up.

MYSTIQUE

Hey, the guy responsible for your torture and humiliation! Should we kill him now or take him on the helicopter to watch him slowly suffer?

SINGER

Er ... no, gotta wring one more confrontation out of him with Wolverine ... you're going to untie him, then tie him up again and leave him to die near some concrete blocks ...

MAGNETO

But I get to strip him naked and exposed to freezing conditions?

SINGER

No.

MYSTIQUE

Cut him and herd some nearby wolves to get the scent of his blood and then maul him as we watch from the sky?

MAGNETO

This is taking all the fun out of being a bad guy...

PYRO emerges from the woods.

PYRO

So ... dental?

Just then the PROFESSOR has woken up from his trance...

PROFESSOR

Do you realise in ten more seconds, I could have wiped out every boy band on the face of the Earth?

NIGHTCRAWLER

Vat? Dey are human?

STORM

Long story. Involves genetic engineering, two bottles of vodka, a bet and stoats.

Everybody runs out towards the exit - and WOLVERINE heroically runs past them, plunges his claws into the power box, and closes the doors before an enormous wall of water crushes Marvel's Cash Cow.

JEAN

You realise you just ran past the big red button saying 'Close Emergency Barrier'?

WOLVERINE (now smoking - literally)

Cccooouulldd soommmeebbooddy pppuuulll mmmmeee oooouuuuttt ooofff tthhiiisss ttthhhiinnnggg ...

Finally everybody heads towards where the helicopter was...

WOLVERINE

Must remember to take the keys with me...

Then ROGUE 'pilots' the X-Jet, and lands it nearby...

WOLVERINE heads towards the still surviving STRYKER

WOLVERINE

Although I could easily cut you down, and haul your fat ass to two experienced telepaths who wouldn't need a whole lot of persuasion to rape your mind out of every little detail of my past ... I'm going to let you live as some sort of symbol of me abandoning the past and progressing towards the future ... you know, shit like that.

As he heads back to the X-Jet, there's a few problems.

STORM

Power's down! Did we remember to fill up?

CYCLOPS

Shut down all secondary functions and recheck the pre-flight!

ICEMAN

Hit Cntl-Alt-Del!

JEAN goes outside, and while telekinetically STARTING THE JET, holds back a MASSIVE WAVE OF WATER.

CYCLOPS

Jean! My love, my life, my subplot!

PROFESSOR (possessed by Jean)

It is ... too late for me...

CYCLOPS

OH Jean...

Kneels down besides the Professor

CYCLOPS (Cont'd)

Your shiney head is ... so alluring...

WOLVERINE

Show of hands, anyone remotely surprised?

None come up.

The JET slowly rises, then TAKES OFF. Despite the fact that JEAN held back millions of tonnes of water, possessed the WORLD'S MOST POWERFUL TELEPATH (TM), supressed another mutant's power and started up a Jet ALL AT THE SAME TIME, she somehow is unable to get herself out of the way and is swallowed up by the water.

INT - WHITE HOUSE - OVAL OFFICE - Day

THE PRESIDENT is just about to make a nationwide speech when XAVIER and crew freeze everyone's minds and enter.

XAVIER

Mr. President. I hope you're not sore about the whole ... you know, near-extermination of humanity. And it might be considered a little rude that we've brought the guy who nearly assassinated you into your office, but somehow none of my students thought to bring their wallet, so leaving him in Starbucks for fifteen minutes was out. You know, since your boy Stryker started the whole thing, so why don't we call it quits?

PRESIDENT

So you're saying I should ignore a group of individuals with the facilities to destroy entire nations? Make no firm policy on those who have the potential to kill every person in the world?

XAVIER

Just treat us like North Korea.

PRESIDENT

Oh. That makes much more sense...

JEAN (V.O.)

Mutants. A species hated more than the French. No, really. Thank God we don't surrender like they do. And if we die, we have a tendency to come back. And die. And come back. And die ... well you get the picture. Or you'll see it when Singer signs for the next sequel...